I know that most of the time these 80s songs as well as songs from other generations are singing about romantic love and physical affection. I know romance and physical affection are a part of love. And I do not discount them when considering the meaning of love.
In the scriptures, Jesus Christ counsels us to love each other. To love each other as we would be loved and to love God with all our heart, might, mind, and strength. So he’s not only talking about romantic relationships. I believe he’s talking about a general way of interacting with each other that can be applied to all types of relationships – marriage, family, and community.
From all of my research and ponderings about what love is, I have concluded so far that it is a an action, a motive, and a state.
Love Is An Action
As an action, I believe love is sacrifice. When I love someone, I give up my comfortable life to some degree for them. In marriage, I give up all other men to be with my husband. As a mother, I give up spending my time on other life projects that conflict with my ability to parent and nourish my children to the extent that I am able. In my relationships with members of my extended family and friends or others in my community, I share my specific abilities and talents, which hopefully lighten the loads they have to carry.
Right here, there is usually a bunch of judging each other. Who is sacrificing enough for others? Who is loving enough? Is my neighbor loving her kids enough? Is she sacrificing enough? Or does my neighbor see how much I’m really sacrificing for my relationships?
Who cares?! This isn’t about who is sacrificing or loving better than someone else. That is so twisted. All we need to focus on here is if we are developing compatible relationships with the people right in front of us.
Love Is A Motive
I have come to believe that love is about taking the pain away from others, if at all possible, but it is not taking ALL the pain away from them so they never have to sacrifice. Knowing when to allow others to sacrifice has always been a difficult thing for me. I just want to take all the stress, sorrow, and discomfort away from them. But since sacrifice is love, I would also be taking away their love by attempting to do this. Appreciating, empathizing, honoring, and respecting their sacrifice is what I have needed to learn to do.
I think the real reasons to sacrifice can be summarized into this one goal: to develop sustainable compatible relationships. Relationships that enable all members to live in sustainable joy. Relationship where all members attract the others instead of manipulating, forcing, or guilting them into meeting their needs or the needs of others.
This is one characteristic I have come to see in Jesus Christ as I’ve studied him and experienced his love: He doesn’t want to force, manipulate, or guilt me into sacrificing. In fact, he would rather not have me sacrifice at all for him if that is my only motivation. He wants me to voluntarily sacrifice because I love. And I love because he has loved me like this. He has been real with me. He seriously wants a sustainable compatible relationship with me. And I know he wants that for each of us. He’s willing to negotiate, work it out, figure things out, be flexible, give time and space, and consider ways of doing things that may not be the perfect and simple story-book solution.
Love Is A State
But there are also lines our Savior can’t cross. And the reason he can’t cross them is because of the state of love. The state of love is a result, a continuous relationship, a continuous feeling of love, a continuous attraction.
I think this could possibly be what the scriptures describe as Charity. It never fails. It can endure suffering for a long time. It’s totally kind. It doesn’t envy the success of others. It isn’t puffed up in fake flattery. It isn’t motivated to get more indulgent pleasure for itself. It’s motivated by sustainable joy. It isn’t easily provoked, it doesn’t think evil. It doesn’t strategize how to manipulate the variables to get what it wants at the expense of others so it has to sacrifice (love) as little as possible. It doesn’t receive any joy out of inequality and having more or less than others. It receives joy from figuring out the truth – how to make relationships work sustainably. It’s able to bear whatever adversity it has to deal with. It believes that sustainable compatible relationships with continuous attraction are possible. It is hopeful, not apathetic or obsessive. It troubleshoots instead of giving up or putting up with conditions and states that are not yet, but potentially can become happily ever after. It is able to endure whatever happens.
So if we want this Charity, there are rules to follow. It’s like a circle, a promise between two or more people, a covenant. There is mercy. But mercy is justice over time. Justice is about keeping our commitments to each other. I have rules that I need others to keep. My kids, family, and friends have rules they need me to keep. You have rules that you need your family and friends to keep. When other people break their commitment to us, they break the rules.
In the situation where my rules have been broken, I’m the first person to advocate rules, laws, and order. But when I’m the one breaking my commitment to other people, am I the one complaining that there are rules, promises, and responsibilities?
And WHAT ABOUT LOVE? When it comes to keeping the rules, this is sacrifice. Keeping each other’s rules is a sacrifice. If I complain about having to keep these rules or say that the rules are too demanding and constraining, what exactly am I saying about my love for the person whose rules they are?
Whatever my choice is about voluntarily sacrificing to keep God’s rules and to keep the rules of others, if I want the state of love – Charity – then there are general rules I need to follow. There are no if, ands, or buts. And these rules are usually all about giving, forgiving, repenting. They are about giving Mercy to the extent God has given it to me.
But where is the line? When do "if, ands, or buts" cross that line? I think we can know that when our motive and commitment is love, not asceticism, and not hedonism.
