I Was Having Nightmares and They Scared Me

When I was a little girl, maybe five or six years old, I often had nightmares. They scared me. They were about bad people intending to hurt me or other people. A reoccurring dream was that there was a bad man climbing through my bedroom window. When I woke up in the middle of the night after having one of these dreams, I lay awake listening for a creeping in the house, too afraid to get out of bed and go to my parents for comfort. Because of this, I had a difficult time getting to sleep each night.

This problem continued throughout my childhood until one night, my mom taught me how to pray. She said I could ask Heavenly Father to help stop the bad dreams. Before this, I had participated in family prayers, prayers at meal time, and prayers at church, but I hadn’t learned to pray to Him personally. 

So that night, I said a very simple prayer and asked, Please don’t let me have any bad dreams. I lay back down on my pillow and felt safe. Safe.

The bad dreams decreased. They went from being very frequent to occasional. If I ever woke up in the middle of the night, I would whisper to Him, asking Him to protect me and help me to sleep. My fear would decrease and I would fall back to sleep. The problem never escalated into anything serious.

I remember this so well because from that night on, throughout my childhood, teen, and even young adult years, I said the same prayer. I added more to it as I encountered more things that were outside of my control. There were things that I wanted and conflicts that I couldn’t solve. When I prayed for them, He would help. Being young in experience and endurance, I didn’t always recognize when He answered or that He had actually answered. The way He answered was often so gradual that I wasn’t aware enough to notice. 

When I got older, I started to pay more attention to this asking/answering relationship. The more I recognized the patterns in our communication, the stronger my faith grew.

Differentiating Between The Thoughts In My Head

Perfectionism: Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

I remember feeling similar to the girl in the video behind the above link. It was during a time that I was actively striving to live my life better. Previous to this time period, I often looked in the mirror, listened, and agreed with a voice in my head that said, “You are so fat and ugly.” Consequently, I didn’t feel very good about myself. 

During this same time I was in the habit of reacting to people when there were conflicts in our relationships. But through the grace of God (literally) and his personal training, I was making improvements. 

However, one day, I had a bad day. Regression. I was on my bed thinking about what an awful person I was. I thought that even though I was trying to improve, I would never be the person I wanted to be. My continuous mistakes and my imperfect past made it impossible. Because I hadn’t grown up making all of the right choices from the beginning, I would never truly be valuable. 

My thoughts said to me, “Who are you kidding? You will never be who you want to be.” 

But at the same time another voice in my head was evaluating these thoughts. This part said that the first voice was not only attacking me but also Jesus Christ. To assert that I could not change myself for the good, was an indirect attack on the Atonement of Jesus Christ. This voice was basically saying that Jesus Christ was not powerful enough to enable me to change and become everything that I desired to become.

I responded something like this, “What the heck! You are right!”

Then I turned to the first voice and said, “You can attack me all day and I might believe it’s true. But when you attack Jesus Christ and tell me he doesn’t have the power to make something beautiful out of me then you give yourself away. I know who you are and you are completely wrong. Leave!”

That was a life changing experience for me. I remember thinking that I would never hang out with someone who was putting me down all the time. I would choose to separate myself from someone who degraded me, instead of constructively helped me achieve my goals. So why would I choose to entertain such mean thoughts about myself? 

Knowing I have the responsibility to choose which thoughts to accept and which ones to reject has been powerful for me. Stopping them early before they suck me into a black hole I can’t easily get out of has been a very important skill to learn. Fighting for my Savior first gives me the strength to fight for myself. 

This has made all the difference in how I feel about my personal worth. Actively choosing to listen to, entertain, and believe appreciative thoughts about myself and receiving respectful constructive training as well as empathetic kind words makes me a happy person. When I am a happy person I have an easy time appreciating, respecting, and being kind and empathetic to others.

Consider the Source

Recently, I have learned about three adults who conspired together to kill four people. Two were their spouses and two were their children. In wondering how any person, especially a mother, could commit such an act of horror, I read some articles on the case and watched an interview of the mother’s friend who was not in on the murders, but who witnessed the backstory.

I found out that they believed they were doing it in the name of Jesus Christ. They murdered innocent children in his name. They murdered their spouses in his name. They said they received their instructions via personal revelation. That means they believed they were receiving their instructions from God.

They said that they had been told that they were key players in preparing the world for the Second Coming of Jesus Christ. And they apparently believed that role included a Hitler-like elimination of people who were not worthy to continue living. They had concocted a twisted backstory, which they said was revealed to them from spiritual sources, which justified their heinous deeds as merciful and necessary sacrifices.

“Some of you may die, but that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.” ~Lord Farquad quote from the movie Shrek

So when people do horrifying things like this in the name of Jesus Christ, claiming they are receiving their guidance from God, it causes fear and prejudice against religion in general and against the practice of receiving personal revelation from God. 

There have been many groups throughout history who have exterminated an individual or group of people and claimed that they were doing it in God’s name. One example is the early Catholic Church’s inquisitions. The inquisitors put innocent people through an unjust trial and then burned  them at the stake in the name of Christ. Ironically, the people they killed were the real people standing for Christ such as Joan of Arc, William Tyndale, and John Huss (Jan Hus). 

Hitler and his NSDAP Nazi party is another example. They attempted to cleanse their country of subhumans similar to the ideology of the Daybell/Vallow people in the news story I have been reading about. The “Nazi regime was responsible for the genocide of about 6 million Jews and millions of other victims whom [Hitler] and his followers deemed Untermenschen (subhumans) or socially undesirable” (Wikipedia). The Nazis may not have murdered people in the name of God, but it was in the name of what they believed was good and true. They asserted their actions improved their community relationships.

Additionally, in the times of John Wycliffe (early 1300s), John Huss (late 1300s) and Martin Luther (1500s), the Catholic popes sent out armies to force people to adopt their “Christian” religion. If they would not, they killed them.

I think this is one of the most disturbing and alarming behaviors I have ever contemplated. To commit crime, sin, and murder in the name of Jesus Christ is the most monstrous thing I can think of. It's important to me as a follower of Jesus Christ that non-Christians know that there are people and spirits masquerading as Christians but are not really Christians at all.

I think the Daybell/Vallow people really thought they were being guided by God. And I think they did reach for the spiritual world. And I think that some people have a greater awareness of that spiritual world than others. They have a gift. But that doesn’t mean they are necessarily good at discerning the good from the evil spirits that are in that world. Many of these people with this gift struggle with boundaries. Because they have such a high degree of tolerance, empathy, and compassion for others, they want to accept all things as good, right, and true.

Considering the source is about using light and knowledge to discern between good and evil. 

In the physical world, without light, there would be no sight. This same principle is true in the spiritual world.

I found the following quote about light from a website called the Physics Classroom.

“[In the absence of sunlight during the night, and in the absences of] a porch light or a street light, the neighbor's house can no longer be seen; the grass is no longer green, but rather black; the leaves on the trees are dark; and were it not for the headlights of the car, it would not be seen approaching the intersection. Without luminous objects generating light that propagates through space to illuminate non-luminous objects, those non-luminous objects cannot be seen. Without light, there would be no sight.”

Physical light allows us to differentiate one object from another. I’m attempting to use spiritual light to differentiate one way of doing things from another. By more closely evaluating the two very different spiritual sources who are trying to influence us, we can defeat the fear that the Daybell/Vallow people introduced. Setting them side by side to examine the motives, the actual type of counsel received, and the consequences, is shining light upon them to see how they are different from Christians truly receiving guidance from God.

“But, O my people, beware lest there shall arise contentions among you, and ye list to obey the evil spirit” (Mosiah 2:32).

I think it is crucial that we understand that there are two sides to the spirit world and both are trying to influence us. And the evil side is usually trying to masquerade as the good side. Our responsibility is to differentiate between them, discover the masquerade, and choose which ideas we believe are good, right, and true.

So the reason this whole thing shook me is that the Daybell/Vallow people are treading on my personal beliefs in Jesus Christ, in God, in the kingdom of heaven, in angels, and in personal revelation from God. I believe in miracles. I believe in personal revelation. I believe in guidance from heaven. I believe in angels. I believe in God.

These people had the same belief, and claimed that they were connected up to the same God I listen to. The result was they murdered innocent people.

I don’t know about you, but this scared me and has caused me to feel awful and confused. This motivated me to shine the bright light upon the evidence and consider the sources. What these people said and did threatens to undermine something that is foundational to my religious beliefs. So I have to differentiate between what is good and what is evil here. Here’s what the light reveals:

When Jesus asked his disciples who men thought he was, his disciples answered that some people thought he was John the Baptist, Elijah, or Jeremiah reincarnated. Others thought he was a prophet in general. 

Then Jesus asked them, “But whom say ye that I am?” 

Simon Peter answered, “Thou art the Christ, the Son of the living God.”

Then Jesus told Simon Peter that he came to this truth through personal revelation, which had been revealed to him by his “Father which is in heaven.”

Jesus then said that he builds his church upon this rock – personal revelation – “and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it.”

(Matthew 16:13-18)

Frederick Farrar discusses these verses in his biography of Christ: “It was the revealed fact, that they only can acknowledge [who and what Christ is] who are led thereto by the Spirit of God. It told mankind for ever that not by earthly criticisms, but only by heavenly grace, can the full knowledge of that truth be obtained.”

(The Life of Christ by Frederick Farrar, p372)

These two sources make it clear that personal revelation is powerful evidence that enables us to discern between truth and error and should not be discounted.

The following verse from the Book of Mormon reaffirms that being open to personal revelation is a safe and secure way of determining what is true.

“For behold, again I say unto you that if ye will enter in by the way, and receive the Holy Ghost, it will show unto you all things what ye should do.” ~2 Nephi 32:5

The next verse adds that we should also study the word of God in combination with listening to the Holy Ghost. 

“Angels speak by the power of the Holy Ghost; wherefore, they speak the words of Christ. Wherefore, I said unto you, feast upon the words of Christ; for behold, the words of Christ will tell you all things what ye should do.” ~2 Nephi 32:3

Much of my own personal revelation has come to me in the form of the scriptures I know and have studied throughout the years. Verses are brought to the front of my mind when I pray for answers.

After learning about the Daybell/Vallow case, fear might drive us to believe that yielding to ALL spiritual direction is dangerous. That is evaluating the situation in the dark, without light. Differentiating between the kind of spirit they chose to listen to and the kind of spirit I choose to listen to is using light to differentiate between good and evil.

The scriptures indicate that there are two separate parties of influencers in the spiritual world. Here’s one example that contrasts them:

“And when they shall say unto you: Seek unto them that have familiar spirits, and unto wizards that peep and mutter—should not a people seek unto their God for the living to hear from the dead?” ~2 Nephi 18:19 (a nearly identical verse is found in Isaiah 8:19).

Thoughts and ideas are continuously presented to our minds from external physical and spiritual sources. Some are good and others are evil. There is a gradient of spiritual sources between these two extremes. We have been given the choice to differentiate between the good and the evil. We don’t want to believe everything we hear from other people and neither do we want to believe everything that is presented to our minds from spiritual sources just because we acknowledge it is a spiritual source. We have to be on our guard to filter through these things. We have brains. We can use them. And we have hearts, which we can also use.

And let’s keep it real. Why search for crazy weird things? Why not seek out the answers to our relationship conflicts? Why not seek for ways to obtain Sustainable Joy, which is God’s (not Satan’s) desire for us? 

I have used the gift of personal revelation to figure out how I could become a better wife, mother, daughter, sister, and member of my community. How could I better respond to the inevitable conflicts that arise in relationships? How could I control my knee-jerk reactions? How could I work with my kids to help them overcome their imbalanced behaviors and ways of doing things? The answers I received always included faith in Jesus Christ. This is faith that even though things may not be perfect now, if I choose to keep my own behavior in balance, and endure conflicts without responding with selfishness, and seek to empathize instead of hate, the end result will be good even if I have to wade through temporary times of sorrow and less than ideal circumstances.

Out of all of the thoughts and ideas that enter our mind, we decide which ones we will entertain and which ones we will NOT.  Just because they enter our mind does not mean they are thoughts that belong to us.  The ones we DECIDE to accept as true become our thoughts. If we’re unsure that a thought is good, we can study it out, do some research, and pay attention to our heart. 

Our heart verifies what is good, true, beautiful, meaningful, right, and of God. Our heart will also warn us when something is bad, evil, selfish, ugly, meaningless, wrong, and of the devil. This verification effect occurs while we engage in the research process. Sometimes we have to test ideas out, put them into action, in order to accurately assess their truth. When we continue to pay attention to our hearts, we will know if what we are thinking, saying, or doing is good or evil.

“For behold, my brethren, it is given unto you to judge, that ye may know good from evil; and the way to judge is as plain, that ye may know with a perfect knowledge, as the daylight is from the dark night.” ~Moroni 7:15

“Two indicators that a feeling or prompting comes from God are that it produces peace in your heart and a quiet, warm feeling” ~Elder Richard G. Scott

Daybell and Vallow chose to listen to spiritual voices that taught them to elevate themselves in pride and see other people as subhumans or zombies whom they prayed would be eliminated (die) or whom they personally eliminated (killed). 

Others of us have chosen to listen to voices in combination with the scriptures that have taught us empathy, humility, confidence, and gratitude –ways of thinking that teach us conflict resolution, mercy, and promote compatibility in our relationships.

My experience with the voices in my head have been accompanied by peace in my heart and a quiet, warm feeling. This is often very intense. I can’t make myself feel this way. When I start thinking, speaking, or behaving with pride, selfishness, or hatred, I can’t keep this feeling inside me. It leaves. So I can differentiate the daylight from the darkness.

The following counsel is in section 8 in the Doctrine and Covenants:

“Yea, behold, I will tell you in your mind and in your heart, by the Holy Ghost, which shall come upon you and which shall dwell in your heart. Now, behold, this is the spirit of revelation; behold, this is the spirit by which Moses brought the children of Israel through the Red Sea on dry ground. Therefore this is thy gift; apply unto it, and blessed art thou, for it shall deliver you out of the hands of your enemies, when, if it were not so, they would slay you and bring your soul to destruction.”

And in a previous section, it says:

“Blessed art thou for what thou hast done; for thou hast inquired of me, and behold, as often as thou hast inquired thou hast received instructions of my Spirit. If it had not been so, thou wouldst not have come to the place where thou art at this time. Behold thou knowest that thou hast inquired of me and I did enlighten thy mind; and now I tell thee these things that thou mayest know that thou hast been enlightened by the Spirit of truth.” ~D&C 6:14-15

These scriptures ground my faith in personal revelation. Even though the Daybell/Vallow people misused this gift, it doesn’t mean relying upon personal revelation is dangerous and wrong. We are required to shine the light and consider the source.

Because I have studied the scriptures and searched for general truth for so many years and have experienced the confirmation of the Holy Ghost in regards to those general truths, I am able to discern the feelings that come into my heart when I receive more specific revelation for my personal life.

I strive to be wide awake when it comes to differentiating between truth and error. But one of the ways I’ve been tempted is by flattering and prideful thoughts and ideas. I’ve had to learn that these taste different from the true peace and joy that comes from the Holy Ghost, the Savior, and the Father. The pride feels good in the moment. It seems to be on my side, but with experience and practice I have come to understand that it is no friend of mine. Still, I have to be always on my guard to identify these pride thoughts because they are often very sneaky.

This is where I believe the Daybell/Vallow people initially got tripped up. They believed that they were key players in preparing the way for the Second Coming of the Lord. That thought in itself is not wrong. We are all generally encouraged to be key players – to do what we can to prepare ourselves, our families, and our communities for the Second Coming of the Lord. We want him to come. We want to be ready when he does. This is a good thing.

But the Daybell/Vallow people seemed to twist that role and see it as a prideful-top-of-the-pyramid role. They saw themselves as smarter, more righteous, intelligent, and knowledgeable than others. They looked down upon the Untermenschen (subhumans) around them.

I just want to point out that having knowledge, resources, abilities, and talents doesn’t profit us or anyone unless we use them for good.

“Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal."

Though the Daybell/Vallow people may have indeed obtained some valuable knowledge about the second coming, if they didn’t use it to develop their charity…

“And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing."

And though they may have had the gift of the awareness of spirits and understood some of the mysteries of God, if they didn’t seek to cultivate charity in their hearts…

it profited them absolutely nothing.

(1 Corinthians 13:1-8)

In other words, if we’re trying to obtain knowledge, even if it is scriptural knowledge, for the sake of being better than other people, becoming popular, thinking ourselves above other people, and not for the purpose of applying it to help others, to improve our relationships with God, our spouse, our family and our community, to love people with this Charity (as defined in 1st Corinthians 13), then it profits us absolutely nothing.

IF the Daybell/Vallow people were receiving their guidance from heaven and applying the truths of the scriptures to their personal improvement and to the development of compatible relationships, they would have had charity, charity for their fellowmen and especially charity for their children.

After shining the light on this conflict, I understand the difference between their source and mine. My faith in God has increased and I feel balanced again.

Trouble

There have been many times in my life when I have accused someone of not meeting my needs. I was angry with them*. I wanted them to change. Because they weren’t meeting my needs, I was living in some degree of trouble -- discomfort and pain.  In these situations, it helped me feel better to talk badly about the person to other people. But in the long run, this created more trouble in me and didn’t help improve my relationship with that person.

*I recently read a book that used the pronouns they or them to represent a single male or female character, rather than using he and she or him and her. For simplicity’s sake, I’m using the same grammatical exception-to-the-rule here.

There have also been times in my life when I generally found fault with people who weren’t meeting my needs. There were periods, short and long, when I had a tendency to find fault with others and feel angry about what was happening. This created trouble inside of me and in many of my relationships with other people.

Sometimes, upon introspection, I would recognized that I was in a bad mood and that was the reason for the trouble. That was why I was not getting along with a certain person or people in general. Over the years, as I studied relationships and human behavior, I came to understand that accurate introspection and extrospection (I don’t know if that is even a word) is a crucial relationship skill to have when resolving trouble and developing compatible relationships that return sustainable joy.

So the first thing I learned to do when recognizing trouble in a relationship, was to identify my need. What was it that I wanted? In most of the conflicts I found myself in, I realized that my need was valid. It was core, essential, and inherent. It wasn’t wrong to actually need it. Just understanding that released so many intense and angry knots in my soul. It took so much of the trouble away.

The next thing I learned to do was to understand that the other person in the relationship had the choice to meet my needs or not.  Demanding, forcing, or manipulating that person to meet my needs increased the trouble. It was not love. Neither was it love for the other person to be motivated to meet my needs after I demanded, forced, or manipulated them into doing it. I knew it wasn’t. We all know it isn’t. So I came to a major personality-changing decision when I understood this. I decided that I did not ever want to attempt to force anyone to meet my needs.

The only way I could stand by that decision was to have someone I could go to when I got into trouble. Someone who would always be willing and able to meet my real core needs. And I had to have a close enough relationship with a person like this. For me, that person was Jesus Christ. When I developed my relationship with him to the level that I could go to him for my inherent needs when the other people in my life could not or would not meet them (knowingly or unknowingly), I had the power to stand by that decision. Over time, as I continued to stand in this place, crucial gears and mechanisms inside my soul changed. The trouble decreased.

To clarify, the Savior didn’t always meet my needs immediately. Sometimes there were things I needed to learn and straighten out in my own thoughts and behavior. There was an increase in trouble before I could receive his crucial peace that I learned to completely rely upon. I have been required to bear trouble for extended periods of times. I have learned to bear burdens, sacrifice, experience pain and sorrow as we wrestle through the trouble – my previous ways of resolving conflicts and obtaining my desires.

He said, “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid" (John 14:27).

He also said, “I am the way, the truth, and the life” (John 14:6).

I have found both of these statements to be true.

The Chosen

I’ve been watching The Chosen series, co-written and directed by Dallas Jenkins, which is one of the largest crowd-funded multi-media productions ever to be made, and it is about the life and ministry of Jesus Christ. I watched the first few episodes last year, but just got the app and watched the complete first season this last weekend with my daughter.

Since watching, I’ve been thinking about the concept of swimming against the tides and norms of certain predominant groups in society.

One of the predominant groups of society in Jesus’s day was the Pharisees. This was a group of people who lived in a specific way - an ascetic way. But even within that group of people there were differences between them. Dallas Jenkins highlights these differences. It’s interesting to see them and how the individuals within a group deal with the differences that they begin to recognize within themselves when they begin to hear about Jesus Christ and interact with him.

In the beginning of each episode there is an artistic representation of the theme of the entire series. This is also used as The Chosen logo (see the image for this post). There are fish swimming along in one direction and then one turns around, changes color, and starts swimming in the opposite direction. This is a metaphoric representation of the differences in the way each person obtains needs and resolves conflicts. It represents his/her values, beliefs, motivations, intentions, etc. The first fish that turns passes other fish that turn around and follow him. They now swim in the opposite direction, against the traditional way, against the obvious direction that everyone else is swimming.

What a beautiful way to represent the conflict Jesus Christ and those who followed him experienced. This was the predominant theme of his life. He said to his disciples, “Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.” The response of the disciples, being metaphoric fish themselves: They “straightway left their nets, and followed him” (Matthew 4:19-20). They straightway left the way the groups they had previously belonged to, the way they had been obtaining their needs and resolving their conflicts, their previous values, beliefs, motivations, and intentions, to follow Jesus Christ and his way of doing things.

The traditions of many of the groups of people in that day such as the Pharisees, Publicans (publicani or tax collectors), lawyers, scribes, Sadducees, Essenes, and Romans were swimming in a direction opposite to the direction Jesus Christ swam. This way of swimming resulted in overwhelming sorrow and conflict in the lives of the people, especially the poor. It would eventually (as history has proven time after time) lead to war, bondage, and overwhelming enforced physical and spiritual hardships for everyone. In short, it always leads to community failure.

In The Chosen series, we haven’t seen the general character of Publicans (tax collectors) in that day. They were often correctly accused of extortion – taking more taxes from the Jews than Herod or the Romans required. This they did for their own benefit. It would be good to see these types of people to understand the general prejudice against Matthew, who is one of the main characters of the series. Matthew was swimming against the traditional tide of publicani because he didn’t cheat the people as most of them did. Yet, it was still true that the Jews hated any man who even worked as a tax-gatherer. They didn't take the time to differentiate between someone who performed his job honestly and someone who performed it dishonestly. All publicani were excommunicated from their synagogues, making them outcasts from their society. Matthew was swimming against this tide of rejection as well. He didn’t belong to the group of extortionists tax collectors, but neither did he belong to his Jewish community.

The Romans are another group represented in The Chosen series. Even though they all wore the same uniform, worked as soldiers and leaders of the Roman government, and had some general characteristics in common, there were differences among them. There were Romans who used their position to take advantage of other people and to hurt them. They did this to obtain their own desires and resolve their own conflicts at the expense of the desires and needs of others. But there were also Romans who almost reluctantly performed their duties for Rome, while finding ways to help the Jews with their desires and needs. In short, there were jerk Romans and there were good Romans.

I love how Dallas Jenkins depicts these groups and the individual variations within them. Within any larger group of fish who generally swam in one direction, there were some who were unwilling to follow traditions of selfishness and hate. They were unwilling to manipulate the variables within their circle of influence to get ahead. They were unwilling to take advantage of their neighbor where they could. Instead, they were people who may have been born into certain general groups, or who happened to belong to a general group in which many of the members chose this ascetic or survival of the fittest way of living, but they themselves chose to sacrifice for love. These were the fish swimming against the traditions of their community.

During His life, Jesus Christ is the main source of the sudden and powerful increase of a counterclockwise movement. There is a song that plays in one of the episodes called Trouble that describes the conflicting results of swimming counterclockwise to the group we belong to. Trouble. When we swim counterclockwise to the traditions of the group we belong to, there is trouble. There is conflict. It is hard. Much harder than continuing to swim right along with everyone else. So even though Jesus brought a message of eternal peace and the means by which we can obtain compatible relationships and sustainable joy, the initial result was trouble. So paradoxical.

I have to mention here that the opposite situation can also occur. There have been many communities and societies throughout history that predominantly were choosing kindness, compassion, caring, and sacrificing for love, but individuals have chosen to swim against that tide in selfishness. Many in Jesus's day continued to swim against him even though he proved through his miracles that everlasting life was in his hands and could be obtained through his way of living. 

So we can’t think that causing trouble and swimming counterclockwise in general is a sign of truth, correctness, and goodness, which promotes sustainable joy. Going against the norms of society is only effective if a society is predominantly ascetic and hedonistic. Since this was the case in Jesus’ day, his swimming in the opposite direction was amazingly beautiful! The subsequent trouble he experienced was a sacrifice he endured in order to achieve paradoxical results. And I LOVE, admire, and worship him for that! I seriously can't help it.

To swim clockwise or counterclockwise, that is the question.

So this is where the trouble for Jesus and his followers came from: On the one hand ascetics like the Pharisees believed they were the epitome of righteousness. They were leaders of their society and advocated extremist sacrificial behaviors. They proposed a game in which success was about being more extreme in the keeping of their “grandiose system of revered commentary and pious custom[s]” (Farrar, The Life of Christ, p.340) than another. Those that studied the law in the elitist schools knew more than the common people and considered themselves above everyone else. If anyone had something counterclockwise to say or argue and did not have the titles and certifications that the Pharisees had, they were totally disregarded or belittled. In fact, they also disregarded and belittled those within their group that proposed counterclockwise ideas that favored Jesus and his teachings, as was seen with Nicodemus. The group prided themselves in performing the minutia of meaningless rituals and trained the multitude of people to “ look up to them as little gods” (ibid.). Ascetics. Motivated by pride and envy.

Ascetics give people who believe in God a bad name. If people blindly group all people who believe in God in this type of category, which they totally have throughout the centuries, then prejudice against religion and the counterclockwise lifestyle results in the hedonistic counterclockwise lifestyle with its paradoxical fatalities. Religion and asceticism are often seen as synonymous. This is caused by a lack of differentiation between extremist holier-than-thou sacrifice behavior and the true sacrifice of a person who deeply and sincerely loves God and others, who trusts that giving up certain things that feel good in the moment or for a while will result in the obtainment of ethereal relationships, conditions, and experiences which cannot be obtained in any other way.

On the other hand, there were those that lived hedonistic lives in which they indulged themselves in the pleasures of the body to keep themselves afloat from day to day. Many, not having a chance to win the game the Pharisees presented, resorted to this other type of game. Success was about obtaining money, nice clothes, large houses, advancement, authority, position, land, or titles. It was also about just finding the next scrap of food, escaping extreme sorrows, and keeping warm for the night. Real conditions of disadvantage often lead the desperate soul into hedonism (indulgent pleasure) -alcoholism, misuse of drugs and intimacy and time, taking advantage of others, manipulating, cheating, stealing, robbing, and breaking the rules (that paradoxically lead to sustainable relationships) when no one was looking. Most did it blindly, not knowing what they were actually giving up. They were doing it just to survive the day.

I love how Jesus Christ entered this community of fish flowing in different directions. He presented yet another game to play, but this one aimed for sustainable success in relationships with each other. That was how it was won. It was played by sincerely loving - voluntary sacrifice. Turning the other cheek. Loving the enemy. Patience, kindness, long-suffering, Charity. He swam against the ascetic and hedonistic tides at the same time by introducing the love he personally offered. He said this love was at hand - available and ever-accessible to everyone, poor, rich, bond, free, male, or female. It was obtainable by everyone, regardless of the group they had initially belonged to - Pharisee, Roman, publican, Essene, as long as they exercised their Faith in Him - his way of obtaining desires and resolving conflicts. 

This Faith was about voluntarily giving up their ascetic and hedonistic ways (which hurt other people and created increasing and virulent conflict for themselves and the community) for Christ's way. Christ's way was about loving their family and community members as they would be loved. Instead of spending their time thinking about all the things they needed and wanted others to do for them, they should spend their time thinking about how they could meet the real needs of others. This was not about denying that they did have needs -real needs, important needs. Denial was asceticism. It was about waiting. It was about the whole timing of the way they went about obtaining and resolving. Paradoxically, the promise was that as they pursued helping others obtain their desires, their needs and wants would be taken care of. The promise was that their Savior Himself would make sure of that. That's what I believe the word Savior means. But he warned that it was also true that there would be a temporary time period when they would suffer for others. It would be a sacrifice. And it would hurt. But he said that in giving up their life, they would find it. If they sacrificed and hurt out of love and made it voluntary and purposeful, the intensity of their love would increase. The degree of how much they could love would increase. They would actually experience this in their soul. It was ethereal -the kingdom of heaven was at hand. It would be intense and sustainable. The attraction in their relationships would grow instead of wane. Personal and community success would be the end result.

All of this was difficult to communicate, to explain, to convince, to win their faith. This way of swimming required a leap of faith because of the initial suffering of the sacrifice. It was totally counterclockwise. And it created so much TROUBLE.

“He who is near me is near the fire! he who is far from me is far from the kingdom” (Farrar quoting Didymus in Ps. who is describing the paradoxical conflict that belongs to everyone who follows Jesus Christ, ibid. p356).

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The Life of Christ by Frederick Farrar

What About Love?

What even is love? For me, I’ve been attempting to figure it out. It seems like this is true for others as well. I just started using Spotify and made my first playlist out of some of my favorite 80s songs. I’ve been listening to Heart sing, “What about love? Don’t you want someone to care about you? What about love? Don’t let it slip away!” And Foreigner sings, “I wanna know what love is. I want you to show me.”

I know that most of the time these 80s songs as well as songs from other generations are singing about romantic love and physical affection. I know romance and physical affection are a part of love. And I do not discount them when considering the meaning of love. 

In the scriptures, Jesus Christ counsels us to love each other. To love each other as we would be loved and to love God with all our heart, might, mind, and strength. So he’s not only talking about romantic relationships. I believe he’s talking about a general way of interacting with each other that can be applied to all types of relationships – marriage, family, and community.

From all of my research and ponderings about what love is, I have concluded so far that it is a an action, a motive, and a state. 

Love Is An Action

As an action, I believe love is sacrifice. When I love someone, I give up my comfortable life to some degree for them. In marriage, I give up all other men to be with my husband. As a mother, I give up spending my time on other life projects that conflict with my ability to parent and nourish my children to the extent that I am able. In my relationships with members of my extended family and friends or others in my community, I share my specific abilities and talents, which hopefully lighten the loads they have to carry.

Right here, there is usually a bunch of judging each other. Who is sacrificing enough for others? Who is loving enough? Is my neighbor loving her kids enough? Is she sacrificing enough? Or does my neighbor see how much I’m really sacrificing for my relationships? 

Who cares?! This isn’t about who is sacrificing or loving better than someone else. That is so twisted. All we need to focus on here is if we are developing compatible relationships with the people right in front of us.

Love Is A Motive

As a motive, I don’t want to sacrifice for ascetic reasons, but for real reasons. I seriously want these other people in my life to be happy because that makes me happy. I guess it comes down to empathy. I literally feel pain when I see someone suffering. Once I was at Chris’ baseball game when he was like 13 years old and another little boy got hit in the head by the baseball. I felt it physically. My soul was affected and I wanted to help him. I wanted to take the pain away from him.

I have come to believe that love is about taking the pain away from others, if at all possible, but it is not taking ALL the pain away from them so they never have to sacrifice. Knowing when to allow others to sacrifice has always been a difficult thing for me. I just want to take all the stress, sorrow, and discomfort away from them. But since sacrifice is love, I would also be taking away their love by attempting to do this. Appreciating, empathizing, honoring, and respecting their sacrifice is what I have needed to learn to do.

I think the real reasons to sacrifice can be summarized into this one goal: to develop sustainable compatible relationships. Relationships that enable all members to live in sustainable joy. Relationship where all members attract the others instead of manipulating, forcing, or guilting them into meeting their needs or the needs of others.

This is one characteristic I have come to see in Jesus Christ as I’ve studied him and experienced his love: He doesn’t want to force, manipulate, or guilt me into sacrificing. In fact, he would rather not have me sacrifice at all for him if that is my only motivation. He wants me to voluntarily sacrifice because I love. And I love because he has loved me like this. He has been real with me. He seriously wants a sustainable compatible relationship with me. And I know he wants that for each of us. He’s willing to negotiate, work it out, figure things out, be flexible, give time and space, and consider ways of doing things that may not be the perfect and simple story-book solution.

Love Is A State

But there are also lines our Savior can’t cross. And the reason he can’t cross them is because of the state of love. The state of love is a result, a continuous relationship, a continuous feeling of love, a continuous attraction. 

I think this could possibly be what the scriptures describe as Charity. It never fails. It can endure suffering for a long time. It’s totally kind. It doesn’t envy the success of others. It isn’t puffed up in fake flattery. It isn’t motivated to get more indulgent pleasure for itself. It’s motivated by sustainable joy. It isn’t easily provoked, it doesn’t think evil. It doesn’t strategize how to manipulate the variables to get what it wants at the expense of others so it has to sacrifice (love) as little as possible. It doesn’t receive any joy out of inequality and having more or less than others. It receives joy from figuring out the truth – how to make relationships work sustainably. It’s able to bear whatever adversity it has to deal with. It believes that sustainable compatible relationships with continuous attraction are possible. It is hopeful, not apathetic or obsessive. It troubleshoots instead of giving up or putting up with conditions and states that are not yet, but potentially can become happily ever after. It is able to endure whatever happens.

So if we want this Charity, there are rules to follow. It’s like a circle, a promise between two or more people, a covenant. There is mercy. But mercy is justice over time. Justice is about keeping our commitments to each other. I have rules that I need others to keep. My kids, family, and friends have rules they need me to keep. You have rules that you need your family and friends to keep. When other people break their commitment to us, they break the rules. 

In the situation where my rules have been broken, I’m the first person to advocate rules, laws, and order. But when I’m the one breaking my commitment to other people, am I the one complaining that there are rules, promises, and responsibilities? 

And WHAT ABOUT LOVE? When it comes to keeping the rules, this is sacrifice. Keeping each other’s rules is a sacrifice. If I complain about having to keep these rules or say that the rules are too demanding and constraining, what exactly am I saying about my love for the person whose rules they are?

Whatever my choice is about voluntarily sacrificing to keep God’s rules and to keep the rules of others, if I want the state of love – Charity – then there are general rules I need to follow. There are no if, ands, or buts. And these rules are usually all about giving, forgiving, repenting. They are about giving Mercy to the extent God has given it to me.

But where is the line? When do "if, ands, or buts" cross that line? I think we can know that when our motive and commitment is love, not asceticism, and not hedonism.

Why Should I?

Sometimes I am motivated to give up some of my Indulgent Pleasures or to do the right thing out of guilt and shame. But I hate that. I resist that. And I strive to catch myself doing it so I can stop doing it for those reasons.

Other times I am motivated to do good things so that other people will think well of me. But I hate that too. I resist that. I strive to catch myself in this thought process as well. I don’t want to do good things for those reasons. Yet, I am also aware that it is natural to desire to be accepted, approved, and admired by our family and community.

We all are motivated by something. We choose what we will be motivated by. We also spend time motivating other people. We choose how we will motivate them. These days, this is referred to as being an influencer. 

Some influencers use guilt and shame to motivate others to give up Indulgent Pleasures or to do the right thing. When people successfully motivate me like this, I do it out of guilt and shame. When they are not successful with this method, I rebel and sometimes want to do the exact opposite of what they advocate – partake of the Indulgent Pleasures and refuse to do what they say.

Sacrifice is giving up certain relationships with people and things for other relationships with people and things. 

I usually choose to sacrifice things that make me feel good in the moment (Indulgent Pleasures) for things that make me feel good in the long-term (Sustainable Joy). I am motivated to do good and to serve my family and community even though it may create some measure of stress or discomfort for me. My goal is to develop good long-term compatible relationships with them, which return Sustainable Joy.

Asceticism is a word I have used to describe the process of sacrificing too much and for the wrong reasons – guilt, shame, pride, envy. Asceticism is severe self-discipline and avoidance of all forms of indulgence, typically for religious reasons. What makes this type of sacrifice undesirable is the severity of it. If we look at the definition of Asceticism, we see the word severe, which characterizes it as over-the-top self-discipline and avoidance of all forms of indulgence. I don’t think any of us would believe that self-disciple and avoidance of indulgence is over-the-top in general. It's the extreme nature of the sacrifice and our motives for doing it that determine whether our sacrifice is Ascetic or Real.

Indulgence is the other side of the extreme. It is not sacrificing enough, which ends in undesirable consequences. Indulgence is when we allow ourselves to enjoy too much of a pleasure (Indulgent Pleasure), which ends in undesirable consequences, not in the consequences we actually desired to obtain.

There have been times when I reject an influencer who is advocating good things because I sense or just think that they are trying to motivate me with guilt, shame, pride, or envy. I’m hypersensitive to this kind of influence and so will reject what they are advocating even if it might actually be good for me. 

And sometimes the influencer is not using guilt, shame, pride, or envy but I have been treated that way by so many other influencers surrounding this topic that I attribute this motive to the influencer.

So when I attribute this characteristic to the influencer I think they are being motivated by selfishness. I believe they are bossy, narrow-minded, or ascetic. And I believe this justifies my rejection of what they are advocating and also justifies my refusal to sacrifice in the way they are proposing.

To resolve this problem, I have been learning to separate the way influencers present their ideas and the actual ideas they are presenting. Evaluating their ideas separately has required me to differentiate between Joy in the journey (Sustainable Joy) and Indulgent Pleasure. 

Influencers advocate that I make a choice. For every choice I make, I give up another choice I could make. What they advocate for me to choose and give up is their idea. But I have to figure out if what they are proposing is actually my Sustainable Joy or if is my Indulgent Pleasure. What characterizes Asceticism (the way I’m defining it) is me giving up not only Indulgent Pleasures, but also my Sustainable Joy. 

So how can I know the difference between Indulgent Pleasures and Sustainable Joy? For me, the line has been blurry. How can I know what I need to avoid and what I need to hold on to? The only way to answer these questions is to identify where I want to end up – my desired long-term results. Will giving this thing or this relationship or this way of doing things up increase my joy over time? And will it be sustainable? And just a side note here: I have learned that evaluating these decisions based on the measure of my own sustainable joy covers the sustainable joy of my family and community.

There are two ways I have used to differentiate between Sustainable Joy and Indulgent Pleasure:

The first is by asking myself what my consequences have been. Has my ability to experience Sustainable Joy increased, stayed the same, or decreased over time? Over time, are my joy sensors becoming more numb, increasing in sensitivity, or becoming scattered?

The second way that I use to differentiate between Sustainable Joy and Indulgent Pleasure is to pay attention to the Holy Ghost. And in some ways, this is the same as the first way because the presence of the Holy Ghost brings Sustainable Joy. But there are some things that I partake of and do that are in conflict with the Joy of the Holy Ghost by degrees, meaning some things greatly decrease the presence and some things decrease it just a little. As I’ve gotten older, I have learned to identify many of these things, but I’m still learning. 

For example, I still sometimes entertain self-serving thoughts that feel good in the moment but aren’t going to end me where I want to go if I continue to incorporate them into my mind and heart. So the Holy Ghost is there to train me and won't let me indulge in the Peace experience. I am required to sacrifice and sacrifice more intensely over time as I gain higher levels of ability. 

I have learned that sacrifice returns Energy. 

The presence of the Holy Ghost returns Peace. 

Combined and balanced, they equal Joy. 

With this information and the continuous training of the Holy Ghost, I can differentiate between Indulgent Pleasure and Sustainable Joy before Indulgence ends me in a trap that is very difficult to get out of.

There have been times in my life when I haven’t listened to the Holy Ghost. I’ve actually gone against it, thinking it was just a psychological problem that I had that was preventing me from getting involved with a certain person or way of doing things. How did that turn out? I became somewhat numbed to Joy. And that ended with the Asceticism in me increasing over time. When I had enough of that and living without real Joy, I turned back more completely and sincerely to God and pleaded for help. “Help me to be happy. Please.”

So during the years when the Asceticism in me was more predominant, why was the influencer in me motivated to motivate my children to be good? I wasn’t differentiating between Indulgent Pleasure and Sustainable Joy. I wasn’t feeling attraction. I wasn’t feeling real love. So I was just trying to be good because good is good. Bad is bad. I had to be good and my children had to be good. That is what was accepted, praised, and admired in my society. So I unconsciously made that my goal. For us all to be loved, we had to edit ourselves to be good. And that may be an okay motivation. But I learned that it wasn't enough for me.

My motivation changed almost overnight and at the same time has continued changing over many years. The change started when I experienced true attraction. For me that came when I started studying the life of Jesus Christ and was trying to figure out what the atonement was and what this all had to do with me right now. There came a day, when I saw him and understood him in a way that I had never before seen or understood. I got a glimpse of who he was and what he was doing for us. Not just what he did, but what he is doing now. And that gimpse helped me understand myself better. It helped me understand what Joy was, where it came from, and how it is an inherent need. It totally changed my goals, my aspirations, my desires. I started a journey away from Asceticism (and it has been a journey rather than a one-time choice) and towards being motivated by Attraction.

The Attraction was towards Jesus Christ. I was the last one to believe that the foundational solution to my problems was that I needed to see someone I totally admired and fully experience that admiration. I didn’t even know I had the capacity to admire like that. I was so focused on being admired. But when I saw him – understood him…how can I even explain it? A song comes to mind. It’s called Waterloo by Abba. 

At Waterloo Napoleon did surrender

Oh yeah

And I have met my destiny in quite a similar way

The history book on the shelf

Is always repeating itself

Waterloo, I was defeated, you won the war

Waterloo, promise to love you forever more

Waterloo, couldn’t escape if I wanted to

Waterloo, knowing my fate is to be with you

Waterloo, finally facing my Waterloo

I tried to hold you back, but you were stronger

Oh yeah

And now it seems my only chance is giving up the fight

And how could I ever refuse

I feel like I win when I loose

So before my ‘Waterloo’ my main focus was on desiring to be admired --desiring to be loved. My motivation to sacrifice, give up Indulgent Pleasures, and do good was based on receiving love from my family and community, which created many problems for me in my goal to develop compatible relationships with them. Anger, hurt feelings, frustration, irritation, stubbornness, blame, shame, selfishness, envy, pride, Asceticism and Indulgent Pleasure, etc. And I’m not saying I’m completely over all this. I know this is the natural man. It’s a part of our humanity. It’s a lifelong quest to be subject to it and to strive against it. But after I met Jesus Christ and saw what kind of person he was and experienced what it was like to be loved by him, it was all over. I experienced Sustainable Joy. Sustainable Attraction. Charity. Love. Eternal Pleasure. All of it. And that became my motive. Whether there's a higher way to love, I'm not sure. But I am motivated to sacrifice because first of all, I can't stand life when I separate myself from him, and secondly, when I see him in other people, I LOVE IT! I admire them and the Joy that I feel when I see their beauty and the empathy I experience when I understand them, is better than anything I've ever felt. I personally want to be loved like that, but that's not why I love like that. I love like that because that's what I love. That's the bottom line.

I thought I knew Jesus Christ before my Waterloo days, which started in around 2006. I had grown up a Christian. I had seen millions of paintings of him and had been reading the scripture about him and his influencers for years. But, that wasn’t enough for me. I had to come closer and see his personality, his character traits, and especially see what this God had to do with me personally. I mean, it’s all well and good to be totally amazing (You’re Welcome!). A person like that can exist and I would look and say, “That’s so good for you to be totally amazing. Congratulations.” But this was the difference between someone like that and him: He was interested in me, in what I thought, and in what I wanted. He wasn't all self-focussed. He was that amazing, knew it, but chose (and still chooses) to use it to serve others. His eyes are not on himself. They are on us - the individual he is interacting with. And to be aware of him looking at me, evaluating me...there is nothing better.

 Does that makes sense? Am I explaining it well enough to describe how I have seen him? 

Now, as I look back at myself – who I was back then – I am able to evaluate him a little more clearly. He was so empathetic with me but at the same time he would hold the line. He was willing to take my side but then asked for me to look at his. He was willing to help me obtain my goals even if my goals weren’t exactly the best. I became more interested to know what his goals were and to see where I could help him. He got behind me and helped me obtain my goals, so I eventually got behind him to help him obtain his.

Here's the point -- I think: The Sustainable Joy that I experience has taken the place of my Indulgent Pleasures, meaning it is stronger than any Indulgent Pleasure I have ever experienced. But he doesn't allow me to be indulgent with him. I know he is training me and I have to keep the rules. Yet what I feel when I'm with him is the most pleasure I could ever want or need. I'm still working on learning the rules, keeping them, growing in my abilities to be subject to higher level rules, so it's not like I can stay in that place 24/7. But this is the thing:  His love, the mere association with him, makes all Indulgent Pleasures completely nothing at all. They are just nothing at all compared to Him. 

So He is my reason for sacrificing, for being good, for serving. Why should I? Because he loves like this and he loves me like this.

This was a long post and a little meandering. If you hung in there, I hope it helps you know that there is an eternally deep well in Jesus Christ for all of us to tap into. I just don't think a lot of people understand just how deep and satisfying it is.