Stopped at the Gates

In 2014, when I was traveling through Israel with my tour group, we visited several sites sacred to Israelis. Our tour guide told us that we should dress appropriately. At least knee-length pants or dresses and longer shirt sleeves. In short, if we wanted to get in, we couldn’t wear tank tops or shorts. 

However, when we went to the Wailing Wall at Temple Mount in Jerusalem, probably the most sacred place for the Israeli people, some members of our group who had forgotten the dress code wore short shorts and tank tops. They were stopped at the gates. The guards wouldn’t let them in. 

But they really wanted to go in. They had been looking forward to seeing the Wailing Wall for the entire trip. They had previously written a prayer on a piece of paper that they wanted to put in one of the crevices of the wall. They were so relieved when someone told them that there were vendors outside the gates selling coverings. After purchasing the coverings and putting them on, they approached the gates again, and the guards let them in. 

Communicate Respect or Disrespect

I have thought about this experience often. Through it and other similar experiences in foreign countries I’ve learned that I communicate respect or disrespect through the way I dress, the way I speak, and the way I act. This concept becomes extremely clear when I visit other countries and especially their sacred places. If I want in, it is an act of humility, respect, and love to make the effort to speak their language and follow their rules.

Kicking Bad Habits – Spiritual Gates

Now scroll back to 1984-85, when I was 15 years old and had recently gone back to church (see Change Like A Sunrise). I was learning more about God and his way of doing things and came to a sort of spiritual gate. I wanted to enter in, but I was stopped and directed to change something about myself first. Here’s how that happened:

I had picked up the habit of swearing during my junior high days. So, even after I went back to church at fourteen, I was still swearing until the beginning of my sophomore year of high school. 

There was one day when I was hanging out with a few of my friends around the cement planter at Santa Teresa High School where we always hung out. I swore and then suddenly sensed that I should not do that anymore. It wasn’t a harsh voice speaking to me. It was more like a suggestion – one that hadn’t occurred to me before that moment. I had approached a point of increased self-awareness and realization. 

It was like the guards at the Wailing Wall that told my friends that they couldn’t come in until they were dressed appropriately. I had come to a gate in my spiritual progression. I needed to increase my respect past this point. I could have chosen not to go in just like my friends in Israel could have chosen that. I could have stayed on that side of the gate and continued along the same pathway. But like them, I really wanted to enter in. 

I chose to change my language. From that time forward, I dropped the habit completely.

The Gates of Heaven

Throughout my life, I have continued to approach other gates. I’m not fully aware of them until I get there and realize the choice. The choice is usually about sacrificing my old ways of doing things for better ways.

I love these gates because they are evidence that the Lord is actively training me. Each gate represents an incremental level and invitation to draw closer to him. My motivation to change is driven by His intense Spirit. It’s a total privilege. At each gate, he unlocks chains that have kept me at a level of sorrow I had no idea I could overcome. It’s the best feeling I’ve ever experienced.

Could I Forgive My Past Self?

When I was growing up, my family didn’t have a lot. We struggled financially. I didn’t have money to buy what I wanted. And there were many little things that I really wanted. One day, I found some money in my mom’s dresser drawer that I knew belonged to my little sister, Emelia. She had received it for her birthday. I guess my mom was keeping it because Emelia was only eight years old. It was sixty dollars, three twenties. I didn’t think anyone was using it or that they needed it as much as I did. So, I took it.

I stored it on the top shelf of my closet and would take a little down at a time. I used it over the course of several months to buy the things a fourteen-year-old girl wanted. When my mom asked me if I took the money, I told her I hadn’t. I think she ended up blaming my brother.

Do you feel guilty?

One day I was taking some of the money down, when a question came into my mind:

“Do you feel guilty?”

“No.”

“But do you remember learning in primary that stealing is wrong?”

“Yeah, but they said I would feel guilty, and I don’t. I feel perfectly fine.”

I distinctly remember analyzing the lack of guilt that I felt. At the time, I saw the conversation as my own thoughts. But now that I know how the Lord talks to me, I can look back at these memories and identify his presence more accurately. This was definitely one of those moments when he was working with me.

The more I changed, the more it bothered me

This situation was not resolved when I was 14. I did not do the right thing right away. I was focused on my own needs and had little empathy for my sister’s. But over the next few years when I went back to church, I grew up and grew closer to the Lord. The incident was always in the back of my mind. I never forgot it. The more I changed, the more it bothered me that I had done it. 

In a young women’s class, in a Sunday school class, or in a sacrament talk, I heard about making restitution for the things that we did wrong in order to truly repent. Some things were outside of our control, and we couldn’t physically do anything to make amends. But other things we could. I heard this lesson a number of times between the ages of 14 and 19. And when I did, I reflected on the stolen money. The guilt increased over these years. I never felt toxically ashamed; the feeling was more like motivation to make it right. I was one way at 14. I was another at 15 and another at 16 and 17 and 18 and 19.

The motivation converted into action

By age 19, the motivation converted into action. When I came home for the summer from my first year of college, I got my first full-time job. One day after work, I stopped by the teller and withdrew sixty dollars. That evening, I asked my mom and sister to come into my room. Emelia was now around the same age I had been when I took her money.

“I need to tell you guys something. Remember when someone took the sixty dollars that Emelia got for her birthday?”

They nodded.

“It was me. I’m sorry.” I didn’t cry. I felt solemn and excited at the same time. I handed Emelia the three twenty dollar bills (I didn’t know about interest rates at this age).

My mom hooted and said, “I wondered what had happened to that money.” She was happy and maybe even a little surprised that I was making restitution of my own free will.

Emelia had a big smile on her face. At eight years old, she may not have completely understood what she had lost. Now, it was clear that she understood the value of it. Sixty bucks was a lot of money for a 13 year old girl.

Could I forgive my past self? 

In telling this story, my hope is not to highlight my goodness. It’s actually pretty difficult for me to tell it because my values are so different than they were at fourteen. I am not that girl anymore. Her ways are no longer my ways. Her thoughts are no longer my thoughts. I see her as I would another person. And the Savior has taught me to have compassion on her.

That said, my main purpose is to illuminate the atonement of Jesus Christ in action. He wanted to know how much I understood about what I was doing. Maybe he questioned me to make sure. And maybe the questions were more for an older women when she looked back on the younger. Could I forgive my past self if I remembered that she didn’t completely understand the “why” behind the laws?

They that are without the law

A number of years ago, I learned more about Him and the way his Mercy works:

“For behold that all little children are alive in Christ, and also all they that are without the law. For the power of redemption cometh on all them that have no law; wherefore, he that is not condemned, or he that is under no condemnation, cannot repent.” ~Moroni 8:22

Under the Savior’s laws of Mercy, He gave me time to grow up, learn more, and to repent. He held back the full consequences of Justice for me. At no time did he smother me with guilt. But this wasn’t a free pass to just keep on stealing what I wanted. Over the next several years, he worked on me, trained me step by step, and I listened. 

I don’t think that it was ever about the money for him. I think it has always been about me learning the best and most sustainable way to obtain my desires and resolve my conflicts.

The laws of Justice & Mercy

At fourteen, I obviously knew that I shouldn’t take the money. I knew the law. According to Justice, I was guilty. But because of Mercy, I was given time for the law to become written in my heart. I was given time to decide who I wanted to be and to whom I would swear allegiance. At fourteen I had very little sense of belonging. I was operating in survival mode - just looking out for myself. I had not yet consciously devoted myself and my life to Christ. But over the course of the next five years, I gradually became aware of my identity. As my mind sharpened and my awareness of my choices increased, I chose who I would be allegiant to. I became a strong advocate for Christ. And that became a powerful reason for my obeying the law.

My story reminds me of Eustace Scrubb’s in The Voyage of the Dawn Treader by C.S. Lewis. This character is a pain in the butt during the first half of the book. He is always looking out for number one, which ends up causing other people trouble. But in the story he is cursed for stealing and changed into a dragon. He is not happy about this consequence and views it as a prison. Aslan is the lion character that symbolizes Jesus Christ. He works with Eustace to tear off the dragon’s skin layer by layer. Eustace changes through this experience. He becomes compassionate, empathetic, and courageous. He is forever after allegiant to Aslan.

Layer by layer. That is a good description of how I changed over the course of time, from fourteen to nineteen years old. And it’s a good description of how I have continued to change through the Savior’s training throughout my entire life. If I were to dwell in Toxic Shame on any of my past layers, it would really deter me from my future growth. 

The only way I have been able to let go of the past and become more than I once was has been to learn to have as much Mercy on my past self as Christ has had on her. As I have increased in this ability, my patience and empathy with my own kids and other people has increased. Because I was given Mercy, I am bound by the laws of Mercy. I am obligated to forgive myself and others who don’t yet know the law and who do not yet have it written in their hearts. I am harshly censured when I don’t.

Reality Hit: Smoking Is not a Good Idea

My early life was like finding my way through a dark maze. I had to learn a lot of things by taking a pathway and finding out it was a dead end. This story is about one of those experiences. 

Somewhere around the end of 7th grade, beginning of 8th, I met some new friends. They smoked. One of them gave me a pack of cigarettes. I tried them. I smoked off and on throughout my 8th grade year. This was the year I stopped going to church. I’m not sure which came first – the smoking or the decision to quit going to church. I sometimes smoked with other friends who didn’t smoke. It always made me feel guilty. Even though I generally didn’t feel very bad about doing it, I sometimes was aware that I should be the one setting the example here and I wasn’t.

Nicotine is Extremely Toxic

One side effect from smoking was that it hurt my stomach and gave me diarrhea. About 30 years later in my BYU-I Anatomy and Physiology class, I would learn that nicotine stimulates both the sympathetic (fight of flight) nervous system and the parasympathetic (rest and digest) nervous system. The body doesn’t know what to do because it is receiving conflicting signals. Heart rate becomes irregular because there are simultaneous stimuli to increase and decrease it. My textbook ends this description with, “Nicotine is extremely toxic, and even small amounts can be lethal” (BIO 264-265, McGraw Hill, 2014, p. 561). At 13 years old, I don’t remember being too worried about the long-term effects of smoking. After all, my grandpa smoked, and he didn’t seem any worse for it. And I totally looked up to him. But at the same time, I didn’t like the stomach aches and the diarrhea.

Motion and Smoke Sickness Mixed Together

Towards the end of 8th grade I was invited to a slumber party. We all went to Marriott’s Great American on a Friday night. A group of us went on the birdcage ride. A few of us pulled out cigarettes and started smoking. A number of things happened. Most of the girls did not smoke with us. I sensed they felt uncomfortable. I became conscious of my responsibility to set a good example again. The guilt was intense. At the same time, I was feeling motion sick from the ride. That combined with the dizziness or “buzz” from the nicotine left me feeling super sick. 

The reality seemed to hit me all at once: Smoking is not a good idea.

The next day, I made a decision: I would never smoke again. I never did. 

Guilt is Helpful Sometimes

In hindsight, I recognize the guilty feeling as the Lord’s censure. Because I had been baptized and had made a commitment to stand as a witness of his name, I was accountable. I have been censured or chastised similarly over the years for other things, so I am now more familiar with his voice. And so, looking back at these events, I see that it was him trying to steer me in the right direction. But I also notice that he valued my agency. He didn’t want the reason I decided to quit to be about force or ascetic manipulation. He wanted it to be my choice. Was I interested in taking care of my body and being a good example or not? What was most important to me? I made the choice and we moved on.

The repentance decision triggered a domino-effect of subsequent events. These were good and spiritually progressive events. 

I've written about them here: Change Like A Sunrise.

If you didn't read the last post, you should. It's a good one. It's not only about where Jesus grew up, but also about a quiet, tender mercy that happened while I was touring Israel a few years ago. Read it here: Where Had Jesus Grown Up?

It Was a Year of Shadow

In 1983 when I was 13 years old and in 8th grade, I stopped going to church. My mom said I could make my own decision about going, and so I chose not to go. It was a year of shadow. At least that’s what the memories look like now. At the time, I didn’t notice the shifting shades of gray as I walked along this pathway. And I wasn’t yet able to associate many of the consequences that occurred that year as a result of my choice. It’s only in hindsight that I see the link. 

It wasn’t so much that I should have been at church and wasn’t. It was that in not going I stepped away from the steady source of light and truth that is especially valuable to children who are just developing their sense of who they are. I became unconscious of my value, my worth, my accountability to God.

During this year of overcast skies, I had some friends that smoked. I was curious when they handed me a cigarette. I wondered how it would make me feel. So, I tried it. I didn’t feel bad about it. One night, they got a hold of some marijuana and invited me to try it. Again, I was curious about how it would make me feel. I tried it. The effect was that it took away some of my ability to choose. I remember I didn’t have a lot of control over what I said. It was like my boundaries were down. Thankfully, I didn’t do anything more than hang out with my friends that night. When I got home, I lay down on my bed and saw myself almost from a third-person perspective. A voice in my head spoke:

“Do you like how you feel?”

“No,” I responded.

“Then we don’t have to do this again.”

“Okay.”

I never did.

Differentiating Between The Thoughts In My Head

Perfectionism: Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

I remember feeling similar to the girl in the video behind the above link. It was during a time that I was actively striving to live my life better. Previous to this time period, I often looked in the mirror, listened, and agreed with a voice in my head that said, “You are so fat and ugly.” Consequently, I didn’t feel very good about myself. 

During this same time I was in the habit of reacting to people when there were conflicts in our relationships. But through the grace of God (literally) and his personal training, I was making improvements. 

However, one day, I had a bad day. Regression. I was on my bed thinking about what an awful person I was. I thought that even though I was trying to improve, I would never be the person I wanted to be. My continuous mistakes and my imperfect past made it impossible. Because I hadn’t grown up making all of the right choices from the beginning, I would never truly be valuable. 

My thoughts said to me, “Who are you kidding? You will never be who you want to be.” 

But at the same time another voice in my head was evaluating these thoughts. This part said that the first voice was not only attacking me but also Jesus Christ. To assert that I could not change myself for the good, was an indirect attack on the Atonement of Jesus Christ. This voice was basically saying that Jesus Christ was not powerful enough to enable me to change and become everything that I desired to become.

I responded something like this, “What the heck! You are right!”

Then I turned to the first voice and said, “You can attack me all day and I might believe it’s true. But when you attack Jesus Christ and tell me he doesn’t have the power to make something beautiful out of me then you give yourself away. I know who you are and you are completely wrong. Leave!”

That was a life changing experience for me. I remember thinking that I would never hang out with someone who was putting me down all the time. I would choose to separate myself from someone who degraded me, instead of constructively helped me achieve my goals. So why would I choose to entertain such mean thoughts about myself? 

Knowing I have the responsibility to choose which thoughts to accept and which ones to reject has been powerful for me. Stopping them early before they suck me into a black hole I can’t easily get out of has been a very important skill to learn. Fighting for my Savior first gives me the strength to fight for myself. 

This has made all the difference in how I feel about my personal worth. Actively choosing to listen to, entertain, and believe appreciative thoughts about myself and receiving respectful constructive training as well as empathetic kind words makes me a happy person. When I am a happy person I have an easy time appreciating, respecting, and being kind and empathetic to others.

Emmanuel, God With Us

This post is part 2 of the last one. The topic of the last one was our covenant relationship with Jesus Christ and how it is sometimes likened to the covenants made between a husband and wife in marriage. Our Savior never breaks up with us. We are usually the ones who wander off. We do that by breaking our commitments to him in sundry ways. We cheat.

What Really Matters: Striving to Get the Cheat Out
Some people don’t cheat at all. That’s our Savior, Heavenly Father, and the Holy Ghost. Some people cheat a little and others cheat a lot. Some are striving a little to get the cheat out of them and others are striving a lot to get it out. How much we are trying to get the cheat out of us with real intent determines the kind of people we spiritually live with NOW and spiritually and physically will live with in heaven (our Paradise). It determines just how close of a relationship with our Savior we have now and throughout all of eternity. If we continuously break our commitments to him without sincerely repenting, we separate ourselves from him.

“If ye keep my commandments, ye shall abide in my love; even as I have kept my Father’s commandments, and abide in his love.” ~John 15:10

“For their works do follow them” ~3 Nephi 27:12

“And it is requisite with the justice of God that men should be judged according to their works; and if their works were good in this life, and the desires of their hearts were good, that they should also, at the last day, be restored unto that which is good. And if their works are evil they shall be restored unto them for evil. Therefore, all things shall be restored to their proper order, every thing to its natural frame” ~Alma 41:3-4

“…and it shall be unto every man according to his work.” ~Alma 32:20

“Verily I say unto you, That the publicans and the harlots go into the kingdom of God before you.” ~Matthew 21:31

“If you love me, keep my commandments.” ~John 14:15

Proximity
Some people today are offended by the fact that they won’t be forgiven IN their sins (Alma and Amulek in Ammonihah; also check out D&C 19). This means that they demand forgiveness and Mercy of God and his people without any intentions of ceasing their cheating behavior (Cain). They want to be allowed to live with people who don’t cheat even though they purposefully continue to do so themselves. It is not that they aren’t allowed to live. They are. Just at a certain degree of distance from Christ. None of us can enjoy the close living quarters of our Savior and those who are like him unless we sincerely and consistently repent. It’s all about PROXIMITY. We are required to forgive all men and endure their persecutions and negligence in the hopes that sacrifice will eventually soften their hearts to be motivated to get the cheat out. But if they persist in their cheating ways, there will come a time when God will either separate them from us or will instruct us to separate from them. PROXIMITY.

“Wherefore, he is the firstfruits unto God, inasmuch as he shall make intercession for all the children of men; and they that believe in him shall be saved.” ~2 Nephi 2:9

Examples of Separation: Decreases in Proximity
Moses and the Children of Israel separated from Egypt and Pharaoh. 

Lehi and his Family separated from the people in Jerusalem

Nephi and all who obeyed the commandments of God in his family separated from his brothers Laman and Lemuel

Alma, the elder and his people separated from the Lamanites and priests of King Noah

The people of Anti-Nephi-Lehi separated from their Lamanite brothers and the descendants of the priests of Noah who were slaughtering them

Our Potential
We have the potential to be in our Savior’s continuous spiritual presence. For each of us, the degree and frequency of his spiritual presence (Proximity) is based on the individual degree of Faith we place in Him. Each of us chooses just how close of a relationship we want to have with him. Those of us who want to be closer, need to sacrifice more. We sacrifice relationships with Causes that conflict with Him (And this gets pretty tough the closer we get to him. It's scary.). It is when we put our trust in Conflicting Causes that we are led to cheat. It is helpful for me to not pretend that I have none of this tendency inside of me. We all have some level of it. It is the natural man. It is born out of Fear, which conflicts with our Faith. When the going gets tough, we tend to fear and then grasp onto what those Conflicting Causes have to offer (Pseudo Effects) instead of remaining steadfast in our relationship with Christ. This is when we “play the harlot” or “cheat.”  

Accountability
We all are presently at a certain degree of Proximity to our Savior in our relationship with him. The more we know him and understand him, his Gospel, the way he expects us to live AND are receiving the attendant privileges that come with this level of commitment, the more accountable we are to him (To whom much is given…). Cheating for someone who knows him better may not be cheating for someone who doesn’t know him as well.

“For behold that all little children are alive in Christ, and also all they that are without the law. For the power of redemption cometh on all them that have no law; wherefore, he that is not condemned, or he that is under no condemnation, cannot repent; and unto such baptism availeth nothing—" ~Moroni 8:22

Those who are closer to him not only need to control their words and actions, but also their thoughts and the Desires of their hearts. That is the spiritual realm. That is where the closer relationship with our Savior takes place.

“The kingdom of heaven is at hand.” ~Matthew 10:7

“Yea, I tell thee, that thou mayest know that there is none else save God that knowest thy thoughts and the intents of thy heart.” ~D&C 6:16

“Behold, the kingdom is yours. And behold, and lo, I am with the faithful always. Even so. Amen.” ~D&C 62:9

“…for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.” ~1 Samuel 16:7

“For how knoweth a man the master whom he has not served, and who is a stranger unto him, and is far from the thoughts and intents of his heart?” ~Mosiah 5:13

“Wherefore the Lord said, Forasmuch as this people draw near me with their mouth, and with their lips do honour me, but have removed their heart far from me, and their fear toward me is taught by the precept of men…” ~Isaiah 29:13

"Darling If You Want Me To Be Closer To You, Get Closer To Me"
If we want him to remain with us or for him to come closer, we need to make and keep our internal spiritual environment clean and holy. Our thoughts and Desires need to be aligned with his. And I’m not saying we have to be filled with some impossible prude-like angelic purity all the time. He doesn't want that. He knows we have to deal with people who cheat on us. There are people who conflict with us and Him in their ways, their abuses, and their negligences. He had to deal with many cheaters during his lifetime. 

“And he said unto them, Ye are from beneath; I am from above: ye are of this world; I am not of this world. I said therefore unto you, that ye shall die in your sins: for if ye believe not that I am he, ye shall die in your sins.” ~John 8:23-24

He still has to deal with people like that. There is a space that he gives us in our relationship with him where we can hash out all of our frustrations and bad thoughts and feelings that are the result of interacting with cheaters. He is our Savior. How could our relationship with him be sustainable if he only wanted to hear about all our angelic thoughts and then left us alone during our struggles with our hellish thoughts?

“He lives to grant me rich supply.
He lives to guide me with his eye.
He lives to comfort me when faint.
He lives to hear my soul's complaint.
He lives to silence all my fears.
He lives to wipe away my tears.
He lives to calm my troubled heart.
He lives all blessings to impart.”
~"I Know My Redeemer Lives" text by Samuel Medley

Listen:  “Better than a Hallelujah” by Amy Grant

Come Unto Me, All Ye That Labour and Are Heavy Laden
There is a difference between temporarily struggling with hurt, frustrated, sorrowful, fearful, and doubtful thoughts/feelings and our subsequent unavoidable repulsions towards others AND nourishing vengeful, angry, bitter, jealous, self-pity thoughts over extended periods of time. He knows that our relationships with other people who cheat on us are going to cause all manner of ground shaking imbalances inside of us. He wants us to come to him when we are experiencing adversity. He’s got our backs. When we come to him, he heals us so that we won’t respond to others in kind. 

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” ~Matthew 11:28-30

There Is a Season
Sometimes it takes time to get through our more difficult trials, but he understands all of that. Part of our Faith is learning how to be patient with ourselves during these times of healing and Conflict Resolution, instead of condemning ourselves. There are times when we won’t be able to return to loving thoughts and desires right away. Giving ourselves and our Savior enough space and time to rebalance us is crucial to sustaining our relationship with him and crucial to maintaining protection from the overwhelming temptations Conflicting Causes are always offering us.

There literally is a time and a season for all things. Time matters. He gives us time.

“To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.”

~Ecclesiastese 3:1-8

Listen:  “Turn, Turn, Turn” by the Byrds

Taking the Lord’s Name in Vain
When we take the Lord’s name in vain, we are cheating on him. We receive the privileges from the relationship but purposefully or negligently fail to fulfill our responsibilities. One of the primary responsibilities of our covenant relationship with him is to STAY with him in good times and in bad times. But when we do fear, doubt, wander, cheat, and basically try out the comforts and Conflict Resolution Processes of Conflicting Causes and find that they are not working for us, He is always waiting for us to come back. He doesn’t hold grudges. He uses empathy and patience when he contemplates our deviations. He wants to reestablish our covenant relationship. He wants to fulfill his promises to us if we will recommit to fulfilling ours. 

Experience
Our Redeemer wants us to have experiences away from him with Conflicting Causes so we will know without a doubt why there is no better relationship to make our priority relationship. He wants us to experience the sorrow of following other pathways, so we can know just how good we had it with Him. He gives us a space. He wants us to cheat but he doesn’t want us to. He would rather that we just give him the benefit of the doubt. He doesn’t want us to leave him for someone else and subsequently experience all kinds of sorrow, which I am sure has and will continue to cause him all kinds of sorrow (#Gethsemane, #TheCross). Yet, at the same time, if we are going to remain wishy-washy, lukewarm, constantly doubtful, plagued by harlot-like itches, and lacking the ability to remain allegiant to him, he would rather us go out and see if we can find a better Husband, Cause, Leader, King, Provider, Teacher, Exemplar, Evaluator.

The Wrath of God—Adversity
But we all know that the wrath of God does indeed exist. It’s real.  I personally think the wrath of God is the adversity we experience when we are living life too far from Him. It has taken my experience with intense adversity to motivate me to firmly establish unshakeable boundaries between me and Conflicting Causes. That intense adversity always accompanies putting my trust in them. My experience with adversity also increases the strength of the bonds of love in my relationship with my Savior Jesus Christ. 

Because I experience adversity and depression when I am living my life too far from him, I can understand more of who I am. I can understand just how close I need to be to him in order to live in Sustainable Joy now and eternally.  I don’t need to feel ashamed or guilty because I’m majorly depressed or stressed out when I’m too far from him. I don’t see this as a punishment. I mean, I could look at it that way but I don’t. I see it as an invitation to come home—to come closer.  I see that I’m missing him. I’m missing that pure love that I once lived with. My spirit needs PROXIMITY.  I see the existence of the feelings of depression and anxiety as beacons that are calling me home to him. They testify of my need for Him. And the beacon is basically saying to me, 

Climb every mountain
Search high and low
Follow every byway
Every path you know

Climb every mountain
Ford every stream
Follow every rainbow
'Till you find your dream

A dream that will need
All the love you can give
Every day of your life
For as long as you live

~“Climb Every Mountain” from the movie Sound of Music

I’m seriously amazed by his forgiveness, his loyalty, his mercy, his empathy. Yet I’m also impressed by his unyielding nature when I cheat. He won’t cross certain lines no matter how much I plead with him. He expects me to change where I need to change. He makes me run where I need to run. He expects me to keep my commitments if I want the continuous privilege of his presence. Coming to know him better through scriptures study, prayer, and applying what I learn has increased His Proximity to me. It is that pure love—His Charity—that has pulled me out of the pit I used to live in—a place that was too distant (for me) from where he is. 

How is it possible that such a dynamically beautiful, just, loving, steadfast, merciful, dangerous person exists? Can it really be true? What I’m trying to say in this post and perhaps in everything I write is that the answer to all our problems is Emmanuel, God with us! Oh it is wonderful, wonderful to me!

Listen: “Love is the Answer” by England Dan & John Ford Coley

Why Would He Want Us Back?

Jesus Christ will never break up with his people. Yet he will allow them to break up with him. That's allowing them their agency. He knows they won’t find a better Cause so if they do choose to go away from him, they will bring greater adversity into their lives in the long run. It will only be a matter of time experiencing relationships with other Causes before they come back. For some people it takes more time and experience than others.

“And my people are bent to backsliding from me” ~Hosea 11:7

“Why then is this people of Jerusalem slidden back by a perpetual backsliding? they hold fast deceit, they refuse to return.” ~Jeremiah 8:5

“Yea, for thus saith the Lord: Have I put thee away, or have I cast thee off forever? For thus saith the Lord: Where is the bill of your mother’s divorcement? To whom have I put thee away, or to which of my creditors have I sold you? Yea, to whom have I sold you? Behold, for your iniquities have ye sold yourselves, and for your transgressions is your mother put away.” ~2 Nephi 7:1

“For all this his anger is not turned away, but his hand is stretched out still.” ~2 Nephi 15:25

“Yea, every knee shall bow, and every tongue confess before him. Yea, even at the last day, when all men shall stand to be judged of him, then shall they confess that he is God…” ~Mosiah 27:31

It's Like a Marriage
In the scriptures the relationship between Jesus Christ and his people is sometimes compared to a marriage. Jesus Christ is the husband and the house of Israel (his people) his wife.  Therefore the “breaking up” metaphor.

“The kingdom of heaven is like unto a certain king, which made a marriage for his son” ~Matthew 22:2

“Then shall the kingdom of heaven be likened unto ten virgins, which took their lamps, and went forth to meet the bridegroom.” ~Matthew 25:1

Why Would He Want Us Back?
The Savior has made a covenant with his people that he will never give up on them and he will always allow them to repent—to come back and reestablish the relationship. You would think that he would be repulsed by people who basically go out and cheat on him. The house of Israel ends up “playing the harlot” on many occasions throughout history. Why then would he even want her back? Most men would say, “Good riddance.” Most men wouldn’t stand for such unfaithfulness in their wife.

“The Lord said also unto me in the days of Josiah the king, Hast thou seen that which backsliding Israel hath done? she is gone up upon every high mountain and under every green tree, and there hath played the harlot.” ~Jeremiah 3:6

“I will heal their backsliding, I will love them freely: for mine anger is turned away from him.” ~Hosea 14:4

“Nevertheless, for my name’s sake will I defer mine anger, and for my praise will I refrain from thee, that I cut thee not off. For, behold, I have refined thee, I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction. For mine own sake, yea, for mine own sake will I do this, for I will not suffer my name to be polluted, and I will not give my glory unto another. Hearken unto me, O Jacob, and Israel my called, for I am he; I am the first, and I am also the last.” ~1 Nephi 20:9-12

The Trial of Our Faith
Even though the relationship between us and Jesus Christ is like a marriage, it is not exactly like a husband and wife who physically see and interact with each other everyday. The relationship is based on Faith. We don’t see him right here in front of us. We don’t have the blessing of his continuous physical presence. Most of us need to rely on accounts of him recorded in the scriptures. We see what kind of husband he is through the recorded interactions between him and his people throughout history. Others have seen him. Those who knew him when he was physically on the earth are vital witnesses to us of who he was and still is. Those who have seen him in vision are equally vital witnesses.

But most of us who are striving to develop a relationship with him need to rely on his spiritual presence. That is, we need to incrementally come to know who he is spiritually, not what he looks like physically. We do this by becoming more aware of when he is speaking to us. We need to become familiar with his voice and learn how it feels when he is spiritually near us. It’s a lot like the Hot and Cold game many of us have played in Primary. When we come to identify his spiritual presence, we are required to fix our Faith on it, depend upon it, trust in it, and never doubt.

“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.” ~Proverbs 3:5-6

“…and they shall call his name Emmanuel, which being interpreted is, God with us.” ~Matthew 1:23

Listen: “Emmanuel” by Amy Grant

Part of the reason I think he puts up with our “cheating” and still wants us back is that he understands that we’re just figuring out what it means to belong to him. We’re not sure who he really is and what our covenant relationship with him means. We don’t completely understand that this spiritual relationship is as powerful as it is. We don’t have a full knowledge of Him and his Causehood as compared to the physical and temporal Causehood of others. And usually when we doubt, it seems like we’re just doubting ourselves, our own heart, and not Him. It’s all so tricky. And the presence of Satan and his minions make it even worse. We just need time to work it all out. How many amazingly valuable people in history have turned their lives completely around given time and experience with adversity? Alma, the elder.  Alma, the younger.  Sons of Mosiah.  Amulek.  Zeezrom. Paul. Peter. Probably all of Jesus' disciples. These kinds of people are actually my favorite kinds of people.

What is Heaven Anyway?
What are we imagining heaven to be? I know for me, I could be in the most luxurious, exotic paradise that the world has to offer, pampered by spa treatments, warm beaches with sparkling turquoise water, and an Izzy on the rocks within arm’s reach but if I’m not with someone I totally admire and empathize with and vice versa, I am far from being satisfied. That kind of “paradise” doesn’t even come close to my heaven. But if I am in my house, washing a pile of dishes, and I’m having a spiritual conversation with my Savior, and he’s teaching me about something I never even fathomed before, which is causing my heart to swell in waves of unspeakable Joy, because it’s helping me resolve some conflict that has been eating me alive, I am completely and utterly satisfied. That is where heaven is at for me.

Listen:  “Paradise” by Coldplay
AND

The spiritual presence of the Lord and his people is where heaven is at. It is Joy. It is the eternal reward that happens right now when we are keeping His commandments or trying to with all our hearts. This is about living with a Husband who never will cheat on us AND being protected from those who do.

Listen:  “Afterlife” by Switchfoot

The Power of His Presence
During Jesus’ life on earth, when he told people that their sins were forgiven, he was basically saying, “You can come back into my spiritual presence with the non-cheaters (our covenant relationship). Even though you have to deal with cheaters out there in your physical environment, you have this spiritual world of non-cheaters that you can rely on.”  The Pharisees said, “Who can forgive sin, but God alone?” They were all offended, saying he was usurping God’s authority, but more importantly their own authority. They went around telling people who could be in their synagogues and who couldn’t (blind man from birth). They made the church their church instead of God’s church. 

What Christ was saying when he forgave their sins was that they could once again be in His spiritual synagogue, His spiritual church, kingdom, and presence.  So if we're willing to repent, get back on track, and stop trying to cheat, then he wants us back. We are valuable assets to his kingdom. And he and his kingdom are valuable assets to us.

“Yet Jesus and His disciples, with no touch of scorn or exclusiveness, sat down with [the outcasts of society] at the feast…A charity so liberal caused deep dissatisfaction, on two grounds, to two powerful bodies—the Pharisees and the disciples of John. To the former, mainly because this contact with men of careless and evil lives violated all the traditions of their haughty scrupulosity; to the latter, because this ready acceptance of invitations to scenes of feasting seemed to discountenance the necessity for their half-Essenian asceticism.” ~Frederic W. Farrar, The Life of Christ (pg 270)

“Our Lord’s words were constantly a new revelation for all who heard them, and if we may judge from many little indications in the Gospels, they seem often to have been followed, in the early days of His ministry, by a shock of surprised silence…It was only in their secret thoughts that they silently mused and questioned, ‘Who is this, who forgiveth sins also?’ Jesus knew their inward hesitations…He gently sent away the woman who had been a sinner with the kind words, ‘Thy faith hath saved thee: go into peace.’ And to peace beyond all doubt she went, even to the peace of God which passeth all understanding, to the peace which Jesus gives, which is not as the world gives.” ~Frederic W. Farrar, The Life of Christ (pg 240)

“For behold, I, God, have suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent; But if they would not repent they must suffer even as I;” ~D&C 19:16-17