Just Another Day with Music

I have always been deeply affected by music, especially music with lyrics about sincere relationships. This includes traditional romance songs, songs about family relationships and friendships, and songs about our relationship with God.

A lot of people ask me how I am able to connect with the Lord enough to experience his atoning love so sustainably. They want to know how they can more fully rely on him. In this post, I hope to address one major way that happens for me. 

Songs for the River

When I was a senior in high school, my sister was dating Craig Savage (who is now her husband). She had gone on a river rafting trip with him. While on the river, she fell out of the raft and was sucked into a siphon (whirlpool). She was underwater for so long that she thought this was it for her. She describes it as a seriously scary experience. Craig was shaken by it as well. While on his mission, he sent her an instrumental song from the album Songs for the River by Roger Hoffman. He recorded his voice over it reenacting the event. It was somewhat funny because Craig has a sense of humor. But as a 17-year-old girl, I thought it was better than receiving roses. It really touched me – both the humor and his taking the time to express how much he cared for her.

Listening to Seminary Records in the 70s

Another experience with music was in the 70s when I was around six or seven years old. My older step-siblings brought home a record from seminary called Like Unto Us. I listened to it over and over again not because I understood what it was singing about but because of the way it made me feel. I remember experiencing this tingly feeling in my heart.

This was my favorite song on that album. It's a remake of the original: That We May Know 

Listening to EFY Cassette Tapes in the 80s

When I was a teenager in the 80s, our church group traveled by bus from San Jose, California to Brigham Young University in Provo, Utah for a youth conference, which was like EFY for our entire stake. I went when I was fourteen and again when I was seventeen. These conferences consisted of activities, dances, and workshops. They brought so much light into my life. As a teen, I was never happier than when I went to them. 

Steven Kapp Perry spoke to us at the second Youth Conference. He was probably in his mid-20s or early 30s. He is the son of Janice Kapp Perry, an American composer, songwriter, and author. I listened to her music and sang (in a group) many of her songs for church activities like New Beginnings.

During Steven Kapp Perry’s presentation at our Youth Conference, he spoke and sang to us. He was beautiful! Everything about him attracted me. He believed in Jesus Christ and I could tell that he walked the talk. Spiritually, he was light. I bought his cassette tape from the BYU bookstore. 

On the way home to California, I listened to it over and over again. I could not get enough of it. I was worshipping God through the music. I wouldn’t have been able to describe it like that back then. I was just following my heart and it was filled with a powerfully strong Spirit. I remember being surprised when someone asked me to turn it off. I thought everyone loved it as much as I did. I did turn it off, but when I got home, I continued listening to this music as well as music from other Christian artists over and over again.

Worshipping Through Music

Throughout my years growing up, I did not like the idea of worshipping anyone. Even when I read about people worshipping in the scriptures, it seemed pretty awkward to me. But I didn’t understand what worship really was. I didn’t know that playing a certain artist’s music over and over again and taping up their pictures all over my walls was a type of worship. When I was thirteen, this is how much I loved Duran Duran and especially Simon LeBon.

I only started to recognize these things in 2006-8, when I came to understand that worshipping is an integral part of my happiness. I would have never thought that I needed and desired to do it. But I totally do. I just need to have someone worthy of my worship always in front of my eyes (both physical and spiritual).

And I’m not the one who decides who is worthy of it. My heart decides that. I can choose what I read, who I read about, what I listen to, what I look at, and what I watch, but I can’t force my heart to worship. It just does or doesn’t. I can definitely choose to search for the good in people and things. And what never fails to make my heart take flight is when I see Jesus Christ in them. Through experience, I have learned where I’m more likely to find Him.

Read more about worship: Why Worship?

Listening to Amy Grant CDs in the 90s

In college, my roommate Susan Lund introduced me to Amy Grant’s music. Amy Grant worships God in her music and I found an intense connection with it. For more than 30 years, I have been singing along with her. When my kids were babies I sang these songs to them. I went to her concert with a friend when she came to Denver in 1998. I sang every song with her. Amy Grant helped me develop stronger wings so I could worship God at a higher level. 

One of my favorite songs by her is Emmanuel. 

Listening to MP3s in the 2000s

As mentioned before, in 2006-08, I was studying the concept of worship for the first time. This is when I first realized that I was worshipping God through music. I then purposefully and knowingly used it to worship the Savior directly. Instead of just singing about him, I sang to him. As he was re-training me and teaching me higher-level relationship skills, I was so intensely grateful for the way he managed me and the way he loved me. It was seriously incredible. And I needed some way to release that appreciation, so I just sang to him. This brought me intense joy. 

When I was driving kids around, shopping, or running errands I started listening to the music my kids were listening to on the radio, and then I added certain MP3s to my iPod. There were a lot of really good songs that had come out between 2000 and 2006. They were like gold to me. I searched for the semantic meaning behind the lyrics and translated them in my mind and sometimes in my journal. I used them to worship the Savior. 

The intensity of his presence in my mind and heart increased dramatically throughout these years and as a result, what came out of me was this unique rejoicing-worship. The Reason by Hoobastank is an example of one of these 2000s songs.

The Reason

That's why I need you to hear

I've found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

And the reason is you…

Listening to Music on Spotify in the 2020s

The song I have been listening to over and over again for the past two weeks on Spotify that just popped up in the "Recommended Songs" one day is called, Just Another Day by Jon Secada. I recognized it from the 90s, but this is the first time I really paid attention to it. I literally can't listen to it too many times. That only happens with a few songs. 

I translated this love song into a worship song. The semantic message I’m communicating to the Savior and that he’s echoing back to me is that my work/life balance is getting off again. I’ve been spending too much time on work and school and not enough on our relationship. If I don’t take enough time for this, I start feeling lonely even if I’ve been interacting with a ton of other people.

Just Another Day

(Mornings are long)

(When you come home, I breathe a little faster)

Every time we’re together

It’d never be the same

If you're not here

How can you stay away?

Away, so long?

Why can't we stay together?

Just give me a reason, give me a reason

'Cause I, I don't wanna say it

I don't wanna find another way

Make it through the day without you

I can't resist

Trying to find exactly what I missed

It's just another day without you

It's just another day

Making the time

(Find the right lines)

To make you stay forever

What do I have to tell you?

I'm just trying to hold on to something

(Trying to hold on to something good) 

Give us a chance to make it

To make it

Don’t wanna hold on to never

I'm not that strong, I'm not that strong!

I don't wanna say it

I don't wanna find another way

Make it through the day without you

Precious as Diamonds

Every song he has used to communicate with me is more precious than diamonds. And the songs keep coming. They literally spiritually nourish my spirit like food nourishes my body. 

I know that music is important to a lot of people and that many are using it in the same way I have been. To those who are struggling with their communication relationship with God, I hope that this post gives greater evidence to the fact that this is a powerful way to communicate with Him. 

Listen for the messages he is sending you through the songs you listen to. Then translate them to represent the stories you are walking through with the people in your life (Spin the Lyrics). Allow your heart to express the love you're feeling for your spouse, your kids, your friends, and especially for God. Your admiration and gratitude for them will turn into Sustainable Joy.

“For my soul delighteth in the song of the heart; yea, the song of the righteous is a prayer unto me, and it shall be answered with a blessing upon their heads.” -D&C 25:12

Shields Up! Part 2

Neglect: The Opposite of Abuse
I have used the word Abuse as a synonym for reviling. And Abuse is the main word I’ve chosen to use in my writing to describe the NW Imbalance. So, technically Abuse is combining with someone else in a way that hurts them. It is adding a stimulus. It is a sin of Commission.

This post is the second part of a three-part post. If you haven't already, read this post first: Shields Up! Part 1

The opposite of Abuse is Neglect. Technically, Neglect is separating from someone else in a way that hurts them. It is subtracting a stimulus. It is a sin of Omission.

I learned that people could use Neglect to hurt me. The reason behind that is that we all need love. Love is spiritual nourishment. We need it as much as we need food and water for physical nourishment. We cannot spiritually live without it. So without love, we experience Sorrow. And that hurts.

Those who are responsible for our care have the responsibility to physically and spiritually love us. In this way, they care for our body and spirit. So if they Neglect doing this for us, they leave us in a vulnerable place. We are excessively exposed to injury and reviling. Our shields are not fully functional. We have more sensitivities. We’re easily hurt by others who Abuse and Neglect us. 

Negligence also includes neglecting to teach us relationship skills and to train us how to stand steadfast in Christ, which powers our shields. The combination of both ignorance (as a result of Negligent training) and Abuse results in a high level of vulnerability - shields down.

Degrees of Intensity

The Lord would often show me diagrams in my mind to teach me. He showed me something like the diagram to the right and taught me there are degrees of intensity for both Abuse and Neglect. Not only can others Abuse me by degrees, but they could also Neglect me by degrees. 

And of course, I could do this to others. But He had to help me understand what was done to me first so he could heal me - re-parent me. The result was that I turned around and was able to love my kids from my heart. My sacrifice became intentional and voluntary. I was able to bear their burdens without reacting to their Imbalanced Processes.

What is Love Anyway?

Have you ever studied the semantic concept of Love? That word was pretty confusing to me because of all the definitions out there. But this is what the Lord showed me: The balance between Abuse and Neglect is Love. Love includes standing steadfast in Christ in the face of other people's Abuse and Neglect. It is giving Mercy to those who hurt me instead of doing what comes naturally.

He taught me that love was also about training and giving appropriate consequences. He said that sometimes I should disapprove and correct my children's behavior. In Mercy sometimes I should separate them from the family and put them in timeout.

I asked him how I would know when I crossed the line to Abuse or Neglect. That took Him time to explain to me. We’ll get to that somewhere in the next few posts. For now, just know that it's not wrong to Combine or Separate in order to resolve conflicts. It just doesn't resolve them when we combine or separate contrary to the Holy Ghost's guidance. Combining too much is Abuse. Separating too much is Neglect.

With this information, we can see that most of us were Abused or Neglected to some degree growing up and we still may be experiencing some of that in our present family relationships. It is the degree of weakness in these critical relationships which causes weakness in our shields. With weak shields, we are more vulnerable to even less intense forms of Adversity. And because our ability to bear Adversity is not too high, we are more likely to Turn and Revile Again when our children misbehave, hurt us, or disobey. And that's just how it is.

Continued in: Shields Up! Part 3

I Know Where Beauty Lives

In the Spring of 2006, I went to Vail, Colorado for my own personal writer’s conference with the Lord, instead of going to the BYU writer’s conference again. I stayed in a nice hotel and was able to study full-time without interruptions for a few days. I have much gratitude to Sherm for making these retreats possible. 

This post is part 3 of "I Have a Tale to Tell"

Part 1

Part 2

While I was there I continued studying, writing, and conversing with the Lord. When I got stuck and didn’t know what to do, I went to a different place in the room and prayed. As I studied, I could sense Him in my mind, like he was remotely logged in. He was guiding me, answering my questions, and asking me questions. 

Three Major Things Happened

I remember three major things happening on this visit to Vail. The first was our study of the word Justification. 

I was looking at this semantic concept because Dramatica had a giant definition of it that really caused me to think deeply. 

The scriptures also spoke of Justification through the Atonement of Jesus Christ so I wanted to compare and contrast the way Dramatica was defining it with the way the scriptures defined it.

I realized that I also had a preconceived definition associated with the word justify. I predominantly saw its negative meaning: When someone tries to justify herself for her failures and makes up excuses for her poor choices instead of admitting them and seeking to improve. I did not want to be that way so I often swung to the other side of the pendulum to evaluate and confess my responsibility in every failure.

But then I asked the Lord what he did with his Justification. He showed me that he justified people by first looking at the reasons for their failures objectively and empathetically. Rarely was a single person completely responsible for their failures. It was important to investigate the other causes that were involved. When those causes are identified the resolution process becomes apparent. And it was his job to be involved in that resolution process, which then brought a person closer to him.

He showed me the justification of margins in my mind. In this first image, you can see the margins on the left are Imbalanced. They are not even. That was like some of the ways I used to deal with my relationship problems.

 

In this second image, the margins have been justified. I knew in an instant what it is now taking me a few paragraphs to explain. So, part of his Justification process is to retrain us. He was doing this with me. He was showing me the facts and then letting me decide what I would do with them. I chose to apply them to my life, which incrementally balanced me out. It gave me better relationship skills. It taught me how to evaluate my failures in a more productive way. It taught me how I wasn't defined by my failures. They were separate from me, or at least they could be separated from me so that I could increase my balance.

I Know Where Beauty Lives

I know where beauty lives. Understanding the semantics behind Justification helped me know who he is and where he stands. As I understood this about him, I physically felt a tight knot inside me release. This was the way that he saw me and everyone else. He resided and presided here. He taught me to evaluate myself and others from this perspective. He showed me that he gives me, my kids, my husband, my family members, and my community members time to make mistakes, experience consequences, learn from them, and grow. He understands we all need time to get it right. In his mercy, he allows for this space and time. 

He consistently repeated this training process over the next several years of my life using other semantic concepts. Through this process, he was slowly but surely freeing me from a bondage I had not fully understood that I was in. And oh my God! (literally) He was so beautiful! Seeing him like this was the delight of my entire existence!

The Second Crucial Thing

The second crucial thing I remember working out with him during this time in Vail was about my kids. And let me tell you the backstory first. I sometimes thought about the possibility of one of my kids dying in an accident or by disease. I would walk through that possibility, envision it, and cry my eyes out. I did not want them to die. I had heard of many stories of other children dying – getting stuck in the trunk of a car, getting trapped under a garage door, drowning, cancer, etc. These stories always broke my heart. I wanted to protect my kids. I didn’t want them to get hurt. I didn’t want them to suffer. It was intensely painful. 

So, in Vail, the Lord asked me to give up the fate of my children to him. He wasn’t saying he was going to take them. It was that he knew that was the one thing I was holding back from him. I held on to it with all my might in total fear. He wanted me to let go of the fear and trust him with the lives of my children, whether they lived long or short lives, whether they had to deal with sorrow or joy. He was trying to tell me that they would be okay – he would make sure of that, regardless of physical life or death.

This conversation came up because I was asking to come closer to Him. I had told him that I didn’t want to hold anything back. I wanted to give him all of me. So, I went through one of my first leaps of faith. I mustered my courage to let go and trust him. I made this commitment. It took me time to actually stop the fearful thought processes and to develop my faith. It still is a little scary for me, but each time it comes to my mind, I just turn to him and give it to him.

The Third Crucial Thing

The third major change that I made during this stay in Vail was the direction of my writing. I had started studying and training with him to achieve the goal of writing a fiction story that would eventually be published.

I came to a point where I said, “I’m making very little progress towards finishing my story. I’m spending so much time on writing about the structure of story that there is no time left to actually write my story.” 

The last morning in Vail, I was in the shower and he had logged in remotely again. I was thinking about the above conundrum when he answered me. His words were very clear, “Which would you rather do – write your story or keep learning about the structure of story? Writing your story will be a shorter and easier journey. So, you can put down your studies and do that. Or you can take the much longer and harder journey (I pictured a mountain path) and continue focusing on writing about the structure of story. There was no force or guilting me into doing one or the other. He merely was presenting the choice to me and was asking me to decide.

There was no question in my mind. I wanted the longer, harder journey. This place that he was taking me was so amazingly beautiful. I had to keep going. Once I made the choice, I sensed that’s what he wanted too. 

So, I made the commitment to put my fiction story aside and focus on writing about what he was showing me.

To be continued...HERE

Change Like A Sunrise

It was a Sunday, and the year was 1983. The place was San Jose, California. I wasn’t at church like I hadn’t been for the past year. I was fourteen years old and hanging out at home in my red and white striped shorts and a t-shirt. There was a knock at the door, and I answered it. Two women from my church had come to see me. They introduced themselves as Sister Braun and Sister Schuck, my young women leaders, and asked if they could come in. 

I agreed and showed them into the living room. What followed was a conversation that has echoed through my mind and heart for 37 years. It’s not that it was amazingly powerful or touching at the time. In fact, it was pretty awkward for me. They told me they loved me with tears in their eyes. They invited me to come back to church for 6 weeks. Even though I wasn’t a fan of such mushiness and was anxious for the whole visit to be over, I agreed to go back. 

So, I went back. I don’t remember when the six weeks ended. I lost track of time. There were good friends, boys, love, guidance, leadership, inclusion, and opportunities at church. I needed this community. My ward became my family. My bishop, his counselors, and young men leaders were like father figures to me. My young women leaders were mother figures. And they loved me.

They taught me that I was a daughter of God and that he loved me. They told us all that we had been saved for these last days to perform a special mission for Him. We were youth of a noble birthright. Something stirred inside me. It began to grow.

“Now we will compare the word unto a seed. Now, if ye give place, that a seed may be planted in your heart, behold, if it be a true seed, or a good seed, if ye do not cast it out by your unbelief, that ye will resist the Spirit of the Lord, behold, it will begin to swell within your breasts...” -Alma 32:28

The Promise

Within a year, around my fifteenth birthday, I went to one of the regular interviews that the members of the bishopric have with the youth. This particular interview was with Brother Williams, one of the bishopric counselors. He told me that there is a promise in the scriptures that if I consistently read them, the Lord would prosper me. He took a few minutes to define what prosperity meant – flourishing financially. That appealed to me. During these years, I was very interested in figuring out a way to meet my needs.

In telling me about this, Brother Williams introduced me to a covenant relationship with the Lord himself. He told me about a promise that I didn’t know about before. Up until that time, I tried to obtain some of the things I wanted in ways that were imbalanced and definitely weren’t sustainable. But after hearing about this promise, I latched onto it. I believed it and was excited to test it out.

Change Like a Sunrise

After the interview, I started reading the scriptures consistently. I rarely missed a day. I experienced light. That’s the best way to describe it. It was like the sun rising so gradually, I barely even noticed it and the changes that were occurring inside of me. But in hindsight, I can see the movement, the progress. Over time scripture reading became a habit. Little by little, I learned a better way of living – a better way of obtaining my desires and resolving my conflicts. Many imbalanced thoughts, words, and actions were balanced within a year. But other more difficult relationship issues would take me more time to figure out, realize, and correct. Oh, and financially, I've always had enough and to spare. 

See my post: My Financial Advisor and I Was On a 500-mile Bike Trip for some examples of how that happened.

I Was Part of a Miracle

When I was sixteen, I was at a youth fireside at our bishop’s home – Bishop & Sister Hunter. They were spotlighting our leaders. The leaders had a bunch of questions to answer beforehand. When they did Sister Schuck’s spotlight, they told us things about her like her favorite color, where she was born and grew up, etc. I can’t remember the details, but I do remember one of the questions: What is one of your most spiritual experiences? They read the answer – Reactivating Gretchen Nahinu. I was astonished. I had forgotten who I was before and hadn't realized the full story.

Later she told me that she had received such a strong impression to go to my house and invite me back to church. And then she had watched me grow and change over the years. I was a part of her miracle and I hadn’t been fully aware of it. The realization caused me to reflect on the changes that had occurred in me and her role in my conversion. I also became more aware of the Lord's role in my life. He had come for me. The atonement of Jesus Christ is real.

I owe so much to Sister Braun, Sister Schuck, and Brother Williams. The feelings of awkwardness that I had when I first met them have turned into feelings of complete gratitude. I am so thankful that they came for me and taught me about my relationship with my Savior. It was through these and many other good people in my life, scripture study, prayer, and personal revelation that my relationship with Him has been developed. And it has been through this personal training relationship with him that I've been able to rebalance, work through the more difficult issues that I have been assigned to overcome throughout my lifetime, and find Sustainable Joy.

It Was the People That Blew Me Away

When I went to Egypt, Jordan, and Israel in May 2014 we saw some of the wonders of the world. In Egypt we explored the Great Pyramids and the Great Sphinx of Giza, Mount Sinai, the Nile, and the Tutankhamun tombs. In Jordan we saw the ancient city of Petra (seen in Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade movie), the Red Sea, and Mount Nebo. In Israel we swam in the Dead Sea, road a lift to the top of Masada, sailed on the Sea of Galilee, and some of our group were even baptized in the Jordan River.

I had wanted to see this part of the world for so many years. I had imagined it would blow me away. And the sites were interesting, but as it turned out they paled in comparison with meeting the people. Most of those we met were in the tourist business - guides, vendors, and servers at restaurants and hotels.

The Great Sphinx of Giza

In Egypt when everyone was taking pictures of the Sphinx, I was talking to the young Egyptian girls who were harassing us to buy postcards, bookmarks, jewelry, and other stuff. They were very pushy and most people tried to ignore them, hoping they would leave them alone. I didn’t like their pushiness either, but I really wanted to know their story. So, I sidestepped their pushiness, and asked them questions about themselves. 

“How old are you?”

“How long have you been working here?”

“Do you go to school?”

A little surprised, they stopped harassing, and answered my questions. The group of them were between 12 and 14 years old. They had been working for a couple of years there. They sometimes went to school but there wasn’t a lot of time for that. Most had beautiful brown eyes with those thick dark eyelashes. One had green eyes. Some wore head wraps. Some wore full cover. One of the girls said she didn’t like to wear the full cover because of the tan line. She showed me how the top of her face was darker than the bottom. They all giggled at that. More joined us. I glanced at the Sphinx a few times wondering if I would regret not paying more attention to it, but facts are facts: The life in these young girls and apparent need for personal attention was more about why I was there than any other reason.

When I was leaving, one of the girls gave me a bookmark with a sketch of the Sphinx on it. She said it was a gift for me and that I didn’t need to pay for it. I thanked her. A few minutes later just before I got on the bus, I gave her a dollar and told her it was a gift. She smiled like she had just opened a Christmas present. I could tell that it wasn’t so much the money as it was the gift giving - her act of love and mine.

Al Siq to the City of Petra

We traveled to southwestern Jordan to visit the well-known archaeological site of Petra with the famous city carved out of the red rocks. We had to walk a long way through a narrow canyon called Al Siq to get there. The geology reminded me of Southern Utah - Lake Powell, Zion National Park, Bryce Canyon. 

As we walked, there were more child vendors. These were among the pushiest we came across. There was a girl who must have been around 13 years old who tried to stuff the postcards she was selling into the shirt of an older lady in our group. She was taking advantage of this woman’s age. I walked over to her and firmly, but not angrily, told her to stop. She stopped bugging her but looked at me with contempt and said, “Don’t worry about it.” I knew I was in her country and in her territory, so I didn’t respond. My hope was to maintain respect while drawing the line at insolence where I could.

The next vendor I interacted with was a younger boy. He stuffed a packet of postcards on my bag and wouldn’t take it back. I didn’t want to be manipulated into buying his postcards so I took off my sun glasses and looked him in the eye and said, “Take it.” Again, I was showing him that I was serious without being disrespectful or angry. 

He said, “No.”

I found this funny, but I also sensed the challenge. As I continued walking through the narrow passageway, over 250 feet of towering red cliffs on either side, he followed me. 

“What’s your name,” I asked.

“Solomon.”

I nodded. “I like that name. How old are you?”

“Nine.”

“Do you go to school?”

“I work here and I go to school later.”

I played around with him a little and tried to stuff the packet of postcards into his sweatshirt hoodie. But it dropped on the ground.  

“Pick it up!” he demanded.

I sensed this was a contest of pride. I knew my goal was to love and not respond with anger like I saw others doing, so I chose humility and picked it up. I’m not saying that was easy. I don’t like it when people treat me like that, but I felt that it was important for me to serve first - “as you wish” kind of thing. So, I picked it up.

“If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all.” -Mark 9:35

I handed him the postcards.

“They’re a gift for you,” he said

“No, you can have them back.” I had heard they had a quota to meet and I still didn’t want to buy the cards under force.

He kept insisting I keep them. So I put them in my purse. I could tell he was warming up to me. I asked if I could take his picture. He nodded. (see the above picture) I showed him the picture on my phone and let him play with the phone for a couple of minutes. He was fascinated. 

“Do you have gum?” he asked.

“Yeah, I think I do.” I dug in my bag, found a few pieces, and gave them to him.

Finally he said, “Can I have the postcards?”

I smiled and gave them back.

Before I left him, I asked him, “How much are the postcards?”

“Dollar.”

I gave him a dollar and he gave me the postcards. “Thanks,” I responded and patted him on the shoulder. “It was a pleasure to meet you.”

He smiled and we parted as friends.

The Treasury

The next event occurred when I came out of the narrow shaded passageway into the full view of the Treasury at Petra (see picture below). It stood monumentally before me. But that’s not what demanded my attention. A group of older boys selling silver bracelets gathered around me. I braced myself for the harassment. Other people were passing quickly, ignoring the boys the best they could. Again, I didn’t want to be forced into buying, but I also wanted to treat them like human beings. I was in their country. I represented mine. I wanted to meet them. I sensed their value and wondered if I could get past their manipulation game to their hearts.

I took off my sun glasses so I could see them eye to eye. They liked my blue eyes and began to make comments about them. Instead of making this about me, I noticed their eyes - golden brown with dark eyelashes, like natural eyeliner. They were surprised that I was turning the focus on them. They seemed to really like it. There was a little boy among them that was totally adorable. 

I wanted to take a picture of him but some of the older boys said, “No, no. You can’t take his picture.” 

I accepted that without an argument and put away my phone.  

There must have been at least a dozen boys gathered around me. I talked with them a bit, asking them questions about themselves, side-stepping their flirty comments. No, I didn’t want to buy what they were selling. I just wanted to meet them. I treated them as human beings and recognized their value. They were full of intensity. They had stopped trying to sell me something and were enjoying the conversation. At one point I looked around and noticed my entire tour group was gathered a little ways off and the tour guide was giving them instructions that I was missing. Here I was surrounded by all of these young men. What the heck was I doing? But I couldn’t pull myself away.

I asked again if I could take a picture of the boy. They said I could and asked me why I wanted it. I pointed at the Treasury, one of the 7 Wonders of the World, and said, “This is beautiful.” Then I pointed at the boy and said, “But this is more beautiful.”

What About Love?

What even is love? For me, I’ve been attempting to figure it out. It seems like this is true for others as well. I just started using Spotify and made my first playlist out of some of my favorite 80s songs. I’ve been listening to Heart sing, “What about love? Don’t you want someone to care about you? What about love? Don’t let it slip away!” And Foreigner sings, “I wanna know what love is. I want you to show me.”

I know that most of the time these 80s songs as well as songs from other generations are singing about romantic love and physical affection. I know romance and physical affection are a part of love. And I do not discount them when considering the meaning of love. 

In the scriptures, Jesus Christ counsels us to love each other. To love each other as we would be loved and to love God with all our heart, might, mind, and strength. So he’s not only talking about romantic relationships. I believe he’s talking about a general way of interacting with each other that can be applied to all types of relationships – marriage, family, and community.

From all of my research and ponderings about what love is, I have concluded so far that it is a an action, a motive, and a state. 

Love Is An Action

As an action, I believe love is sacrifice. When I love someone, I give up my comfortable life to some degree for them. In marriage, I give up all other men to be with my husband. As a mother, I give up spending my time on other life projects that conflict with my ability to parent and nourish my children to the extent that I am able. In my relationships with members of my extended family and friends or others in my community, I share my specific abilities and talents, which hopefully lighten the loads they have to carry.

Right here, there is usually a bunch of judging each other. Who is sacrificing enough for others? Who is loving enough? Is my neighbor loving her kids enough? Is she sacrificing enough? Or does my neighbor see how much I’m really sacrificing for my relationships? 

Who cares?! This isn’t about who is sacrificing or loving better than someone else. That is so twisted. All we need to focus on here is if we are developing compatible relationships with the people right in front of us.

Love Is A Motive

As a motive, I don’t want to sacrifice for ascetic reasons, but for real reasons. I seriously want these other people in my life to be happy because that makes me happy. I guess it comes down to empathy. I literally feel pain when I see someone suffering. Once I was at Chris’ baseball game when he was like 13 years old and another little boy got hit in the head by the baseball. I felt it physically. My soul was affected and I wanted to help him. I wanted to take the pain away from him.

I have come to believe that love is about taking the pain away from others, if at all possible, but it is not taking ALL the pain away from them so they never have to sacrifice. Knowing when to allow others to sacrifice has always been a difficult thing for me. I just want to take all the stress, sorrow, and discomfort away from them. But since sacrifice is love, I would also be taking away their love by attempting to do this. Appreciating, empathizing, honoring, and respecting their sacrifice is what I have needed to learn to do.

I think the real reasons to sacrifice can be summarized into this one goal: to develop sustainable compatible relationships. Relationships that enable all members to live in sustainable joy. Relationship where all members attract the others instead of manipulating, forcing, or guilting them into meeting their needs or the needs of others.

This is one characteristic I have come to see in Jesus Christ as I’ve studied him and experienced his love: He doesn’t want to force, manipulate, or guilt me into sacrificing. In fact, he would rather not have me sacrifice at all for him if that is my only motivation. He wants me to voluntarily sacrifice because I love. And I love because he has loved me like this. He has been real with me. He seriously wants a sustainable compatible relationship with me. And I know he wants that for each of us. He’s willing to negotiate, work it out, figure things out, be flexible, give time and space, and consider ways of doing things that may not be the perfect and simple story-book solution.

Love Is A State

But there are also lines our Savior can’t cross. And the reason he can’t cross them is because of the state of love. The state of love is a result, a continuous relationship, a continuous feeling of love, a continuous attraction. 

I think this could possibly be what the scriptures describe as Charity. It never fails. It can endure suffering for a long time. It’s totally kind. It doesn’t envy the success of others. It isn’t puffed up in fake flattery. It isn’t motivated to get more indulgent pleasure for itself. It’s motivated by sustainable joy. It isn’t easily provoked, it doesn’t think evil. It doesn’t strategize how to manipulate the variables to get what it wants at the expense of others so it has to sacrifice (love) as little as possible. It doesn’t receive any joy out of inequality and having more or less than others. It receives joy from figuring out the truth – how to make relationships work sustainably. It’s able to bear whatever adversity it has to deal with. It believes that sustainable compatible relationships with continuous attraction are possible. It is hopeful, not apathetic or obsessive. It troubleshoots instead of giving up or putting up with conditions and states that are not yet, but potentially can become happily ever after. It is able to endure whatever happens.

So if we want this Charity, there are rules to follow. It’s like a circle, a promise between two or more people, a covenant. There is mercy. But mercy is justice over time. Justice is about keeping our commitments to each other. I have rules that I need others to keep. My kids, family, and friends have rules they need me to keep. You have rules that you need your family and friends to keep. When other people break their commitment to us, they break the rules. 

In the situation where my rules have been broken, I’m the first person to advocate rules, laws, and order. But when I’m the one breaking my commitment to other people, am I the one complaining that there are rules, promises, and responsibilities? 

And WHAT ABOUT LOVE? When it comes to keeping the rules, this is sacrifice. Keeping each other’s rules is a sacrifice. If I complain about having to keep these rules or say that the rules are too demanding and constraining, what exactly am I saying about my love for the person whose rules they are?

Whatever my choice is about voluntarily sacrificing to keep God’s rules and to keep the rules of others, if I want the state of love – Charity – then there are general rules I need to follow. There are no if, ands, or buts. And these rules are usually all about giving, forgiving, repenting. They are about giving Mercy to the extent God has given it to me.

But where is the line? When do "if, ands, or buts" cross that line? I think we can know that when our motive and commitment is love, not asceticism, and not hedonism.