Controlling The Way I Feel

Back in 2006-2009, one of my predominant desires was to get in control of the way that I felt if that were at all possible. I knew that if I could figure out how to do that, it would help with all of my relationships. 

During the previous years - 1994-2005, I had been experiencing more long-term episodes of anxiety and depression. And my anxiety seemed to predominantly manifest itself as anger. 

As I mentioned in previous posts, the first thing the Lord instructed me to do to achieve this goal was to find the balance in my eating and exercising. While this process began in 2000, it became even more important to me in 2006-2009. 

Internal and external guidance

I don’t remember him telling me to trade the sugar and refined grains in for more fruits, vegetables, whole grains, healthy fats, and proteins. I just felt it. The more I sensed his presence in my life, the more sensitive I became to the things that prevented me from sensing it. I learned by trial and error that when I ate empty calorie foods my heart became number to his Spirit.

However, it is true that many years prior to this time in my life, I was instructed to eat and exercise in accordance with my religion’s code of health. In a special blessing I received when I was around sixteen years old, I was promised that if I did that, I wouldn’t suffer from health problems or injury but would be given opportunities to progress. I have this blessing recorded and was reading it fairly often during 2006-2009. So, I think it was always on my mind that balancing my physical processes was key to achieving my other goals.

The science behind eating and happiness

Here is some science behind how food can affect the way we feel. It’s from a post called “Understanding the Science of Eating and Happiness” by Julia Sweeney.

What we’re putting into our bodies has a profound, holistic impact on our emotions.

David A. Kessler, author of The End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite and former head of the FDA, has a name for these calorie-rich, easily digestible foods: They’re hyperpalatable, meaning that they not only go down easy, but they’re engineered to make you want to eat more by triggering a powerful reward conditioning stimulus.

If this sounds like addiction, it is—researchers have found chemical similarities (and similar brain activity) between overeating and other addictive behaviors (doing drugs, gambling, drinking). In an interview with The New Yorker, Dr. Kessler remarked, ‘Conditioned hypereating works the same way as other ‘stimulus response’ disorders in which reward is involved, such as compulsive gambling and substance abuse.’

Here’s the ultimate irony: By seeking these pleasure foods, we’re actually not getting happier. Studies illustrate that women who eat diets rich in “Western” foods—namely “processed or fried foods, refined grains, sugary products, and beer”—are more likely to be depressed than their healthier-eating counterparts.

My own experience validates the science

This was what I found to be true in my own experiences with food. So, it is no surprise that in the first part of my training, the Lord instructed me to “break up” with my relationship with hyperpalatable foods in order to develop a closer relationship with him. Addiction to substances that make us feel good in the moment but paradoxically end in depression is a type of bondage. And he is all about delivering us from these kinds of relationships. 

The reason I liked to eat hyperpalatable foods was that I was turning to them for peace. It was a habit. I was definitely addicted. I learned that I needed to turn to him for my source of peace. As long as I was holding onto food as a crutch, he would not be able to leverage my motivation to help me change some of my other Imbalanced ways of resolving conflicts in my relationships with others.

Breaking up with hyperpalatable foods was really hard for me. But it also brought me the greatest sense of confidence and self-worth. I was thankful for the opportunity to sacrifice because it was a way for me to express how much I preferred his peace to the pseudo peace hyperpalatable foods offered. Through my actions, I was communicating a deeper semantic meaning: I will make room for you in my life.

Spiritual eating - reading, watching, listening

Similarly, I began to experience warnings about what I spiritually consumed – what I read, watched, and listened to. I had already developed an intense sensitivity to books, movies, and music that had inappropriate sexual content and references. But I also became aware that there were other things that were just wasting my time and the Lord’s time. I remember watching a movie with my kids that turned out to be extremely silly. It was so stupid that I felt like spiritually puking. 

How I spent my time was also being edited. I couldn’t just do anything and feel happy and complete. I needed to prayerfully consider the commitments I got myself into and my daily plans. This training in tightening up my self-control and daily habits happened incrementally over these years.

Rules & boundaries bring purpose & self-respect

This might seem like too many rules and boundaries for a lot of people. But for me, it was exactly what I needed and wanted. I needed to belong somewhere. I needed purpose and self-respect. And I had told Heavenly Father in prayer that I wanted to come to know Jesus Christ better. I told him I wanted to gain control over the way that I felt. And I wanted to be of service to him in whatever way he needed me. 

Because I expressed those desires to him, he began to show me the pathway I needed to take in order to obtain them. There is an inherent process to obtain every desire. There are many things about that process that I have been able to choose according to my preferences. But there are other things that I cannot choose. I need to get myself in alignment with them.

Learning about the laws and boundaries he set for me delighted me. Having expectations of me meant that he cared about me and valued me. I loved the challenge they presented. By 2009, I had gained much more control over how I felt. I understood the mechanisms that affected my emotions and how to work through them. This didn’t mean that I was never hurt or upset. Trials and adversity from my various relationships continued to pour down upon me. It was that I now had the tools to troubleshoot the issues when they arose. Some were tougher to resolve than others. 

Daily turning to the Lord for my physical and spiritual nourishment instead of turning to hyperpalatable foods (both physical and spiritual) has continued to be the key to controlling my ability to respond to the conflicts that arise in my relationship with others in balance. His personalized nourishment empowers me to view disappointments from a more objective perspective so that I don't feel trapped by things outside of my control. And that empowers me to control my response process even in the face of other people's imbalanced behaviors. When I keep my response process balanced, I maintain control over the way that I feel. I'm not always at the top of my game with these abilities, but in general, I am far ahead of where I used to be. And that has made all the difference in the quality of my life.

Shake It Off!

After getting married in December 1990, I experienced one of my first long-term episodes of depression. I had thought that once my dream of marriage came true, happily ever after would then occur. But that didn’t happen. I could not figure out what was wrong with me. I chastised myself in my journal. I wrote that I should feel happy and felt ashamed for not being able to be more grateful and positive. But I couldn’t Shake It Off. 

Toxic Shame

In essence, I was blaming myself. Blaming myself is an evaluation process. Blaming myself too much is taking too much responsibility for a failure* and not recognizing that there are also other causes involved. Blaming myself too much results in Toxic Shame. 

*Failure - I use this term to represent when anything is going wrong or is not where I want it to be regardless of who or what is to blame. I’m not saying I am a failure because I experienced depression. I use the term objectively.

My motivation behind attributing the cause of failure to myself is that I like to be in control of things, especially over how I feel. If I can find the cause of failure in my choices, that’s easy for me to change. I just have to figure out what it is and then work to change it. Success, then, replaces the failure. And I have to admit that I am a success junky. Toxic Shame isn’t about taking upon myself the responsibility to change. That’s actually a good thing. Toxic Shame is when:

• I take on more of the burden than I can handle 
• I try to change things about myself that shouldn’t be changed
• I try to change things about myself that I don’t yet (and in some cases will never) have the ability to change.

Toxic Blame

Blaming others or attributing the cause of the failure to sources outside of my control is also an evaluation process. And objectively it is true that most failures have multiple causes. Blaming other sources too much as the cause of failure and not recognizing that there are things that I have control over is Toxic Blame. I am motivated to engage in Toxic Blame evaluation about specific failed events or relationships that:

• Are in the past and I can do nothing about now
• I don’t know how to resolve the conflict
• I have worked hard and long to resolve a conflict and it’s still not resolving. 

Attributing too much of the cause to sources outside of my control leads to missed opportunities for growth, change, and personal development.

I now believe that when I blamed myself for my state of depression as a newlywed, I was diverging into Toxic Shame. Because I didn’t know then what I do now, this is understandable. But how I was evaluating the cause of my depression reminds me of an incident in high school.  

My coach told me to Shake It Off!

It was my sophomore year and I was on the softball team. At one of my home games at Santa Teresa High School, I was a runner on third base. My coach gave me the sign to steal home base if the pitcher tried to catch the runner at first from stealing second. She did and I took off for home. The other team recovered the ball and threw it home. From the sidelines, my coach shouted, “Down!” This meant to slide. We had practiced sliding for several weeks so I knew what to do, and I loved doing it. I slid into home base just as the catcher caught the ball. “Safe!” the umpire called. I got up and walked off the field, my coach patting me on the back. 

Standing on the sidelines at the end of the batting order, I felt a pain in my right knee. I walked around, stretching and flexing. My coach noticed and asked if I was okay. I said, “yeah.” He told me to Shake It Off. So, I tried. After the inning, I grabbed my glove and went back out to my position in left field. The pain was increasing, rather than decreasing. “What was wrong?” I wondered. “Why couldn’t I just Shake It Off?” There was no apparent injury – no cut, no blood, no bones sticking out. And I could walk. Usually, when I had collisions in softball, soccer, or hide-and-go-seek, my body hurt at first but then the pain would go away after a few minutes. But this wasn’t going away. Finally, my coach saw I was struggling and took me out of the game. 

A little while later, my mom picked me up from the school parking lot and brought me to the emergency room. The x-rays showed that I had not broken anything but had strained the ligaments in my right knee pretty badly. I had to wear a brace and use crutches for the next six weeks.

Trying to Shake Off spiritual strains

So back to the newlywed story I started with: After I was married in 1990 and was in my senior year at BYU, I felt like something had been spiritually strained, but I didn’t know what. Nothing bad had apparently happened. Only good. I just got married, for heaven’s sake! It’s only in retrospect as I have analyzed my past experiences with wiser eyes that I have been able to more accurately evaluate what was going on. 

And as I said, in my journal I tried to write happy thoughts, express my gratitude for my husband and my life, and think of some things about me that I could change to make things better. This was my attempt to Shake It Off. In the past, I might have felt sad about something specific that happened. Usually, I would understand why I was sad because the reasons were apparent. And the subsequent sad feelings were normally fleeting. I would rebalance after a short period of time. This time, however, there didn’t seem to be any cause for the sad feelings. I didn’t know what to change and I couldn’t Shake It Off.

All I could do was pray for help. And help did come in time. It wasn’t much longer before we moved from our first apartment to a little blue house next door to a family in our ward – Dennis and Susie Shaver and their four children. They were the ones who told us about the house and encouraged us to move in. We developed a close friendship with them. I interacted with Susie a lot and loved babysitting or just hanging out with her kids who were always coming over to our house.

Our relationship with this family made a big difference for me. The depression significantly decreased. I never imagined additional good relationships were what I needed. Note: I didn’t need toxic relationships with people who treated me like crap. I needed relationships with people who were examples and who were compassionate, patient, and kind. Susie and Dennis were.

The influence of attainable goals on depression

After I had Aaron, my first baby in October 1992, I started walking with Susie early mornings. This got me up, out of the house, and back to exercising. When the weather turned cold that Fall, we walked along the indoor track in the Smith Field House at BYU. That’s when I first saw and heard the intramural aerobics classes. The music was loud and dance-inducing. I wanted to join in, but I felt intimidated. I didn’t think I could do it because of memories of awkward, uncoordinated, failed dance lessons when I was a teen. But after listening to the music for a few weeks, I decided that it had to be done. And I thought that if I started at the beginning of the semester, it might be easier to learn.

After the new year - January 1993, I started on the back row with 2-month-old Aaron in his mint-green car seat right behind me. I was nervous about being able to keep up with what I thought would be a complicated routine. But I soon found out that while it was hard, it was doable. I realized that I actually craved the challenge to get the steps down flawlessly while keeping up with the instructor and the beat. She taught us in a way that enabled our success. The music was so fun and motivating. I absolutely loved it! I went 3-4 nights a week. Over time I was able to leave Aaron home with my husband and go on my own. Over a six-month period, I graduated from the back row to the front. I told some of my friends at church about it and soon I had a car full of women coming with me. With this activity and a healthier diet, I lost all of my pregnancy weight.

Healed from my first episode of depression 

I didn’t realize at the time but looking back I can see that the depression decreased and then entirely went away because of the Shavers, the aerobics instructor, my fellow aerobic-eers, and the successful achievement of my goals. Reflecting upon these people enables me to see the atonement of Jesus Christ in action for me. They were answers to my prayers. They brought light, excitement, motivation, and joy back into my life.

Faith is not to have a perfect knowledge

Knowing this about myself, I am able to troubleshoot other persistent incidents of depression that come up in my present life. I believe applying things that are known, seen, and apparent to other situations where things are presently unknown, unseen, and not apparent is what the following scripture on faith means:

“Faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true.” ~Book of Mormon, Alma 32:21

I have learned that these things are true:

• I need loving and compatible relationships that give me enough of an opportunity to serve and be served. If I am too much alone or that opportunity is not great enough, I experience depression.
• I need to have goals that challenge me enough to develop the skills and talents I value. Even if I’m very busy, if I’m not working on developing a talent I value or one that I sense the Lord wants me to work on, I get bored and depressed.

My specific life circumstances have changed since then. My relationships have changed. But the principles I learned about myself are still applicable. If I’m experiencing depression and can’t Shake It Off, I know what I need to do and what I need to ask for.

Why Worship?

When I was younger, I didn’t really warm up to the idea of worshipping someone. It made me feel uneasy when I thought of it. I think it’s because if we worship someone who turns around and abuses and neglects us in Pride, our inclination to worship turns into Envy or Fear. I don’t like to Envy people. I stay away from people I fear. And I don’t like to be treated with Pride either. And that happened all too often for me. When I admire someone’s strengths, gifts, or talents, I don’t want it to be about jealousy, fear, or shame that I don’t have what they have or that they are going to take advantage of me. I want it to be about appreciation, love, respect, and gratitude. And it usually includes learning from this person how to develop the same strengths, gifts, or talents.

Being able to evaluate accurately the strengths, gifts, and talents that others have is a strength in and of itself. How could we value them if we did not have the gift of spiritual sight and appreciation? And of what value are strengths, gifts and talents if they are not honestly accepted and appreciated by at least one other person?

I didn’t realize until a number of years ago that worshipping someone was an integral part of my happiness. I had come to a point in my life where I didn’t really admire anyone. I mean I admired certain qualities and characteristics of others here and there but there wasn’t any one person whom I just stood back and went, “Whoa, that is ultimate beauty!” No one really made my heart sing. I didn’t realize at that time that I wanted and needed it to sing more than anything else in the world. My focus was mainly on developing my own strengths, gifts, and talents and wanting to be appreciated for them. But regardless of many years spent on these goals, I was not reaching any kind of fulfillment. I have come to understand that not knowing well enough anyone with a sufficient level of the qualities I deeply admired was the cause of my non-fulfillment. But at the time, I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I just wasn’t happy. Waves of depression would sometimes wash over me for no apparent reason. And this became more frequent as time went by, no matter how much I tried to develop my own strengths, gifts, and talents.

It was around the years 2003-2004 (about 32-34 years old) when these questions and thoughts came frequently into my mind: “Who is Jesus Christ?  You say that you worship him. You’ve taken upon you his name through baptism. But who is he? Do you really know what you worship?”

“Ye worship ye know not what: we know what we worship: for salvation is of the Jews. But the hour cometh, and now is, when the true worshippers shall worship the Father in spirit and in truth: for the Father seeketh such to worship him.” ~John 4:22-23

“For unto such hath God promised his Spirit. And they who worship him, must worship in spirit and in truth.” ~JST John 4:26 (see footnote a)

That’s when I started studying him more directly. I made the New Testament apart of my daily scripture study. I had been reading “The Kingdom and the Crown” series by Gerald Lund, which helped me understand the New Testament much better. It gave me the background on the individual groups of people in Jesus’ society such as the Pharisees, Sadducees, Publicans, Scribes, Lawyers, Priests, etc. These all can be summarized into the Jewish Leadership of his day. They were the Causes of the Jewish world masquerading as the Priesthood Leadership chosen by God. So with this foundational understanding, I was able to see much better what Jesus was up against. Seeing his opposition, enabled me to see his strength and all I could do was marvel at it. Whoa, that is ultimate beauty! 

He was like a professional baseball player hitting home-runs off of every curve ball he was pitched. Some people like to watch a lot of professional sports. And I will admit that it is quite enjoyable to watch the performance of individuals who have developed a high level of proficiency in a given talent. But to watch the performance of a Man-God who has developed a high level of proficiency in the talent of humanity—relationships, the soul, the life, how to handle the Tempter’s Pride and Envy without deviating from Confidence and Humility, and all that means the most to every living being on this earth—is the climax of my entire existence.

It was like reading a story about a character that inspired me to the point of changing my entire life. I saw Him going through trials that were intensely difficult and no one around him knew just how difficult they were. But I did. I knew he was the Son of God, the Savior of the World and many of those he came to save were treating him like dirt. I knew the behind the scenes story. I knew his value and saw how people should be listening to  him. He came to heal them, teach them, warn them, show them. But many treated him with disrespect, contempt or just completely ignored him. Many eventually had the gall to kill him. Yet they owed him their lives. And can you believe they had the TOTAL BLESSING of seeing him perform IN PERSON? IN PERSON!!! What lucky bums! And did they worship him? Oh, how I wish my life were in his days! I’m hoping that I was watching him from heaven and some day I will be able to remember it in all of its glorious details.

“Your father Abraham rejoiced to see my day: and he saw it, and was glad.” ~John 8:56

“For verily I say unto you, That many prophets and righteous men have desired to see those things which ye see, and have not seen them; and to hear those things which ye hear, and have not heard them.” ~Matthew 13:17

“And now we only wait to hear the joyful news declared unto us by the mouth of angels, of his coming; for the time cometh, we know not how soon. Would to God that it might be in my day; but let it be sooner or later, in it I will rejoice.” ~Alma 13:25

“Dearest children, holy angels
Watch your actions night and day,
And they keep a faithful record
Of the good and bad you say.” 
~Dearest Children, God Is Near You

In reading his story in the New Testament, I watched how he responded to all this. I saw how he didn’t force his identity upon them or force them to appreciate what he was doing for them. He just continued to do everything he was sent to do in love and compassion. Yet there were times when he censured certain people. He corrected them. But knowing him, I knew he was doing that out of love for them (like a good father would), not out of self-protection or Pride/Envy resentment. He knew the direction they were headed. He knew the hell they were going to live in for eternity if they kept going on that pathway. It was his eternal motivation to save them from living in that hell eternally while still allowing them to retain their agency.

With the gift of the Holy Ghost I was able to liken his opposition to my own. I saw that people were still acting like the Jewish Leadership of his day. I was being thrown curve balls similar to the ones that he was thrown. It’s important to recognize this to be able to understand why I feel the way I do when others treat me with Pride/Envy—Abuse/Neglect (even when it is subtly and fiery-snake-ally done) and to know what I should do in response. So when I saw how Jesus felt about them and then how he responded to them, I was able to liken that to how I felt and how I could respond to them. This was the beginning of the escape from my prison. He showed me how to get out. He unlocked the door for me. His truth made me free.

“And the Lord said unto Moses, Make thee a fiery serpent, and set it upon a pole: and it shall come to pass, that every one that is bitten, when he looketh upon it, shall live. And Moses made a serpent of brass, and put it upon a pole, and it came to pass, that if a serpent had bitten any man, when he beheld the serpent of brass, he lived.” ~Numbers 21:8-9

“We need women who can detect deception in all of its forms.” ~Bonnie L. Oscarson

“I the Lord have called thee in righteousness, and will hold thine hand, and will keep thee, and give thee for a covenant of the people, for a light of the Gentiles; To open the blind eyes, to bring out the prisoners from the prison, and them that sit in darkness out of the prison house.” ~Isaiah 42:6-7

Listen:  “He Showed Me How” by David Archuleta

In 2006 (35-36 years old) when I started studying the structure of story, I remember seeing two distinct stories or structures emerging in my mind:  The Pride Story and then His story (I think I called this the Truth Story). Subsequently I’ve named it all kinds of other things like Desire Obtainment, Conflict Resolution, Paradoxical Living, Summarization and Expansion, Faith/Sacrifice/Confidence/Humility, Balance, the Heart Compass, the Zone, the Threshold, the Safe Place, Mercy—the balance between Justice and Time, the Covenant or Commitment, Steadfastness and Change, and the Servant—CPER X Days 1-7. These are all the concepts I write about. And it is all in efforts to describe the dynamic balanced nature of our Savior Jesus Christ that has been slowly but surely taking form in my mind. At one point I recognized I was actually studying the Atonement of Jesus Christ and he was showing it to me in a way I had never seen it before. The scriptures were the predominant text but then with all my endless questions, He took it and showed me himself from a perspective that was so amazingly beautiful that I couldn’t even believe someone this wonderful existed!

“Can't close my eyes
I'm wide awake
Every hair on my body
Has got a thing for this place
Oh, empty my heart
I've got to make room for this feeling
So much bigger than me” 

~“Can’t Take It In” by Imogen Heap”

“This constant contrast [the dynamic balance of her Son] before her eyes only deepened in the heart of Mary the ever-present impression of ‘all those matters’ [sayings], of which she was the most cognisant. She was learning to spell out the word Messiah, as each of ‘those matters’ taught her one fresh letter in it, and she looked at them all in the light of the Nazareth-Sun.” ~"The Life and Times of Jesus The Messiah” by Alfred Edersheim, pg 173

Wow, what a blessing for Mary to be able to see with her physical eyes our Savior’s choices, actions, mannerisms, reflexive behavior, and facial expressions! But it’s interesting to hear Edersheim describe what he believed the development of Mary’s relationship with her Son looked like. I believe we all have the potential to come to know Him, his inclinations, desires, impulses, and ways of thinking through the Spirit regardless of what age we live in. And when we do, I think it happens line upon line similar to Mary’s experience. I know that has been true for me. 

I remember on many days after I finished studying about him and had to go back to doing the dishes. I looked at the framed picture I had of him that was sitting on the windowsill above the sink and often said in my mind, “I know who you are.” And when I said this, I felt the worship. Feeling worship is something that can’t be faked. I can’t do fake. I have been censured for attempting fake worship. It makes me feel so gross. This worship was not fake. All my heart wrapped around him and I just shook my head in acknowledgment of his utter and complete beauty. Then something happened in return, which surprised me. I saw or rather felt him looking back at me. Now some people, when they are aware of your admiration, stick out their chin and walk away from you in Pride. They treat you like, “Ya that’s right. Worship me. But I won’t give you the time of day to notice who you are.” Other people will respond in Envy—just deny it when you compliment them or try to defer it. He wasn’t doing that.

There were two things he was doing. The first was he acknowledged my acknowledgment. He was telling me that what I was seeing was indeed the truth about him. And he wasn’t denying it. He wasn’t embarrassed because of my worship. He was accepting it and just standing there right in front of me receiving it full on. My admiration was pretty intense but he received it like it just fit into his puzzle perfectly. And wow, that just doubled my worship!

The second was that he was admiring me back. He was appreciating my admiration. He was grateful that I was taking the time to know him for who he really was. And it did take time. Time and sacrifice of other things I could be doing and could be partaking of. He was thankful for my love. I could sense that it gave him Peace and Energy. To explain this in words doesn’t compare to the feelings that filled me during these sacred moments or to the Joy that was steadily increasing in intensity and sustainability in my heart over time. And this is what made the depression go away. This relationship and the development of it. It also is what filled me with the Desire to become more like him. It totally filled me with Charity. I had the capacity to love, to forgive, to sacrifice more than I had ever done before in my life. The anger that I had felt so predominantly in my heart as a reaction to my personal opposition went away too. It was total freedom!

“Whatever you do
I'll do it too 
Show me everything 
And tell me how 
It all means something
And yet [EVERYTHING] to me 
I can see there is so much to learn 
It's all so close
And yet so far 
I see myself 
As [He] see[s] me 
Oh I just know there's something bigger out there[!]”

~"Strangers Like Me" by Phil Collins from Disney’s Tarzan

I'm not saying I was way far away from Him before. I had been reading my scriptures daily since I was 14 years old and praying daily since I was about half that age. I had been attending church since I was born and was baptized and received the Holy Ghost at age 8. I had been striving to apply what I knew of the Gospel of Jesus Christ for many years. I had received my temple endowments and was married in the temple. Yet I realize now that what I had needed throughout all the years of my life previous to this point was to COME CLOSER to worship, admire, and praise our Savior Jesus Christ to the point that my heart was satisfied. I had to put in the work to study him, to examine him more closely in the records we have of him. I had to say, “Whatever you do, I’ll do it too. Show me everything, tell me how.” I had to start attending the temple more frequently and learn from that higher level "university." That’s worship—finding out who he is and why he did what he did and then striving to implement the same way of living into our lives. That was the foundational process I needed to engage in consistently in order to obtain Sustainable Joy. The Result of worshipping Him with all my heart, might, mind and strength, was the beautiful feeling that came and stayed in my heart so that nothing was more important to me than keeping it there.

“When we worship, we open our hearts to the healing power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Our lives become the token and expression of our worship. My brothers and sisters, spiritual experiences have less to do with what is happening around us and everything to do with what is happening within our hearts. It is my witness that true worship will transform ordinary Church meetings into extraordinary spiritual feasts. It will enrich our lives, broaden our understanding, and strengthen our testimonies. For as we incline our hearts to God, like the ancient Psalmist, we “enter into his gates with thanksgiving, and into his courts with praise: [we are] thankful unto him, and bless his name.” ~Bishop Dean M. Davies

Sustainable Energy

So let’s break worship down to summarize the steps:  The study and pondering of the life of Jesus Christ triggered my worship feelings—my admiration. And that admiration triggered our Savior’s reciprocal love for me. I could feel it, sense it. I became aware of it. That was amazing! That triggered my motivation to keep it there by learning how to respond to the opposition, blessings, and responsibilities in my life as he responded to his. It provided motivation to shut down the Pride/Envy Story. The two stories—His Confidence/Humility Story and Satan’s Pride/Envy Story—cannot reside in the same heart simultaneously. I have learned that if I fall short of spending the amount of time and depth I need to worship him, I lose consciousness of his love for me and my love for him. Subsequently the Charity inside me for others wanes—the engine stops running so smoothly and sometimes even stops all together. I must choose to sacrifice my time to studying Jesus Christ consistently to the level that sustains me. I have learned to sacrifice other conflicting choices to do this. Worshipping Jesus Christ fuels the engine of Charity, which is the source of Sustainable Joy. I have found no other way to obtain fulfillment so utterly and completely satisfying.

"Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.

"And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.

"And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.

"Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,

"Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;

"Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;

"Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

"Charity never faileth:"

~1 Corinthians 13:1-8

“I am acquainted with Church members who accept as true the doctrine and principles contained in the scriptures and proclaimed from this pulpit. And yet they have a hard time believing those gospel truths apply specifically in their lives and to their circumstances. They seem to have faith in the Savior, but they do not believe His promised blessings are available to them or can operate in their lives. I also encounter brothers and sisters who fulfill their callings dutifully but for whom the restored gospel has not yet become a living and transforming reality in their lives. We come to know the Lord as we not only believe in Him but also believe Him and His assurances.” ~Elder David A. Bednar