I Was Tired of Thinking What Other People Were Thinking of Me

A month or so after I had been mourning with my friend over the loss of her husband (See Was It Enough to Mourn with Her?), and after her closer family and friends had arrived to help, I stepped away for a few days to be comforted and to get refocused on my writing. It was my husband that suggested I take a short trip to Tuscan, AZ – somewhere warm and sunny. We had gotten into the pattern of when I was in need of comfort and soul nourishment, he would send me away on writer’s retreats. 

Creating a Space for God

My writing had become my predominant source of peace. Between 2003 and 2005, I had attended writer’s conferences at BYU every year. But in 2006, I stopped going to those and started going to private writer’s retreats. For Mother's Day or my birthday, my husband arranged for me to stay in a hotel in Vail, Colorado for a few days. I would write, get stuck or have a question, go to a different part in the room, kneel down and pray, ask for direction, go back to writing, receive the answers, and repeat. Being alone like that and making a space for the Lord to come into my life – to Hear Him – in these early years was instrumental in developing my relationship with him. 

During these retreats and the months in between them I developed this habit of turning to God, rather than to anyone else. In 2007, I was still relatively new to communicating with him at this higher level. It wasn’t a matter of whether or not he was communicating with me; I realize that he always has been. It was a matter of me tuning in to hear his voice more distinctly, increasing the volume and frequency, and differentiating it from my own.

“My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me” ~John 10:27

Alone at a Hotel Resort

So, at this retreat in Tuscan, I was alone at this hotel resort. Most people were with other people. I ate dinner in the dining room alone. I walked around the resort alone. I was in the elevator alone awkwardly wondering if I should strike up a conversation or not. All this made me feel uncomfortable. I didn’t feel uncomfortable being alone in my hotel room or in general. It was when I went down to eat or sit in an outdoor communal space around the resort. I felt vulnerable like people were looking at me and wondering why I was alone. It started to bother me more because I didn’t want to waste my time thinking about what they were thinking of me. Yet, I couldn’t stop myself. It was like a bad habit. So, I started praying about it. 

Converting Thoughts into Written Words

My prayers during these days were written in my journal. This helped me make my conversations with God more tangible. Before, when I used to pray in my mind, it kept the communication abstract and in that vague realm of swirling thoughts and ideas. Writing them down converted my thoughts to the more concrete. And I believed it demonstrated to God that I was serious about wanting to know him better and his will for me. The bottom line was that it was the most important thing to me to Hear Him, not because it was the righteous thing to do, but because this was so intensely amazing, nothing could keep me away from it. At home, every free moment I had while I was taking care of my kids, washing the dishes, vacuuming, making meals, and pulling weeds, I was turning to him. 

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

When I started writing my prayers out in 2006, my growth process accelerated. It became more intentional. I incrementally became aware of things I hadn’t noticed before. I was increasingly aware of my negative thought processes because I felt this new censure in my heart. For example, when I had a prideful thought, my heart would suddenly take a fall - this small kind of bitter-fear-like feeling. The more time I spent learning about Jesus Christ and who he was, the more I saw him and his characteristics. The more I saw him, the more I became conscious of where I could improve. It was a combination of my increased awareness of his presence in my mind and these effects I experienced in my heart. It was like I had a heightened awareness of when I stepped away from him and his way of thinking and loving. This was extremely fascinating to me and I absolutely loved it. Even though I was being censured and it was hard to learn how to speak his language, I was so thankful for it.

Random Reciprocity Thought Processes

Consequently, I was experiencing a new level of awareness in Tuscan, when I was alone at this busy hotel resort. I was aware of my thoughts about what other people were thinking about me. I’ll refer to this type of thinking as Random Reciprocity Thought Processes. It was annoying me that I was doing this. I recognized how insecure it made me feel. I wanted to be free of it. It was getting in the way of my relationship with the Lord because when I thought about what all these strangers were thinking about me, I couldn’t keep my mind with his. I would be distracted. I felt myself stepping away from his presence. And I wanted to stay with him all the time, not only because I loved hanging out with him and hearing what he said, but also because I didn’t like the vulnerability of listening for what everyone else was thinking about me. In essence, when I would engage in Random Reciprocity thinking, I really was alone.

He told me that the way to resolve this problem was to value his evaluation of me more than other people’s. He said I was using Random Reciprocity Thought Processes to asses my value. He reminded me of a time when I had gained the most control of these thought processes. It was when I was engaged to my soon-to-be husband. No one else’s opinion of me was more important than his. When other people voiced their opinions, they surprised me because I hadn’t been thinking about what they were thinking of me at all. I was more oblivious.

“Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not.” ~D&C 6:36

The Effect of Relationships on Thought Processes

I developed Reciprocity Thought Processes when I was a child, partly out of self-preservation. People oftentimes take offense to what you do or say or are. And sometimes their response process hurts. They don’t notice or accept you unless you do certain things or act a certain way or are a certain way. And sometimes that makes you feel alone. As a child, I picked up on this unspoken communication process. I unintentionally changed certain things about myself based on the positive and negative feedback I received. 

I also think this type of thinking intertwines with Empathy. Empathy is using Reciprocity Thought Processes, not to assess what other people are thinking of me, but to assess how they are thinking and feeling in a given situation. I use that information to determine how to best help them. This means the process of thinking what others are thinking or feeling isn’t the problem. It’s when I use the gift to assess how valuable I am to random citizens that the trouble occurs. Those people who have the ability to deeply empathize with people may have a more difficult time than others with controlling their Reciprocity Thought Processes.

If children don’t develop good, nurturing relationships with their parents and close family members, they will naturally and unconsciously seek approval and acceptance from others. They will adjust their behaviors accordingly. I studied this psychological concept in college. Some psychologists refer to it as Behavioral Conditioning. Over time if children live with a lack of love and acceptance in the home, instead of becoming their parents’ child, they become the child of someone else or of random people. I’m pretty sure this is how I developed this habit.

But when I met my future husband, I only wanted his approval and acceptance. It shut down any need to receive it from random sources. After we were married, we had issues from the get-go as most married couples do, but my Reciprocity Thought Processes continued to be bound to him. However, after around seven years of marriage, something changed in my relationship with him. Something started happening that began to block this bonding process. I was not aware of what it was, but I was aware of the change in the effects in my heart. Only with hindsight and training have I been able to put all the puzzle pieces together to understand what was going on.

The Value of a Growth Mindset

By the Spring of 2007, when I was in this Tuscan hotel, I was once again caught up in Random Reciprocity Thought Processes. And when I prayed to get in control of them so I could turn them off, the answer was to seek approval and acceptance only from the Lord. The more I valued him, the more valuable his opinion of me would be. This would close the door to my unconscious search for the acceptance, approval, and admiration from random people.

But that triggered certain questions and so I asked Him. Why would he admire who and what I was if he was the very one who was training me to become this? He responded to me with his own question: Are you only valuable to someone if you came into the relationship already equipped with talents, strengths, abilities, and beauty? Hmm…. I had never analyzed my thought processes so clearly. I wondered why I had been thinking about it like that.

“And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.” ~Ether 12:27

He said there was another type of strength that was more valuable than other strengths: Coming into my relationship with Him ready and willing to learn and grow. Someone who has this kind of growth mindset is of more value than anything else because this person can become whatever He wants her to be. And I knew what he wanted me to be was the best that I could be. That’s what I wanted to be. The only limits were the ones that I created.

The pathway to get to this place and eliminate my limitations was to value him and his opinion of me more than I valued anyone else’s. This was a challenge because he was not right there in front of my physical eyes or anyone else’s physical eyes. And other people were right there. He was unseen. They were seen. He was walking with me unseen through the corridors of the hotel. He was invisibly there in the elevator and at dinner. I knew I wasn’t alone. But no one else knew it. His very presence communicated how much he valued me. He appreciated me, accepted me, and edited me. But everyone else could not see my value to him. I began to wonder why I would care what they were thinking of me. Did I value their opinions, edits, acceptance, and admiration more than his?

I decided I did not want to care about what random people thought of me. And that was a good start, but it wasn’t enough to break the habit. I had to make a conscious and continuous effort to delete the thoughts. Again, that still wasn’t enough. I had to replace them with Reciprocity Thoughts with the Lord. He taught me that you can’t just shut down the need to be valued altogether. You have to learn how to control it. For that to happen, I had to spend more time studying and writing about who Jesus Christ was. I had to essentially write him into my life as if he were physically there. It wasn’t about painting his portrait (although I have also attempted this with sad results). It was about coming to know how he makes choices, how he differentiates between two ideas, where they are balanced and where they become imbalanced. It was about understanding the way he governs, evaluates, and judges. What exactly is Mercy and how does it work with Justice? How does he love? What is love? And how could I apply all this to parenting and to my relationships with other people? Once I found the answers to these questions, I was judged by them.

What I have discovered was that it all boiled down to faith. How well could I see and hear and understand him with my spiritual senses? Could I trust the things I saw and heard that were only validated by my heart? Could I believe them above what I sensed other people were thinking, saying, and doing?  Making the choice to actually look at him was a sacrifice because his feedback was different than other people’s. That meant that he was asking me to make a choice between his opinion and theirs. He was asking me to become his daughter – a daughter only interested in pleasing her father. It was like this incremental process of slowly being born again.

“…faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true.” ~Alma 32:21

“Jesus answered and said unto him, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God.” ~John 3:3

Deep Comfort

By the time I flew back to Denver, I had been deeply comforted. The cloud of mourning darkness had lifted, and I was ready to get back to work empathizing and mourning with my friends while deleting the Random Reciprocity Thought Processes. Since then, it has been a work in progress similar to the process of eating right. I go through periods of time when I'm better at it than others. But amazing times have followed! To incrementally learn about Jesus Christ like this has created the most intense feelings of Sustainable Joy that I have ever experienced. 

Was it Enough to Mourn with Her?

One of my good friends had just lost her husband. It was Spring Break 2007. He had died of accidental drug overdose. Having been really sick for a while and on medication, he didn’t know what he was doing when he took too many of his pills. 

Their seven-year-old daughter and mine were good friends and she had spent the night at our house. So, I was the one my friend called when she discovered her husband. I left the girls with another friend and went to the hospital. I was there in the emergency room when they were trying to resuscitate him and defibrillate his heart. I was there in the waiting room with her when she was shaking, crying, struggling with the pain.

During the following weeks, it was a time of great sorrow and fear. Her father came into town and stayed at my house. Her two daughters also stayed with us a few nights. I was often at her house. Anything I could do to relieve some of her suffering, I was willing to do. During those first few weeks, not many people knew what had happened. There were very few of us mourning with her. I had never mourned so closely with someone before. I felt the very real, dark, and heavy weight of the burden. 

When Spring break ended, other moms from the Coyote Hills Elementary School community became aware of what had happened. They joined us in mourning and volunteered to make meals and help with the kids. My role shifted to coordinating these services. I felt the burden lifting from me as it was shared by these other women. It wasn’t just the physical tasks that they shared with us. It was that they spiritually joined with us in carrying the burden. 

Many of them called me. We talked and cried together. I was living through the experience of what Jesus meant when he said “Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted” (Matthew 5:4).

The intentions, concern, emotions, and attention of these women had an actual impact upon the way I was feeling. I had been feeling the darkness of death, but they brought in the sunlight of life. I hope that my friend's burden was lightened when we mourned with her. Because I actually felt mine lighten, I have greater faith that hers did too.

“…as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light; Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort…” ~Mosiah 18:8-9

My Epiphany

In the Spring of 2009, I was working on a writing project. I had been working on it for 3 years and it was crazy that I hadn’t yet been able to finish it. It was like being in a single college course and working on a single paper that I could not seem to complete even after 3 years. Yet, I would not give up on it.

It had been a very intense project. I had been consistently praying about it and receiving guidance since 2006. I was writing about the atonement of Jesus Christ and how that related to the central structure of story. I had taken a deep dive into the scriptures and had worked to develop my communication relationship with the Lord because it brought up a lot of questions in my mind. I was writing down his answers but was expected to organize and summarize what he was teaching me into something coherent.

It was evidently my weaknesses that were holding me back from being able to do that.  I came to the point where I felt like I needed to directly ask for help to break through whatever was holding me back. I needed to know why it was taking me forever to finish. What was I missing? Where did I need to grow or change in order to finish it?

I had read somewhere that setting a date was a critical part of the goal achievement process. After considering it for a time, I decided that maybe that was the missing piece. I needed to set a date, do my part, and leave the rest up to the Lord. 

My birthday was coming up in a month, so I decided to make that the due date. I prayed for God’s help and felt his confirmation that he would. I put my trust in him and over the next month, after taking care of my home and family, spent the rest of my time on the project. 

My birthday came. Despite hours of work, I still hadn’t come anywhere close to finishing it. But I held out hope that some kind of epiphany would come. The day was filled with the normal motherhood tasks. Additionally, my daughter had to go to a dress rehearsal for her upcoming dance recital and we were there for hours. The environment was distracting. I couldn’t write. My mind was tied up in knots. By the end of the night, I realized there would not be an epiphany and I wasn’t going to finish the project.

I was pretty upset. I cried. This was a failure. I knew I had not been negligent in doing my part both in my duties as a mother and as a writer. I went to bed still tied in knots and feeling a reaction of rebellion in my heart in response to the rejection I felt from the Lord.

Over the past three years I had developed a relationship with Him as I was studying his life and Atonement, which had brought me more joy than anything I had ever experienced. While I studied his life, he started “studying” mine in return. He spent a lot of time on me, answering my questions, retraining me, listening to me, and helping me overcome a lot of imbalanced behaviors. I could not choose to be angry with him, yet He knew that I had to deal with my pain. 

Normally, in a conflict I would allow myself to become angry with the other person whether it was someone in my community, my parents, a sibling, my husband, or a child. But He had trained me to bring this kind of conflict to him in prayer and we would deal with it together instead of my reacting to it and making the conflict worse. We had developed this pattern where I would come to him and get all my emotions off my chest. He would listen and empathize. I could actually feel this happening and hear his comforting counsel. It was always what I needed to hear. Once I felt better, I would ask him how I could have handled the situation better and we would walk through it. The next time the same kind of conflict came up, I was better prepared to handle it in a more balanced way. 

But this time, he was the person who was hurting me. 

The next day, I wrestled with my emotions. I was confused and on the edge of anger. I could sense him following me around as I cleaned the house, asking me what I was going to do about this. I couldn’t answer. I couldn’t let go of the anger, but neither could I hold it against him. Letting go was basically saying, “It’s okay that you’re hurting me.” And it wasn’t okay. But holding it against him was sacrificing the relationship we had developed. I knew he was a perfect God and if anyone was out of balance, it was me. But that twisted me up even more.

It was in the afternoon that day that I decided what was most important to me.

There are a million songs that sing about love conquering all. I felt it was literally impossible to forgive the pain. It was like giving up my life, but because of my love for Him I had no other choice. He had changed me from the person I used to be and saved me from all the bitter consequences I used to live in. He had helped me to love again. He had made me sweet where I used to be bitter. I was able to love my kids and myself only because of Him. I could not and would not give up this relationship. I had to let the pain happen without retaliating. So I did. I free-fell backwards. I just let it hurt. I submitted. I forgave. I repented. And in doing this, I was a strong-willed child again, but this time for the sake of love, I used that will to voluntarily accept the pain.

There is this song called “Waterloo” by Abba. You can listen to my aerobics instructor version here: Waterloo. The lyrics go like this:

At Waterloo Napoleon did surrender

And I have met my destiny in quite a similar way

The history book on the shelf

Is always repeating itself

Waterloo, I was defeated, you won the war

Waterloo, promise to love you forever more

Waterloo, couldn’t escape if I wanted to

Waterloo, knowing my fate is to be with you

Waterloo, finally facing my Waterloo

I tried to hold you back, but you were stronger

And now it seems my only chance is giving up the fight

And how could I ever refuse

I feel like I win when I lose

It turns out I did have an epiphany that year for my birthday.

My Financial Advisor

I was a junior in high school and my Grandma said she would pay for my college if I did the work to get accepted by a university.  Not long after I understood this, my grades jumped from Bs and Cs to As and Bs. Still, I got into Brigham Young University by the skin of my teeth. Once in, my grandma basically gave me a scholarship that paid for my tuition, books, housing, and food. This was a total privilege and the beginning of my freedom from years of having very little money. 

Just before my junior year of college, I went home for a visit. During that visit, I went car shopping with my friends. Before this shopping trip I had never fathomed purchasing my own car. But my friends were doing it, so why couldn’t I? I test-drove a few cars and imagined myself the owner. My car payments could be as low as $150 to $200 a month. At school, I had to take the bus everywhere or rely on roommates who had cars. To have my own would be awesome! It would increase my independence, which I was all about during those days. 

I happened to mention this to my grandma one day when I was visiting her. I was surprised at her response. She was very clear that if I purchased a car, she would no longer support me. I couldn’t believe it. This created a major conflict inside me. I wanted to do what I wanted to do. I had too much respect for her to argue with her, but inside I was writhing. Privately, I decided that I would buy my own car and support myself at school. I didn’t like people standing in the way of what I REALLY wanted. I was bound and determined to get a job when I went back to school. 

And so, back in Provo, Utah, one morning in the beginning of the Fall semester 1989, I had a dream. It was during that time between wake and sleep. I received the clear direction not to buy a car. I had the impression that I needed to humble myself and accept my grandmother’s will. She was paying for my college. This was a major privilege. I needed to realize that and submit myself to her conditions. Now, that is a no brainer for me. But back then all my brain cells hadn’t fully developed in my frontal lobe. 

In that state between wake and sleep all my pride and willfulness was down. When I woke up, I consciously knew that the Lord was directing me in this financial decision. Because I respected him so much, and he had earned my trust throughout my growing up years, I listened. I knew he had my back. I knew that he wanted to guide me along the best pathway. When he spoke to me, it was my pleasure (literally) to listen.

I treasured this experience, not just in hindsight, but that very day. As a result of listening to this and his other counsel, I graduated from college in the Spring 1992.

Fast forward 7 years to 1999. I was now married and had 3 kids. We were living in Westminster, Colorado. I was expecting Laura – our 4th child. This was too many kids for our Toyota Corolla. We needed a family car for everyone to fit. We had gone car shopping for a dark blue Toyota Sienna, their latest and greatest minivan. The van was expensive, but we figured we could make the payments. We actually signed all the papers at the dealership. They didn’t have the van on the lot, so they had to order it in. When we asked, the dealer said that we had some time to cancel it if we had second thoughts.

The next morning in that space between wake and sleep, I was counseled not to buy the minivan. I woke up and told my husband. He accepted the counsel and we canceled the deal. Not long after, we found a used Nissan Quest minivan for quite a bit less. In time, I realized that the Toyota wasn’t the best choice financially and the Lord had cared enough to help with that.

Again, I treasured this experience. There have been many times that I have received financial counsel from Him over the years. Subsequently, my family has always been taken care of. There have been tight times – times when we were very restricted in our spending and times when we lost lots of money in investments, but we have always had what we needed and have come through.

In 2006, we were living in Aurora, Colorado. We had our 4 kids and a few cats and lived on a couple of acres. I had a dream. I was at a bank teller. It was the Bank of America in San Jose, CA in the shopping center on the corner of Snell and Blossom Hill Road for those of you from my hometown. The teller was broken and lots of money was coming out of it. I got out of the car with a box and loaded the money into it. Other people were there doing the same. After I filled my box, I got back in the car and knew that I had scored a million dollars. I was so excited. I was thinking of all the ways we could spend it – paying off bills, loans, etc. 

But then I suddenly remembered that this was dishonest. I couldn’t take the bank’s money like that. At that realization I couldn’t seem to muster up the strength in me to do the right thing. I was experiencing an internal conflict. How could I possibly let a million dollars go? It was so much money and I had been thinking that it was mine fair and square. 

Then, just as suddenly I remembered that if I made the honest choice, I would have the Lord’s promise – the privilege of his guidance and riches that only come by being true to his way of doing things. Honesty. Integrity. I realized that the million dollars paled in comparison. It wasn’t worth it. We may have enjoyed the money for a while, but eventually it would come to an end and I would have traded something much more valuable for a mess of pottage (Genesis 25:29-34). I knew that what the Lord had to offer was everlasting spiritual and temporal support. I would be better off in the long run, even financially, if I took this money into the bank. And that’s what I did.

I Was on a 500-mile Bike Trip to Disneyland and Had Lost my Money

When I was 16 years old, I went on a 10-day bike trip from San Jose, CA to Disneyland in Southern California with a group of young men, young women, and adult leaders from our church. For a total of 500 miles, we journeyed in increments of 25-70+ miles a day on our bicycles (not motorcycles). I still think this was pretty incredible of an adventure to have gone on.

When we camped near Hearst Castle in San Simeon, I spent a little money at the store there. That’s the last time I remember having it. When I went to look for it later, I couldn’t find it anywhere. 

I was stressed. At this time in my life I didn’t have a lot of money. Neither did my mom. She had given me a little spending money for the trip and I had spent it carefully knowing that was all I had.

That night at the camp ground in San Simeon, I zipped myself into my sleeping bag and prayed for help to find the money. The next day, we had a very long and hot ride to San Luis Obispo. I still hadn’t found it. 

We stayed there for Sunday and went to church in town. On Monday, we rode to El Capitan State Beach. Before I went to bed that night, I asked again. Everyday we got closer to Disneyland. The money was all I had to spend when we got there, so I was seriously bummed that I might never find it. Still I held out some hope in my prayers.

The next morning, during that time between sleeping and waking, I had a dream. I saw a pair of my shorts and me putting the money in the pocket. 

When I woke up, I fished around in my duffle bag for the shorts. When I found them, I checked the pocket. I felt a small wad of bills and breathed a sigh of relief. Relief. Rejoicing relief. And gratitude. I was so grateful for the recovery of my money, but there was also something else. A kind of magical feeling. A tingling inside me. I knew that God was aware of me and that I was connecting with him.

I Was Having Nightmares and They Scared Me

When I was a little girl, maybe five or six years old, I often had nightmares. They scared me. They were about bad people intending to hurt me or other people. A reoccurring dream was that there was a bad man climbing through my bedroom window. When I woke up in the middle of the night after having one of these dreams, I lay awake listening for a creeping in the house, too afraid to get out of bed and go to my parents for comfort. Because of this, I had a difficult time getting to sleep each night.

This problem continued throughout my childhood until one night, my mom taught me how to pray. She said I could ask Heavenly Father to help stop the bad dreams. Before this, I had participated in family prayers, prayers at meal time, and prayers at church, but I hadn’t learned to pray to Him personally. 

So that night, I said a very simple prayer and asked, Please don’t let me have any bad dreams. I lay back down on my pillow and felt safe. Safe.

The bad dreams decreased. They went from being very frequent to occasional. If I ever woke up in the middle of the night, I would whisper to Him, asking Him to protect me and help me to sleep. My fear would decrease and I would fall back to sleep. The problem never escalated into anything serious.

I remember this so well because from that night on, throughout my childhood, teen, and even young adult years, I said the same prayer. I added more to it as I encountered more things that were outside of my control. There were things that I wanted and conflicts that I couldn’t solve. When I prayed for them, He would help. Being young in experience and endurance, I didn’t always recognize when He answered or that He had actually answered. The way He answered was often so gradual that I wasn’t aware enough to notice. 

When I got older, I started to pay more attention to this asking/answering relationship. The more I recognized the patterns in our communication, the stronger my faith grew.

Differentiating Between The Thoughts In My Head

Perfectionism: Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

I remember feeling similar to the girl in the video behind the above link. It was during a time that I was actively striving to live my life better. Previous to this time period, I often looked in the mirror, listened, and agreed with a voice in my head that said, “You are so fat and ugly.” Consequently, I didn’t feel very good about myself. 

During this same time I was in the habit of reacting to people when there were conflicts in our relationships. But through the grace of God (literally) and his personal training, I was making improvements. 

However, one day, I had a bad day. Regression. I was on my bed thinking about what an awful person I was. I thought that even though I was trying to improve, I would never be the person I wanted to be. My continuous mistakes and my imperfect past made it impossible. Because I hadn’t grown up making all of the right choices from the beginning, I would never truly be valuable. 

My thoughts said to me, “Who are you kidding? You will never be who you want to be.” 

But at the same time another voice in my head was evaluating these thoughts. This part said that the first voice was not only attacking me but also Jesus Christ. To assert that I could not change myself for the good, was an indirect attack on the Atonement of Jesus Christ. This voice was basically saying that Jesus Christ was not powerful enough to enable me to change and become everything that I desired to become.

I responded something like this, “What the heck! You are right!”

Then I turned to the first voice and said, “You can attack me all day and I might believe it’s true. But when you attack Jesus Christ and tell me he doesn’t have the power to make something beautiful out of me then you give yourself away. I know who you are and you are completely wrong. Leave!”

That was a life changing experience for me. I remember thinking that I would never hang out with someone who was putting me down all the time. I would choose to separate myself from someone who degraded me, instead of constructively helped me achieve my goals. So why would I choose to entertain such mean thoughts about myself? 

Knowing I have the responsibility to choose which thoughts to accept and which ones to reject has been powerful for me. Stopping them early before they suck me into a black hole I can’t easily get out of has been a very important skill to learn. Fighting for my Savior first gives me the strength to fight for myself. 

This has made all the difference in how I feel about my personal worth. Actively choosing to listen to, entertain, and believe appreciative thoughts about myself and receiving respectful constructive training as well as empathetic kind words makes me a happy person. When I am a happy person I have an easy time appreciating, respecting, and being kind and empathetic to others.

Consider the Source

Recently, I have learned about three adults who conspired together to kill four people. Two were their spouses and two were their children. In wondering how any person, especially a mother, could commit such an act of horror, I read some articles on the case and watched an interview of the mother’s friend who was not in on the murders, but who witnessed the backstory.

I found out that they believed they were doing it in the name of Jesus Christ. They murdered innocent children in his name. They murdered their spouses in his name. They said they received their instructions via personal revelation. That means they believed they were receiving their instructions from God.

They said that they had been told that they were key players in preparing the world for the Second Coming of Jesus Christ. And they apparently believed that role included a Hitler-like elimination of people who were not worthy to continue living. They had concocted a twisted backstory, which they said was revealed to them from spiritual sources, which justified their heinous deeds as merciful and necessary sacrifices.

“Some of you may die, but that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.” ~Lord Farquad quote from the movie Shrek

So when people do horrifying things like this in the name of Jesus Christ, claiming they are receiving their guidance from God, it causes fear and prejudice against religion in general and against the practice of receiving personal revelation from God. 

There have been many groups throughout history who have exterminated an individual or group of people and claimed that they were doing it in God’s name. One example is the early Catholic Church’s inquisitions. The inquisitors put innocent people through an unjust trial and then burned  them at the stake in the name of Christ. Ironically, the people they killed were the real people standing for Christ such as Joan of Arc, William Tyndale, and John Huss (Jan Hus). 

Hitler and his NSDAP Nazi party is another example. They attempted to cleanse their country of subhumans similar to the ideology of the Daybell/Vallow people in the news story I have been reading about. The “Nazi regime was responsible for the genocide of about 6 million Jews and millions of other victims whom [Hitler] and his followers deemed Untermenschen (subhumans) or socially undesirable” (Wikipedia). The Nazis may not have murdered people in the name of God, but it was in the name of what they believed was good and true. They asserted their actions improved their community relationships.

Additionally, in the times of John Wycliffe (early 1300s), John Huss (late 1300s) and Martin Luther (1500s), the Catholic popes sent out armies to force people to adopt their “Christian” religion. If they would not, they killed them.

I think this is one of the most disturbing and alarming behaviors I have ever contemplated. To commit crime, sin, and murder in the name of Jesus Christ is the most monstrous thing I can think of. It's important to me as a follower of Jesus Christ that non-Christians know that there are people and spirits masquerading as Christians but are not really Christians at all.

I think the Daybell/Vallow people really thought they were being guided by God. And I think they did reach for the spiritual world. And I think that some people have a greater awareness of that spiritual world than others. They have a gift. But that doesn’t mean they are necessarily good at discerning the good from the evil spirits that are in that world. Many of these people with this gift struggle with boundaries. Because they have such a high degree of tolerance, empathy, and compassion for others, they want to accept all things as good, right, and true.

Considering the source is about using light and knowledge to discern between good and evil. 

In the physical world, without light, there would be no sight. This same principle is true in the spiritual world.

I found the following quote about light from a website called the Physics Classroom.

“[In the absence of sunlight during the night, and in the absences of] a porch light or a street light, the neighbor's house can no longer be seen; the grass is no longer green, but rather black; the leaves on the trees are dark; and were it not for the headlights of the car, it would not be seen approaching the intersection. Without luminous objects generating light that propagates through space to illuminate non-luminous objects, those non-luminous objects cannot be seen. Without light, there would be no sight.”

Physical light allows us to differentiate one object from another. I’m attempting to use spiritual light to differentiate one way of doing things from another. By more closely evaluating the two very different spiritual sources who are trying to influence us, we can defeat the fear that the Daybell/Vallow people introduced. Setting them side by side to examine the motives, the actual type of counsel received, and the consequences, is shining light upon them to see how they are different from Christians truly receiving guidance from God.

“But, O my people, beware lest there shall arise contentions among you, and ye list to obey the evil spirit” (Mosiah 2:32).

I think it is crucial that we understand that there are two sides to the spirit world and both are trying to influence us. And the evil side is usually trying to masquerade as the good side. Our responsibility is to differentiate between them, discover the masquerade, and choose which ideas we believe are good, right, and true.

So the reason this whole thing shook me is that the Daybell/Vallow people are treading on my personal beliefs in Jesus Christ, in God, in the kingdom of heaven, in angels, and in personal revelation from God. I believe in miracles. I believe in personal revelation. I believe in guidance from heaven. I believe in angels. I believe in God.

These people had the same belief, and claimed that they were connected up to the same God I listen to. The result was they murdered innocent people.

I don’t know about you, but this scared me and has caused me to feel awful and confused. This motivated me to shine the bright light upon the evidence and consider the sources. What these people said and did threatens to undermine something that is foundational to my religious beliefs. So I have to differentiate between what is good and what is evil here. Here’s what the light reveals:

When Jesus asked his disciples who men thought he was, his disciples answered that some people thought he was John the Baptist, Elijah, or Jeremiah reincarnated. Others thought he was a prophet in general. 

Then Jesus asked them, “But whom say ye that I am?” 

Simon Peter answered, “Thou art the Christ, the Son of the living God.”

Then Jesus told Simon Peter that he came to this truth through personal revelation, which had been revealed to him by his “Father which is in heaven.”

Jesus then said that he builds his church upon this rock – personal revelation – “and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it.”

(Matthew 16:13-18)

Frederick Farrar discusses these verses in his biography of Christ: “It was the revealed fact, that they only can acknowledge [who and what Christ is] who are led thereto by the Spirit of God. It told mankind for ever that not by earthly criticisms, but only by heavenly grace, can the full knowledge of that truth be obtained.”

(The Life of Christ by Frederick Farrar, p372)

These two sources make it clear that personal revelation is powerful evidence that enables us to discern between truth and error and should not be discounted.

The following verse from the Book of Mormon reaffirms that being open to personal revelation is a safe and secure way of determining what is true.

“For behold, again I say unto you that if ye will enter in by the way, and receive the Holy Ghost, it will show unto you all things what ye should do.” ~2 Nephi 32:5

The next verse adds that we should also study the word of God in combination with listening to the Holy Ghost. 

“Angels speak by the power of the Holy Ghost; wherefore, they speak the words of Christ. Wherefore, I said unto you, feast upon the words of Christ; for behold, the words of Christ will tell you all things what ye should do.” ~2 Nephi 32:3

Much of my own personal revelation has come to me in the form of the scriptures I know and have studied throughout the years. Verses are brought to the front of my mind when I pray for answers.

After learning about the Daybell/Vallow case, fear might drive us to believe that yielding to ALL spiritual direction is dangerous. That is evaluating the situation in the dark, without light. Differentiating between the kind of spirit they chose to listen to and the kind of spirit I choose to listen to is using light to differentiate between good and evil.

The scriptures indicate that there are two separate parties of influencers in the spiritual world. Here’s one example that contrasts them:

“And when they shall say unto you: Seek unto them that have familiar spirits, and unto wizards that peep and mutter—should not a people seek unto their God for the living to hear from the dead?” ~2 Nephi 18:19 (a nearly identical verse is found in Isaiah 8:19).

Thoughts and ideas are continuously presented to our minds from external physical and spiritual sources. Some are good and others are evil. There is a gradient of spiritual sources between these two extremes. We have been given the choice to differentiate between the good and the evil. We don’t want to believe everything we hear from other people and neither do we want to believe everything that is presented to our minds from spiritual sources just because we acknowledge it is a spiritual source. We have to be on our guard to filter through these things. We have brains. We can use them. And we have hearts, which we can also use.

And let’s keep it real. Why search for crazy weird things? Why not seek out the answers to our relationship conflicts? Why not seek for ways to obtain Sustainable Joy, which is God’s (not Satan’s) desire for us? 

I have used the gift of personal revelation to figure out how I could become a better wife, mother, daughter, sister, and member of my community. How could I better respond to the inevitable conflicts that arise in relationships? How could I control my knee-jerk reactions? How could I work with my kids to help them overcome their imbalanced behaviors and ways of doing things? The answers I received always included faith in Jesus Christ. This is faith that even though things may not be perfect now, if I choose to keep my own behavior in balance, and endure conflicts without responding with selfishness, and seek to empathize instead of hate, the end result will be good even if I have to wade through temporary times of sorrow and less than ideal circumstances.

Out of all of the thoughts and ideas that enter our mind, we decide which ones we will entertain and which ones we will NOT.  Just because they enter our mind does not mean they are thoughts that belong to us.  The ones we DECIDE to accept as true become our thoughts. If we’re unsure that a thought is good, we can study it out, do some research, and pay attention to our heart. 

Our heart verifies what is good, true, beautiful, meaningful, right, and of God. Our heart will also warn us when something is bad, evil, selfish, ugly, meaningless, wrong, and of the devil. This verification effect occurs while we engage in the research process. Sometimes we have to test ideas out, put them into action, in order to accurately assess their truth. When we continue to pay attention to our hearts, we will know if what we are thinking, saying, or doing is good or evil.

“For behold, my brethren, it is given unto you to judge, that ye may know good from evil; and the way to judge is as plain, that ye may know with a perfect knowledge, as the daylight is from the dark night.” ~Moroni 7:15

“Two indicators that a feeling or prompting comes from God are that it produces peace in your heart and a quiet, warm feeling” ~Elder Richard G. Scott

Daybell and Vallow chose to listen to spiritual voices that taught them to elevate themselves in pride and see other people as subhumans or zombies whom they prayed would be eliminated (die) or whom they personally eliminated (killed). 

Others of us have chosen to listen to voices in combination with the scriptures that have taught us empathy, humility, confidence, and gratitude –ways of thinking that teach us conflict resolution, mercy, and promote compatibility in our relationships.

My experience with the voices in my head have been accompanied by peace in my heart and a quiet, warm feeling. This is often very intense. I can’t make myself feel this way. When I start thinking, speaking, or behaving with pride, selfishness, or hatred, I can’t keep this feeling inside me. It leaves. So I can differentiate the daylight from the darkness.

The following counsel is in section 8 in the Doctrine and Covenants:

“Yea, behold, I will tell you in your mind and in your heart, by the Holy Ghost, which shall come upon you and which shall dwell in your heart. Now, behold, this is the spirit of revelation; behold, this is the spirit by which Moses brought the children of Israel through the Red Sea on dry ground. Therefore this is thy gift; apply unto it, and blessed art thou, for it shall deliver you out of the hands of your enemies, when, if it were not so, they would slay you and bring your soul to destruction.”

And in a previous section, it says:

“Blessed art thou for what thou hast done; for thou hast inquired of me, and behold, as often as thou hast inquired thou hast received instructions of my Spirit. If it had not been so, thou wouldst not have come to the place where thou art at this time. Behold thou knowest that thou hast inquired of me and I did enlighten thy mind; and now I tell thee these things that thou mayest know that thou hast been enlightened by the Spirit of truth.” ~D&C 6:14-15

These scriptures ground my faith in personal revelation. Even though the Daybell/Vallow people misused this gift, it doesn’t mean relying upon personal revelation is dangerous and wrong. We are required to shine the light and consider the source.

Because I have studied the scriptures and searched for general truth for so many years and have experienced the confirmation of the Holy Ghost in regards to those general truths, I am able to discern the feelings that come into my heart when I receive more specific revelation for my personal life.

I strive to be wide awake when it comes to differentiating between truth and error. But one of the ways I’ve been tempted is by flattering and prideful thoughts and ideas. I’ve had to learn that these taste different from the true peace and joy that comes from the Holy Ghost, the Savior, and the Father. The pride feels good in the moment. It seems to be on my side, but with experience and practice I have come to understand that it is no friend of mine. Still, I have to be always on my guard to identify these pride thoughts because they are often very sneaky.

This is where I believe the Daybell/Vallow people initially got tripped up. They believed that they were key players in preparing the way for the Second Coming of the Lord. That thought in itself is not wrong. We are all generally encouraged to be key players – to do what we can to prepare ourselves, our families, and our communities for the Second Coming of the Lord. We want him to come. We want to be ready when he does. This is a good thing.

But the Daybell/Vallow people seemed to twist that role and see it as a prideful-top-of-the-pyramid role. They saw themselves as smarter, more righteous, intelligent, and knowledgeable than others. They looked down upon the Untermenschen (subhumans) around them.

I just want to point out that having knowledge, resources, abilities, and talents doesn’t profit us or anyone unless we use them for good.

“Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal."

Though the Daybell/Vallow people may have indeed obtained some valuable knowledge about the second coming, if they didn’t use it to develop their charity…

“And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing."

And though they may have had the gift of the awareness of spirits and understood some of the mysteries of God, if they didn’t seek to cultivate charity in their hearts…

it profited them absolutely nothing.

(1 Corinthians 13:1-8)

In other words, if we’re trying to obtain knowledge, even if it is scriptural knowledge, for the sake of being better than other people, becoming popular, thinking ourselves above other people, and not for the purpose of applying it to help others, to improve our relationships with God, our spouse, our family and our community, to love people with this Charity (as defined in 1st Corinthians 13), then it profits us absolutely nothing.

IF the Daybell/Vallow people were receiving their guidance from heaven and applying the truths of the scriptures to their personal improvement and to the development of compatible relationships, they would have had charity, charity for their fellowmen and especially charity for their children.

After shining the light on this conflict, I understand the difference between their source and mine. My faith in God has increased and I feel balanced again.

Born Again

In the past few posts, I've been telling the story about how the Savior has been changing me from someone who had the habit of Turning and Reviling Again to someone who Stands Steadfast in Him. While my entire life has been a training period to develop this skill, the level of training began to increase in 2005. That was when I finally had had enough of the way I had been living. It was when I stopped putting my trust in man and in the arm of the flesh and started putting it more in God. 

“O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm.” ~2 Nephi 4:34

In the beginning of 2005 I began to write my prayers down and take my communication with Heavenly Father much more serious. I felt prompted to read a book called Drawing on the Powers of Heaven by Grant Von Harrison, which my mom had given me a few years earlier. Thanks to my mom and this author, I learned how to see my life as one goal achievement process after another. I learned how to use my prayers to work with God on each one of them. My daily prayers were official meetings with Him to which I needed to come prepared. These meetings took place in my prayer journal. I wrote my goals down and made them the topic of each of my prayers. I believed these goals were in sync with the things he wanted me to work towards. Here's the list I wrote down in May of 2005:

• Health: Get Well 
• Weight loss
• Mother: be a better mother, patient, loving, steady, wise spiritual instincts in every situation
• Writer/Teacher: finish my book, teach others what I've learned about nutrition and balance
• Marriage: Fall in love with my husband again

Then I wrote down all the things I promised to do on a daily basis that I knew Heavenly Father wanted me to do. These were things I had personal control over.

• Read scriptures (personal, w/husband, w/family)
• Read parenting book
• Pray (personal, w/husband, w/family)
• No yelling at kids or husband
• If I'm upset, leave the room
• Attend all meetings
• Act upon every spiritual prompting
• Make schedule, stick with it or revise
• Sleep for 7-9 hours
• Exercise--walks

These things became my commitments--my promises to God. His promise to me was to help me obtain my goals. 

“Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:” ~Matthew 7:7

“Verily, verily, I say unto thee, blessed art thou for what thou hast done; for thou hast inquired of me, and behold, as often as thou hast inquired thou hast received instruction of my Spirit. If it had not been so, thou wouldst not have come to the place where thou art at this time.” ~D&C 6:14

Each day I would report on the commitments I kept. I would then write about the conflicts that came up in trying to keep them. I had questions about these conflicts so I wrote them down. In response, a scripture would come to my mind. Sometimes it was a song I knew or a story I had previously read. I realized he was answering me! And the method by which he was answering me was bringing things that I had read, heard, or seen in the past into my mind. So it was a good thing I had spent years reading the scriptures. He had a large volume of stories and key verses to choose from.

See another post on this topic: I Need To Communicate!

Whenever we repeat any process we become more efficient at it. It becomes an ability. A strength. So in the beginning of writing down my prayers, it took a little longer to receive the answers. And when they did come, it took me some time before I recognized them for what they were. More often than not he answered them through other people, their writings, teachings, conversations, and creations. As I continued this process, my faith increased incrementally. I was able to receive his answers much more quickly. In addition to the scriptures, songs, and stories, I started hearing answers straight in my thoughts--in an original idea or impression. I wrote them all down. So now he usually communicates what he's thinking through pure meaning almost like our minds are one. Then, when I write down what he 'thought to me' I use my own words to describe it.

“When it is for the Lord’s purposes, He can bring anything to our remembrance. That should not weaken our determination to record impressions of the Spirit. Inspiration carefully recorded shows God that His communications are sacred to us. Recording will also enhance our ability to recall revelation.” ~Elder Richard G. Scott

See blog post: The Voice Inside My Head

Listen: When You Say Nothing At All by Alison Krauss

I began each prayer with, "Dear Heavenly Father..." and then continued with the rest of the prayer. In time I became more organized. We had an agenda for each meeting and it was important for me to stick to it as much as possible. 

I formed a new relationship with God, a closer one. It was more personal than it had been before. It was like he was committing to accept me into his family as one of his children. He would play the father role to me and I would play the child role even though I was almost 36 years old and married with 4 kids.

He is there for all of us no matter how old we are. He is our Redeemer. That means that he can make us whole even if other relationships have left us feeling alone, unable, and worthless. He will be our Father, our Friend, our Family.

“And the Lord said unto me: Marvel not that all mankind, yea, men and women, all nations, kindreds, tongues and people, must be born again; yea, born of God, changed from their carnal and fallen state, to a state of righteousness, being redeemed of God, becoming his sons and daughters;” ~Mosiah 27:25

Listen: "Born Again" by Newsboys

Standing Steadfast in Christ

Last weekend I watched the movie “Joseph Smith: The Prophet of the Restoration” again. In one of my Special Ops Moms blog posts I wrote how I felt about the movie when I first saw it: 

“When I sat in the theater after seeing this for the first time, I could not get up.  I just sat there under the dim lights as everyone exited. Wave after wave of soul-piercing energy filled my heart. I didn’t want to let the emotion out because it was way too powerful and sacred. I just tried to contain it all inside of me. It wasn’t like I was just touched. It was more like the crashing waves of the ocean. So powerful. So true. So utterly sweet.   

“Again, even in this account of Joseph Smith, I knew the depiction was not perfect. What movie or story can capture actuality? But who he really was came through to me in the interstices—in between the scenes. And the music certainly didn’t help in the way of controlling my emotions either. So much admiration! So much respect for him.

“Some people say we worship Joseph Smith. What I say is I worship Jesus Christ and if a man comes near to being like him, that worship mechanism in my heart activates. It’s telling me, ‘This is a man you can trust’ (D&C 1:38).”

When I watched the movie this weekend I was looking for the specific characteristics that made my heart do what it did. Why was I so profoundly moved by this person? Even after the 6th or 7th time seeing it, my heart was filled with the most intense admiration for a long time afterwards. I have come to recognize that when my heart feels that way, it is testifying of Christ. The characteristic I noticed the most in Joseph Smith was what I’ll call Standing Steadfast in Christ. I’m going to define that characteristic the way I see it in this blog post. It’s not a simple definition.

Synonyms and Definitions for Steadfast
Faithful • Loyal • Committed • Devoted • Constant • Tenacious

• resolutely or dutifully firm and unwavering
• tending to keep a firm hold of something; clinging or adhering closely
• not readily relinquishing a position, principle, or course of action

The “in Christ” part of this characteristic is key. We can be tenaciously faithful to a Cause that is totally untrustworthy, imbalanced, Survival-of-the Fittest-like, and who will lead us in a direction that will prevent us from obtaining Sustainable Joy and Sustainable Life (false Christs and false prophets). So the adjective steadfast is not sufficient to describe this characteristic I saw in Joseph Smith.  The “in Christ” part is what takes time defining. I’ll start out with some short definitions:

• resolutely or dutifully firm and unwavering in studying the scriptures and applying what they teach to our lives
• tending to keep a firm hold on Christ’s doctrine; clinging to it or adhering closely to it even when persecuted or ignored because of it
• not readily relinquishing the Holy Ghost and what he is personally guiding us to do when the going gets tough
• not turning and reviling again when others abuse or neglect us
• taking the punch without punching back

“Some were lifted up in pride, and others were exceedingly humble; some did return railing for railing, while others would receive railing and persecution and all manner of afflictions, and would not turn and revile again, but were humble and penitent before God.” ~3 Nephi 6:13

“And now my beloved brethren, I would exhort you to have patience, and that ye bear with all manner of afflictions; that ye do not revile against those who do cast you out because of your exceeding poverty, lest ye become sinners like unto them;” ~Alma 34:40

Revile-
Criticize in an abusive or angrily insulting manner

Rail-
Complain or protest strongly and persistently about

The Preacher
During Joseph Smith’s early life, there were so many people trying to tell him what to do as he was searching for the truth. In the movie they depict an example of these Conflicting Causes with a local preacher character. He seemed to be a family friend. He was trying to convert Joseph and his family to his religion. That’s not a bad thing. Helping our friends learn about what we believe the truth to be is good. We all want to share a good thing when we find it. And this man appeared to be genuinely concerned about Joseph’s soul. The problem was what he was trying to teach him. It was false doctrine. For example, when Joseph’s oldest brother Alvin died the preacher told him that Alvin was lost—damned because he was never baptized. Joseph didn’t know if this was true or not but it caused him a lot of additional pain during a time when he was already grieving. Even if the doctrine the preacher was trying to convey to Joseph were true, was this really the best time to be shoving it down his throat? Whether the preacher meant well or not, he caused Joseph pain. It was a punch in the gut. So what was Joseph’s response? He heard the preacher out but did not respond. That doesn’t mean he agreed with him. In fact we know he didn’t. It’s what he didn’t say or do that amazes me. The natural response when people cause us pain is to defend ourselves.

Another example is when Joseph told the preacher about his sacred vision. The preacher responded by telling him there are no such things as visions in these days. He said God does not talk to people anymore. His communicating with man ended with the death of the apostles. 

“Some few days after I had this vision, I happened to be in company with one of the Methodist preachers, who was very active in the before mentioned religious excitement; and, conversing with him on the subject of religion, I took occasion to give him an account of the vision which I had had. I was greatly surprised at his behavior; he treated my communication not only lightly, but with great contempt, saying it was all of the devil, that there were no such things as visions or revelations in these days; that all such things had ceased with the apostles, and that there would never be any more of them.” ~Joseph Smith—History 1:21

That’s pretty offensive. Joseph just told him that he did in fact see God the Father and his Son Jesus Christ. And this man was basically telling him to his face that he was a liar or that he was screwed up. He told Joseph not to speak of it again. Another verbal punch. How did Joseph respond? We know it hurt him inside. He wasn’t impervious to offenses and the sorrow they caused, especially from people who called themselves Christians. But Joseph said nothing. He didn’t turn and revile again. He could have verbally attacked that preacher in self-defense. But he didn’t. He just walked away. Silent.

“And the high priest arose, and said unto him, Answerest thou nothing? what is it which these witness against thee? But Jesus held his peace.” ~Matthew 26:62-63

“Then [Herod] questioned with [Jesus] in many words; but he answered him nothing. And the chief priests and scribes stood and vehemently accused him. And Herod with his men of war set him at nought, and mocked him, and arrayed him in a gorgeous robe, and sent him again to Pilate.” ~Luke 23:8-11

They Mocked Him
Additionally, during Joseph’s early life he was often mocked by the members of his community. In the movie this was depicted in a scene where there were a bunch of men working on the Erie Canal in 1823, among which was his older brother Alvin. When Joseph showed up one man mocked him in front of everyone for his beliefs, his values, what he professed to be true. All the men (except for his brother) joined in laughing their heads off. Pretty heavy punch by a large group of people. A mob-like verbal attack. Joseph didn’t respond. You could tell it hurt him but he did not turn and revile again. Alvin took him under his arm and left with him. That’s amazing in and of itself. By doing so, Alvin joined himself to the subject being mocked, which would put him under direct fire.

The following excerpt from Joseph's history is how he did respond. 

“I soon found, however, that my telling the story had excited a great deal of prejudice against me among professors of religion, and was the cause of great persecution, which continued to increase; and though I was an obscure boy, only between fourteen and fifteen years of age, and my circumstances in life such as to make a boy of no consequence in the world, yet men of high standing would take notice sufficient to excite the public mind against me, and create a bitter persecution; and this was common among all the sects—all united to persecute me.

“It caused me serious reflection then, and often has since, how very strange it was that an obscure boy, of a little over fourteen years of age, and one, too, who was doomed to the necessity of obtaining a scanty maintenance by his daily labor, should be thought a character of sufficient importance to attract the attention of the great ones of the most popular sects of the day, and in a manner to create in them a spirit of the most bitter persecution and reviling. But strange or not, so it was, and it was often the cause of great sorrow to myself.

“However, it was nevertheless a fact that I had beheld a vision. I have thought since, that I felt much like Paul, when he made his defense before King Agrippa, and related the account of the vision he had when he saw a light, and heard a voice; but still there were but few who believed him; some said he was dishonest, others said he was mad; and he was ridiculed and reviled. But all this did not destroy the reality of his vision. He had seen a vision, he knew he had, and all the persecution under heaven could not make it otherwise; and though they should persecute him unto death, yet he knew, and would know to his latest breath, that he had both seen a light and heard a voice speaking unto him, and all the world could not make him think or believe otherwise.

“So it was with me. I had actually seen a light, and in the midst of that light I saw two Personages, and they did in reality speak to me; and though I was hated and persecuted for saying that I had seen a vision, yet it was true; and while they were persecuting me, reviling me, and speaking all manner of evil against me falsely for so saying, I was led to say in my heart: Why persecute me for telling the truth? I have actually seen a vision; and who am I that I can withstand God, or why does the world think to make me deny what I have actually seen? For I had seen a vision; I knew it, and I knew that God knew it, and I could not deny it, neither dared I do it; at least I knew that by so doing I would offend God, and come under condemnation.”
~Joseph Smith—History 1:22-25

Now that is the epitome of Standing Steadfast in Christ! He did not turn and revile again but he also continued to hold on to his deep convictions. The abuse and the negligence did not cause him to change his position or to keep it hidden. He held steadfast and took the punches without punching back, while maintaining his course of action. So incredibly like Jesus!!!

“Jesus answered him, I spake openly to the world; I ever taught in the synagogue, and in the temple, whither the Jews always resort; and in secret have I said nothing. Why askest thou me? ask them which heard me, what I have said unto them: behold, they know what I said. And when he had thus spoken, one of the officers which stood by struck Jesus with the palm of his hand, saying, Answerest thou the high priest so? Jesus answered him, If I have spoken evil, bear witness of the evil: but if well, why smitest thou me?” ~John 18:20-23

“But as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe on his name:” John 1:12

It's never going to be popular to Stand Steadfast in Christ...until he comes again. Why? Because standing for him should test our faith. It should prove it. So whatever our individual circumstances, we will be tried. Expect it. Don't think something is wrong with you just because your getting persecuted for following the guidance you're receiving from Him personally. Do the best you can to determine that it is His voice you're hearing and then move forward knowing the punches are going to come from somewhere.

“For the things which some men esteem to be of great worth, both to the body and soul, others set at naught and trample under their feet. Yea, even the very God of Israel do men trample under their feet; I say, trample under their feet but I would speak in other words—they set him at naught, and hearken not to the voice of his counsels.” ~1 Nephi 19:7

This account in Joseph Smith’s history in combination with his whole life of repeated refusal to to return reviling and railing stand as retribution in and of themselves. They were a solid testimony against all those who persecuted him or treated him like he and his message were worthless. In the end Jesus Christ, Joseph Smith, and all those who Stand Steadfast in Christ in the face of adversity receive the heavenly glory. The other guys get none of it. That's a pretty heavy consequence.

“Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness’ sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.” ~Matthew 5:10-12

“He that rejecteth me, and receiveth not my words, hath one that judgeth him: the word that I have spoken, the same shall judge him in the last day. For I have not spoken of myself; but the Father which sent me, he gave me a commandment, what I should say, and what I should speak. And I know that his commandment is life everlasting: whatsoever I speak therefore, even as the Father said unto me, so I speak.” ~John 12:48-50

Saying Nothing vs. Objectively Answering
Standing Steadfast in Christ is not just about saying nothing in response to a verbal punch. There are many example’s in Christ’s life in which he did respond to contentious, persecuting, accusing people. But he kept his response objective. It wasn’t about vengeful self-defense. It was about teaching them and all of us who are watching him. It wasn’t full of uncontrolled emotions that would compromise his ability to respond in balance. And so we learn from Him: Sometimes it’s best to not say anything at all because the person throwing punches is completely unreasonable or because we do not presently have control over our emotions. But if there are some in our audience that may be receptive and we can keep our response balanced and objective then we are also Standing Steadfast in Christ. Often times, as in Joseph Smith's case, we are able to write a true account of the event in our own history (journal) when our emotions are settled down. If we can hold our tongue even though we are emotionally compromised internally in very difficult situations, we can later report the truth, admitting our imperfections and describing the punches objectively.

"You know, you know, you know, you know we had it right
We don't gotta say anything
Don't gotta say anything
Don't say a word at all
Don't say a word at all
We don't gotta say anything
Don't gotta say anything
Don't say a word at all
Don't say a word at all"
~"San Francisco" 5 Seconds of Summer

I've heard my kids play the above song. I didn't really know what it was about but these lyrics at the end synced well with my soul especially with the topic in this blog post. They seem to carry a completely separate message than the rest of the song. They form a song in and of themselves. The rest is a little sketchy for the sacred message I'm trying to communicate in this blog post so if you find it on the web, forward it to 2.35. They removed the video I originally found and I can't find another one. But awesome musical talent.

In the next blog post I'll talk about the opposite of this strength. It's a weakness that I'm naming: Turning and Reviling Again. I'll do this in order to really drive home the value of Standing Steadfast in Christ.