He Knows Who We Are & What We're Going Through

 

The Lord knows who we are, what limitations we have, and what we're going through. 

I got an email on Sunday that was sent to our whole ward (church congregation) about pulling weeds on the Church Farm on Tuesday evening. I think our ward might have this responsibility every week during a certain month of the summer or something like that. I’ve done it a couple of times before, but this year I have been so busy with work that I don’t have enough time to care for my own house and yard properly. So when I got this email that was asking me to go help somewhere else, it was easy for me to think that I am excused from that obligation, given my circumstances. 

My excuses are real and valid. I’m not making them up. But I thought that I could go for 1 hour in place of the time I planned to exercise. So I put it in my calendar with an alert.

Tuesday (yesterday) right after work, I forgot that I was going to go. I got a carwash and went to the store. While at the store, the alert came and I had 15 minutes to get there. So, I checked out and drove home to change. 

But on my way home, I had to cross the train tracks and everyone around here knows that if a train comes, it might be one of two things – a passenger-commuter train that passes very quickly or a cargo train that passes very slowly. These second types of trains frustrate me because I’m usually in quite a hurry when they pass. As a matter of fact, I’m always in a hurry. So usually I flip around and go another way that has a bridge over the tracks, but this time I was the first person to pull up and it was too late for me to turn around because the red lights came on suddenly, crossbars came down, and cars pulled up behind me before I could make any other decision. So I was stuck there for at least 5 minutes while the slowest and longest train you can imagine passed. The Stake Farm assignment was at 6pm and it was exactly 6:01. I just took out my phone and started reading something while waiting. It was one of those “oh well” moments.

Finally, the train finished passing, and I was on my way. At home, I changed into shorts and a t-shirt, sprayed on some mosquito repellant, fed my cats, went to the bathroom, drank some water, plugged in my earpods, and left. About 6:20pm. I remember the email saying it was the field located south of the POND. I wasn’t sure if there were multiple fields and if this was a different one than I had been to before. I decided to watch for this pond. I went up 2200 West, passed the field I had worked at before, but didn’t see any pond. I checked the email again and couldn’t find any more clues. I turned around and decided it must be at the same field. I also saw in the email that we were supposed to bring our own tools. And I had rushed out so quickly that I forgot my gloves. So, I went home and got a hand shovel and my gloves, and returned to the field.

During this whole time, my thoughts were:  Maybe it’s not meant to be that I go help out tonight. I could go next week. I’m way too late. Maybe it’s just from 6-7pm and I’m going to get there so late. But I chose to just keep going anyway. By the time I signed in, it was 6:42pm. 

There were a good 20-30 cars parked and I could see the people scattered throughout the field. The times I came before were not social events. I usually just came and worked on my own, listening to music or a podcast on my headphones, and then left. But there was still comfort in being a part of a larger group getting the work done. 

Even though it was evening, the sun was still beating down. It was still hot. But I’m a cold body, so it was doable. I went out and found some weeds and started my “cherry-picking” exercise. I was listening to a podcast and it was nice. It was so nice because my mind was quiet. I wasn’t stressed out about what I should be or could be doing during that time. I knew I was in the right place. I knew I was pleasing the Lord and that’s really all that matters to me. 

A friend called and the phone call came through on my earpods. I listened to her for a while and didn’t even notice the hard work I was doing. After she hung up, I went back to listening to my podcast and it was nice. The whole thing was just fine. I had planned to help for an hour and I discovered that things didn’t close up at 7pm. I was there until 7:45pm. I had plenty of time to serve and there was plenty for me to do even though I got there late. That was a relief.

And this last thing was the best part and is the reason I’m writing this whole experience down. One of the hardest parts was the heat. After being in the hot sun for a while, it was hard. But somewhere in the middle, some clouds came and covered it, so it cooled down significantly. And when I was leaving, I finally looked up and saw a single big cloud that looked like it was just hanging out in front of the sun, not moving anywhere (see the picture I took). I felt a wave of gratitude, KNOWING this was a tender mercy from God. In the grand scope of things, it was small. But it’s these little things that remind me that he is aware of me (and everyone else in that field) and is going to do things to reduce the intensity of the sacrifice. Not completely take away, but make it manageable. 

And I don’t want him to completely take away the need for me to sacrifice because without my part of it, I can’t experience the Joy. I have found that Peace (from his and other people’s voluntary and loving sacrifice) combined with my own voluntary and loving sacrifice (which I do to provide Peace, comfort, meet needs, etc. for them) equals Joy. I can’t experience Joy if people are just giving to me. And neither can I experience it if I am just giving to others. It’s the combination and the balance that results in the best feeling I’ve ever experienced.

This was crazy for me to write this post. It’s 7:51am and I have to run to work now. But I hope this helps someone out there who needs to be reassured that God is with us. He knows what we’re going through. And he is so good to us. He’s going to share the burdens of our responsibilities with us. We’re on his team and he’s on ours. 

Controlling The Way I Feel

Back in 2006-2009, one of my predominant desires was to get in control of the way that I felt if that were at all possible. I knew that if I could figure out how to do that, it would help with all of my relationships. 

During the previous years - 1994-2005, I had been experiencing more long-term episodes of anxiety and depression. And my anxiety seemed to predominantly manifest itself as anger. 

As I mentioned in previous posts, the first thing the Lord instructed me to do to achieve this goal was to find the balance in my eating and exercising. While this process began in 2000, it became even more important to me in 2006-2009. 

Internal and external guidance

I don’t remember him telling me to trade the sugar and refined grains in for more fruits, vegetables, whole grains, healthy fats, and proteins. I just felt it. The more I sensed his presence in my life, the more sensitive I became to the things that prevented me from sensing it. I learned by trial and error that when I ate empty calorie foods my heart became number to his Spirit.

However, it is true that many years prior to this time in my life, I was instructed to eat and exercise in accordance with my religion’s code of health. In a special blessing I received when I was around sixteen years old, I was promised that if I did that, I wouldn’t suffer from health problems or injury but would be given opportunities to progress. I have this blessing recorded and was reading it fairly often during 2006-2009. So, I think it was always on my mind that balancing my physical processes was key to achieving my other goals.

The science behind eating and happiness

Here is some science behind how food can affect the way we feel. It’s from a post called “Understanding the Science of Eating and Happiness” by Julia Sweeney.

What we’re putting into our bodies has a profound, holistic impact on our emotions.

David A. Kessler, author of The End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite and former head of the FDA, has a name for these calorie-rich, easily digestible foods: They’re hyperpalatable, meaning that they not only go down easy, but they’re engineered to make you want to eat more by triggering a powerful reward conditioning stimulus.

If this sounds like addiction, it is—researchers have found chemical similarities (and similar brain activity) between overeating and other addictive behaviors (doing drugs, gambling, drinking). In an interview with The New Yorker, Dr. Kessler remarked, ‘Conditioned hypereating works the same way as other ‘stimulus response’ disorders in which reward is involved, such as compulsive gambling and substance abuse.’

Here’s the ultimate irony: By seeking these pleasure foods, we’re actually not getting happier. Studies illustrate that women who eat diets rich in “Western” foods—namely “processed or fried foods, refined grains, sugary products, and beer”—are more likely to be depressed than their healthier-eating counterparts.

My own experience validates the science

This was what I found to be true in my own experiences with food. So, it is no surprise that in the first part of my training, the Lord instructed me to “break up” with my relationship with hyperpalatable foods in order to develop a closer relationship with him. Addiction to substances that make us feel good in the moment but paradoxically end in depression is a type of bondage. And he is all about delivering us from these kinds of relationships. 

The reason I liked to eat hyperpalatable foods was that I was turning to them for peace. It was a habit. I was definitely addicted. I learned that I needed to turn to him for my source of peace. As long as I was holding onto food as a crutch, he would not be able to leverage my motivation to help me change some of my other Imbalanced ways of resolving conflicts in my relationships with others.

Breaking up with hyperpalatable foods was really hard for me. But it also brought me the greatest sense of confidence and self-worth. I was thankful for the opportunity to sacrifice because it was a way for me to express how much I preferred his peace to the pseudo peace hyperpalatable foods offered. Through my actions, I was communicating a deeper semantic meaning: I will make room for you in my life.

Spiritual eating - reading, watching, listening

Similarly, I began to experience warnings about what I spiritually consumed – what I read, watched, and listened to. I had already developed an intense sensitivity to books, movies, and music that had inappropriate sexual content and references. But I also became aware that there were other things that were just wasting my time and the Lord’s time. I remember watching a movie with my kids that turned out to be extremely silly. It was so stupid that I felt like spiritually puking. 

How I spent my time was also being edited. I couldn’t just do anything and feel happy and complete. I needed to prayerfully consider the commitments I got myself into and my daily plans. This training in tightening up my self-control and daily habits happened incrementally over these years.

Rules & boundaries bring purpose & self-respect

This might seem like too many rules and boundaries for a lot of people. But for me, it was exactly what I needed and wanted. I needed to belong somewhere. I needed purpose and self-respect. And I had told Heavenly Father in prayer that I wanted to come to know Jesus Christ better. I told him I wanted to gain control over the way that I felt. And I wanted to be of service to him in whatever way he needed me. 

Because I expressed those desires to him, he began to show me the pathway I needed to take in order to obtain them. There is an inherent process to obtain every desire. There are many things about that process that I have been able to choose according to my preferences. But there are other things that I cannot choose. I need to get myself in alignment with them.

Learning about the laws and boundaries he set for me delighted me. Having expectations of me meant that he cared about me and valued me. I loved the challenge they presented. By 2009, I had gained much more control over how I felt. I understood the mechanisms that affected my emotions and how to work through them. This didn’t mean that I was never hurt or upset. Trials and adversity from my various relationships continued to pour down upon me. It was that I now had the tools to troubleshoot the issues when they arose. Some were tougher to resolve than others. 

Daily turning to the Lord for my physical and spiritual nourishment instead of turning to hyperpalatable foods (both physical and spiritual) has continued to be the key to controlling my ability to respond to the conflicts that arise in my relationship with others in balance. His personalized nourishment empowers me to view disappointments from a more objective perspective so that I don't feel trapped by things outside of my control. And that empowers me to control my response process even in the face of other people's imbalanced behaviors. When I keep my response process balanced, I maintain control over the way that I feel. I'm not always at the top of my game with these abilities, but in general, I am far ahead of where I used to be. And that has made all the difference in the quality of my life.

Just Another Day with Music

I have always been deeply affected by music, especially music with lyrics about sincere relationships. This includes traditional romance songs, songs about family relationships and friendships, and songs about our relationship with God.

A lot of people ask me how I am able to connect with the Lord enough to experience his atoning love so sustainably. They want to know how they can more fully rely on him. In this post, I hope to address one major way that happens for me. 

Songs for the River

When I was a senior in high school, my sister was dating Craig Savage (who is now her husband). She had gone on a river rafting trip with him. While on the river, she fell out of the raft and was sucked into a siphon (whirlpool). She was underwater for so long that she thought this was it for her. She describes it as a seriously scary experience. Craig was shaken by it as well. While on his mission, he sent her an instrumental song from the album Songs for the River by Roger Hoffman. He recorded his voice over it reenacting the event. It was somewhat funny because Craig has a sense of humor. But as a 17-year-old girl, I thought it was better than receiving roses. It really touched me – both the humor and his taking the time to express how much he cared for her.

Listening to Seminary Records in the 70s

Another experience with music was in the 70s when I was around six or seven years old. My older step-siblings brought home a record from seminary called Like Unto Us. I listened to it over and over again not because I understood what it was singing about but because of the way it made me feel. I remember experiencing this tingly feeling in my heart.

This was my favorite song on that album. It's a remake of the original: That We May Know 

Listening to EFY Cassette Tapes in the 80s

When I was a teenager in the 80s, our church group traveled by bus from San Jose, California to Brigham Young University in Provo, Utah for a youth conference, which was like EFY for our entire stake. I went when I was fourteen and again when I was seventeen. These conferences consisted of activities, dances, and workshops. They brought so much light into my life. As a teen, I was never happier than when I went to them. 

Steven Kapp Perry spoke to us at the second Youth Conference. He was probably in his mid-20s or early 30s. He is the son of Janice Kapp Perry, an American composer, songwriter, and author. I listened to her music and sang (in a group) many of her songs for church activities like New Beginnings.

During Steven Kapp Perry’s presentation at our Youth Conference, he spoke and sang to us. He was beautiful! Everything about him attracted me. He believed in Jesus Christ and I could tell that he walked the talk. Spiritually, he was light. I bought his cassette tape from the BYU bookstore. 

On the way home to California, I listened to it over and over again. I could not get enough of it. I was worshipping God through the music. I wouldn’t have been able to describe it like that back then. I was just following my heart and it was filled with a powerfully strong Spirit. I remember being surprised when someone asked me to turn it off. I thought everyone loved it as much as I did. I did turn it off, but when I got home, I continued listening to this music as well as music from other Christian artists over and over again.

Worshipping Through Music

Throughout my years growing up, I did not like the idea of worshipping anyone. Even when I read about people worshipping in the scriptures, it seemed pretty awkward to me. But I didn’t understand what worship really was. I didn’t know that playing a certain artist’s music over and over again and taping up their pictures all over my walls was a type of worship. When I was thirteen, this is how much I loved Duran Duran and especially Simon LeBon.

I only started to recognize these things in 2006-8, when I came to understand that worshipping is an integral part of my happiness. I would have never thought that I needed and desired to do it. But I totally do. I just need to have someone worthy of my worship always in front of my eyes (both physical and spiritual).

And I’m not the one who decides who is worthy of it. My heart decides that. I can choose what I read, who I read about, what I listen to, what I look at, and what I watch, but I can’t force my heart to worship. It just does or doesn’t. I can definitely choose to search for the good in people and things. And what never fails to make my heart take flight is when I see Jesus Christ in them. Through experience, I have learned where I’m more likely to find Him.

Read more about worship: Why Worship?

Listening to Amy Grant CDs in the 90s

In college, my roommate Susan Lund introduced me to Amy Grant’s music. Amy Grant worships God in her music and I found an intense connection with it. For more than 30 years, I have been singing along with her. When my kids were babies I sang these songs to them. I went to her concert with a friend when she came to Denver in 1998. I sang every song with her. Amy Grant helped me develop stronger wings so I could worship God at a higher level. 

One of my favorite songs by her is Emmanuel. 

Listening to MP3s in the 2000s

As mentioned before, in 2006-08, I was studying the concept of worship for the first time. This is when I first realized that I was worshipping God through music. I then purposefully and knowingly used it to worship the Savior directly. Instead of just singing about him, I sang to him. As he was re-training me and teaching me higher-level relationship skills, I was so intensely grateful for the way he managed me and the way he loved me. It was seriously incredible. And I needed some way to release that appreciation, so I just sang to him. This brought me intense joy. 

When I was driving kids around, shopping, or running errands I started listening to the music my kids were listening to on the radio, and then I added certain MP3s to my iPod. There were a lot of really good songs that had come out between 2000 and 2006. They were like gold to me. I searched for the semantic meaning behind the lyrics and translated them in my mind and sometimes in my journal. I used them to worship the Savior. 

The intensity of his presence in my mind and heart increased dramatically throughout these years and as a result, what came out of me was this unique rejoicing-worship. The Reason by Hoobastank is an example of one of these 2000s songs.

The Reason

That's why I need you to hear

I've found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

And the reason is you…

Listening to Music on Spotify in the 2020s

The song I have been listening to over and over again for the past two weeks on Spotify that just popped up in the "Recommended Songs" one day is called, Just Another Day by Jon Secada. I recognized it from the 90s, but this is the first time I really paid attention to it. I literally can't listen to it too many times. That only happens with a few songs. 

I translated this love song into a worship song. The semantic message I’m communicating to the Savior and that he’s echoing back to me is that my work/life balance is getting off again. I’ve been spending too much time on work and school and not enough on our relationship. If I don’t take enough time for this, I start feeling lonely even if I’ve been interacting with a ton of other people.

Just Another Day

(Mornings are long)

(When you come home, I breathe a little faster)

Every time we’re together

It’d never be the same

If you're not here

How can you stay away?

Away, so long?

Why can't we stay together?

Just give me a reason, give me a reason

'Cause I, I don't wanna say it

I don't wanna find another way

Make it through the day without you

I can't resist

Trying to find exactly what I missed

It's just another day without you

It's just another day

Making the time

(Find the right lines)

To make you stay forever

What do I have to tell you?

I'm just trying to hold on to something

(Trying to hold on to something good) 

Give us a chance to make it

To make it

Don’t wanna hold on to never

I'm not that strong, I'm not that strong!

I don't wanna say it

I don't wanna find another way

Make it through the day without you

Precious as Diamonds

Every song he has used to communicate with me is more precious than diamonds. And the songs keep coming. They literally spiritually nourish my spirit like food nourishes my body. 

I know that music is important to a lot of people and that many are using it in the same way I have been. To those who are struggling with their communication relationship with God, I hope that this post gives greater evidence to the fact that this is a powerful way to communicate with Him. 

Listen for the messages he is sending you through the songs you listen to. Then translate them to represent the stories you are walking through with the people in your life (Spin the Lyrics). Allow your heart to express the love you're feeling for your spouse, your kids, your friends, and especially for God. Your admiration and gratitude for them will turn into Sustainable Joy.

“For my soul delighteth in the song of the heart; yea, the song of the righteous is a prayer unto me, and it shall be answered with a blessing upon their heads.” -D&C 25:12

The Word

There are so many words in the English language and in every other language on the earth. Behind all languages is a united semantic meaning. We just use words to describe the meaning that independently exists. These are the words I have used to describe the Semantic Meaning I was being shown.

Adversity = Abuse/Neglect X Random vs. Intentional

Random = Unconscious or Ignorant (lack of knowledge) or Natural Disasters, Accidents

Intentional = Having knowledge, purposeful, selfish

Sorrow = Fear/Depression

Abuse and Neglect cause Fear and Depression

When we Abuse ourselves or others we experience Fear.

When we Neglect ourselves or others we experience Depression.

Abuse = Processing beyond the NW Threshold

Neglect = Processing below the NE Threshold

Love = Processing within the Northern Threshold or Zone

Love = Mercy

Mercy = Justice/Time

Love = Faith/Sacrifice

Love causes Peace and Energy.

Joy = Peace/Energy

Sustainable Love = Sustainable Joy

Northern Desire = Hope

NW Desire = Demand

NE Desire = Apathy

Northern Process = Love = Faith/Sacrifice

Faith = Receiving Peace from Others' Sacrifices

Faith = Experience the Flow of Energy inward

Sacrifice = Giving Peace through Sacrifice for Others

Sacrifice = Experience the Flow of Energy outward

NW Process = Abuse = Too little Faith/Too much Sacrifice

Abuse = Force Others to Sacrifice to give you Peace

Abuse = Experience too Intensely the Flow of Energy outward and not enough inward = Stress, Anxiety, Fear

NE Process = Neglect = Too much Faith/Too little Sacrifice

Neglect = Don't Sacrifice enough to give others Peace

Neglect = Experience Energy pooled up and stagnant = Boredom, Lethargy, Depression

Southern Evaluation = Remembrance 

Remembrance X Success = Confidence/Gratitude

Remembrance X Failure = Empathy/Humility

SE/SW Evaluation X Success = Pride/Envy

SE/SW Evaluation X Failure = Toxic Shame/Toxic Blame

SE Success/Failure Evaluation = Pride/Toxic Shame -> NW Desire + Process = Demand/Abuse

SW Success/Failure Evaluation = Envy/Toxic Blame -> NE Desire + Process = Apathy/Neglect

Pride Effects = False sense of Importance and Success, You think you're better than others, you are happy that others are failing because it means that you're winning (you are ahead of them).

Envy Effects = False sense that your conditions are unfair because others have Success. Feel sorry for yourself when others succeed, have Resources you don't.

Resources = talents, gifts, abilities, natural resources, skills, knowledge, strengths

Toxic Shame Process = False perception of your Weaknesses and Failures. A Fixed Mindset that you are responsible for all Failures. Fixed Mindset that there is nothing you can do about mistakes, Failures. You see yourself as a Failure instead of the Process. You can't separate the two. You can't see that there are other Causes invovled.

Toxic Shame Effects = Insecurity, Inhibition, Low Self-esteem, feel worthless

Toxic Blame Process = False perception of other people's Weaknesses and Failures. A Fixed Mindset that they are responsible for all your Failures. The false perception that you have to rely completely on others for your success and they are failing you.  You see them as the Failure instead of the Process or Circumstances. You can't separate the two. You can't see that there is something you can do to change your Results.

Toxic Blame Effects = Anger, Irritation, Annoyance

Results X Success = Resource, abilities, talents, skills, knowledge

Cause = A person who has Success Results

Results X Failure = Weaknesses, disabilities, ignorance, DESIRE

Child = A person who presently has Failure Results

Remembrance X Success or Confidence Process = Objective understanding of the Resources you have to Sacrifice for others. Understanding of your responsibilities. To whom much is given, much is required.

Others = Children/Causes 

Children/Causes in Northern Threshold = Servants/Partners

NW/NE - SE/SW Children/Causes = Slaves/Competitors

Remembrance X Success or Gratitude Process = Objective understanding of the Resources others are Sacrificing for you. Thankfulness when they fulfill their responsibility to you. The realization that they experience Joy when they are able to Sacrifice for you.

Remembrance X Failure or Humility Process = Objective understanding of your lack of Resources to provide for your needs and to Sacrifice for others. Acknowledgment of your dependence on other Causes who have Resources. Growth Mindset - there is a time and space for you to get it right, to learn, to achieve, to develop the Resources you desire.

Remembrance X Failure or Empathy Process = Objective understanding that others lack the Resources that you have. Growth Mindset that they are in a temporary state, which can be changed. Willingness to be a part of that change. Remembering that you also have Failures and Weaknesses that you are still working on. Remembering that in the past you had similar Failures and through time and experience as well as the assistance of others, the Failures have been turned into Successes.

Failure - A term and concept used in Pride/Envy + Toxic Shame/Blame Evaluation with Fixed Mindset to suggest Eternal Worthlessness.

Failure - A term and concept used in Confidence/Humility + Empathy/Gratitude Evaluation with a Growth Mindset to suggest a Temporary Setback which can be changed into Desire and Opportunity through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

Shields Up! Part 3

Learning to strengthen my shields was like reconstructing my spiritual genetic code. And my spiritual genetic code is my mindset. Before the Savior retrained me, I was trapped in a mindset that said I shouldn't feel hurt by what others did to me. I thought that the fact that I was hurt meant that I was a failure.

This post is the third part of a three-part post. If you haven't already, read these posts first:

Shields Up! Part 1

Shields Up! Part 2

Finding the Balance in Evaluation

In evaluating my past to understand why I used to Turn and Revile Again, I was getting all knotted up in Toxic Shame. I knew I shouldn't have responded in that way, but I didn't know how else to handle the extremely painful feelings. I didn't understand that it was okay to feel hurt. It was okay to objectively realize that part of the cause of my pain was someone else's behavior. That was not wrong.

I learned that I had to acknowledge the reality of the pain first. People do have the power to hurt each other. And I needed someone else to acknowledge and empathize with my pain. This had to be someone whose judgment I trusted. For me, that was the Lord. 

When he told me that he knew how badly someone else's words or behavior had hurt me and that I was justified in feeling the way I did, I felt so validated. His empathy healed me. But he didn't stop there. He went on to strengthen my shields.

He showed me that there was "a space between stimulus and response." I had a choice to make. Would I Turn and Revile Again or would I stop myself, receive the pain, go to the Savior and cry, but not give it back? If I did return reviling for reviling, that would usually result in more reviling from the other person. And of course, the abuse would have to escalate by degrees the more we hurt each other. How could this response process resolve my conflicts? The answer was that it couldn't. It just made them worse. Learning this bit of knowledge really increased my intelligence, which increased my motivation to stop Turning and Reviling Again. I didn't want to engage in such a futile Conflict Resolution Process.

Additional enlightenment came when I focused on God's way of lovingly correcting me. Every time I Abused or Neglected someone else, I lost the Spirit to a certain degree. I felt awful. It was extremely intense. And I didn't like that at all. 

Before this training period started, I didn't understand what was going on. I didn't know God's language well enough. I thought He was communicating to me that I was wrong and the other person was right. I thought it meant that I deserved to be abused but the other person didn't deserve the abuse I was returning. 

This was a conflict with my perception of God's Justice. That was another major weakness in my shields that had to be reconstructed. I had to learn about his Justice. And so the Lord taught me about it. I learned that I lose the Spirit when I Abuse/Neglect (Extreme NW/NE Process) someone else, regardless of what they do to me. Other people lose the Spirit when Abuse/Neglect me, regardless of what I do to them. Since I couldn't see that latter part happening, I thought I was the only one being corrected. 

Because of this weakness in my shields, I thought somewhere in my unconsciousness that God must not be just, which kept me at a distance from him. When I got it all straightened out, I was saved, rescued, healed, and overjoyed!  

The motivation for me to stop myself from Turning and Reviling Again changed: Was it worth it to me to suffer the pain others inflicted upon me without responding to them in kind in order to keep my shields up and keep His Spirit with me?

YES, it was worth it to me to receive the hurt without Turning and Reviling Again. It was worth it to me because of what I found out! Maintaining my shields and keeping his Spirit with me strengthened me against Abuse and Neglect. NW/NE Extreme behaviors didn't hurt so badly. It took time to develop the strength in my shields. I had to continually nourish my relationship with Him, but in time I became INVINCIBLE! No, just kidding. But my boundaries against the mean things other people said and did have increased incrementally over time. And that has changed who I am. I have become someone different. I started liking myself a lot more. I started liking other people a lot more. I found myself enjoying the challenge of holding isometric in the face of all kinds of Imbalanced Behaviors. My kids' behavior presented a great training ground for me. 

I still can be hurt, especially when I start slacking in my relationship with the Lord, but I've learned how to hold my sharp tongue (for the most part) and to keep my emotions and pain between him and me until I can constructively work out the conflicts that arise with others.

When I read the following scriptures after learning about how his Justice works, I finally understood what he wanted me to do when things didn't go my way. And I understood the rewards he has already put in place for those that maintained the Northern Balance and for those who continuously chose to maintain the NW/NE Extreme Imbalance.

“But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.” ~Matthew 5:44-45

“We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, and not for Adam’s [or any other man's] transgression.” Article of Faith 2

Listen: "He Showed Me How" by David Archuleta

Knowledge and wisdom passed down by a loving and compassionate teacher are the keys to "bring out the prisoners from the prison."

The first part of the following scripture describes me "before" my training. The second part describes the knowledge he gave me and how valuable it has been to me. Each concept he has taught me has been very much like a precious gemstone.

“O thou afflicted, tossed with tempest, and not comforted; behold, I will lay thy stones with fair colours, and lay thy foundations with sapphires.” ~Isaiah 54:11

Shields Up! Part 2

Neglect: The Opposite of Abuse
I have used the word Abuse as a synonym for reviling. And Abuse is the main word I’ve chosen to use in my writing to describe the NW Imbalance. So, technically Abuse is combining with someone else in a way that hurts them. It is adding a stimulus. It is a sin of Commission.

This post is the second part of a three-part post. If you haven't already, read this post first: Shields Up! Part 1

The opposite of Abuse is Neglect. Technically, Neglect is separating from someone else in a way that hurts them. It is subtracting a stimulus. It is a sin of Omission.

I learned that people could use Neglect to hurt me. The reason behind that is that we all need love. Love is spiritual nourishment. We need it as much as we need food and water for physical nourishment. We cannot spiritually live without it. So without love, we experience Sorrow. And that hurts.

Those who are responsible for our care have the responsibility to physically and spiritually love us. In this way, they care for our body and spirit. So if they Neglect doing this for us, they leave us in a vulnerable place. We are excessively exposed to injury and reviling. Our shields are not fully functional. We have more sensitivities. We’re easily hurt by others who Abuse and Neglect us. 

Negligence also includes neglecting to teach us relationship skills and to train us how to stand steadfast in Christ, which powers our shields. The combination of both ignorance (as a result of Negligent training) and Abuse results in a high level of vulnerability - shields down.

Degrees of Intensity

The Lord would often show me diagrams in my mind to teach me. He showed me something like the diagram to the right and taught me there are degrees of intensity for both Abuse and Neglect. Not only can others Abuse me by degrees, but they could also Neglect me by degrees. 

And of course, I could do this to others. But He had to help me understand what was done to me first so he could heal me - re-parent me. The result was that I turned around and was able to love my kids from my heart. My sacrifice became intentional and voluntary. I was able to bear their burdens without reacting to their Imbalanced Processes.

What is Love Anyway?

Have you ever studied the semantic concept of Love? That word was pretty confusing to me because of all the definitions out there. But this is what the Lord showed me: The balance between Abuse and Neglect is Love. Love includes standing steadfast in Christ in the face of other people's Abuse and Neglect. It is giving Mercy to those who hurt me instead of doing what comes naturally.

He taught me that love was also about training and giving appropriate consequences. He said that sometimes I should disapprove and correct my children's behavior. In Mercy sometimes I should separate them from the family and put them in timeout.

I asked him how I would know when I crossed the line to Abuse or Neglect. That took Him time to explain to me. We’ll get to that somewhere in the next few posts. For now, just know that it's not wrong to Combine or Separate in order to resolve conflicts. It just doesn't resolve them when we combine or separate contrary to the Holy Ghost's guidance. Combining too much is Abuse. Separating too much is Neglect.

With this information, we can see that most of us were Abused or Neglected to some degree growing up and we still may be experiencing some of that in our present family relationships. It is the degree of weakness in these critical relationships which causes weakness in our shields. With weak shields, we are more vulnerable to even less intense forms of Adversity. And because our ability to bear Adversity is not too high, we are more likely to Turn and Revile Again when our children misbehave, hurt us, or disobey. And that's just how it is.

Continued in: Shields Up! Part 3

Shields Up! Part 1

I was once overly sensitive to the way people treated me. It was like my shields were down. What they said to me, the names they called me, and other forms of NW/NE Processes hurt me intensely. 

But after I was retrained by the Savior, my shields became fully functional and my spiritual boundaries strengthened against those I did not choose to influence me. And I also became more sensitive to those whom I did choose to influence me.

Once I realized I had the capacity to gain control of this choice, I was able to maintain control of my response process.

When I was younger, I was vulnerable to the way people treated me. That continued into my younger-mother years. I unconsciously saw my kids' misbehavior as the way they were treating me. So this is where the Lord had to start retraining me. 

In the first step of his training, he had me look a little closer at semantic concepts such as Adversity, Sorrow, Abuse, Neglect, Love, Justice, Mercy, and Joy. He instructed me to create a list of synonyms for each of the words we studied and then identify their relationships with each other. 

For example, Abuse is the opposite of Neglect. In between these two concepts is Love. This is the Northern Balance. Then he showed me how semantic meanings vary by degrees. People have come up with different words to describe these variations. But they are all related.

For more on how He showed me to organize these concepts, see: The Semantic Word

All of these treasures of knowledge have been a necessary part of my training to kick the habit of what I like to refer to as Turning and Reviling Again - NW/NE Processes in response to NW/NE Processes. After studying these general concepts, we studied examples of them in history where they were played out. When I understood them, I used them to resolve my relationship conflicts. 

Whether the person who hurt me was a coworker, another driver on the road, a parent, a family member, or especially a child, I used the same core principles that the Lord taught me to resolve the conflict. When I understood them, my shields were strengthened.  In this and the next two blog posts, I am going to talk about some of the first semantic concepts that we went over.

To Revile
To Revile is to criticize, condemn, attack, rail against, slander, vilify, or Abuse. It’s also to knock, slam, badmouth, persecute, or crucify. It can be done physically or verbally. The definition we used in a previous post was: to criticize in an abusive or angrily insulting manner. So this is one of our major sources of Adversity. Abuse - other people reviling us. 

When we say that we Turn and Revile Again, we’re insinuating that we are responding to some kind of Abuse that we received first. The scriptures call this "the first offense." It is just another name or synonym for the word Revile. Note the references in the following verse to the first and second offenses.

“And they were doing that which they felt was the duty which they owed to their God; for the Lord had said unto them, and also unto their fathers, that: Inasmuch as ye are not guilty of the first offense, neither the second, ye shall not suffer yourselves to be slain by the hands of your enemies.” ~Alma 43:46

Being guilty of the first offense basically means that you started the fight.

"The second offense" is a synonym for Turning and Reviling Again. When I understood the meaning behind the first and second offenses, I understood this scripture better.  If the Nephites weren't guilty of starting the fight or reacting with hatred, then they were defending themselves and their families objectively. 

So, I learned a key semantic concept: In some cases, God directs us to defend and protect ourselves objectively. If we seek to resolve conflicts without yielding to emotional knee-jerk-reactions and a desire for vengeance, we can clearly and accurately hear his guidance.

I learned that if I did the same in my relationships with others, I would be able to resolve my relationship conflicts with love and empathy even if it meant I had to make choices my kids, my spouse, or my community did not like.

Not being subject to everyone else's responses to my choices was key for maintaining my balance. It was okay if they did not approve of my choices. The important thing was that God approved of them.

When I understood the semantic meaning of the word Revile and that there were many synonyms for it, I was able to find lots of examples of people dealing with Abuse (Extreme NW Processes) in history, and study how they responded to it. I saw how the Lord counseled them, which I also applied to my own relationships.

Degrees of Reviling
I learned that people could revile me a little or a lot. This is speaking of the degree or intensity of the Adversity. 

Before I originally wrote this post in August 2018, I wrote another post called Turning & Reviling Again. In that post, I described how much it hurt me when my brother told me I was fat. But it was a lesser degree of Adversity when it was just him than when he got all of his friends to tell me I was fat.  

When the Lord was retraining me, he taught me that if more people abused me, the intensity of my pain increased. It would hurt me more.

When my kids misbehaved, it seemed to echo the way I was treated when I was young. I had an intense reaction to it. It was like they were abusing me too. And I had to understand that even when kids treat parents badly, it is a form of abuse. But for them, they are just learning how to resolve their conflicts and obtain their desires in Northern ways. They need time and a steady parent who sets the example for them. But since I didn't have that example or understand the role I needed to play, I just experienced it as abuse.

Also, I examined how people could lightly criticize me or they could go on and on about how wrong I was and how right they were. This meant that higher levels of duration and frequency also increased the intensity of Adversity.

 

Additionally, when those I had relationships with got really specific and detailed in their criticism, the Adversity Intensity would increase. 

Finally, there is one other way that Adversity can be increased: If someone with whom we have developed a deep relationship hurts us, it is especially painful. This is what happened in Jesus' relationship with Judas Iscariot. When someone very close to you betrays you, it is especially painful. 

Learning about the cause of the pain I experienced in my relationships helped me immensely. He was teaching me that my pain was real and that it wasn't the problem. In this way, he validated my feelings and empathized with me. I learned that it was important to understand why I may get intensely upset about something when others thought all I needed to do was to take a chill-pill.

What hurts one person may not phase another. That’s because we value things differently. We're all unique. We all have different weaknesses and sensitivities. Knowing someone else's gives us the knowledge of how to love them better or hate them worse.

In the past, I was not able to take criticism and teasing lightly because my shields were not up. I was allowing everyone to define my value because I didn't have a strong enough relationship with a Cause.

If you have been reading my posts for a while, you know how I define the word Cause. I will define it here for those who haven't. A Cause is a trainer/mentor/provider/evaluator/exemplar. It is someone you trust. You can talk to him (or her) when you are upset and he doesn't make it worse. He makes it better because he knows how to resolve conflicts and obtain desires within the Northern Threshold. He has your back. He knows when to empathize and when to draw the line. The Savior has played this role for me. 

I didn't have a close enough relationship with someone like that until 2006. Once I developed that relationship with Him, my shields became fully functional.

How intensely other people revile us added to how sensitive we are, creates the level of Adversity that we experience.  The level of Adversity I experienced often exceeded my ability to stop myself from Turning and Reviling Again.

If you have been raised with NW/NE parenting and are struggling with parenting yourself and struggling with your emotional balance, I hope that what I have learned will help you strengthen your shields.

Continued in: Shields Up! Part 2