He Knows Who We Are & What We're Going Through

 

The Lord knows who we are, what limitations we have, and what we're going through. 

I got an email on Sunday that was sent to our whole ward (church congregation) about pulling weeds on the Church Farm on Tuesday evening. I think our ward might have this responsibility every week during a certain month of the summer or something like that. I’ve done it a couple of times before, but this year I have been so busy with work that I don’t have enough time to care for my own house and yard properly. So when I got this email that was asking me to go help somewhere else, it was easy for me to think that I am excused from that obligation, given my circumstances. 

My excuses are real and valid. I’m not making them up. But I thought that I could go for 1 hour in place of the time I planned to exercise. So I put it in my calendar with an alert.

Tuesday (yesterday) right after work, I forgot that I was going to go. I got a carwash and went to the store. While at the store, the alert came and I had 15 minutes to get there. So, I checked out and drove home to change. 

But on my way home, I had to cross the train tracks and everyone around here knows that if a train comes, it might be one of two things – a passenger-commuter train that passes very quickly or a cargo train that passes very slowly. These second types of trains frustrate me because I’m usually in quite a hurry when they pass. As a matter of fact, I’m always in a hurry. So usually I flip around and go another way that has a bridge over the tracks, but this time I was the first person to pull up and it was too late for me to turn around because the red lights came on suddenly, crossbars came down, and cars pulled up behind me before I could make any other decision. So I was stuck there for at least 5 minutes while the slowest and longest train you can imagine passed. The Stake Farm assignment was at 6pm and it was exactly 6:01. I just took out my phone and started reading something while waiting. It was one of those “oh well” moments.

Finally, the train finished passing, and I was on my way. At home, I changed into shorts and a t-shirt, sprayed on some mosquito repellant, fed my cats, went to the bathroom, drank some water, plugged in my earpods, and left. About 6:20pm. I remember the email saying it was the field located south of the POND. I wasn’t sure if there were multiple fields and if this was a different one than I had been to before. I decided to watch for this pond. I went up 2200 West, passed the field I had worked at before, but didn’t see any pond. I checked the email again and couldn’t find any more clues. I turned around and decided it must be at the same field. I also saw in the email that we were supposed to bring our own tools. And I had rushed out so quickly that I forgot my gloves. So, I went home and got a hand shovel and my gloves, and returned to the field.

During this whole time, my thoughts were:  Maybe it’s not meant to be that I go help out tonight. I could go next week. I’m way too late. Maybe it’s just from 6-7pm and I’m going to get there so late. But I chose to just keep going anyway. By the time I signed in, it was 6:42pm. 

There were a good 20-30 cars parked and I could see the people scattered throughout the field. The times I came before were not social events. I usually just came and worked on my own, listening to music or a podcast on my headphones, and then left. But there was still comfort in being a part of a larger group getting the work done. 

Even though it was evening, the sun was still beating down. It was still hot. But I’m a cold body, so it was doable. I went out and found some weeds and started my “cherry-picking” exercise. I was listening to a podcast and it was nice. It was so nice because my mind was quiet. I wasn’t stressed out about what I should be or could be doing during that time. I knew I was in the right place. I knew I was pleasing the Lord and that’s really all that matters to me. 

A friend called and the phone call came through on my earpods. I listened to her for a while and didn’t even notice the hard work I was doing. After she hung up, I went back to listening to my podcast and it was nice. The whole thing was just fine. I had planned to help for an hour and I discovered that things didn’t close up at 7pm. I was there until 7:45pm. I had plenty of time to serve and there was plenty for me to do even though I got there late. That was a relief.

And this last thing was the best part and is the reason I’m writing this whole experience down. One of the hardest parts was the heat. After being in the hot sun for a while, it was hard. But somewhere in the middle, some clouds came and covered it, so it cooled down significantly. And when I was leaving, I finally looked up and saw a single big cloud that looked like it was just hanging out in front of the sun, not moving anywhere (see the picture I took). I felt a wave of gratitude, KNOWING this was a tender mercy from God. In the grand scope of things, it was small. But it’s these little things that remind me that he is aware of me (and everyone else in that field) and is going to do things to reduce the intensity of the sacrifice. Not completely take away, but make it manageable. 

And I don’t want him to completely take away the need for me to sacrifice because without my part of it, I can’t experience the Joy. I have found that Peace (from his and other people’s voluntary and loving sacrifice) combined with my own voluntary and loving sacrifice (which I do to provide Peace, comfort, meet needs, etc. for them) equals Joy. I can’t experience Joy if people are just giving to me. And neither can I experience it if I am just giving to others. It’s the combination and the balance that results in the best feeling I’ve ever experienced.

This was crazy for me to write this post. It’s 7:51am and I have to run to work now. But I hope this helps someone out there who needs to be reassured that God is with us. He knows what we’re going through. And he is so good to us. He’s going to share the burdens of our responsibilities with us. We’re on his team and he’s on ours. 

My Epiphany

In the Spring of 2009, I was working on a writing project. I had been working on it for 3 years and it was crazy that I hadn’t yet been able to finish it. It was like being in a single college course and working on a single paper that I could not seem to complete even after 3 years. Yet, I would not give up on it.

It had been a very intense project. I had been consistently praying about it and receiving guidance since 2006. I was writing about the atonement of Jesus Christ and how that related to the central structure of story. I had taken a deep dive into the scriptures and had worked to develop my communication relationship with the Lord because it brought up a lot of questions in my mind. I was writing down his answers but was expected to organize and summarize what he was teaching me into something coherent.

It was evidently my weaknesses that were holding me back from being able to do that.  I came to the point where I felt like I needed to directly ask for help to break through whatever was holding me back. I needed to know why it was taking me forever to finish. What was I missing? Where did I need to grow or change in order to finish it?

I had read somewhere that setting a date was a critical part of the goal achievement process. After considering it for a time, I decided that maybe that was the missing piece. I needed to set a date, do my part, and leave the rest up to the Lord. 

My birthday was coming up in a month, so I decided to make that the due date. I prayed for God’s help and felt his confirmation that he would. I put my trust in him and over the next month, after taking care of my home and family, spent the rest of my time on the project. 

My birthday came. Despite hours of work, I still hadn’t come anywhere close to finishing it. But I held out hope that some kind of epiphany would come. The day was filled with the normal motherhood tasks. Additionally, my daughter had to go to a dress rehearsal for her upcoming dance recital and we were there for hours. The environment was distracting. I couldn’t write. My mind was tied up in knots. By the end of the night, I realized there would not be an epiphany and I wasn’t going to finish the project.

I was pretty upset. I cried. This was a failure. I knew I had not been negligent in doing my part both in my duties as a mother and as a writer. I went to bed still tied in knots and feeling a reaction of rebellion in my heart in response to the rejection I felt from the Lord.

Over the past three years I had developed a relationship with Him as I was studying his life and Atonement, which had brought me more joy than anything I had ever experienced. While I studied his life, he started “studying” mine in return. He spent a lot of time on me, answering my questions, retraining me, listening to me, and helping me overcome a lot of imbalanced behaviors. I could not choose to be angry with him, yet He knew that I had to deal with my pain. 

Normally, in a conflict I would allow myself to become angry with the other person whether it was someone in my community, my parents, a sibling, my husband, or a child. But He had trained me to bring this kind of conflict to him in prayer and we would deal with it together instead of my reacting to it and making the conflict worse. We had developed this pattern where I would come to him and get all my emotions off my chest. He would listen and empathize. I could actually feel this happening and hear his comforting counsel. It was always what I needed to hear. Once I felt better, I would ask him how I could have handled the situation better and we would walk through it. The next time the same kind of conflict came up, I was better prepared to handle it in a more balanced way. 

But this time, he was the person who was hurting me. 

The next day, I wrestled with my emotions. I was confused and on the edge of anger. I could sense him following me around as I cleaned the house, asking me what I was going to do about this. I couldn’t answer. I couldn’t let go of the anger, but neither could I hold it against him. Letting go was basically saying, “It’s okay that you’re hurting me.” And it wasn’t okay. But holding it against him was sacrificing the relationship we had developed. I knew he was a perfect God and if anyone was out of balance, it was me. But that twisted me up even more.

It was in the afternoon that day that I decided what was most important to me.

There are a million songs that sing about love conquering all. I felt it was literally impossible to forgive the pain. It was like giving up my life, but because of my love for Him I had no other choice. He had changed me from the person I used to be and saved me from all the bitter consequences I used to live in. He had helped me to love again. He had made me sweet where I used to be bitter. I was able to love my kids and myself only because of Him. I could not and would not give up this relationship. I had to let the pain happen without retaliating. So I did. I free-fell backwards. I just let it hurt. I submitted. I forgave. I repented. And in doing this, I was a strong-willed child again, but this time for the sake of love, I used that will to voluntarily accept the pain.

There is this song called “Waterloo” by Abba. You can listen to my aerobics instructor version here: Waterloo. The lyrics go like this:

At Waterloo Napoleon did surrender

And I have met my destiny in quite a similar way

The history book on the shelf

Is always repeating itself

Waterloo, I was defeated, you won the war

Waterloo, promise to love you forever more

Waterloo, couldn’t escape if I wanted to

Waterloo, knowing my fate is to be with you

Waterloo, finally facing my Waterloo

I tried to hold you back, but you were stronger

And now it seems my only chance is giving up the fight

And how could I ever refuse

I feel like I win when I lose

It turns out I did have an epiphany that year for my birthday.

What About Love?

What even is love? For me, I’ve been attempting to figure it out. It seems like this is true for others as well. I just started using Spotify and made my first playlist out of some of my favorite 80s songs. I’ve been listening to Heart sing, “What about love? Don’t you want someone to care about you? What about love? Don’t let it slip away!” And Foreigner sings, “I wanna know what love is. I want you to show me.”

I know that most of the time these 80s songs as well as songs from other generations are singing about romantic love and physical affection. I know romance and physical affection are a part of love. And I do not discount them when considering the meaning of love. 

In the scriptures, Jesus Christ counsels us to love each other. To love each other as we would be loved and to love God with all our heart, might, mind, and strength. So he’s not only talking about romantic relationships. I believe he’s talking about a general way of interacting with each other that can be applied to all types of relationships – marriage, family, and community.

From all of my research and ponderings about what love is, I have concluded so far that it is a an action, a motive, and a state. 

Love Is An Action

As an action, I believe love is sacrifice. When I love someone, I give up my comfortable life to some degree for them. In marriage, I give up all other men to be with my husband. As a mother, I give up spending my time on other life projects that conflict with my ability to parent and nourish my children to the extent that I am able. In my relationships with members of my extended family and friends or others in my community, I share my specific abilities and talents, which hopefully lighten the loads they have to carry.

Right here, there is usually a bunch of judging each other. Who is sacrificing enough for others? Who is loving enough? Is my neighbor loving her kids enough? Is she sacrificing enough? Or does my neighbor see how much I’m really sacrificing for my relationships? 

Who cares?! This isn’t about who is sacrificing or loving better than someone else. That is so twisted. All we need to focus on here is if we are developing compatible relationships with the people right in front of us.

Love Is A Motive

As a motive, I don’t want to sacrifice for ascetic reasons, but for real reasons. I seriously want these other people in my life to be happy because that makes me happy. I guess it comes down to empathy. I literally feel pain when I see someone suffering. Once I was at Chris’ baseball game when he was like 13 years old and another little boy got hit in the head by the baseball. I felt it physically. My soul was affected and I wanted to help him. I wanted to take the pain away from him.

I have come to believe that love is about taking the pain away from others, if at all possible, but it is not taking ALL the pain away from them so they never have to sacrifice. Knowing when to allow others to sacrifice has always been a difficult thing for me. I just want to take all the stress, sorrow, and discomfort away from them. But since sacrifice is love, I would also be taking away their love by attempting to do this. Appreciating, empathizing, honoring, and respecting their sacrifice is what I have needed to learn to do.

I think the real reasons to sacrifice can be summarized into this one goal: to develop sustainable compatible relationships. Relationships that enable all members to live in sustainable joy. Relationship where all members attract the others instead of manipulating, forcing, or guilting them into meeting their needs or the needs of others.

This is one characteristic I have come to see in Jesus Christ as I’ve studied him and experienced his love: He doesn’t want to force, manipulate, or guilt me into sacrificing. In fact, he would rather not have me sacrifice at all for him if that is my only motivation. He wants me to voluntarily sacrifice because I love. And I love because he has loved me like this. He has been real with me. He seriously wants a sustainable compatible relationship with me. And I know he wants that for each of us. He’s willing to negotiate, work it out, figure things out, be flexible, give time and space, and consider ways of doing things that may not be the perfect and simple story-book solution.

Love Is A State

But there are also lines our Savior can’t cross. And the reason he can’t cross them is because of the state of love. The state of love is a result, a continuous relationship, a continuous feeling of love, a continuous attraction. 

I think this could possibly be what the scriptures describe as Charity. It never fails. It can endure suffering for a long time. It’s totally kind. It doesn’t envy the success of others. It isn’t puffed up in fake flattery. It isn’t motivated to get more indulgent pleasure for itself. It’s motivated by sustainable joy. It isn’t easily provoked, it doesn’t think evil. It doesn’t strategize how to manipulate the variables to get what it wants at the expense of others so it has to sacrifice (love) as little as possible. It doesn’t receive any joy out of inequality and having more or less than others. It receives joy from figuring out the truth – how to make relationships work sustainably. It’s able to bear whatever adversity it has to deal with. It believes that sustainable compatible relationships with continuous attraction are possible. It is hopeful, not apathetic or obsessive. It troubleshoots instead of giving up or putting up with conditions and states that are not yet, but potentially can become happily ever after. It is able to endure whatever happens.

So if we want this Charity, there are rules to follow. It’s like a circle, a promise between two or more people, a covenant. There is mercy. But mercy is justice over time. Justice is about keeping our commitments to each other. I have rules that I need others to keep. My kids, family, and friends have rules they need me to keep. You have rules that you need your family and friends to keep. When other people break their commitment to us, they break the rules. 

In the situation where my rules have been broken, I’m the first person to advocate rules, laws, and order. But when I’m the one breaking my commitment to other people, am I the one complaining that there are rules, promises, and responsibilities? 

And WHAT ABOUT LOVE? When it comes to keeping the rules, this is sacrifice. Keeping each other’s rules is a sacrifice. If I complain about having to keep these rules or say that the rules are too demanding and constraining, what exactly am I saying about my love for the person whose rules they are?

Whatever my choice is about voluntarily sacrificing to keep God’s rules and to keep the rules of others, if I want the state of love – Charity – then there are general rules I need to follow. There are no if, ands, or buts. And these rules are usually all about giving, forgiving, repenting. They are about giving Mercy to the extent God has given it to me.

But where is the line? When do "if, ands, or buts" cross that line? I think we can know that when our motive and commitment is love, not asceticism, and not hedonism.

Could Jesus Really Be Tempted?

Did Jesus have the capacity to be tempted? Or was he so powerful that any temptation didn't even phase him?

I’m reading “The Life of Christ” by Frederic W. Farrar again. On pages 116-118 he’s writing about Jesus’s temptations in the wilderness which are described in Matthew 4 and Luke 4. Apparently, there has been some debate on whether Jesus could be tempted since he was a perfect being. Farrar argues that he was vulnerable to temptation just as we are.

“Some, in a zeal…have claimed for Him not only an actual sinlessness, but a nature to which sin was divinely and miraculously impossible. What then? If His great conflict were a mere deceptive phantasma-goria, how can the narrative of it profit us? If we have to fight the battle clad in the armor of human free-will which has been hacked and riven about the bosom of our fathers by so many a cruel blow, what comfort is it to us if our great Captain fought not only victoriously, but without real danger; not only uninjured, but without even a possibility of wound? Where is the warrior’s courage, if he knows that for him there is but the semblance of a battle against the simulacrum* of a foe?...They who would [describe him like this] rob us of our living Christ, who was very man no less than very God, and substitute for Him a perilous Apollinarian** phantom enshrined ‘in the cold empyrean*** of theology,’ and alike incapable of kindling devotion, or of inspiring love” (pg. 116).

* a representation or imitation of a person or thing
**philosophy that Jesus did not have a human mind or soul
***philosophy in which heaven is composed of the pure element of fire

How would our Savior be able to empathize with us in our own struggle against temptation if he had no capability of being tempted? Without having experienced this struggle himself, would he be able to understand what we feel and truly empathize with us?

As I was reading through these pages and pondering on Farrar’s point with which I am in complete agreement, I saw that temptation can only exist when we have made a commitment to proleptically sacrifice certain things or relationships with certain people. I picked up the word proleptic from Farrar. It describes the motives behind our sacrifice. We sacrifice in anticipation of “a future promised act or development as if it presently existed or already has been accomplished” (Dictionary).

When we make this kind of commitment, we become vulnerable to temptation. We sacrifice something good, which is often more tempting because it is actually good, for something better. When we make commitments, opportunity costs are created. We are saying that we are willing to accept those costs in order to obtain something better -the thing or relationship we want more than anything else. And what we usually want is someone else’s commitment to us. We’re willing to keep our long-game commitments to someone who is willing to keep his long-game commitments to us.

So, from this understanding, we can see how Christ would have been tempted above all the rest of us. His commitment to wait for his reward, for his needs to be met, for the fulfillment of his personal desires, was beyond every other person’s commitment that has ever lived. His long-game is seriously long. Many of us have made very long long-game commitments. Because Jesus' commitment to us was and is longer, he is able to support us through our extended trials.

This isn’t a competition. Someone had to put his own life on hold in order for the rest of us to obtain our desires and resolve our conflicts. And we, in turn, put our own lives on hold to a certain degree for others. But we don’t have to put it on hold for as long as our Savior has.

I think it’s easy for us to forget that Jesus’ life was his own just as much as our lives are our own. This was his chance on earth. His time to seize the day. He was given his agency to choose how he would live his life just as much as we have been given ours. Because that was true, we can see how the temptations to take what he wanted and needed would have been pretty intense. He had the power to take it. But he used his agency to choose to wait…wait for us. And as he did this, he experienced long-term suffering throughout his entire life.

We know he was not only a God but a good, healthy, balanced man.  His desires would have been for the basic necessities of life as well as for sustainable compatible relationships in marriage, family, and community. Most of us are not required to sacrifice these things. We’re encouraged to strive to obtain them. Some of us have been required to sacrifice them. Our Savior did too so he is able to empathize with us, which comforts our souls beyond any other resolution process. His sacrifice was meant to enable us to obtain our desires and resolve our conflicts. If we will follow his guidance in regards to our own proleptic sacrifices and receive his atoning proleptic sacrifice we will obtain the basic necessities of life as well as sustainable compatible relationships in marriage, family, and community in the long-game. It’s so proleptic!

"For as we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin." ~Hebrews 4:15

I Hope You Dance

For the past eleven years I’ve been studying Jesus Christ almost as if it were my full time job. It hasn’t been so focused on memorizing trivial details or figuring out the exact timeline of the events of his life. Neither has it been focused on proving that the Gospels sync up or other arguable facts. It’s been more about trying to figure out his character. I’ve wanted to know who it is that I say I worship. And I’ve wanted to know why and how he did the things he did.

It’s been an amazing journey. The more I study him, the more I get him. I should say, the more He has allowed me to understand him. One of my favorite songs that I sing a lot in reference to how I feel about our Redeemer is “Nothing Compares 2U.”   But I have found that I’ve been wrong about no one else comparing.  Most do not but there are some who have some of his qualities and characteristics, thankfully!

Christ-like Characteristics
One of the side effects from my studies that I hadn't anticipated was that I notice his characteristics in other people, especially men. And when I do, something happens to my heart. It is involuntary. Observing people is voluntary but when I see a quality of Christ in them (which I confess is what I’m looking for), the rest is involuntary. I admire them. It pours out of my heart. Sometimes it’s more intense than others. I can’t help it.  I don’t have expectations of any return admiration or love. In fact I prefer to quietly honor them and just figuratively shake my head and say in my head, “Wow!  So amazingly beautiful!” It’s something I can’t really go up and tell them about because it is so powerful and, I believe, sacred. My hope is that it is somehow communicated to them spiritually and anonymously. At least that is what I pray for.

Sometimes I find the opportunity to communicate my opinion to them in an appropriate way. I do this because I know it’s hard to develop His characteristics. I want them to know they are definitely being noticed and are making a difference.  Yet, I know they are not being that way to get noticed.  “That’s what makes you beautiful!” If they were, it would kind of defeat the whole purpose. If I saw they were doing it just to 'be seen of men', my heart wouldn’t do anything. I admire when they use their strengths to help others because they sincerely care as Christ does for them. What my heart does is a confirmation, a validation. And I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one whose heart behaves in this way. 

It works like this: If they really are what I think they are then they will feel what I and others feel for them. If they are not, then my projected admiration passes them by and goes directly to our Savior.

“Take heed that ye do not your alms before men, to be seen of them: otherwise ye have no reward of your Father which is in heaven. Therefore when thou doest thine alms, do not sound a trumpet before thee, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may have glory of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward. But when thou doest alms, let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth: That thine alms may be in secret: and thy Father which seeth in secret himself shall reward thee openly.” ~Matthew 6:1-4

“But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only” ~James 1:22

Chris (rt) returning home, Aaron (lft) already returned, Matthew mission in progress now

RMs
I’m finding that one group of people my heart is especially susceptible to is return missionaries. More often than not my heart does what it does when I observe one of them. When my own sons (the two oldest) came home from their missions, I was so impressed with them. They became men out there. And by that I mean men of God. Men of Christ.

“…arise from the dust, my sons, and be men” ~2 Nephi 1:21

"Our missionaries serving throughout the world are beautiful examples of those who are truly ambitious for Christ." ~Elder Kazuhiko Yamashita, "Be Ambitious for Christ"

There is something about a young man who sacrifices two years of his life to serve the Lord and help others. They have His image in their countenance. It’s this look in their eyes that is confident (not prideful!) and humble (not shameful!) at the same time. Their focus is outward on others, not on themselves, yet they are also open to receiving the blessings others have to offer.

“Have ye received his image in your countenances?” ~Alma 5:14



David Archuleta is a prime example of the type of young man I'm talking about. He had established a lucrative musical career at a young age but he decided to put that on hold while he served a mission. I've watched a few videos of him on his mission and since he's returned. He has continued to use his talent to bless others but somehow he has avoided being corrupted by the pride of the world.  That in itself is one of the most beautiful feats I have ever seen.

Steadfastness
I believe the cause of Christ's image being in the countenance of these young men is because of their sacrifice. They spend these two years forgetting their life, serving the Lord, and loving the people. They endure a lot of rejection and disappointment but line upon line, they learn how to stay steadfast in Christ and love through it all. When they sacrifice like that they become beautiful. They can't help it.  

For our Savior, it didn’t matter what the scribes and Pharisees said or did to him. He just kept doing what his Father instructed him to do. This is one of my favorite qualities in him. One example of this is healing on the Sabbath. That act made the Jewish leadership very angry because they had created many detailed encumbering rules about keeping the Sabbath day holy which conflicted with God's laws. But he just kept doing it. 

Another example of standing steadfast is his common association with publicans and sinners, which the Jewish leadership didn’t like much either. They stayed away from such people and prided themselves on their self-exalted status. But our Savior continued his association with them anyway. It caused the higher ranking groups of his society to reject him, persecute him, and want to eliminate him. But he kept walking the pathway his Father laid out for him.

“Therefore, I would that ye should be steadfast and immovable, always abounding in good works, that Christ, the Lord God Omnipotent, may seal you his…” ~Mosiah 5:15

I Hope You Dance
My hope for my own sons and all of these other men of Christ who are getting home from their missions is that they won’t let that fire die out. I don’t want them to grow old and fat and boring and become spiritual dull slugs (#King Noah).

“Make the heart of this people fat, and make their ears heavy, and shut their eyes; lest they see with their eyes, and hear with their ears, and understand with their heart, and convert, and be healed.” ~Isaiah 6:10

This past week I've been listening to this song called, “I Hope You Dance” by LeeAnn Womack. That song pretty much sums up my hope for these boys/men (man-cubs).  And I spin the lyrics “I hope you dance” to mean:  I hope you will continue sacrificing, growing, and becoming more like Christ over time so that you can continue being the best thing ever for your (future) wives, children, and your communities.  I hope you don’t involve yourself in anything that will stunt your growth. I hope you see repentance as a gift and an opportunity, not an accusation.  I hope you will keep your balance in confidence and humility and always work to stay away from pride and envy. I hope you will maintain your allegiance to Christ when the going gets tough or when the going gets pretty boring, instead of turning to other things that could enslave you in the end. I hope you never lose sight of your mission goals even though you have to be concerned with making a living now and other temporal things. My prayers and my heart are with you. Stay beautiful!

So Say Geronimo!

Life is a highway but I don’t want to ride it all night long. Here’s why:

When I went on that road trip mentioned in the previous blog post, I dropped my son off at college and then headed south to visit my mom and stepdad.  I was on the highway for a long time.  I was envisioning my destination. I was sure my mom would have dinner ready, a nice cozy room for me to stay in, and it would be good to be out of the car. I was motivated to get there as efficiently as possible.  That was my goal.  I like to drive fast but I also strive to yield to the speed limit laws so when the sign says I can go 80, I want to go 80.

Listen:  "Life Is A Highway" by Rascal Flatts

Driving Obstacles
The first obstacle between me and my final destination was the distance.  I had to endure through the sacrifice of time, vigilance, and pressing on that gas peddle to be able to achieve my goal.  Really not too bad of a sacrifice considering the efforts my predecessors made crossing the same distance.  The second obstacle was to stay within the law—obey the speed limit as well as the other rules of the road, one of my favorite being: Stay to the right except to pass.  The third obstacle was the other drivers on the road, all of whom had their own destinations and there own way of getting there.  Some drove faster than me and thus over the speed limit and some drove slower than me and under the speed limit.  Some of the slower drivers liked to stay in the fast lane even though they weren’t passing anyone.  Some slower drivers liked to get in front of me just as I was about to pass a semi.  And that kind of stuff happened over and over again.  It wasn’t just a one time experience.  And of course it happens repeatedly every time I take a road trip.  I’m sure it’s the same for everyone else.

These other drivers and their different ways of driving present multiple conflicts for me as I’m focused on my goal:  getting to my final destination in the most efficient way possible.  This is because  I have another goal that is more important to me.  It’s to maintain Charity. It’s to love others and do good to them, regardless of how they treat me.  My commitment is to Paradoxical Living (see  blog posts Paradoxical Parenting and World Peace). So I wondered how I could maintain that commitment.  And what were my motives for trying to keep this commitment on the highway when nobody I knew was around?  

...Except God.  He’s around and is the one I’m mostly concerned about so I somehow had to figure out how to deal appropriately with each little internal irritating conflict I was having.  My goal above all sub-goals is to make my temple—my body and spirit—a sacred place where God himself would desire to dwell.  Nourishing irritating feelings and persistent unkind thoughts spawns bad habits and creates an environment in me that he may not be so comfortable in.  And without him there, life is not the same. So you see where my motivation to learn how to deal fairly and charitably with all these unknown drivers on the road (who I will probably never see again in my life) is coming from.

Every time I was caught behind a slow driver or was being tailed by someone going faster than the speed limit, I had a choice to make.  I could allow the jerk in me to come out. That’s certainly the response that comes natural and easy to me in the moment.  I could have manipulated whatever variables within my control to get in front of others.  I could have tailed other people as close as I dared to communicate to them in a rude (and dangerous) way that I wanted them to get out of my way or that I didn’t like how they had done the same to me a minute ago.  I could have a me-first mentality all the way from Colorado to Provo and then from Provo to St. George.  I could have spread selfishness all the way across two states.  I say spread because we all know what we are tempted to do when someone treats us with selfishness.  It’s like a virus.

If I choose the above action plan, I use this reasoning:  I have somewhere to go.  I have to get there.  I don’t like to be in the car longer than I have to be.  These people are in my way.  They don’t know how to drive.  I do.  But the issue is, I’m a little too smart to get away with this reasoning.  Or the Spirit that hangs out with me is.  Never fails, if I am reasoning that I have somewhere to go, I immediately see that SO DO THE OTHER DRIVERS!  So amazing, isn’t it?  Everyone is on a journey to obtain their own goals.  And somehow, someway we’ve got to put up with each other as we cross each other’s paths or travel along the same roads for a while.

Life is a Highway is a fun song but I think a song that better describes my Life-Highway experience is Geronimo by Sheppard.



Read on to see what I mean.

What is Charity?
The other response I could have to the “other people on the road” is to maintain Charity towards them.  This is about not tailing them when they are in front of me and going slower than the speed limit.  It is about giving them plenty of space and waiting for them to move over when they get the chance.  Usually they can’t move over anyway because a semi is in the way or it’s a two-lane highway.  So what good is tailing them?  And if they choose to get in front of me before I pass the semi, then let them.  Slow down and remember they are on their journey too.  Here is an opportunity to give them a hand.  I’ll voluntarily break and allow them to go in front of me when their blinker comes on.  I can do that. It’s just a small thing.  Yeah, it is uncomfortable, but every effort makes me into a different person—someone who has the capacity to bear the weight of others’ goals AND/OR problems, ignorances, mistakes, selfishness, imbalances WITHOUT crumbling into selfishness myself.  To be able to do this, I have to remember that this is my main goal, not the other.  It means more to me than getting to my nice warm and cozy dinner, family, and bed.  I don’t want to arrive at my destination having littered the road with unkind deeds and having a virulent irritation for all humanity sprouting up in my heart.  What kind of reward would I be to my family when I finally got there if that was the way I got there?  What kind of environment in my temple would I be making for God if I did that all the time?

“But [Jesus] answered and said, It is written, Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God.” ~Matthew 4:4

Make this leap!

My real goal is about dealing with every conflict that comes my way with success.  I stay in the Safe Place, meaning I don’t lose the Spirit.  I assist other people to do that as well.  If I’m rude to them, even if I think they’ve been rude to me first, I become a pawn of the adversary’s to tempt them out of the Safe Place. A lot of times we think people are being rude to us on purpose but they are sometimes just doing whatever they’re doing out of ignorance or innocence. And sometimes we get angry at ignorance. We call it negligence. That only spawns hatred of humanity, which ends with us becoming one of the humans we hate.

"Wherefore, he has given a law; and where there is no law given there is no punishment; and where there is no punishment there is no condemnation; and where there is no condemnation the mercies of the Holy One of Israel have claim upon them, because of the atonement; for they are delivered by the power of him." ~2 Nephi 9:25

Bombs away!  Can you feel my love?

When I maintain Charity towards others who drive evidently selfish, it’s not that I have warm fuzzy loving feelings for them throughout the whole experience.  I don’t. It hurts.  It annoys. It is a workout for my heart to not respond in kind. I accept this workout. I know why I’m feeling this pain. I’m sacrificing for my fellow men in general. I know God understands it when I’m working through the irritation. In fact he's been there and probably quite a bit. He just doesn’t want me to give way to it, agree with it, nourish it, and act upon it.

Make this leap!

Some people choose to reduce the intensity of this workout by making up excuses in their minds about why the other driver was so selfish. Maybe they are on the way to the hospital or some other emergency.  Maybe they just didn’t know. Yeah, that helps to some degree and sometimes it’s true.  But my intelligence does not allow me to trick myself into believing it is the case in every situation or even most situations.  I know there are in existence many drivers who drive selfishly because they are selfish and they don’t give a crap about anyone else.  I just can’t make myself believe that everyone of them has some kind of medical emergency or they have no idea what they are doing.  So when I maintain Charity towards drivers like these the love I have for them comes from my actions.  I will allow them to get in front of me.  I will wait for them.  I will be patient with them.  I will not respond in kind.  I won’t flip them off or ride on their tail or make ugly faces or shake my fist at them.  I will remain patient.  Under no circumstance will they see a trace of the struggle I’m having inside because of what they did.  I will maintain my countenance so they have no idea what’s happening inside of me.  Let's just be clear here:  This is what I'm striving to achieve.  Not what I have yet achieved.

"Moreover when ye fast, be not, as the hypocrites, of a sad countenance: for they disfigure their faces, that they may appear unto men to fast. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward. But thou, when thou fastest, anoint thine head, and wash thy face; That thou appear not unto men to fast, but unto thy Father which is in secret: and thy Father, which seeth in secret, shall reward thee openly." ~Matthew 6:16-18

Make this leap!

That’s how I love them.  I’m not thinking, “Oh you poor soul, God loves you!  Go in front of me.  You are a wonderful human being.” No. I’m thinking, “I get it. I’ve been there too. Running late or just prefer to drive fast and thinking only of your own destination. Not there yet in being able to figure out that all of us around you want to get to our destination as efficiently as possible too.  I’ll deal with this. I will not fan the flame of my irritation. I’ll just wait for it to pass through me. I hope you learn sometime soon that selfishness is not the best strategy to obtain what you want.”

Can you feel my love?  Make this leap!

If I am forced to endure the lawless driving of another vehicle on the highway for extended periods of time after I have been patient, I objectively look for a way to get around them or away from them.  I don’t do it to communicate how angry I am with them.  I do it matter-of-factly.  I am saying, “Go ahead and proceed the way you are if that is your way of driving, but I’m just going to go along my way too.  Pass on the right.  Bye!”  Of course if they are way lawless and dangerous, I should report it to the highway patrol so this person doesn’t end up crashing into someone else.  In other relationship scenarios, I could most likely open the communication channels up more fully before having to call in “the authorities.”  Thankfully, since I’m keeping myself in the Safe Place instead of losing it, I can listen to the Holy Ghost to make that kind of discernment-decision.

But we all know that we get into scenarios where we can do nothing to pass the person and are stuck behind them seemingly forever.  In this case we have a greater degree of adversity to bear. Just objectively knowing this is a very difficult trial to endure gives me greater ability to deal with it.  Fighting the natural man response process will only make me stronger.  I turn to the Lord in faith.  I plead for his help—to help me endure to the end of this trial and to help me get out of it soon.  Then I just endure as long as is required because I trust he won’t allow things to try me past what is good for me. 

“So say Geronimo!”

Obviously these kinds of conflicts do indeed happen on the highway.  But the metaphor is that life is a highway and the interactions we have with other drivers are symbolic of the interactions we have with everyone in our lives: our spouse, kids, relatives, friends, neighbors, community members, coworkers, etc.  And while we all have a final destination to get to—our happiness and comfort with family and friends—bee-lining to it at the expense of others is not the best way to get there.  Why?  Because we’re being watched.  God is watching us and all his holy angels.  They are keeping a careful record.  Our final-final destination is with all of them as well as our present family and friends.  And the type of person we have become along life’s highways is the type of person we are at our final destination.  Who do we want to live with there and who will want to live with us?

I know my heaven is with people who have developed their Charity to a similar level that I have by doing what I’m struggling to do on life’s highway.  And heaven is “through the curtains of the waterfall!”  The kind of spirits that attend us now are the kind of people we will dwell with eternally.  Even if no one on the highway sees or cares too much about how much I “make this leap!” for them, I know God sees it.  I can feel his increased desire to dwell with me when he sees it.  My family and friends feel the difference in their interactions with me.  Perhaps if I can master this Highway Charity with the Savior’s help, I will eventually sing, “Life is a highway and I [do] want to ride it all night long.”  If he’s going my way (or I’m going his), then yeah, I do “want to drive it all night long.”  But for now...

“We can make this leap!…Through the curtains of the waterfall…So say Geronimo!…Bombs away…Can you feel my love?”

Voluntary vs. Grudge Sacrifice

I've been thinking a lot about how hard it is to maintain the voluntary nature of a sacrifice when the pain and suffering are mounting.  To keep our heart and our motives pure instead of flipping to selfishness and envy is so intensely difficult when the sacrifice we're making is bleeding the life out of us.

Sacrifice & Adversity
Just to be clear about what I mean when I use the word sacrifice:  It is the expenditure of energy.  When we physically work, we’re sacrificing the available energy in our body in order to accomplish a task.  When we have to endure adversity of any kind, we also expend spiritual energy. We give up our peace. Sometimes we bring these sacrifices upon ourselves.  Sometimes they are forced upon us.  Bad things happen to us.  They happen to really bad people and really good people and everyone in between.  It’s how we respond to that adversity that makes us who we are.  Do we submit to the burden that’s placed upon our shoulders and willingly expend that energy to resolve it the best we can because that was our voluntary agreement when we chose to come to this earth?  Or do we fight against it and begrudge it because we don’t have any recollection that we agreed to endure adversity in order to receive all the other blessings this life would bring us?

"For behold, if a man being evil giveth a gift, he doeth it grudgingly; wherefore it is counted unto him the same as if he had retained the gift; wherefore he is counted evil before God." ~Moroni 7:8

The Atonement of Jesus Christ
Voluntary Sacrifice is what Jesus Christ did.  It is what he exemplified when he was faced with adversity.  He wasn't hanging there on the cross hating everyone and feeling sorry for himself and thinking his lot in life was not fair.  He wasn't contemplating revenge or escape.  He was taking it willingly, assigning the cause to his Father, knowing the Father could release him at any time.  Indeed, our Savior could have released himself at any time as was seen when he was the one who decided when it was finished and “gave up the ghost.”  Inside, he was allowing all of this pain and suffering to happen to him without changing his love to hatred and bitterness.  He remained steadfast in Voluntary Sacrifice.

"No man taketh it from me, but I lay it down of myself. I have power to lay it down, and I have power to take it again. This commandment have I received of my Father." ~John 10:18

"After this, Jesus knowing that all things were now accomplished, that the scripture might be fulfilled, saith, I thirst. Now there was set a vessel full of vinegar: and they filled a sponge with vinegar, and put it upon hyssop, and put it to his mouth. When Jesus therefore had received the vinegar, he said, It is finished: and he bowed his head, and gave up the ghost." ~John 19:28-30

In order to keep the sacrifice voluntary, we can only sacrifice within our Threshold or our Zone to do it.  Beyond that, the voluntary ability of our heart ends.  It involuntarily turns to fighting the sacrifice or making it a grudge sacrifice.  And the only valuable sacrifice is one that is done under voluntary conditions.  If it is not voluntary it does not create sustainable results on the side of the sufferer or on the side of those for whom the sacrifice is being done.  Jesus Christ had the capacity to Voluntarily Sacrifice within his Threshold for all the rest of us, both physically and spiritually.  I’m sure it took him to his very limits, but he did it.  He accomplished the Atonement!

"These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." ~John 16:33

All that is required of us is to sacrifice within our Threshold.  Anything more or less than this does no good.  Understanding these rules behind sacrifice enables me to understand better what Christ did for us.  It astounds me but it's not beyond my comprehension.  It's something I can comprehend because I have suffered to the extremes of my own Threshold.  I know the voluntary/forced fight that goes on inside me.  Sometimes I can’t keep it voluntary no matter what I do and my adversity is no where near what His was!  This is why we can empathize with Christ and he with us.

"And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities." ~Alma 7:12

“We should not assume … that just because something is unexplainable by us it is unexplainable.” ~Elder Neal A. Maxwell quoted by Elder M. Russell Ballard

It’s Like Fitness 
I may not have the cardiorespiratory fitness that a marathon runner has. But I may feel the same discomfort and pain running a 5K, as a marathon runner would feel running a marathon.  That’s because a 5K may be my present capacity.  That’s what my body is trained to handle.  It may be that I have certain genetic weaknesses or certain injuries that make it so a 5K is just like a marathon for me.  The level of exertion I experience creates the intensity of the sacrifice.  I am aware of the battle that goes on between body and spirit when I get to the edge of my Threshold.  I can feel the battle of my motivation—voluntary vs. forced.  I feel what Christ did when he was at the edge of his.  I also feel what others feel when they are at the edge of theirs.  So I can empathize with them even if I haven’t gone through exactly what they are going through.  It’s physics.  Because I am weaker, I experience greater pain with less adversity.  Because Christ is stronger, he would experience less pain with my same level of adversity, but similar pain with the level of adversity that would push him to his Threshold edge.

Training to Increase Our Threshold
There is a range of balance in my cardiorespiratory and muscular Thresholds that needs to be maintained and challenged but not overcome throughout the training process.  If I take the time to be trained I can actually grow in my capacity.  Maybe right now I can’t even run a 5K.  But if I work up to it gradually and consistently, I will be able to do it.  I will be able to handle more adversity without crossing out of my Threshold.  My sacrifice will remain voluntary with greater intensities instead of turning into a grudge sacrifice.

I’ve had my Fitbit on for 20 days now.  It tracks a lot of things including my resting heart rate (RHR).  I’ve noticed this rate has incrementally dropped during the last 20 days as I exercise more consistently and intensely than what I was doing before.  I also notice my exertion during exercise is decreasing in correspondence with my RHR so I can do more, move faster in less time and thus burn the same amount of calories as before in less time without running faster than I have strength.  In the fitness world, this is called perceived exertion.  It’s a great metaphor for how each of us have our own Threshold of sacrifice.  Two people can be walking at the same exact pace but one of them might be working much harder, according to their perceived exertion, than the other.  The factors that affect that difference in perception can be both physical and spiritual.  So the goal is to work within our personal Threshold of perceived exertion.  When we do that, we become stronger, faster, and able to bear a heavier sacrifice over time.

Sacrifice:  Objective Value
What makes the marathon runner’s sacrifice greater than mine is the time he took to train verses the time I took to train, given we are both healthy individuals with the capacity to develop our cardiorespiratory systems and musculature to that level, without any genetic obstacles.  If we both have the capacity and Desire to become marathon runners, and I have trained myself to be able to run a 5K, while he has trained himself to be able to run a marathon, it objectively would take a longer time to develop his body than it would mine.  He would have been required to remain steadfast in his goal for a longer period of time than I would have.  No giving up.  So steadfastness in obeying his Trainer would have been one of his main qualities.

Jehovah --
"The covenant or proper name of the God of Israel. It denotes the 'Unchangeable One,' 'the eternal I AM'"  ~Bible Dictionary

"I gave my back to the smiters, and my cheeks to them that plucked off the hair: I hid not my face from shame and spitting. For the Lord God will help me; therefore shall I not be confounded: therefore have I set my face like a flint, and I know that I shall not be ashamed." ~Isaiah 50:6-7

Spiritual Fitness
Just as there are physical 5Ks and marathons, there are spiritual 5Ks and marathons.  A large portion of our society loves to get us to use Pride/Envy evaluations of our physical and spiritual fitness.  They advocate comparing our fitness to another to assess personal value in Pride or Envy, not so we can use it to bless the lives of others.  But that gets us no where.  In Christ’s world of Confidence/Humility, there are no Pride/Envy class distinctions.  If we want to develop our spiritual fitness level, we can.  It all is dependent upon our DESIRE TO LOVE.  Some people want to develop the capacity to run a spiritual 5K.  They love at that level and are satisfied there.  Others want to run spiritual marathons.  That’s where they find their greatest balance. Those who want to run marathons have no business judging those who just want to run 5Ks.  In fact, it is the 5K-ers who make up their spiritual marathon.  They are what make their spiritual sacrifice more difficult.  Spiritual marathon runners use their strength to love spiritual 5Kers or spiritual 1Kers in Confidence and Empathy and NOT Pride.  Those who run 5Ks have no business judging those who want to run marathons.  It is the marathoners who make it possible for them to run the distance/time of their choice.  They use their Humility and Gratitude and NOT Envy to receive the help they need to accomplish their goals and resolve their conflicts from marathon runners. 

It’s so symbiotic because we both need each other.  Neither of us would be able to experience Joy at the intensity level we desire if it weren’t for the other.  Peace isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.  Too much of it leaves us in boredom, stagnancy, and depression.  Ask anyone who has recently retired.  Sacrificing our peace for others completes that peace and enables us to feel that amazing flow of energy that is Joy.

Too Much/Too Little
We not only have a Threshold for how hard we can work before it is too much, but we also have a Threshold for how easy we can work before it is too little.  We all have to do something in order to obtain what we want and separate ourselves from the things we don't want. We can’t choose to run/walk at a rate that is beneath our capacity. We need to sacrifice to a certain degree in order to stay alive on this earth.  Atrophy is real and it sets in when we under-do it just as much as Injury sets in when we overdo it.  Likewise, we need to sacrifice above a certain Threshold in order to obtain and maintain Joy. 

It was Jesus Christ’s choice, mission, and inherent strength to develop the capacity to run the farthest distance/time for his personal sacrifice so that each of us could voluntarily sacrifice at the level we personally are able AND also develop our Threshold capacity according to our Desires.  He made it so the sacrifice could remain VOLUNTARY, instead of forced.  That is the power of Attraction!  Through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, he enables us to retain our agency, love, and Joy through whatever adversity we are required to bear.

"And for this cause have I been lifted up; therefore, according to the power of the Father I will draw all men unto me, that they may be judged according to their works." ~3 Nephi 27:15

"And I, if I be lifted up from the earth, will draw all men unto me." ~John 12:32