Where Had Jesus Grown Up?

In May of 2014, I went to Egypt, Jordan, and Israel with a Christian tour group. 

While touring through Israel, our guide Ruthie had us on the lookout for small fuzzy creatures that were native to Africa and the Middle East. She had a name for them, but I can’t remember it. She told us that it was rare to catch a glimpse of them, but we all hoped we would.

We visited a vast grove of date trees south of Jerusalem. The bus driver made a couple of loops around the area in hopes of seeing some of the animals, but we didn’t even see one.

A few days later we were in the more northern parts of Israel around Nazareth and Mount Hermon. Traffic was heavy in the city of Nazareth. It was crowded and full of modern-day buildings, cars, and ornate churches. A couple thousand years of history was built on top of what once was a remote village nestled into the hills above the large fertile Jezreel Valley. I wanted to visualize what life would have been like in this place where Christ grew up. Some archaeologists believe Nazareth was very small back in the first century with something like 400 people.

I really wanted to get a feel for the home where Jesus had grown up, but it wasn’t happening. Yet I kept praying for it and holding out hope. 

We continued moving north in the following days and visited Caesarea Philippi, the place in the New Testament where Jesus asked his disciples, “Whom do men say that I the Son of man am?” (Matthew 16:13-20)

After we visited the grotto area and talked about this event in Jesus’ life, the tour guide allowed us to explore the area on our own. Normally when we explored, we stayed together, but this was a place with short hikes and trails. So, this time I felt safe enough to go on my own.

I turned my mind to the Lord’s like usual and he immediately pointed me to a pathway that led up into a little forested area. I just followed him. After crossing over the creek on a wooden bridge (see the image at the top of the blog), I hiked up the side of the bluff. I was the only one who had gone this way. The pathway didn’t seem to be “well-travelled”. 

When I got to the top, I saw them – more than a half dozen of the elusive fuzzy creatures we had been searching for! They were nested in the trees and the crevices of a rocky outcropping. There were a couple of mamas with babies. It was delightful! 

I later found them online. They are called Hyraxes. They live in parts of Africa and the Middle East in forested areas, vegetation zones, and areas with large rock outcrops. They eat mostly leaves, twigs, fruit, bark, and grass. Their feet are equipped with rubbery pads, which allow them to climb trees very quickly and jump great distances (Treehouses).

I walked quietly and cautiously through the trees so I wouldn’t scare them. A couple of mamas hissed at me. I took some pictures so I could show the rest of the group when I got back, but I was thankful that I could experience this peaceful sacred place alone with Him. I wondered if this less trodden place, away from the ornate churches, was more like the place where he grew up. I wondered if these animals were around when he lived in the area. Whatever the case, I knew he was answering my prayer. He had brought me to a quiet place in nature to catch a glimpse of him.

I Was Tired of Thinking What Other People Were Thinking of Me

A month or so after I had been mourning with my friend over the loss of her husband (See Was It Enough to Mourn with Her?), and after her closer family and friends had arrived to help, I stepped away for a few days to be comforted and to get refocused on my writing. It was my husband that suggested I take a short trip to Tuscan, AZ – somewhere warm and sunny. We had gotten into the pattern of when I was in need of comfort and soul nourishment, he would send me away on writer’s retreats. 

Creating a Space for God

My writing had become my predominant source of peace. Between 2003 and 2005, I had attended writer’s conferences at BYU every year. But in 2006, I stopped going to those and started going to private writer’s retreats. For Mother's Day or my birthday, my husband arranged for me to stay in a hotel in Vail, Colorado for a few days. I would write, get stuck or have a question, go to a different part in the room, kneel down and pray, ask for direction, go back to writing, receive the answers, and repeat. Being alone like that and making a space for the Lord to come into my life – to Hear Him – in these early years was instrumental in developing my relationship with him. 

During these retreats and the months in between them I developed this habit of turning to God, rather than to anyone else. In 2007, I was still relatively new to communicating with him at this higher level. It wasn’t a matter of whether or not he was communicating with me; I realize that he always has been. It was a matter of me tuning in to hear his voice more distinctly, increasing the volume and frequency, and differentiating it from my own.

“My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me” ~John 10:27

Alone at a Hotel Resort

So, at this retreat in Tuscan, I was alone at this hotel resort. Most people were with other people. I ate dinner in the dining room alone. I walked around the resort alone. I was in the elevator alone awkwardly wondering if I should strike up a conversation or not. All this made me feel uncomfortable. I didn’t feel uncomfortable being alone in my hotel room or in general. It was when I went down to eat or sit in an outdoor communal space around the resort. I felt vulnerable like people were looking at me and wondering why I was alone. It started to bother me more because I didn’t want to waste my time thinking about what they were thinking of me. Yet, I couldn’t stop myself. It was like a bad habit. So, I started praying about it. 

Converting Thoughts into Written Words

My prayers during these days were written in my journal. This helped me make my conversations with God more tangible. Before, when I used to pray in my mind, it kept the communication abstract and in that vague realm of swirling thoughts and ideas. Writing them down converted my thoughts to the more concrete. And I believed it demonstrated to God that I was serious about wanting to know him better and his will for me. The bottom line was that it was the most important thing to me to Hear Him, not because it was the righteous thing to do, but because this was so intensely amazing, nothing could keep me away from it. At home, every free moment I had while I was taking care of my kids, washing the dishes, vacuuming, making meals, and pulling weeds, I was turning to him. 

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

When I started writing my prayers out in 2006, my growth process accelerated. It became more intentional. I incrementally became aware of things I hadn’t noticed before. I was increasingly aware of my negative thought processes because I felt this new censure in my heart. For example, when I had a prideful thought, my heart would suddenly take a fall - this small kind of bitter-fear-like feeling. The more time I spent learning about Jesus Christ and who he was, the more I saw him and his characteristics. The more I saw him, the more I became conscious of where I could improve. It was a combination of my increased awareness of his presence in my mind and these effects I experienced in my heart. It was like I had a heightened awareness of when I stepped away from him and his way of thinking and loving. This was extremely fascinating to me and I absolutely loved it. Even though I was being censured and it was hard to learn how to speak his language, I was so thankful for it.

Random Reciprocity Thought Processes

Consequently, I was experiencing a new level of awareness in Tuscan, when I was alone at this busy hotel resort. I was aware of my thoughts about what other people were thinking about me. I’ll refer to this type of thinking as Random Reciprocity Thought Processes. It was annoying me that I was doing this. I recognized how insecure it made me feel. I wanted to be free of it. It was getting in the way of my relationship with the Lord because when I thought about what all these strangers were thinking about me, I couldn’t keep my mind with his. I would be distracted. I felt myself stepping away from his presence. And I wanted to stay with him all the time, not only because I loved hanging out with him and hearing what he said, but also because I didn’t like the vulnerability of listening for what everyone else was thinking about me. In essence, when I would engage in Random Reciprocity thinking, I really was alone.

He told me that the way to resolve this problem was to value his evaluation of me more than other people’s. He said I was using Random Reciprocity Thought Processes to asses my value. He reminded me of a time when I had gained the most control of these thought processes. It was when I was engaged to my soon-to-be husband. No one else’s opinion of me was more important than his. When other people voiced their opinions, they surprised me because I hadn’t been thinking about what they were thinking of me at all. I was more oblivious.

“Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not.” ~D&C 6:36

The Effect of Relationships on Thought Processes

I developed Reciprocity Thought Processes when I was a child, partly out of self-preservation. People oftentimes take offense to what you do or say or are. And sometimes their response process hurts. They don’t notice or accept you unless you do certain things or act a certain way or are a certain way. And sometimes that makes you feel alone. As a child, I picked up on this unspoken communication process. I unintentionally changed certain things about myself based on the positive and negative feedback I received. 

I also think this type of thinking intertwines with Empathy. Empathy is using Reciprocity Thought Processes, not to assess what other people are thinking of me, but to assess how they are thinking and feeling in a given situation. I use that information to determine how to best help them. This means the process of thinking what others are thinking or feeling isn’t the problem. It’s when I use the gift to assess how valuable I am to random citizens that the trouble occurs. Those people who have the ability to deeply empathize with people may have a more difficult time than others with controlling their Reciprocity Thought Processes.

If children don’t develop good, nurturing relationships with their parents and close family members, they will naturally and unconsciously seek approval and acceptance from others. They will adjust their behaviors accordingly. I studied this psychological concept in college. Some psychologists refer to it as Behavioral Conditioning. Over time if children live with a lack of love and acceptance in the home, instead of becoming their parents’ child, they become the child of someone else or of random people. I’m pretty sure this is how I developed this habit.

But when I met my future husband, I only wanted his approval and acceptance. It shut down any need to receive it from random sources. After we were married, we had issues from the get-go as most married couples do, but my Reciprocity Thought Processes continued to be bound to him. However, after around seven years of marriage, something changed in my relationship with him. Something started happening that began to block this bonding process. I was not aware of what it was, but I was aware of the change in the effects in my heart. Only with hindsight and training have I been able to put all the puzzle pieces together to understand what was going on.

The Value of a Growth Mindset

By the Spring of 2007, when I was in this Tuscan hotel, I was once again caught up in Random Reciprocity Thought Processes. And when I prayed to get in control of them so I could turn them off, the answer was to seek approval and acceptance only from the Lord. The more I valued him, the more valuable his opinion of me would be. This would close the door to my unconscious search for the acceptance, approval, and admiration from random people.

But that triggered certain questions and so I asked Him. Why would he admire who and what I was if he was the very one who was training me to become this? He responded to me with his own question: Are you only valuable to someone if you came into the relationship already equipped with talents, strengths, abilities, and beauty? Hmm…. I had never analyzed my thought processes so clearly. I wondered why I had been thinking about it like that.

“And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.” ~Ether 12:27

He said there was another type of strength that was more valuable than other strengths: Coming into my relationship with Him ready and willing to learn and grow. Someone who has this kind of growth mindset is of more value than anything else because this person can become whatever He wants her to be. And I knew what he wanted me to be was the best that I could be. That’s what I wanted to be. The only limits were the ones that I created.

The pathway to get to this place and eliminate my limitations was to value him and his opinion of me more than I valued anyone else’s. This was a challenge because he was not right there in front of my physical eyes or anyone else’s physical eyes. And other people were right there. He was unseen. They were seen. He was walking with me unseen through the corridors of the hotel. He was invisibly there in the elevator and at dinner. I knew I wasn’t alone. But no one else knew it. His very presence communicated how much he valued me. He appreciated me, accepted me, and edited me. But everyone else could not see my value to him. I began to wonder why I would care what they were thinking of me. Did I value their opinions, edits, acceptance, and admiration more than his?

I decided I did not want to care about what random people thought of me. And that was a good start, but it wasn’t enough to break the habit. I had to make a conscious and continuous effort to delete the thoughts. Again, that still wasn’t enough. I had to replace them with Reciprocity Thoughts with the Lord. He taught me that you can’t just shut down the need to be valued altogether. You have to learn how to control it. For that to happen, I had to spend more time studying and writing about who Jesus Christ was. I had to essentially write him into my life as if he were physically there. It wasn’t about painting his portrait (although I have also attempted this with sad results). It was about coming to know how he makes choices, how he differentiates between two ideas, where they are balanced and where they become imbalanced. It was about understanding the way he governs, evaluates, and judges. What exactly is Mercy and how does it work with Justice? How does he love? What is love? And how could I apply all this to parenting and to my relationships with other people? Once I found the answers to these questions, I was judged by them.

What I have discovered was that it all boiled down to faith. How well could I see and hear and understand him with my spiritual senses? Could I trust the things I saw and heard that were only validated by my heart? Could I believe them above what I sensed other people were thinking, saying, and doing?  Making the choice to actually look at him was a sacrifice because his feedback was different than other people’s. That meant that he was asking me to make a choice between his opinion and theirs. He was asking me to become his daughter – a daughter only interested in pleasing her father. It was like this incremental process of slowly being born again.

“…faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true.” ~Alma 32:21

“Jesus answered and said unto him, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God.” ~John 3:3

Deep Comfort

By the time I flew back to Denver, I had been deeply comforted. The cloud of mourning darkness had lifted, and I was ready to get back to work empathizing and mourning with my friends while deleting the Random Reciprocity Thought Processes. Since then, it has been a work in progress similar to the process of eating right. I go through periods of time when I'm better at it than others. But amazing times have followed! To incrementally learn about Jesus Christ like this has created the most intense feelings of Sustainable Joy that I have ever experienced. 

My Epiphany

In the Spring of 2009, I was working on a writing project. I had been working on it for 3 years and it was crazy that I hadn’t yet been able to finish it. It was like being in a single college course and working on a single paper that I could not seem to complete even after 3 years. Yet, I would not give up on it.

It had been a very intense project. I had been consistently praying about it and receiving guidance since 2006. I was writing about the atonement of Jesus Christ and how that related to the central structure of story. I had taken a deep dive into the scriptures and had worked to develop my communication relationship with the Lord because it brought up a lot of questions in my mind. I was writing down his answers but was expected to organize and summarize what he was teaching me into something coherent.

It was evidently my weaknesses that were holding me back from being able to do that.  I came to the point where I felt like I needed to directly ask for help to break through whatever was holding me back. I needed to know why it was taking me forever to finish. What was I missing? Where did I need to grow or change in order to finish it?

I had read somewhere that setting a date was a critical part of the goal achievement process. After considering it for a time, I decided that maybe that was the missing piece. I needed to set a date, do my part, and leave the rest up to the Lord. 

My birthday was coming up in a month, so I decided to make that the due date. I prayed for God’s help and felt his confirmation that he would. I put my trust in him and over the next month, after taking care of my home and family, spent the rest of my time on the project. 

My birthday came. Despite hours of work, I still hadn’t come anywhere close to finishing it. But I held out hope that some kind of epiphany would come. The day was filled with the normal motherhood tasks. Additionally, my daughter had to go to a dress rehearsal for her upcoming dance recital and we were there for hours. The environment was distracting. I couldn’t write. My mind was tied up in knots. By the end of the night, I realized there would not be an epiphany and I wasn’t going to finish the project.

I was pretty upset. I cried. This was a failure. I knew I had not been negligent in doing my part both in my duties as a mother and as a writer. I went to bed still tied in knots and feeling a reaction of rebellion in my heart in response to the rejection I felt from the Lord.

Over the past three years I had developed a relationship with Him as I was studying his life and Atonement, which had brought me more joy than anything I had ever experienced. While I studied his life, he started “studying” mine in return. He spent a lot of time on me, answering my questions, retraining me, listening to me, and helping me overcome a lot of imbalanced behaviors. I could not choose to be angry with him, yet He knew that I had to deal with my pain. 

Normally, in a conflict I would allow myself to become angry with the other person whether it was someone in my community, my parents, a sibling, my husband, or a child. But He had trained me to bring this kind of conflict to him in prayer and we would deal with it together instead of my reacting to it and making the conflict worse. We had developed this pattern where I would come to him and get all my emotions off my chest. He would listen and empathize. I could actually feel this happening and hear his comforting counsel. It was always what I needed to hear. Once I felt better, I would ask him how I could have handled the situation better and we would walk through it. The next time the same kind of conflict came up, I was better prepared to handle it in a more balanced way. 

But this time, he was the person who was hurting me. 

The next day, I wrestled with my emotions. I was confused and on the edge of anger. I could sense him following me around as I cleaned the house, asking me what I was going to do about this. I couldn’t answer. I couldn’t let go of the anger, but neither could I hold it against him. Letting go was basically saying, “It’s okay that you’re hurting me.” And it wasn’t okay. But holding it against him was sacrificing the relationship we had developed. I knew he was a perfect God and if anyone was out of balance, it was me. But that twisted me up even more.

It was in the afternoon that day that I decided what was most important to me.

There are a million songs that sing about love conquering all. I felt it was literally impossible to forgive the pain. It was like giving up my life, but because of my love for Him I had no other choice. He had changed me from the person I used to be and saved me from all the bitter consequences I used to live in. He had helped me to love again. He had made me sweet where I used to be bitter. I was able to love my kids and myself only because of Him. I could not and would not give up this relationship. I had to let the pain happen without retaliating. So I did. I free-fell backwards. I just let it hurt. I submitted. I forgave. I repented. And in doing this, I was a strong-willed child again, but this time for the sake of love, I used that will to voluntarily accept the pain.

There is this song called “Waterloo” by Abba. You can listen to my aerobics instructor version here: Waterloo. The lyrics go like this:

At Waterloo Napoleon did surrender

And I have met my destiny in quite a similar way

The history book on the shelf

Is always repeating itself

Waterloo, I was defeated, you won the war

Waterloo, promise to love you forever more

Waterloo, couldn’t escape if I wanted to

Waterloo, knowing my fate is to be with you

Waterloo, finally facing my Waterloo

I tried to hold you back, but you were stronger

And now it seems my only chance is giving up the fight

And how could I ever refuse

I feel like I win when I lose

It turns out I did have an epiphany that year for my birthday.

My Financial Advisor

I was a junior in high school and my Grandma said she would pay for my college if I did the work to get accepted by a university.  Not long after I understood this, my grades jumped from Bs and Cs to As and Bs. Still, I got into Brigham Young University by the skin of my teeth. Once in, my grandma basically gave me a scholarship that paid for my tuition, books, housing, and food. This was a total privilege and the beginning of my freedom from years of having very little money. 

Just before my junior year of college, I went home for a visit. During that visit, I went car shopping with my friends. Before this shopping trip I had never fathomed purchasing my own car. But my friends were doing it, so why couldn’t I? I test-drove a few cars and imagined myself the owner. My car payments could be as low as $150 to $200 a month. At school, I had to take the bus everywhere or rely on roommates who had cars. To have my own would be awesome! It would increase my independence, which I was all about during those days. 

I happened to mention this to my grandma one day when I was visiting her. I was surprised at her response. She was very clear that if I purchased a car, she would no longer support me. I couldn’t believe it. This created a major conflict inside me. I wanted to do what I wanted to do. I had too much respect for her to argue with her, but inside I was writhing. Privately, I decided that I would buy my own car and support myself at school. I didn’t like people standing in the way of what I REALLY wanted. I was bound and determined to get a job when I went back to school. 

And so, back in Provo, Utah, one morning in the beginning of the Fall semester 1989, I had a dream. It was during that time between wake and sleep. I received the clear direction not to buy a car. I had the impression that I needed to humble myself and accept my grandmother’s will. She was paying for my college. This was a major privilege. I needed to realize that and submit myself to her conditions. Now, that is a no brainer for me. But back then all my brain cells hadn’t fully developed in my frontal lobe. 

In that state between wake and sleep all my pride and willfulness was down. When I woke up, I consciously knew that the Lord was directing me in this financial decision. Because I respected him so much, and he had earned my trust throughout my growing up years, I listened. I knew he had my back. I knew that he wanted to guide me along the best pathway. When he spoke to me, it was my pleasure (literally) to listen.

I treasured this experience, not just in hindsight, but that very day. As a result of listening to this and his other counsel, I graduated from college in the Spring 1992.

Fast forward 7 years to 1999. I was now married and had 3 kids. We were living in Westminster, Colorado. I was expecting Laura – our 4th child. This was too many kids for our Toyota Corolla. We needed a family car for everyone to fit. We had gone car shopping for a dark blue Toyota Sienna, their latest and greatest minivan. The van was expensive, but we figured we could make the payments. We actually signed all the papers at the dealership. They didn’t have the van on the lot, so they had to order it in. When we asked, the dealer said that we had some time to cancel it if we had second thoughts.

The next morning in that space between wake and sleep, I was counseled not to buy the minivan. I woke up and told my husband. He accepted the counsel and we canceled the deal. Not long after, we found a used Nissan Quest minivan for quite a bit less. In time, I realized that the Toyota wasn’t the best choice financially and the Lord had cared enough to help with that.

Again, I treasured this experience. There have been many times that I have received financial counsel from Him over the years. Subsequently, my family has always been taken care of. There have been tight times – times when we were very restricted in our spending and times when we lost lots of money in investments, but we have always had what we needed and have come through.

In 2006, we were living in Aurora, Colorado. We had our 4 kids and a few cats and lived on a couple of acres. I had a dream. I was at a bank teller. It was the Bank of America in San Jose, CA in the shopping center on the corner of Snell and Blossom Hill Road for those of you from my hometown. The teller was broken and lots of money was coming out of it. I got out of the car with a box and loaded the money into it. Other people were there doing the same. After I filled my box, I got back in the car and knew that I had scored a million dollars. I was so excited. I was thinking of all the ways we could spend it – paying off bills, loans, etc. 

But then I suddenly remembered that this was dishonest. I couldn’t take the bank’s money like that. At that realization I couldn’t seem to muster up the strength in me to do the right thing. I was experiencing an internal conflict. How could I possibly let a million dollars go? It was so much money and I had been thinking that it was mine fair and square. 

Then, just as suddenly I remembered that if I made the honest choice, I would have the Lord’s promise – the privilege of his guidance and riches that only come by being true to his way of doing things. Honesty. Integrity. I realized that the million dollars paled in comparison. It wasn’t worth it. We may have enjoyed the money for a while, but eventually it would come to an end and I would have traded something much more valuable for a mess of pottage (Genesis 25:29-34). I knew that what the Lord had to offer was everlasting spiritual and temporal support. I would be better off in the long run, even financially, if I took this money into the bank. And that’s what I did.

I Was on a 500-mile Bike Trip to Disneyland and Had Lost my Money

When I was 16 years old, I went on a 10-day bike trip from San Jose, CA to Disneyland in Southern California with a group of young men, young women, and adult leaders from our church. For a total of 500 miles, we journeyed in increments of 25-70+ miles a day on our bicycles (not motorcycles). I still think this was pretty incredible of an adventure to have gone on.

When we camped near Hearst Castle in San Simeon, I spent a little money at the store there. That’s the last time I remember having it. When I went to look for it later, I couldn’t find it anywhere. 

I was stressed. At this time in my life I didn’t have a lot of money. Neither did my mom. She had given me a little spending money for the trip and I had spent it carefully knowing that was all I had.

That night at the camp ground in San Simeon, I zipped myself into my sleeping bag and prayed for help to find the money. The next day, we had a very long and hot ride to San Luis Obispo. I still hadn’t found it. 

We stayed there for Sunday and went to church in town. On Monday, we rode to El Capitan State Beach. Before I went to bed that night, I asked again. Everyday we got closer to Disneyland. The money was all I had to spend when we got there, so I was seriously bummed that I might never find it. Still I held out some hope in my prayers.

The next morning, during that time between sleeping and waking, I had a dream. I saw a pair of my shorts and me putting the money in the pocket. 

When I woke up, I fished around in my duffle bag for the shorts. When I found them, I checked the pocket. I felt a small wad of bills and breathed a sigh of relief. Relief. Rejoicing relief. And gratitude. I was so grateful for the recovery of my money, but there was also something else. A kind of magical feeling. A tingling inside me. I knew that God was aware of me and that I was connecting with him.

Fasting for Joy

I wrote this back in 2000 for the Friend magazine. I don't think they ever published it. I revised it a little to share it here. It's a true story from my life about fasting and praying for something I really wanted when I was 11 years old: I wanted my kitten to live.

“No Mom!”  I pleaded, “Joy’s gonna get better!”  I fought back the tears. 

“Gretchen, she needs to see a veterinarian to get better, and that costs money. Unless it’s under twenty dollars, we can’t afford to pay for it.”

I knew this was true.  Since my parents’ divorce, I had seen my mom come home every evening exhausted from work.  The bills were pilling up on the kitchen table and my mom often had a worried look on her face.

“What if I can find a veterinarian that only costs twenty dollars?”  I asked, hopefully.

“Well,” my mom said, “I suppose that would be all right.  But honey, I doubt there is a clinic that would take care of her for so little.”

Despite my mom’s caution, the gears in my mind began to work, formulating a plan to save my kitten.  I felt my mom’s eyes on me.

“Gretchen, you need to understand that animals don’t always get better. Sometimes there isn’t anything even a veterinarian can do. The vet may have to put her to sleep. That’s often the most humane thing to do for an animal who is suffering.”

I pursed my lips and wrinkled my brow. My heart hurt for my cat. I remembered Pumpkin, the tiny kitten that had died in my hands the summer before. It had been the worst thing in the world for me and I had cried for days. I shook my head. “No!  I’ll find a way.  There has to be a way to save her.”

A few weeks before, I had found my 3-month-old kitten, Joy, under the house.  Her hind legs were paralyzed. No one knew what had happened. With the use of only her front legs, she could barely drag herself around the house. I had kept her in my room, cleaned up after her, fed her, cared for her. Sacrificing for my cat like this created a deep sense of compassion and love for her that I hadn’t yet had for other people thus far in my eleven years of life. I was fully invested in her recovery. I had done everything I could to help her get better and she wasn’t improving. When my mom told me she might have to be put to sleep, I was desperate for help.

That night, I prayed to Heavenly Father, Please help me find a veterinarian clinic that will fix my cat.

I curled up next to the small, warm, fury bundle in my bed, thinking about how badly I wanted Heavenly Father’s help.  Joy’s soft purring motor relaxed me and I snuggled her closer. I remembered learning at church that fasting for something that you’re praying for shows Heavenly Father how sincere you are about it and calls down special help from Heaven. I decided that tomorrow I would fast for Joy to be healed.

The next day I woke up with Joy curled up by my legs and immediately remembered what I had decided to do. Recalling that I was supposed to begin my fast with a prayer, I knelt on my bed and told Heavenly Father that I was going to fast for Joy to be healed and that I needed his help to find a veterinarian that would fix her and wouldn’t charge us that much money.

After getting ready and feeding Joy and the rest of the cats, I walked to school. In the cool morning air, I felt happy and excited that somehow Joy was going to get better. 

But by lunchtime, I was feeling hungry. In the cafeteria, everyone else was eating pizza, sandwiches, apples, and potato chips. I fought against the desire to eat and remembered my kitten. I told myself that it was only for today. I could do that.

I walked home after school with my friend, Lisa. I told her what I was doing and invited her to come help me call veterinarian clinics to find one that might help me. 

Sitting down at the kitchen table with the phone book, we called a number of clinics listed in our area. All of them were too expensive. One clinic suggested we call the Humane Society but when we did, they couldn’t help either. 

I hung up the phone. I had it in my hand as I was searching in the directory for the next clinic to call. I heard a voice coming from the receiver and held it up to my ear and said, “Hello?”

“The Cat Hospital, can I help you?” a voice said.  

There was a moment of confusion. I hadn’t dialed the number. How did I get connected to the Cat Hospital?  I told her my story: “Um…yeah, I have a kitten and her back legs are paralyzed. We don’t know what happened to her. We found her under the house like that. She goes to the bathroom all over the place and she can only drag around on her front paws. My mom says we can only afford twenty dollars to fix her. Can you take care of her for that much?”  

The woman on the other end of the line said, “I see.”  There was a pause. “Yes, we can take care of her.”

Shocked, I asked, “You can?  You can fix her for only twenty dollars?” 

“Yes, we can," she reassured me. "Can you bring her in today?”

“Today?  Yeah!  I mean, I’ll ask my mom. Thank you! Thank you so much!” 

After getting the address and phone number, I hung up. I jumped up and down with Lisa in total happiness. Then, I ran upstairs to my bedroom where Joy was sleeping. I picked her up and squished her gently to me. It worked, I thought. It really worked. Joy was going to get better. 

Somewhere in this story it dawned upon me that God was communicating with me. He was hearing me, was satisfied with my fast, and was answering my prayer.

We brought Joy to the Cat Hospital.  The veterinarian discovered a blood clot in her spinal column. It was a condition called Thromboembolism or Saddle Thrombus. 

Receiving daily treatments of medicine, Joy stayed at the clinic for more than two months and still the final charge was only twenty dollars. 

I still remember the day when we brought her home. She could walk again! She always had a slight skip but other than that she grew normally. She had no other health problems and later, as an adult cat, she even had her own litter of kittens. 

I Was Having Nightmares and They Scared Me

When I was a little girl, maybe five or six years old, I often had nightmares. They scared me. They were about bad people intending to hurt me or other people. A reoccurring dream was that there was a bad man climbing through my bedroom window. When I woke up in the middle of the night after having one of these dreams, I lay awake listening for a creeping in the house, too afraid to get out of bed and go to my parents for comfort. Because of this, I had a difficult time getting to sleep each night.

This problem continued throughout my childhood until one night, my mom taught me how to pray. She said I could ask Heavenly Father to help stop the bad dreams. Before this, I had participated in family prayers, prayers at meal time, and prayers at church, but I hadn’t learned to pray to Him personally. 

So that night, I said a very simple prayer and asked, Please don’t let me have any bad dreams. I lay back down on my pillow and felt safe. Safe.

The bad dreams decreased. They went from being very frequent to occasional. If I ever woke up in the middle of the night, I would whisper to Him, asking Him to protect me and help me to sleep. My fear would decrease and I would fall back to sleep. The problem never escalated into anything serious.

I remember this so well because from that night on, throughout my childhood, teen, and even young adult years, I said the same prayer. I added more to it as I encountered more things that were outside of my control. There were things that I wanted and conflicts that I couldn’t solve. When I prayed for them, He would help. Being young in experience and endurance, I didn’t always recognize when He answered or that He had actually answered. The way He answered was often so gradual that I wasn’t aware enough to notice. 

When I got older, I started to pay more attention to this asking/answering relationship. The more I recognized the patterns in our communication, the stronger my faith grew.

Living Water

This post is the sequel to the following posts:

What's Your Problem?

The Parable of the Broken Sprinkler

One of the physical concepts Jesus used as a metaphor to describe the value of developing our relationship with him was our continuous need for living water in order to sustain our life. Our Savior said to a Samaritan woman at a well,

“If thou knewest the gift of God, and who it is that saith to thee, Give me to drink; thou wouldest have asked of him, and he would have given thee living water.”

She responded, “Sir, thou hast nothing to draw with, and the well is deep: from whence then hast thou that living water?” ~John 4:10-11

The following video reenacts this conversation:



What is the living water Christ was talking about? And is it really as valuable as water is to our body and to the earth?



Elder Jeffrey R. Holland talks about relationship between the vine, its branches, and its fruit as a metaphor to our relationship with the Savior in the following video:



If we have spiritual wasp nests within our Personal Framework that are cutting us off from His water supply (his vine), we aren’t going to be receiving that peace in adequate amounts. We are going to feel dry, parched, and like we’re not getting enough no matter how hard we are working.

Understanding the Metaphor
Water for my lawn = Living Water that the Savior has available in satisfying abundance for us

Sprinkler System = Our Personal Framework of ideas, theories, beliefs that usually include truths, partial truths, and falsehoods

Wasp Nest in the Irrigation Valve Box = Biofilms in our Organ Systems = partial truths and falsehoods = random disorders that disconnect true understanding, beliefs, and practices

This next video continues explaining what Spiritual Wasp Nests are and how they prevent us from receiving adequate amounts of our Savior's Living Water.



In the next blog post, we'll talk about how Toxic Shame and Toxic Blame can be some of those Pathogenic Microbes in a spiritual biofilm or wasp nest that prevent the standard resolution processes from healing our relationship problems with God and others.

The Parable of the Broken Sprinkler

I did this blog post on a video and had a lot of fun making it. This is the sequel to the last post, "What's Your Problem?".

I Hope You Dance

For the past eleven years I’ve been studying Jesus Christ almost as if it were my full time job. It hasn’t been so focused on memorizing trivial details or figuring out the exact timeline of the events of his life. Neither has it been focused on proving that the Gospels sync up or other arguable facts. It’s been more about trying to figure out his character. I’ve wanted to know who it is that I say I worship. And I’ve wanted to know why and how he did the things he did.

It’s been an amazing journey. The more I study him, the more I get him. I should say, the more He has allowed me to understand him. One of my favorite songs that I sing a lot in reference to how I feel about our Redeemer is “Nothing Compares 2U.”   But I have found that I’ve been wrong about no one else comparing.  Most do not but there are some who have some of his qualities and characteristics, thankfully!

Christ-like Characteristics
One of the side effects from my studies that I hadn't anticipated was that I notice his characteristics in other people, especially men. And when I do, something happens to my heart. It is involuntary. Observing people is voluntary but when I see a quality of Christ in them (which I confess is what I’m looking for), the rest is involuntary. I admire them. It pours out of my heart. Sometimes it’s more intense than others. I can’t help it.  I don’t have expectations of any return admiration or love. In fact I prefer to quietly honor them and just figuratively shake my head and say in my head, “Wow!  So amazingly beautiful!” It’s something I can’t really go up and tell them about because it is so powerful and, I believe, sacred. My hope is that it is somehow communicated to them spiritually and anonymously. At least that is what I pray for.

Sometimes I find the opportunity to communicate my opinion to them in an appropriate way. I do this because I know it’s hard to develop His characteristics. I want them to know they are definitely being noticed and are making a difference.  Yet, I know they are not being that way to get noticed.  “That’s what makes you beautiful!” If they were, it would kind of defeat the whole purpose. If I saw they were doing it just to 'be seen of men', my heart wouldn’t do anything. I admire when they use their strengths to help others because they sincerely care as Christ does for them. What my heart does is a confirmation, a validation. And I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one whose heart behaves in this way. 

It works like this: If they really are what I think they are then they will feel what I and others feel for them. If they are not, then my projected admiration passes them by and goes directly to our Savior.

“Take heed that ye do not your alms before men, to be seen of them: otherwise ye have no reward of your Father which is in heaven. Therefore when thou doest thine alms, do not sound a trumpet before thee, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may have glory of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward. But when thou doest alms, let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth: That thine alms may be in secret: and thy Father which seeth in secret himself shall reward thee openly.” ~Matthew 6:1-4

“But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only” ~James 1:22

Chris (rt) returning home, Aaron (lft) already returned, Matthew mission in progress now

RMs
I’m finding that one group of people my heart is especially susceptible to is return missionaries. More often than not my heart does what it does when I observe one of them. When my own sons (the two oldest) came home from their missions, I was so impressed with them. They became men out there. And by that I mean men of God. Men of Christ.

“…arise from the dust, my sons, and be men” ~2 Nephi 1:21

"Our missionaries serving throughout the world are beautiful examples of those who are truly ambitious for Christ." ~Elder Kazuhiko Yamashita, "Be Ambitious for Christ"

There is something about a young man who sacrifices two years of his life to serve the Lord and help others. They have His image in their countenance. It’s this look in their eyes that is confident (not prideful!) and humble (not shameful!) at the same time. Their focus is outward on others, not on themselves, yet they are also open to receiving the blessings others have to offer.

“Have ye received his image in your countenances?” ~Alma 5:14



David Archuleta is a prime example of the type of young man I'm talking about. He had established a lucrative musical career at a young age but he decided to put that on hold while he served a mission. I've watched a few videos of him on his mission and since he's returned. He has continued to use his talent to bless others but somehow he has avoided being corrupted by the pride of the world.  That in itself is one of the most beautiful feats I have ever seen.

Steadfastness
I believe the cause of Christ's image being in the countenance of these young men is because of their sacrifice. They spend these two years forgetting their life, serving the Lord, and loving the people. They endure a lot of rejection and disappointment but line upon line, they learn how to stay steadfast in Christ and love through it all. When they sacrifice like that they become beautiful. They can't help it.  

For our Savior, it didn’t matter what the scribes and Pharisees said or did to him. He just kept doing what his Father instructed him to do. This is one of my favorite qualities in him. One example of this is healing on the Sabbath. That act made the Jewish leadership very angry because they had created many detailed encumbering rules about keeping the Sabbath day holy which conflicted with God's laws. But he just kept doing it. 

Another example of standing steadfast is his common association with publicans and sinners, which the Jewish leadership didn’t like much either. They stayed away from such people and prided themselves on their self-exalted status. But our Savior continued his association with them anyway. It caused the higher ranking groups of his society to reject him, persecute him, and want to eliminate him. But he kept walking the pathway his Father laid out for him.

“Therefore, I would that ye should be steadfast and immovable, always abounding in good works, that Christ, the Lord God Omnipotent, may seal you his…” ~Mosiah 5:15

I Hope You Dance
My hope for my own sons and all of these other men of Christ who are getting home from their missions is that they won’t let that fire die out. I don’t want them to grow old and fat and boring and become spiritual dull slugs (#King Noah).

“Make the heart of this people fat, and make their ears heavy, and shut their eyes; lest they see with their eyes, and hear with their ears, and understand with their heart, and convert, and be healed.” ~Isaiah 6:10

This past week I've been listening to this song called, “I Hope You Dance” by LeeAnn Womack. That song pretty much sums up my hope for these boys/men (man-cubs).  And I spin the lyrics “I hope you dance” to mean:  I hope you will continue sacrificing, growing, and becoming more like Christ over time so that you can continue being the best thing ever for your (future) wives, children, and your communities.  I hope you don’t involve yourself in anything that will stunt your growth. I hope you see repentance as a gift and an opportunity, not an accusation.  I hope you will keep your balance in confidence and humility and always work to stay away from pride and envy. I hope you will maintain your allegiance to Christ when the going gets tough or when the going gets pretty boring, instead of turning to other things that could enslave you in the end. I hope you never lose sight of your mission goals even though you have to be concerned with making a living now and other temporal things. My prayers and my heart are with you. Stay beautiful!

Jesus Christ: Behold the Man!

by Liz Lemon Swindle

Well, I saved HIM for last (see Behold the Man!).  And it’s because he IS the King of all the rest.  What my heart does when I read about him, when I feel his presence, when I contemplate what he has done for me in my life—the personal application of what was done on the cross—is completely indescribable!!  I mean, I can describe it as I did with Joseph Smith and Elder Bednar; the feelings are similar.  But the capacity to receive these feeling steadily increased the more I spent time studying the life and mission of our Savior Jesus Christ.  Since I spend a much greater amount of time evaluating him than I do any other man, he basically owns my heart.

Listen

In the Father’s kingdom, Jesus Christ is the King of kings.  He knows how to create the human body and the earth so he would be a master physicist, geologist, meteorologist, biologist, doctor, etc.  But with all of this strength, talent, ability, there’s one thing that makes him different from all the top dogs of the world:  He is completely balanced in Paradoxical living.  That means that as a Cause he uses his strengths to serve others, lift them, balance them, heal them, rekindle the life in them, and teach them how to keep that life in them.  He doesn’t have one wit of pride but he is perfectly confident.  He doesn’t have one degree of envy but he is perfectly meek and humble.

Listen:  "This is the Christ" Elder James E. Faust

While on the earth he walked in steadfastness, doing all the things his Father commanded him to do.  When people disrespected him for it, he just kept on walking.  When people separated from him because of what he was or what he taught, he just kept on walking.  But not with a grudge on his shoulder.  He walked with purpose, with real love, and with empathy.

Listen: "You're Not Alone" by Red

He is merciful to those that do wrong but AT THE SAME TIME he feels every ounce of the injustice done to those they have injured.  He absorbs the demands of justice into himself, which is no easy task, and allows for each of us wrong-doers to be given MORE TIME to get our acts together.  Incremental Justice instead of total condemnation-right-now.  The conflict, the pull from both sides, the ability to balance himself between both the sinner and the injured is incredible!

The Mediator (select to see a youtube video)

He’s God.  But he’s also a man.  Steadfast, immovable, Summarized.  Yet he chooses to balance that with grace, flexibility, Expansion.  His voice is like no other!  The depth is...sigh.  And as a man he loves women.  He respects them, values them, and takes care of them.  In his time it was not socially accepted for a man to treat a woman with the same respect he would a man.  Jesus just walked right past that sign and talked to whichever woman he wanted to and to whomever followed him in faith.  He valued their gifts and contributions to him regardless of the snubs and verbal abuse he received from the ruling class.

  

He’s serious yet anyone who has felt his presence can sense his humorous side.  He knows what sacred things a man should never joke about.

The Jewish leaders in the world Jesus was born into didn’t value these qualities.  Didn’t see them as characteristics of a King.  And so when he came, it was his mission to be born in an obscure little village in a stable.  When the Wise Men came, I'm sure they couldn’t believe nobody knew about his birth! 

He was raised in a small village with a population of maybe 400.  He grew up just a regular boy with a basic religious education.  He was trained by Joseph, his step father, to be a carpenter. 

Pharisees

Not until he was 30 years old did he begin his official mission as recorded in the four Gospels.  At that time the leaders of the communities were from elitist families.  They were educated in elite schools, taught the Jewish traditions and law from an early age.  As they ascended the ladder of succes they dressed in robes decked out with ornaments that told a story of their personal achievements and status.  These men—the Pharisees, the scribes, the Sadducees, and the priests—were the Jewish leaders of Jesus’ day.  So when our Savior came on the scene with no formal training and had only his person, his teachings, the scriptures, and his miracles to recommend him, these men were aggressively offensive.  But that was the game plan.  Jesus never wanted to be believed in because others hyped him.  He didn’t want the people to follow him because everyone else was doing it.  He didn’t want it to be about a title, certifications or degrees.  He wanted the people to hear his word and determine for themselves how they would respond to it (Listen and Liken:  "Two Princes" by Spin Doctors). 

Anyone and everyone that came to him in faith, he healed.  He even spent his time searching for those who needed to be healed.  I can imagine it was exhausting (Mark 5:25-31 and Mark 4:38).  He was also a man.

Through these miracles and others he demonstrated that life was in him.  The people could trust him and therefore trust his words—the commandments he gave them.  He was basically saying, “If a person can heal you physically, he can also heal you spiritually if you will implement his words in your life.” (See Mark 2:9)

I think of him dealing with the scribes and Pharisees who used their knowledge and experience to think of ways of tricking their supposed competitor into contradicting himself in front of the people.  And to what purpose?  So they could remain king of the hill.  Throughout his entire ministry they threw curve balls at him in effort to strike him out.  But they had no idea what a heavy hitter he was!

I think of him looking at them and their intentions.  I wonder what he’s going to say.  And then when he says it and I study it to figure out why he said it, I realize he completely knocked the ball out of the park.  I could watch this sport ALL DAY!  I can’t even begin to describe my admiration.  It is complete worship.  And he keeps doing it.  Everything that comes out of his mouth.  Everything he does.  I stand all amazed.  Literally.  And the thing is that he just is that way.  There is no pretense.  And he uses it for the well-being of his people not to puff himself up.  He has faith that if he obeys the commandments of his Father, his needs will be taken care of.  Maybe he’ll have to wait and if that’s the case, he waits.  But he doesn’t lose his focus.  He remains steadfast, determined, unchangeable, resolute, decisive, and absolutely beautiful (Listen:  "Primary Song Medley").

Matthew 6:21

A number of years ago when I started studying him in greater depth than I had before, I realized what a true reward was.  It would be hanging out with him.  The treat it would be to talk with him, interact with him, hear his voice—the depth, and watch him interacting with others would be the ultimate of all rewards.  Forget mansions and deluxe vacations.  Next to him all the riches of the earth pale in comparison.  And so really that's what I'm trying to do now--interact with him.  Why wait? (Listen and Liken:  "Afterlife" by Switchfoot)

Listen and Liken:  "Son of Man" by Phil Collins

Seeing him like this made me realize what the potential of a man was.  A man can literally become like Christ through his atonement.  I think that is what has happened with Martin Luther, Alma, Joseph Smith, and Elder Bednar.  I know it does take work but I don’t think it’s like building the Tower of Babel to make a name for oneself.  I think the main thing is for them to choose him as their Cause and then remain allegiant to him.  And I think that’s really what the priesthood is all about (Listen:  "Dear to the Heart of the Shepherd"). And I think all you ladies would agree with me when I say, these kinds of men are HOT!

Read and Liken:  3 Nephi 24

Listen:  "Emmanuel" by Amy Grant