Controlling The Way I Feel

Back in 2006-2009, one of my predominant desires was to get in control of the way that I felt if that were at all possible. I knew that if I could figure out how to do that, it would help with all of my relationships. 

During the previous years - 1994-2005, I had been experiencing more long-term episodes of anxiety and depression. And my anxiety seemed to predominantly manifest itself as anger. 

As I mentioned in previous posts, the first thing the Lord instructed me to do to achieve this goal was to find the balance in my eating and exercising. While this process began in 2000, it became even more important to me in 2006-2009. 

Internal and external guidance

I don’t remember him telling me to trade the sugar and refined grains in for more fruits, vegetables, whole grains, healthy fats, and proteins. I just felt it. The more I sensed his presence in my life, the more sensitive I became to the things that prevented me from sensing it. I learned by trial and error that when I ate empty calorie foods my heart became number to his Spirit.

However, it is true that many years prior to this time in my life, I was instructed to eat and exercise in accordance with my religion’s code of health. In a special blessing I received when I was around sixteen years old, I was promised that if I did that, I wouldn’t suffer from health problems or injury but would be given opportunities to progress. I have this blessing recorded and was reading it fairly often during 2006-2009. So, I think it was always on my mind that balancing my physical processes was key to achieving my other goals.

The science behind eating and happiness

Here is some science behind how food can affect the way we feel. It’s from a post called “Understanding the Science of Eating and Happiness” by Julia Sweeney.

What we’re putting into our bodies has a profound, holistic impact on our emotions.

David A. Kessler, author of The End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite and former head of the FDA, has a name for these calorie-rich, easily digestible foods: They’re hyperpalatable, meaning that they not only go down easy, but they’re engineered to make you want to eat more by triggering a powerful reward conditioning stimulus.

If this sounds like addiction, it is—researchers have found chemical similarities (and similar brain activity) between overeating and other addictive behaviors (doing drugs, gambling, drinking). In an interview with The New Yorker, Dr. Kessler remarked, ‘Conditioned hypereating works the same way as other ‘stimulus response’ disorders in which reward is involved, such as compulsive gambling and substance abuse.’

Here’s the ultimate irony: By seeking these pleasure foods, we’re actually not getting happier. Studies illustrate that women who eat diets rich in “Western” foods—namely “processed or fried foods, refined grains, sugary products, and beer”—are more likely to be depressed than their healthier-eating counterparts.

My own experience validates the science

This was what I found to be true in my own experiences with food. So, it is no surprise that in the first part of my training, the Lord instructed me to “break up” with my relationship with hyperpalatable foods in order to develop a closer relationship with him. Addiction to substances that make us feel good in the moment but paradoxically end in depression is a type of bondage. And he is all about delivering us from these kinds of relationships. 

The reason I liked to eat hyperpalatable foods was that I was turning to them for peace. It was a habit. I was definitely addicted. I learned that I needed to turn to him for my source of peace. As long as I was holding onto food as a crutch, he would not be able to leverage my motivation to help me change some of my other Imbalanced ways of resolving conflicts in my relationships with others.

Breaking up with hyperpalatable foods was really hard for me. But it also brought me the greatest sense of confidence and self-worth. I was thankful for the opportunity to sacrifice because it was a way for me to express how much I preferred his peace to the pseudo peace hyperpalatable foods offered. Through my actions, I was communicating a deeper semantic meaning: I will make room for you in my life.

Spiritual eating - reading, watching, listening

Similarly, I began to experience warnings about what I spiritually consumed – what I read, watched, and listened to. I had already developed an intense sensitivity to books, movies, and music that had inappropriate sexual content and references. But I also became aware that there were other things that were just wasting my time and the Lord’s time. I remember watching a movie with my kids that turned out to be extremely silly. It was so stupid that I felt like spiritually puking. 

How I spent my time was also being edited. I couldn’t just do anything and feel happy and complete. I needed to prayerfully consider the commitments I got myself into and my daily plans. This training in tightening up my self-control and daily habits happened incrementally over these years.

Rules & boundaries bring purpose & self-respect

This might seem like too many rules and boundaries for a lot of people. But for me, it was exactly what I needed and wanted. I needed to belong somewhere. I needed purpose and self-respect. And I had told Heavenly Father in prayer that I wanted to come to know Jesus Christ better. I told him I wanted to gain control over the way that I felt. And I wanted to be of service to him in whatever way he needed me. 

Because I expressed those desires to him, he began to show me the pathway I needed to take in order to obtain them. There is an inherent process to obtain every desire. There are many things about that process that I have been able to choose according to my preferences. But there are other things that I cannot choose. I need to get myself in alignment with them.

Learning about the laws and boundaries he set for me delighted me. Having expectations of me meant that he cared about me and valued me. I loved the challenge they presented. By 2009, I had gained much more control over how I felt. I understood the mechanisms that affected my emotions and how to work through them. This didn’t mean that I was never hurt or upset. Trials and adversity from my various relationships continued to pour down upon me. It was that I now had the tools to troubleshoot the issues when they arose. Some were tougher to resolve than others. 

Daily turning to the Lord for my physical and spiritual nourishment instead of turning to hyperpalatable foods (both physical and spiritual) has continued to be the key to controlling my ability to respond to the conflicts that arise in my relationship with others in balance. His personalized nourishment empowers me to view disappointments from a more objective perspective so that I don't feel trapped by things outside of my control. And that empowers me to control my response process even in the face of other people's imbalanced behaviors. When I keep my response process balanced, I maintain control over the way that I feel. I'm not always at the top of my game with these abilities, but in general, I am far ahead of where I used to be. And that has made all the difference in the quality of my life.