Controlling The Way I Feel

Back in 2006-2009, one of my predominant desires was to get in control of the way that I felt if that were at all possible. I knew that if I could figure out how to do that, it would help with all of my relationships. 

During the previous years - 1994-2005, I had been experiencing more long-term episodes of anxiety and depression. And my anxiety seemed to predominantly manifest itself as anger. 

As I mentioned in previous posts, the first thing the Lord instructed me to do to achieve this goal was to find the balance in my eating and exercising. While this process began in 2000, it became even more important to me in 2006-2009. 

Internal and external guidance

I don’t remember him telling me to trade the sugar and refined grains in for more fruits, vegetables, whole grains, healthy fats, and proteins. I just felt it. The more I sensed his presence in my life, the more sensitive I became to the things that prevented me from sensing it. I learned by trial and error that when I ate empty calorie foods my heart became number to his Spirit.

However, it is true that many years prior to this time in my life, I was instructed to eat and exercise in accordance with my religion’s code of health. In a special blessing I received when I was around sixteen years old, I was promised that if I did that, I wouldn’t suffer from health problems or injury but would be given opportunities to progress. I have this blessing recorded and was reading it fairly often during 2006-2009. So, I think it was always on my mind that balancing my physical processes was key to achieving my other goals.

The science behind eating and happiness

Here is some science behind how food can affect the way we feel. It’s from a post called “Understanding the Science of Eating and Happiness” by Julia Sweeney.

What we’re putting into our bodies has a profound, holistic impact on our emotions.

David A. Kessler, author of The End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite and former head of the FDA, has a name for these calorie-rich, easily digestible foods: They’re hyperpalatable, meaning that they not only go down easy, but they’re engineered to make you want to eat more by triggering a powerful reward conditioning stimulus.

If this sounds like addiction, it is—researchers have found chemical similarities (and similar brain activity) between overeating and other addictive behaviors (doing drugs, gambling, drinking). In an interview with The New Yorker, Dr. Kessler remarked, ‘Conditioned hypereating works the same way as other ‘stimulus response’ disorders in which reward is involved, such as compulsive gambling and substance abuse.’

Here’s the ultimate irony: By seeking these pleasure foods, we’re actually not getting happier. Studies illustrate that women who eat diets rich in “Western” foods—namely “processed or fried foods, refined grains, sugary products, and beer”—are more likely to be depressed than their healthier-eating counterparts.

My own experience validates the science

This was what I found to be true in my own experiences with food. So, it is no surprise that in the first part of my training, the Lord instructed me to “break up” with my relationship with hyperpalatable foods in order to develop a closer relationship with him. Addiction to substances that make us feel good in the moment but paradoxically end in depression is a type of bondage. And he is all about delivering us from these kinds of relationships. 

The reason I liked to eat hyperpalatable foods was that I was turning to them for peace. It was a habit. I was definitely addicted. I learned that I needed to turn to him for my source of peace. As long as I was holding onto food as a crutch, he would not be able to leverage my motivation to help me change some of my other Imbalanced ways of resolving conflicts in my relationships with others.

Breaking up with hyperpalatable foods was really hard for me. But it also brought me the greatest sense of confidence and self-worth. I was thankful for the opportunity to sacrifice because it was a way for me to express how much I preferred his peace to the pseudo peace hyperpalatable foods offered. Through my actions, I was communicating a deeper semantic meaning: I will make room for you in my life.

Spiritual eating - reading, watching, listening

Similarly, I began to experience warnings about what I spiritually consumed – what I read, watched, and listened to. I had already developed an intense sensitivity to books, movies, and music that had inappropriate sexual content and references. But I also became aware that there were other things that were just wasting my time and the Lord’s time. I remember watching a movie with my kids that turned out to be extremely silly. It was so stupid that I felt like spiritually puking. 

How I spent my time was also being edited. I couldn’t just do anything and feel happy and complete. I needed to prayerfully consider the commitments I got myself into and my daily plans. This training in tightening up my self-control and daily habits happened incrementally over these years.

Rules & boundaries bring purpose & self-respect

This might seem like too many rules and boundaries for a lot of people. But for me, it was exactly what I needed and wanted. I needed to belong somewhere. I needed purpose and self-respect. And I had told Heavenly Father in prayer that I wanted to come to know Jesus Christ better. I told him I wanted to gain control over the way that I felt. And I wanted to be of service to him in whatever way he needed me. 

Because I expressed those desires to him, he began to show me the pathway I needed to take in order to obtain them. There is an inherent process to obtain every desire. There are many things about that process that I have been able to choose according to my preferences. But there are other things that I cannot choose. I need to get myself in alignment with them.

Learning about the laws and boundaries he set for me delighted me. Having expectations of me meant that he cared about me and valued me. I loved the challenge they presented. By 2009, I had gained much more control over how I felt. I understood the mechanisms that affected my emotions and how to work through them. This didn’t mean that I was never hurt or upset. Trials and adversity from my various relationships continued to pour down upon me. It was that I now had the tools to troubleshoot the issues when they arose. Some were tougher to resolve than others. 

Daily turning to the Lord for my physical and spiritual nourishment instead of turning to hyperpalatable foods (both physical and spiritual) has continued to be the key to controlling my ability to respond to the conflicts that arise in my relationship with others in balance. His personalized nourishment empowers me to view disappointments from a more objective perspective so that I don't feel trapped by things outside of my control. And that empowers me to control my response process even in the face of other people's imbalanced behaviors. When I keep my response process balanced, I maintain control over the way that I feel. I'm not always at the top of my game with these abilities, but in general, I am far ahead of where I used to be. And that has made all the difference in the quality of my life.

Spinning Like a Wobbly Top

The default when we are born into this world is that we all experience the Lord’s Peace continuously. It is given to us in the Northern Threshold and it is incredibly sustaining. We may not even realize we are being supported in this way until we separate ourselves from it by centrifugally spinning outward into NW and NE extremes. His Peace wanes as we increase the width of the arch of our spin. We move centrifugally instead of centripetally – our arrows point outward towards the imbalance instead of inward towards the balance.

"For the word of the Lord is truth, and whatsoever is truth is light, and whatsoever is light is Spirit, even the Spirit of Jesus Christ.

"And the Spirit giveth light to every man that cometh into the world; and the Spirit enlighteneth every man through the world, that hearkeneth to the voice of the Spirit." -D&C 86:45-46

In order to best understand what I'm talking about in this post, you should have previously read these posts:

I Have a Tale to Tell

I Learned My Lesson Well

I Know Where Beauty Lives

It Shines Inside You

The Secrets I Have Learned

Somebody Save Me

In 2006-08, the Lord taught me about these concepts. I learned about the semantic meaning behind the words Peace, Energy, Faith, and Sacrifice. 

Peace

Peace is comfort, spiritual nourishment, and rest. It is when we feel loved, cherished, cared for.

Energy

We experience an outward flow of Energy, which is somewhat painful when we voluntarily sacrifice for others.

Sacrifice

Sacrifice is when you expend effort and forego personal comfort in order to provide Peace for someone else. You parent in Mercy. Mercy is Justice over Time. You give your kids a space and time to learn, make mistakes, and grow. You do not exercise an excessive amount of Justice upon them. But you do train and educate them so they can learn higher-level functional relationship skills over time because God's Justice (the objective reality we all live in) incrementally increases over time.



Faith

We experience Peace when we put our Faith and trust in someone who has the will and capacity to help us bear our burdens – someone who voluntarily sacrifices for us. We hope to be parented in Mercy. We hope to have a space and time to learn, make mistakes, and grow. We submit ourselves to be trained and educated so we can learn higher-level function relationship skills over time.

I capitalize these words in my writing because I was trained to choose one word out of many synonyms to represent a semantic concept. That has been hard because every word adds a different brushstroke of meaning to my visualization of each of the variables.

Voluntary Sacrifice

Learning about these concepts helped me to understand that I needed to be sacrificing for my kids in Mercy. Mercy is just another word for the Northern Threshold. So, learning my role for them was very helpful. Parenting in Mercy is hard. It requires muscle, strength, sacrifice. It is supposed to hurt, but not be overwhelming. When I strive to parent centripetally in the Northern Threshold, I experience both the pain of Sacrifice and the Savior’s Peace, which when balanced is Joy.

It was important for me to understand that there was no other way for me to experience Joy. No one else could give it to me. Not even the Savior. I could experience his Peace, but without my Voluntary Sacrifice, I could not experience Joy. And I craved the Joy. I didn’t want to just sit around a feel comfortable because that actually turns into boredom and depression, which is the Northeast side of the Compass. I will talk about that in my next blog post. In this one, I will focus on the Northwest side.

Northwest Parenting

So, I already was sacrificing for my kids. In the 90s, when I was living in New Jersey and then later in Westminster, Colorado, the sacrifice parenting required of me was at the top of my NW threshold. Too often it escalated into overwhelming.

I’ll compare Sacrifice to running. In order to be a parent at the level I understood that to be, I was continually required to sprint at the top of my zone, and I was hitting my spiritual heart-rate-max too often. And this exhausted me. It made me feel like a total failure. I looked around at other moms “running beside me” that seemed to not be struggling at all. They were in the center of their zones. So, what the heck was wrong with me?

I wanted to keep up. I wanted to be a good mom. I had planned it that way. Why couldn’t I do this?

Even though I was struggling so intensely, I would not leave my post. In looking back, I see myself as Horton the elephant in the Dr. Seuss story, “Horton Hatches the Egg.” I was definitely as stubborn as he was in my commitment to stay home with my kids no matter how difficult the sacrifice.

“I meant what I said, and I said what I meant. An Elephant’s faithful one hundred percent.”

The storms and other sources of adversity that threatened to push me out of my nest were not only coming from external sources, but they were also coming from an intense internal source. I’m saying that my own inabilities over-intensified the way I felt more so than the storm itself. I wasn’t as patient and long-suffering as Horton. My parenting skills needed work. There were many times when my performance was subpar. I needed to be educated, retrained, strengthened, re-loved, re-parented in order to weather these storms more like Horton did. 

His Re-Parenting Process

It helped me immensely when the Lord showed me how to diagram my Processes (Faith and Sacrifice) and Effects (Peace and Energy) using a Compass as a metaphor. It empowered me with the knowledge of what was happening inside of me and how I could control it.

Northwest

He showed me that this is what was happening when I veered off into the Northwest:

Too Little Peace

I experienced hunger, discomfort, and unrest. I could not feel loved, cherished, or cared for. This is where the intense desire to be saved was coming from.

Too Much Sacrifice

I was Sacrificing too much for how little Peace I was receiving (or had received growing up). I didn’t anticipate motherhood being that hard. When conflicts arose, I didn’t know how to resolve them in a functional way – in Balanced Mercy. And this is all relative. I wasn’t completely dysfunctional. The issue was that I wasn’t happy with the level of my functionality. It seemed to sharply conflict with the eternal person that I really was. Thus, the intense battle within me. I needed to increase my ability to voluntarily sacrifice, but I didn’t know how. I needed to learn more Justice over Time = Mercy.

Too Much Pain

There was too much Energy flowing out of me because I was trying to parent my kids in the NW with too much Justice. I experienced too much stress. I was expecting too much of them and myself too soon. I didn’t know how else to do it. This was how I was raised. I mean, I didn’t like the disciplinary methods used upon me when I was a child and knew I should not discipline like that, but I didn’t realize that my expectations of children were one of the products of being raised like that. This was my understanding of Justice and Mercy. I definitely was not able to see that I was even contemplating these concepts at the time. But in hindsight, I could see that I was constantly trying to figure them out. While I would not let the abuse pass down upon my children if I had anything to do with it, I wasn’t yet able to figure out this Justice and Mercy thing. Therefore, I was a wall against the intense internal Justice that I had been raised with. It was continuously trying to force me to pass this onto my children, but I fought it like crazy to stop it. So much internal conflict.

Too Little Faith

This is where my relationship with Jesus Christ came in. I didn’t know that he had my back. I didn’t know how interactive he could be in my life. When it came to the day-to-day motherhood routine and all the little conflicts that arose between me and my kids, I didn’t realize I could trust him. I didn’t know about his Mercy for me. I had heard all of my life about Jesus Christ. I had loved him from a distance. I just didn’t know what his Atoning Sacrifice had to do with me, how it applied to me. And I didn’t know his governing style. So, I had too little faith in him. 

The Northwest side of the Semantic Compass is Fear or Anxiety. The Result was that I was spinning like a wobbly top ready to topple over.

Living Water

This post is the sequel to the following posts:

What's Your Problem?

The Parable of the Broken Sprinkler

One of the physical concepts Jesus used as a metaphor to describe the value of developing our relationship with him was our continuous need for living water in order to sustain our life. Our Savior said to a Samaritan woman at a well,

“If thou knewest the gift of God, and who it is that saith to thee, Give me to drink; thou wouldest have asked of him, and he would have given thee living water.”

She responded, “Sir, thou hast nothing to draw with, and the well is deep: from whence then hast thou that living water?” ~John 4:10-11

The following video reenacts this conversation:



What is the living water Christ was talking about? And is it really as valuable as water is to our body and to the earth?



Elder Jeffrey R. Holland talks about relationship between the vine, its branches, and its fruit as a metaphor to our relationship with the Savior in the following video:



If we have spiritual wasp nests within our Personal Framework that are cutting us off from His water supply (his vine), we aren’t going to be receiving that peace in adequate amounts. We are going to feel dry, parched, and like we’re not getting enough no matter how hard we are working.

Understanding the Metaphor
Water for my lawn = Living Water that the Savior has available in satisfying abundance for us

Sprinkler System = Our Personal Framework of ideas, theories, beliefs that usually include truths, partial truths, and falsehoods

Wasp Nest in the Irrigation Valve Box = Biofilms in our Organ Systems = partial truths and falsehoods = random disorders that disconnect true understanding, beliefs, and practices

This next video continues explaining what Spiritual Wasp Nests are and how they prevent us from receiving adequate amounts of our Savior's Living Water.



In the next blog post, we'll talk about how Toxic Shame and Toxic Blame can be some of those Pathogenic Microbes in a spiritual biofilm or wasp nest that prevent the standard resolution processes from healing our relationship problems with God and others.

The Parable of the Broken Sprinkler

I did this blog post on a video and had a lot of fun making it. This is the sequel to the last post, "What's Your Problem?".

Joseph Smith: Standing Steadfast

I admire Joseph Smith so much that I named my third son after him:  Matthew Joseph Langford.   

Matthew Joseph Langford

My reason for loving this man goes beyond words.  The depth of my feeling for him began to increase when about 16 years ago I read a historical fiction story about him and the early saints of the Mormon church:  The Work and the Glory by Gerald Lund.

Read the book

In this book series I didn’t feel like Joseph Smith was characterized completely accurately—a task that I’m sure is impossible to do—but what was depicted enabled my impression of who he was to take on a life of its own.  I could almost sense his person above and beyond the words on the page.  And I loved him, admired him.  

Listen:  "The Rising" by Jim Westbrook

So much persecution.  So many people against him.  He and his family were seriously injured by angry mobs several times.  And some of his children died because of the mobs and other natural causes.  It couldn’t have been easy for him.  He was misjudged.  People tried to discount him by twisting his words and actions, construing them as evil.  Sounds familiar.  But this is what he said of all that:

“It caused me serious reflection then, and often has since, how very strange it was that an obscure boy, of a little over fourteen years of age, and one, too, who was doomed to the necessity of obtaining a scanty maintenance by his daily labor, should be thought a character of sufficient importance to attract the attention of the great ones of the most popular sects of the day, and in a manner to create in them a spirit of the most bitter persecution and reviling. But strange or not, so it was, and it was often the cause of great sorrow to myself.

Paul, the Road to Damascus

“However, it was nevertheless a fact that I had beheld a vision. I have thought since, that I felt much like Paul, when he made his defense before King Agrippa, and related the account of the vision he had when he saw a light, and heard a voice; but still there were but few who believed him; some said he was dishonest, others said he was mad; and he was ridiculed and reviled. But all this did not destroy the reality of his vision. He had seen a vision, he knew he had, and all the persecution under heaven could not make it otherwise; and though they should persecute him unto death, yet he knew, and would know to his latest breath, that he had both seen a light and heard a voice speaking unto him, and all the world could not make him think or believe otherwise.

“So it was with me. I had actually seen a light, and in the midst of that light I saw two Personages, and they did in reality speak to me; and though I was hated and persecuted for saying that I had seen a vision, yet it was true; and while they were persecuting me, reviling me, and speaking all manner of evil against me falsely for so saying, I was led to say in my heart: Why persecute me for telling the truth? I have actually seen a vision; and who am I that I can withstand God, or why does the world think to make me deny what I have actually seen? For I had seen a vision; I knew it, and I knew that God knew it, and I could not deny it, neither dared I do it; at least I knew that by so doing I would offend God, and come under condemnation.”

(Joseph Smith History 1:23-25)

My feelings for the Joseph Smith later developed to astonishing heights when I saw the movie, “Joseph Smith:  The Prophet of the Restoration.”

When I sat in the theater after seeing this for the first time, I could not get up.  I just sat there under the dim lights as everyone exited.  Wave after wave of soul-piercing energy filled my heart.  I didn’t want to let the emotion out because it was way too powerful and sacred.  I just tried to contain it all inside of me.  It wasn’t like I was just touched.  It was more like the crashing waves of the ocean.  So powerful.  So true.  So utterly sweet.   

Again, even in this account of Joseph Smith, I knew the depiction was not perfect.  What movie or story can capture actuality?  But who he really was came through to me in the interstices—in between the scenes.  And the music certainly didn’t help in the way of controlling my emotions either.  So much admiration!  So much respect for him.

Some people say we worship Joseph Smith.  What I say is I worship Jesus Christ and if a man comes near to being like him, that worship mechanism in my heart activates.  It’s telling me, “This is a man you can trust” (D&C 1:38).

The Closet of Prayer

Matthew 6:6

I had somehow come to believe that my ability to sacrifice (works) was more valuable than my ability to ask for help (faith).  At some point in my subconscious mind I became ashamed of my weaknesses--my need to receive.  But there was no getting around it.  I was weak.  I was in need.  So I entered into my closet, shut the door, and prayed...a lot...and for a long time.  Now I'm coming out.

That word--weakness--is one of those words that most people don't want to be associated with.  No one wants to be weak let alone APPEAR weak.  But this is what I mean when I use the word weakness:

 

My Divine Heritage
These are weaknesses I can’t change and don’t want to.  For example, I’m a woman so I don’t have certain strengths that a man has.  A man is a man so he doesn’t have certain strengths that a woman has.  These things I don’t want to change.  We will forever need each other and there's nothing I am more grateful for than that (1Corinthians11:11).

 My Hard Ground
These are weaknesses that can’t be changed in this life.  Disabilities, chronic injuries or diseases, inevitable physical degeneration of the body, my nose

"Overnight"

My Responsibility
These are weaknesses that I currently am unable to change but am working on.  Sometimes I see an ability, talent, or characteristic I would like to have and I desire it.  But no matter how hard I try, I just can't do it, excel in it, or be that way.  I’m not that skilled yet.  Others may already have mastered it and may even regard it as a simple skill.  But because of who I am and what I've been through (or haven't been through), this particular ability comes hard for me.  It takes time and the development of foundational abilities to be able to master higher abilities.  Just because I see it and desire it doesn’t mean I can automatically have it.  I have to be patient with myself and with the required training.  Some abilities have to be quietly woven into my soul over time.  Some pathways need to be walked over and over before the resultant depth finally creates a habit. 

I have come to see that having weaknesses doesn't deprive me of Joy.  It's how I evaluate the fact that I have them.  If this evaluation is skewed, I may indeed foster greater sorrow in my life. 

For example, in the historical fiction series written by Dean Hughes, Childrenof the Promise, based on the true events in World War II, there is a story line about a young woman named Bobbie who enlists as a nurse.  She's stationed in Hawaii to care for the injured soldiers in the South Pacific.  She meets a soldier named Richard, they fall in love, and shortly thereafter he gets sent out to sea.  Their separation causes Bobbie some pretty intense suffering from the fear of not knowing whether he will make it back.  One day she receives news that he is MIA.  She doesn't know if he is dead or alive and the more time passes without any news, the more she is forced to believe he is gone.  Finally she receives the news that he IS ALIVE but has sustained some pretty serious injuries to both of his hands.  

When he gets back, he pushes Bobbie away because of his injuries even though he is deeply in love with her.  And she is deeply in love with him.  For her, his injuries are so minor a burden for her to carry compared to the one she thought she was going to have to bear--his death.  All she wants to do is hold him, love him, marry him.  But because he has this weakness he pushes her away.  He doesn’t want to burden her with what may be a pretty severe handicap for the rest of his life.  And he doesn't seem to understand that Bobbie may very well have the strength to bear it.  Because he is ashamed of his weakness and doesn’t want her to have to sacrifice for him, he withholds himself.  He deprives both her and himself of what could possibly be an eternal relationship full of love, companionship, and complete and utter attraction.  Fortunately Richard does see the light and...well, you'll have to read the book to see what happens. : )

This story illustrates how my evaluation of my weaknesses can lead me to make decisions that deprive not only me but others of Joy.  I am my own worst critic.  Sometimes I look at myself with the weaknesses I have and believe I can’t be loved.  I believe that I am unworthy to be loved because of a, b, or c.  So instead of allowing others to sacrifice for me, I push them away.  I don’t want them to have to carry my burden.  I think they don’t want to.  I think they will resent me or view me as less of a person because of it. 

Hiding my weaknesses from those who have been put into a position to help me only causes me to seek support from conflicting sources.  To those who could and should be my comfort and support I say, “Oh, everything is fine.  No I don’t need anything.”

Balancing my Evaluation

A weakness is just an opportunity for someone else to exercise their value.  It’s a chance for them to use the strengths, abilities, talents they have been given.  It's a chance for us to combine in a relationship.  And when they help, it’s an amazing feeling for both of us!  It enables the Energy to flow through them which is an integral part of Joy.  Allowing and indeed inviting another to sacrifice for me is a foundational part of a healthy relationship. 

Herniated Disc

A few years ago I started taking Yoga for the first time and I loved it!  I loved it so much that I wanted to go more and more often so that I could become a superstar at it!  I wanted to be able to do THIS:

"Slow Down" by Jenny Jordan Frogley

I didn't quite get there but over time muscles that I didn’t know I had were strengthened.  I found that this improved my overall strength and posture so that I was better able to handle my everyday activities.  But with the increase in frequency and intensity of Yoga classes, there was one area of my body that wasn’t so happy.  My lower back seemed to be getting weaker over time.  I thought it was muscular.  I thought I was just experiencing DOMS (delayed onset muscular soreness)and just needed to be more consistent in attending classes so that my lower back muscles would strengthen.  I asked a Yoga instructor about it and she directed me to strengthening my core muscles.  I worked on that but the pain in my back continued and increased after each Yoga class.  There were periods of time when I was walking around like an age-ed woman and bending over ever-so-carefully to put each dish in the dishwasher. 

One day I went for a 3-mile run because I also decided that I wanted to start training for a half-marathon!  Yeah!  I was sure I’d learn crucial life lessons with that and feel my value.  Well, that 3-mile run was the end of Yoga and half-marathons for me (at least for a long while).  My disk herniated.  It’s guts squished out so that a bulge was pressing on my nerve.  And it was so painful for such a loooong time!  : (

So what did I learn from this?  I seriously have the tendency to get over-excited about the things I enjoy and the prospect of obtaining new abilities.  So much so that I try to get there at too fast a pace.  I’m willing to put up with quite a bit of pain in the sacrifice.  But this kind of pain wasn’t the kind I needed to endure in order to reap my reward.  This was WARNING PAIN.  “Stop now.  Stop.  Go back.  Do not proceed any further.  Long term painful injury, longer than you’ve ever had to endure before, ahead!”  And I misread it!

Paradoxical Results:  Reading Pain and Sorrow Signals

With every long term sacrifice to obtain a goal there is pain and sorrow that I need to endure.  The question is when is that pain/sorrow warning me to stop what I’m doing and when is it something I just need to endure?  Should I change or should I hold steadfast?

This is what I’ve learned:

I engage in a sacrifice process over time to obtain a goal (check out the diagram above).  I’m really excited about it in the beginning!  Lots of Energy!  I can’t wait to see results!  If over time the pain/sorrow increases and the Energy (or Joy) that I experience decreases to the point that I can’t keep my regular commitments, I need to change my sacrifice process.  I’m doing something wrong.  I may not be doing the whole thing wrong so I don’t want to throw the baby out with the bath water.  But I need to reevaluate the situation.  Most of the time the problem is that I need to take more time developing foundational, core strength first and then proceed to higher levels.

  

On the other hand, if I engage in a sacrifice process to obtain a goal and the initial pain/sorrow decreases over time and my Energy (or Joy) increases, then I know I need to remain steadfast.  The above diagram depicts how strength is established, an ability is formed, or a talent is gained.  But it is also true that adjustments might need to be made along the way.  The level of sacrifice could increase as my capacity to bear it increases.  Or the continued sacrifice may in time reveal a weakness I can’t change that I didn’t know I had.  Thus I reevaluate the situation and figure out what I can do to strengthen the muscles around that weakness.  Or maybe I find that I need to rely on someone else’s muscle in order to keep going.

A Cause

In past posts I have mentioned the concept of a New Parent.  In my studies I have generalized the parent role to include all individuals who are assigned to a position of influence.  These are people who either have the responsibility or desire to influence me, train me, provide for me, evaluate me, be an example for me.  I call this role by a more general name:  CAUSE.  A Cause can be a teacher, a boss, an older sibling, a coach, a supervisor, spouse, or even a friend.    In the dictionary Cause is defined as “a person or thing that gives rise to an action, phenomenon, or condition.”  When we sacrifice, serve, give, provide, teach we are acting as a Cause.  When we sing, paint, write, or exercise whatever talents we have been given, we act as a Cause.  I have sited several Causes in my posts.  Here is an index:  Cause Index.

So what is pressuring or Cause-ing me to believe I need to overdo it instead of inviting and allowing others to help me out?  Why do I sometimes get so "cumbered about much serving" (Luke 10:38-42)?  Why do I want to run faster than I have strength?  Why am I always having to beat down my kick-butt mentality?

When a child is raised by a Survival Cause, she is expected to make sacrifices she isn’t yet capable of.  She will grow up with the kick-butt, overdoing-it mentality.  She will believe running faster than she has strength is actually running at a normal pace.  She doesn’t look for grace as much as she looks for ways she can work through whatever conflicts come her way on her own.  She’s not used to help and may even think asking for help IS WEAKNESS.  She lives off of praise and is not so much into empathy, compassion, and recognizing her humanity.

"Responsibility and Choice"

Hymn #85

Evaluating Causes

Before I evaluate the Survival tendencies of my parents or any other Cause, I need to include an evaluation of their Causes.  Either they were also raised by Survival Causes OR they currently do not have a Paradoxical Cause they can depend on.  Even if we’re all grown up, we need a Cause.  It’s just one of those weaknesses that we can’t get around.  Married or unmarried, if there is not a secure relationship with a Paradoxical Cause, a parent will deviate into Survival Parenting.

No parent is perfect.  That means all of us have grown up with a degree of inability to be a Paradoxical Cause.  Some of us have a greater degree of inability than others and this causes strife in relationships.  It helps me to remember that I am culpable to the degree I have been Paradoxically Parented.  I do not use how I was raised as an excuse to continue acting as a Survival Cause.  When I recognized what was going on I realized it was my responsibility to find a Cause—one who would not only teach me Paradoxical Skills but also be a Cause that met my needs through his sacrifice.  I needed to be taught.  And I needed his empathy, compassion, Peace, love in order to heal.  I needed a companion who was balanced and always available. 

Coming Out of the Closet

Who is in your closet with you?  Who do you go to for help with your weaknesses?  

If you are in search of a Cause like I've described here, may I introduce you to my Cause?  His office hours are 24/7.  He doesn’t require you to pay him money but he does need your commitment.  You will need to become a Cause like he is to the degree you are capable.  That means you pass on to others what he teaches you in word AND in action.  Your allegiance is required.  You cannot turn to conflicting Causes who serve up chocolate cake when the going gets tough.  (And chocolate cake is a metaphor for whatever it is you turn to that does not have the power to support you now AND in the long run.) You need to turn to him instead.  Always trust him.  He is a Paradoxical Cause.  So to whatever degree you didn’t get this growing up, he will allocate a space in time for you to be retrained.  You are not condemned for what someone else has done to you and your resultant weaknesses (Article of Faith #2).  Objectively and subjectively you will develop the skills you desire.  He will always be there for you.  For weaknesses that can’t be changed, he will either put others into your life who will serve as your Para-Symbiotic Causes or he will do so himself.

 Elder Richard G. Scott: “Personal Strength through the Atonement of Jesus Christ”

In case it hasn’t been clear in my past posts, my Cause is Jesus Christ.  He's the one in my "closet."  The way I have witnessed my allegiance to him is by being baptized into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  I’m a Christian.  And I'm a Mormon.  I engage in the general sacrifices as described in the scriptures, which we believe to be the word of God.  We believe in prophets who expound upon the scriptures to accurately apply their core principles to the specific situations we are faced with today.  These men are governed by the Cause of Christ.  We are counseled to connect directly with our God through prayer and obedience to know in our hearts what is true and what is false (Moroni 10:4-6).  In reporting my Paradoxical Results of sacrificing in this way—the way this church advocates—my Joy increases in depth continuously over time (Alma 32:27-42).

Meet my Cause:  Chat with a Missionary  +  Read how I learned to "Chat" with God

So Say Geronimo!

Life is a highway but I don’t want to ride it all night long. Here’s why:

When I went on that road trip mentioned in the previous blog post, I dropped my son off at college and then headed south to visit my mom and stepdad.  I was on the highway for a long time.  I was envisioning my destination. I was sure my mom would have dinner ready, a nice cozy room for me to stay in, and it would be good to be out of the car. I was motivated to get there as efficiently as possible.  That was my goal.  I like to drive fast but I also strive to yield to the speed limit laws so when the sign says I can go 80, I want to go 80.

Listen:  "Life Is A Highway" by Rascal Flatts

Driving Obstacles
The first obstacle between me and my final destination was the distance.  I had to endure through the sacrifice of time, vigilance, and pressing on that gas peddle to be able to achieve my goal.  Really not too bad of a sacrifice considering the efforts my predecessors made crossing the same distance.  The second obstacle was to stay within the law—obey the speed limit as well as the other rules of the road, one of my favorite being: Stay to the right except to pass.  The third obstacle was the other drivers on the road, all of whom had their own destinations and there own way of getting there.  Some drove faster than me and thus over the speed limit and some drove slower than me and under the speed limit.  Some of the slower drivers liked to stay in the fast lane even though they weren’t passing anyone.  Some slower drivers liked to get in front of me just as I was about to pass a semi.  And that kind of stuff happened over and over again.  It wasn’t just a one time experience.  And of course it happens repeatedly every time I take a road trip.  I’m sure it’s the same for everyone else.

These other drivers and their different ways of driving present multiple conflicts for me as I’m focused on my goal:  getting to my final destination in the most efficient way possible.  This is because  I have another goal that is more important to me.  It’s to maintain Charity. It’s to love others and do good to them, regardless of how they treat me.  My commitment is to Paradoxical Living (see  blog posts Paradoxical Parenting and World Peace). So I wondered how I could maintain that commitment.  And what were my motives for trying to keep this commitment on the highway when nobody I knew was around?  

...Except God.  He’s around and is the one I’m mostly concerned about so I somehow had to figure out how to deal appropriately with each little internal irritating conflict I was having.  My goal above all sub-goals is to make my temple—my body and spirit—a sacred place where God himself would desire to dwell.  Nourishing irritating feelings and persistent unkind thoughts spawns bad habits and creates an environment in me that he may not be so comfortable in.  And without him there, life is not the same. So you see where my motivation to learn how to deal fairly and charitably with all these unknown drivers on the road (who I will probably never see again in my life) is coming from.

Every time I was caught behind a slow driver or was being tailed by someone going faster than the speed limit, I had a choice to make.  I could allow the jerk in me to come out. That’s certainly the response that comes natural and easy to me in the moment.  I could have manipulated whatever variables within my control to get in front of others.  I could have tailed other people as close as I dared to communicate to them in a rude (and dangerous) way that I wanted them to get out of my way or that I didn’t like how they had done the same to me a minute ago.  I could have a me-first mentality all the way from Colorado to Provo and then from Provo to St. George.  I could have spread selfishness all the way across two states.  I say spread because we all know what we are tempted to do when someone treats us with selfishness.  It’s like a virus.

If I choose the above action plan, I use this reasoning:  I have somewhere to go.  I have to get there.  I don’t like to be in the car longer than I have to be.  These people are in my way.  They don’t know how to drive.  I do.  But the issue is, I’m a little too smart to get away with this reasoning.  Or the Spirit that hangs out with me is.  Never fails, if I am reasoning that I have somewhere to go, I immediately see that SO DO THE OTHER DRIVERS!  So amazing, isn’t it?  Everyone is on a journey to obtain their own goals.  And somehow, someway we’ve got to put up with each other as we cross each other’s paths or travel along the same roads for a while.

Life is a Highway is a fun song but I think a song that better describes my Life-Highway experience is Geronimo by Sheppard.



Read on to see what I mean.

What is Charity?
The other response I could have to the “other people on the road” is to maintain Charity towards them.  This is about not tailing them when they are in front of me and going slower than the speed limit.  It is about giving them plenty of space and waiting for them to move over when they get the chance.  Usually they can’t move over anyway because a semi is in the way or it’s a two-lane highway.  So what good is tailing them?  And if they choose to get in front of me before I pass the semi, then let them.  Slow down and remember they are on their journey too.  Here is an opportunity to give them a hand.  I’ll voluntarily break and allow them to go in front of me when their blinker comes on.  I can do that. It’s just a small thing.  Yeah, it is uncomfortable, but every effort makes me into a different person—someone who has the capacity to bear the weight of others’ goals AND/OR problems, ignorances, mistakes, selfishness, imbalances WITHOUT crumbling into selfishness myself.  To be able to do this, I have to remember that this is my main goal, not the other.  It means more to me than getting to my nice warm and cozy dinner, family, and bed.  I don’t want to arrive at my destination having littered the road with unkind deeds and having a virulent irritation for all humanity sprouting up in my heart.  What kind of reward would I be to my family when I finally got there if that was the way I got there?  What kind of environment in my temple would I be making for God if I did that all the time?

“But [Jesus] answered and said, It is written, Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God.” ~Matthew 4:4

Make this leap!

My real goal is about dealing with every conflict that comes my way with success.  I stay in the Safe Place, meaning I don’t lose the Spirit.  I assist other people to do that as well.  If I’m rude to them, even if I think they’ve been rude to me first, I become a pawn of the adversary’s to tempt them out of the Safe Place. A lot of times we think people are being rude to us on purpose but they are sometimes just doing whatever they’re doing out of ignorance or innocence. And sometimes we get angry at ignorance. We call it negligence. That only spawns hatred of humanity, which ends with us becoming one of the humans we hate.

"Wherefore, he has given a law; and where there is no law given there is no punishment; and where there is no punishment there is no condemnation; and where there is no condemnation the mercies of the Holy One of Israel have claim upon them, because of the atonement; for they are delivered by the power of him." ~2 Nephi 9:25

Bombs away!  Can you feel my love?

When I maintain Charity towards others who drive evidently selfish, it’s not that I have warm fuzzy loving feelings for them throughout the whole experience.  I don’t. It hurts.  It annoys. It is a workout for my heart to not respond in kind. I accept this workout. I know why I’m feeling this pain. I’m sacrificing for my fellow men in general. I know God understands it when I’m working through the irritation. In fact he's been there and probably quite a bit. He just doesn’t want me to give way to it, agree with it, nourish it, and act upon it.

Make this leap!

Some people choose to reduce the intensity of this workout by making up excuses in their minds about why the other driver was so selfish. Maybe they are on the way to the hospital or some other emergency.  Maybe they just didn’t know. Yeah, that helps to some degree and sometimes it’s true.  But my intelligence does not allow me to trick myself into believing it is the case in every situation or even most situations.  I know there are in existence many drivers who drive selfishly because they are selfish and they don’t give a crap about anyone else.  I just can’t make myself believe that everyone of them has some kind of medical emergency or they have no idea what they are doing.  So when I maintain Charity towards drivers like these the love I have for them comes from my actions.  I will allow them to get in front of me.  I will wait for them.  I will be patient with them.  I will not respond in kind.  I won’t flip them off or ride on their tail or make ugly faces or shake my fist at them.  I will remain patient.  Under no circumstance will they see a trace of the struggle I’m having inside because of what they did.  I will maintain my countenance so they have no idea what’s happening inside of me.  Let's just be clear here:  This is what I'm striving to achieve.  Not what I have yet achieved.

"Moreover when ye fast, be not, as the hypocrites, of a sad countenance: for they disfigure their faces, that they may appear unto men to fast. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward. But thou, when thou fastest, anoint thine head, and wash thy face; That thou appear not unto men to fast, but unto thy Father which is in secret: and thy Father, which seeth in secret, shall reward thee openly." ~Matthew 6:16-18

Make this leap!

That’s how I love them.  I’m not thinking, “Oh you poor soul, God loves you!  Go in front of me.  You are a wonderful human being.” No. I’m thinking, “I get it. I’ve been there too. Running late or just prefer to drive fast and thinking only of your own destination. Not there yet in being able to figure out that all of us around you want to get to our destination as efficiently as possible too.  I’ll deal with this. I will not fan the flame of my irritation. I’ll just wait for it to pass through me. I hope you learn sometime soon that selfishness is not the best strategy to obtain what you want.”

Can you feel my love?  Make this leap!

If I am forced to endure the lawless driving of another vehicle on the highway for extended periods of time after I have been patient, I objectively look for a way to get around them or away from them.  I don’t do it to communicate how angry I am with them.  I do it matter-of-factly.  I am saying, “Go ahead and proceed the way you are if that is your way of driving, but I’m just going to go along my way too.  Pass on the right.  Bye!”  Of course if they are way lawless and dangerous, I should report it to the highway patrol so this person doesn’t end up crashing into someone else.  In other relationship scenarios, I could most likely open the communication channels up more fully before having to call in “the authorities.”  Thankfully, since I’m keeping myself in the Safe Place instead of losing it, I can listen to the Holy Ghost to make that kind of discernment-decision.

But we all know that we get into scenarios where we can do nothing to pass the person and are stuck behind them seemingly forever.  In this case we have a greater degree of adversity to bear. Just objectively knowing this is a very difficult trial to endure gives me greater ability to deal with it.  Fighting the natural man response process will only make me stronger.  I turn to the Lord in faith.  I plead for his help—to help me endure to the end of this trial and to help me get out of it soon.  Then I just endure as long as is required because I trust he won’t allow things to try me past what is good for me. 

“So say Geronimo!”

Obviously these kinds of conflicts do indeed happen on the highway.  But the metaphor is that life is a highway and the interactions we have with other drivers are symbolic of the interactions we have with everyone in our lives: our spouse, kids, relatives, friends, neighbors, community members, coworkers, etc.  And while we all have a final destination to get to—our happiness and comfort with family and friends—bee-lining to it at the expense of others is not the best way to get there.  Why?  Because we’re being watched.  God is watching us and all his holy angels.  They are keeping a careful record.  Our final-final destination is with all of them as well as our present family and friends.  And the type of person we have become along life’s highways is the type of person we are at our final destination.  Who do we want to live with there and who will want to live with us?

I know my heaven is with people who have developed their Charity to a similar level that I have by doing what I’m struggling to do on life’s highway.  And heaven is “through the curtains of the waterfall!”  The kind of spirits that attend us now are the kind of people we will dwell with eternally.  Even if no one on the highway sees or cares too much about how much I “make this leap!” for them, I know God sees it.  I can feel his increased desire to dwell with me when he sees it.  My family and friends feel the difference in their interactions with me.  Perhaps if I can master this Highway Charity with the Savior’s help, I will eventually sing, “Life is a highway and I [do] want to ride it all night long.”  If he’s going my way (or I’m going his), then yeah, I do “want to drive it all night long.”  But for now...

“We can make this leap!…Through the curtains of the waterfall…So say Geronimo!…Bombs away…Can you feel my love?”