Spinning Like a Wobbly Top

The default when we are born into this world is that we all experience the Lord’s Peace continuously. It is given to us in the Northern Threshold and it is incredibly sustaining. We may not even realize we are being supported in this way until we separate ourselves from it by centrifugally spinning outward into NW and NE extremes. His Peace wanes as we increase the width of the arch of our spin. We move centrifugally instead of centripetally – our arrows point outward towards the imbalance instead of inward towards the balance.

"For the word of the Lord is truth, and whatsoever is truth is light, and whatsoever is light is Spirit, even the Spirit of Jesus Christ.

"And the Spirit giveth light to every man that cometh into the world; and the Spirit enlighteneth every man through the world, that hearkeneth to the voice of the Spirit." -D&C 86:45-46

In order to best understand what I'm talking about in this post, you should have previously read these posts:

I Have a Tale to Tell

I Learned My Lesson Well

I Know Where Beauty Lives

It Shines Inside You

The Secrets I Have Learned

Somebody Save Me

In 2006-08, the Lord taught me about these concepts. I learned about the semantic meaning behind the words Peace, Energy, Faith, and Sacrifice. 

Peace

Peace is comfort, spiritual nourishment, and rest. It is when we feel loved, cherished, cared for.

Energy

We experience an outward flow of Energy, which is somewhat painful when we voluntarily sacrifice for others.

Sacrifice

Sacrifice is when you expend effort and forego personal comfort in order to provide Peace for someone else. You parent in Mercy. Mercy is Justice over Time. You give your kids a space and time to learn, make mistakes, and grow. You do not exercise an excessive amount of Justice upon them. But you do train and educate them so they can learn higher-level functional relationship skills over time because God's Justice (the objective reality we all live in) incrementally increases over time.



Faith

We experience Peace when we put our Faith and trust in someone who has the will and capacity to help us bear our burdens – someone who voluntarily sacrifices for us. We hope to be parented in Mercy. We hope to have a space and time to learn, make mistakes, and grow. We submit ourselves to be trained and educated so we can learn higher-level function relationship skills over time.

I capitalize these words in my writing because I was trained to choose one word out of many synonyms to represent a semantic concept. That has been hard because every word adds a different brushstroke of meaning to my visualization of each of the variables.

Voluntary Sacrifice

Learning about these concepts helped me to understand that I needed to be sacrificing for my kids in Mercy. Mercy is just another word for the Northern Threshold. So, learning my role for them was very helpful. Parenting in Mercy is hard. It requires muscle, strength, sacrifice. It is supposed to hurt, but not be overwhelming. When I strive to parent centripetally in the Northern Threshold, I experience both the pain of Sacrifice and the Savior’s Peace, which when balanced is Joy.

It was important for me to understand that there was no other way for me to experience Joy. No one else could give it to me. Not even the Savior. I could experience his Peace, but without my Voluntary Sacrifice, I could not experience Joy. And I craved the Joy. I didn’t want to just sit around a feel comfortable because that actually turns into boredom and depression, which is the Northeast side of the Compass. I will talk about that in my next blog post. In this one, I will focus on the Northwest side.

Northwest Parenting

So, I already was sacrificing for my kids. In the 90s, when I was living in New Jersey and then later in Westminster, Colorado, the sacrifice parenting required of me was at the top of my NW threshold. Too often it escalated into overwhelming.

I’ll compare Sacrifice to running. In order to be a parent at the level I understood that to be, I was continually required to sprint at the top of my zone, and I was hitting my spiritual heart-rate-max too often. And this exhausted me. It made me feel like a total failure. I looked around at other moms “running beside me” that seemed to not be struggling at all. They were in the center of their zones. So, what the heck was wrong with me?

I wanted to keep up. I wanted to be a good mom. I had planned it that way. Why couldn’t I do this?

Even though I was struggling so intensely, I would not leave my post. In looking back, I see myself as Horton the elephant in the Dr. Seuss story, “Horton Hatches the Egg.” I was definitely as stubborn as he was in my commitment to stay home with my kids no matter how difficult the sacrifice.

“I meant what I said, and I said what I meant. An Elephant’s faithful one hundred percent.”

The storms and other sources of adversity that threatened to push me out of my nest were not only coming from external sources, but they were also coming from an intense internal source. I’m saying that my own inabilities over-intensified the way I felt more so than the storm itself. I wasn’t as patient and long-suffering as Horton. My parenting skills needed work. There were many times when my performance was subpar. I needed to be educated, retrained, strengthened, re-loved, re-parented in order to weather these storms more like Horton did. 

His Re-Parenting Process

It helped me immensely when the Lord showed me how to diagram my Processes (Faith and Sacrifice) and Effects (Peace and Energy) using a Compass as a metaphor. It empowered me with the knowledge of what was happening inside of me and how I could control it.

Northwest

He showed me that this is what was happening when I veered off into the Northwest:

Too Little Peace

I experienced hunger, discomfort, and unrest. I could not feel loved, cherished, or cared for. This is where the intense desire to be saved was coming from.

Too Much Sacrifice

I was Sacrificing too much for how little Peace I was receiving (or had received growing up). I didn’t anticipate motherhood being that hard. When conflicts arose, I didn’t know how to resolve them in a functional way – in Balanced Mercy. And this is all relative. I wasn’t completely dysfunctional. The issue was that I wasn’t happy with the level of my functionality. It seemed to sharply conflict with the eternal person that I really was. Thus, the intense battle within me. I needed to increase my ability to voluntarily sacrifice, but I didn’t know how. I needed to learn more Justice over Time = Mercy.

Too Much Pain

There was too much Energy flowing out of me because I was trying to parent my kids in the NW with too much Justice. I experienced too much stress. I was expecting too much of them and myself too soon. I didn’t know how else to do it. This was how I was raised. I mean, I didn’t like the disciplinary methods used upon me when I was a child and knew I should not discipline like that, but I didn’t realize that my expectations of children were one of the products of being raised like that. This was my understanding of Justice and Mercy. I definitely was not able to see that I was even contemplating these concepts at the time. But in hindsight, I could see that I was constantly trying to figure them out. While I would not let the abuse pass down upon my children if I had anything to do with it, I wasn’t yet able to figure out this Justice and Mercy thing. Therefore, I was a wall against the intense internal Justice that I had been raised with. It was continuously trying to force me to pass this onto my children, but I fought it like crazy to stop it. So much internal conflict.

Too Little Faith

This is where my relationship with Jesus Christ came in. I didn’t know that he had my back. I didn’t know how interactive he could be in my life. When it came to the day-to-day motherhood routine and all the little conflicts that arose between me and my kids, I didn’t realize I could trust him. I didn’t know about his Mercy for me. I had heard all of my life about Jesus Christ. I had loved him from a distance. I just didn’t know what his Atoning Sacrifice had to do with me, how it applied to me. And I didn’t know his governing style. So, I had too little faith in him. 

The Northwest side of the Semantic Compass is Fear or Anxiety. The Result was that I was spinning like a wobbly top ready to topple over.

I Was Having Nightmares and They Scared Me

When I was a little girl, maybe five or six years old, I often had nightmares. They scared me. They were about bad people intending to hurt me or other people. A reoccurring dream was that there was a bad man climbing through my bedroom window. When I woke up in the middle of the night after having one of these dreams, I lay awake listening for a creeping in the house, too afraid to get out of bed and go to my parents for comfort. Because of this, I had a difficult time getting to sleep each night.

This problem continued throughout my childhood until one night, my mom taught me how to pray. She said I could ask Heavenly Father to help stop the bad dreams. Before this, I had participated in family prayers, prayers at meal time, and prayers at church, but I hadn’t learned to pray to Him personally. 

So that night, I said a very simple prayer and asked, Please don’t let me have any bad dreams. I lay back down on my pillow and felt safe. Safe.

The bad dreams decreased. They went from being very frequent to occasional. If I ever woke up in the middle of the night, I would whisper to Him, asking Him to protect me and help me to sleep. My fear would decrease and I would fall back to sleep. The problem never escalated into anything serious.

I remember this so well because from that night on, throughout my childhood, teen, and even young adult years, I said the same prayer. I added more to it as I encountered more things that were outside of my control. There were things that I wanted and conflicts that I couldn’t solve. When I prayed for them, He would help. Being young in experience and endurance, I didn’t always recognize when He answered or that He had actually answered. The way He answered was often so gradual that I wasn’t aware enough to notice. 

When I got older, I started to pay more attention to this asking/answering relationship. The more I recognized the patterns in our communication, the stronger my faith grew.

Dynamically Just & Merciful

One of the predominant characteristics of Jesus Christ is being Merciful. Some of the synonyms I use for Merciful are long-suffering, flexible, full of grace, forgiveness, gentleness, kindness, and patience. I love this quality in him. But it wouldn’t be as beautiful to me if I didn’t also know about his Just side. 

Just
Some of the synonyms I use for Just are steadfast, immovable, powerful, intense, in control, driven, focused, committed, persistent, take-charge, and goal-oriented IN TRUTH. That last part—in truth—is extremely important to the description of this quality. There have been lots of tyrants in history that have been steadfast, immovable, and driven in their twisted beliefs and ideologies. What makes this quality so amazing in Christ is that it is combined with the Father’s pure truth. I want to spend a little time in this blog post highlighting Jesus’ Just characteristics but as I describe them I’m always keeping in mind that these qualities aren't as valuable to any of us unless they are used to promote truth and are dynamically balanced with Mercy.

Environmental Influences
I’ve been reading a little of Edersheim this week. I see that he believed that Jesus’ life and thinking were significantly influenced by his environment. He seemed to think our Savior formed opinions based on the opinions of others around him, like he was evaluating all of the arguable doctrines in existence to form an eclectic idea of what later turned out to be his doctrine.

“Other influences were at their silent work to weld His inward and outward development, and to determine the manner of His later Manifesting of Himself. We assume that the School-education of Jesus must have ceased soon after His return to Nazareth. Henceforth the Nazareth-influences on the Life and Thinking of Jesus may be grouped—and progressively as He advanced from youth to manhood—under these particulars:  Home, Nature, and Prevailing Ideas.” ~"The Life and Times of Jesus The Messiah” by Alfred Edersheim, pg. 173

“But whatever the precise relationship between Jesus and these ‘brothers and sisters,’ it must, on any theory, have been of the closest, and exercised its influence upon Him.” ~"The Life and Times of Jesus The Messiah” by Alfred Edersheim, pg. 174

It almost seems like Edersheim was concluding that, because Jesus had these family members and was raised in a zealot-like community, and because he was raised in such a rural area to have witnessed scenes of nature so often, he turned out the way he did and preached the things that he did.

Edersheim discusses Jesus’ brothers and describes them as cleaving to widely ranging Jewish ideas that represented various parties and movements of their day. I see Jesus as hearing them, evaluating them, and maybe even entering into some discussion with them on their beliefs, but I don’t think their perspectives would have changed his views if they conflicted with His Father’s. He would have seen what was true about their ideas and also what was false. He would have had the ability to evaluate where exactly a philosophy deviated from truth to become false, which meant he also knew how to make it true again by correcting the specific imbalanced reasoning. We know he would have been able to do this spiritually because it’s exactly what he did physically when he healed the people of their physical disabilities, maladies, and diseases. He repaired the cellular dysfunctions in diseased eyes, ears, musculature, bones, or other body systems so that they regained homeostasis and could operate normally.

We can see how he would have responded to his brothers' viewpoints by how he responded to the various groups of people he came in contact with—the Pharisees, Sadducees, Scribes, Lawyers, Essenes, Gentiles, Herodians, Romans, Samaritans, etc. Hearing his brothers' arguments would have only given him a taste of what he would later encounter when he left Nazareth to begin his Ministry.

“Beware lest any man spoil you through philosophy and vain deceit, after the tradition of men, after the rudiments of the world, and not after Christ.” ~Colossians 2:8

“Cursed is he that putteth his trust in man, or maketh flesh his arm, or shall hearken unto the precepts of men, save their precepts shall be given by the power of the Holy Ghost.” ~2 Nephi 28:31

The Son of God
I think that his environment, including family, nature, and prevailing ideas did influence the type of examples he used to convey his core doctrines to the people. It enabled him to know the people, empathize with them, and thereby be able to better communicate with them. But his core doctrines were not formed or changed by this environment. My reasoning behind this is that Jesus is the Son of God, not only in his physical genetics but also in his spiritual framework. His Father’s DNA was in him and his Father’s TRUTH was in him. And in this he was steadfast and immovable.

“I do nothing of myself; but as my Father hath taught me, I speak these things. And he that sent me is with me: the Father hath not left me alone; for I do always those things that please him.” ~John 8:28-29

Jesus Christ was and is the product of God. Everything he evaluated or experienced was purposefully and intently organized and defined through his Father's framework. The various societal movements would not have formed his core thinking and teachings. He received his doctrine straight from God.

“Jesus answered them, and said, My doctrine is not mine, but his that sent me.” ~John 7:16

“…the works that I do in my Father’s name, they bear witness of me.” ~John 10:25

His environment just provided the movie screen of examples which played out various ways people and things could be balanced in truth or imbalanced in error. His family’s and community’s various viewpoints, the physical properties in nature, and the societal dynamics he observed only served as scattered building blocks for him to categorize into their appropriate positions in relationship to the framework of truth that was already in Him. And let's not forget he was the one who created all these things in the first place. His life experience must have been more like remembering who he was, what he had already done, and why he seemed to know all the things that he knew. Déjà vu must have been his frequent experience.

"...and many hearing him were astonished, saying, From whence hath this man these things? and what wisdom is this which is given unto him, that even such mighty works are wrought by his hands?" ~Mark 6:2

The quality of being Just was in Jesus in regards to the doctrine that his Father sent him to teach and exemplify. He was no push over. He was no wimp. He had an agenda and was constantly driven to fulfilling it. He was focused and committed. He was an intense, take-charge kind of man.

“And they were astonished at his doctrine: for he taught them as one that had authority, and not as the scribes.” ~Mark 1:22

Very Male
I’ve had some personal experiences with this part of our Savior’s personality. I have to say that this is seriously one of my favorite things about him. But again, it’s because it’s always done to promote truth (teaching me something so I can grow) and is balanced with his Mercy (comforting me, stabilizing me). I grew up in California. My family often went to the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk, which is an amusement park right off the beach. There is a roller coaster there called the Giant Dipper. I road it a number of times every time I went there. As I got older and moved away, I stopped riding roller coasters. I was more interested in life’s real roller coasters and the post-nausea deterred me from having much desire to seek out these kinds of amusements. When we went back in July of 2008 for a family reunion, it had been a long time since I had ridden one. By this point in my life I had developed a pretty close relationship with the Lord. I had developed the ability to keep my mind with His predominantly.

“Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not.” ~D&C 6:36

I sensed he wanted me to go on the Giant Dipper with my kids. Just have fun with them. I was good watching them enjoy themselves but the instructions were to join them. So I did. Haha. The roller coaster has this drop off in the very beginning that is pretty steep and in the past I always experienced the weightless-stomach-drop fear. But this time when the coaster cars started going over the edge, I could feel His inclinations inside of me. He was riding that roller coaster as if he were in charge of it, as if his foot were on the gas peddle that controlled its speed. His attitude was like, “Bring it on!” I could even sense his desire to increase the speed and altitude. Very male. Definitely not my way of viewing the situation. Yet, after experiencing that with him, I have to say it is one of my top 10 favorite experiences of my life.

Alpha Male
This wasn’t the only time I became more aware of this Alpha-Male-God-like disposition. In August of 2009 on another family vacation in Durango, Colorado at Lake Vallecito, we rented a jet ski. I was in charge of driving it from the dock where we rented it to a dock closer to where we were all staying. This was the first time I had handled a jet ski. I had driven speed boats at Lake Powell but not one of these smaller faster machines. Even though the owners had gone over how to use it, I was nervous. But I took the challenge anyway. So when I got on it with a couple of the kids and started out across the lake, I could feel His confidence inside me, contrasting with my fear. He was urging me to speed up and take some risks. Not crazy stupid risks. He was just telling me to let go a little, relax, have fun. So I sped up. I felt exhilaration inside of me. I felt safe because of him. I couldn't help but exclaim, “Woooohooo!” I sensed that a lot of that need for speed and the exhilaration was him, not me. I was just laughing at it. So funny!

Listen: "Emmanuel" by Amy Grant

So the point of sharing these stories about him is to demonstrate that I felt through personal experience those same Just characteristics that come across in his personality as I read his story in the scriptures. He inherently takes control of the situations he finds himself in. He drives. He is the Alpha Male. As mentioned earlier, some people might have this quality in them and just end up using it to do stupid things. They may force their dominance to accomplish things that result in very bad consequences such as Caesar, Hitler, Napoleon, or other tyrannical historical leaders. Many in our day use it to go overboard in risky behavior and then cry out for someone to save them. Our Redeemer uses it in truth and in balance with his Mercy. That is, he is able to use it to accomplish Sustainable Results that are good—that are exactly what he intended to accomplish. He’s able to see the Results of whatever he does before he even begins. He doesn’t allow himself to get carried away in extremes.

“My name is Jehovah, and I know the end from the beginning; therefore my hand shall be over thee.” ~Abraham 2:8

He Always Has A Purpose
He usually doesn't do things or have me do things just for the heck of it. There is a purpose behind everything. I think his message in hanging out with me on roller coasters and jet skis is that when I am faced with the roller coaster events of life, I need to let go and trust him more. He is my rock. He is my firm foundation. I can rely on him. He knows what he's doing and can handle the situation. He wanted me to look at the stressful situations that come up in my life more as opportunities than things to run away from or avoid. I tend to be very careful to not make choices that end me up in situations I totally regret. We can live our lives by taking too many risks or too little. I tend to err in taking too little. From these experiences, I got the impression that I needed to loosen up my tight grip on life, take more chances, and just let him save me once in a while.

“…he is my rock, and there is no unrighteousness in him.” ~Psalms 92:15

“Therefore whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock: And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell not: for it was founded upon a rock.” ~Matthew 7:24-25

Empowerment
A really cool example to demonstrate how I have seen Him up close using this strength of his to empower others (Merciful) happened on one of our Colorado Cares Days. Our stake does this every year. We join our community to beautify our local parks and open spaces. In August of 2013 we were working on digging up fence posts. I got there a little late so there were many people already at work. I noticed some men were sweating profusely and expending all their energy to get just one post out of the ground. There were several of them working on one post at a time and I could see their progress was way slow. I work a lot in my yard so I’m not a stranger to these kinds of activities. I had dug up tree stakes before and I knew that once they were in the ground it is seriously hard to get them out. These fence posts were similar but heavier, deeper, and bigger. I noticed they were trying to use a tool designed to make this process more efficient. But they had broken one of them already so they were just using their shovels to dig it out. So here’s the cool thing. I was watching them and asked about how the tool worked. They showed me and as they did I saw exactly what they needed to do to make it work right. It was like I could just sense what the problem was. I had never used a tool like that before but I somehow knew how to use it. 

They needed to make sure the base was at a 90 degree angle to the post before they put pressure on it to ratchet the post out. They hadn’t dug enough room in front of the post so that the tool could sit flat in the hole like that. But once I pointed that out to them and helped them with the first one, they did it in no time. Out popped the fence post and off they went to do the next one. I noticed them teaching the rest of the men after that so that it became a rewarding challenge to get them out instead of an excruciating back-breaking job that took forever to accomplished next to nothing. 

I recognized that the “know-how” didn’t originate with me. It was Him. He knows these things and when I work to keep my mind and spirit with him, his knowledge becomes mine. It’s like he’s logged into my mind and he can see what is going on through my eyes as if they were a FaceTime camera, and he basically thinks the solution and it is simultaneously downloaded to my mind. So I just receive his thoughts and inclinations as if they were my own and then do what he would do to resolve the conflict. This kind of experience is pretty common for me when I’m trying to fix things around the house.

But at the Colorado Cares day it could have been a touchy situation. Me telling those men what to do. So I had to help out as nonchalantly as I could. I had to give the least amount of directions to help them see what they needed to do. I couldn’t do it in pride—like a know-it-all. I had to be humble, objective, strategic. In short, I tried to make it look like they were the ones who figured it out and just quietly moved away after they had done so.

“It’s amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit.” ~Harry S. Truman

Acknowledgment, Admiration, Gratitude
To acknowledge the presence of the Lord inside of me and his Justice-strengths brings me greater happiness than to claim the credit for myself. I would rather admire than be admired.  And that’s saying something because I do like to be admired. I just would rather be admired by someone I totally admire. I can’t develop that admiration for Him if I’m always taking the credit.

It is a total joy to see Jehovah in action. I marvel at his Alpha-Male-no-fear character and his ability to fix anything and everything. I love his behind-the-scenes way of sharing these strengths with me and others without worrying about who gets the credit. This method of communicating is taking a back seat to us. That’s pretty hard for someone to do who has so much drive, natural ability, and knowledge about how everything works. He knows all the answers yet he whispers them to us as we ask for them instead of stepping in front of us and doing it all himself.

So this is how I’m seeing the Lord. First, he is so Just in complete truth. Second, he’s imparting his strengths, skills, and knowledge to men, women, and children who actively seek his presence and guidance without trying to take all the credit. We are At-One-Ment with God. To acknowledge him and his Atoning power is our choice, privilege, and gratitude. When we do, he is more apt to hang out with us and give us his precious confidence and guidance. He is amazingly beautiful! I’m so thankful for these experiences. I love to see who he is. It is the Joy of my existence!

Listen: "When You Say Nothing At All" by Alison Krauss