The Word

There are so many words in the English language and in every other language on the earth. Behind all languages is a united semantic meaning. We just use words to describe the meaning that independently exists. These are the words I have used to describe the Semantic Meaning I was being shown.

Adversity = Abuse/Neglect X Random vs. Intentional

Random = Unconscious or Ignorant (lack of knowledge) or Natural Disasters, Accidents

Intentional = Having knowledge, purposeful, selfish

Sorrow = Fear/Depression

Abuse and Neglect cause Fear and Depression

When we Abuse ourselves or others we experience Fear.

When we Neglect ourselves or others we experience Depression.

Abuse = Processing beyond the NW Threshold

Neglect = Processing below the NE Threshold

Love = Processing within the Northern Threshold or Zone

Love = Mercy

Mercy = Justice/Time

Love = Faith/Sacrifice

Love causes Peace and Energy.

Joy = Peace/Energy

Sustainable Love = Sustainable Joy

Northern Desire = Hope

NW Desire = Demand

NE Desire = Apathy

Northern Process = Love = Faith/Sacrifice

Faith = Receiving Peace from Others' Sacrifices

Faith = Experience the Flow of Energy inward

Sacrifice = Giving Peace through Sacrifice for Others

Sacrifice = Experience the Flow of Energy outward

NW Process = Abuse = Too little Faith/Too much Sacrifice

Abuse = Force Others to Sacrifice to give you Peace

Abuse = Experience too Intensely the Flow of Energy outward and not enough inward = Stress, Anxiety, Fear

NE Process = Neglect = Too much Faith/Too little Sacrifice

Neglect = Don't Sacrifice enough to give others Peace

Neglect = Experience Energy pooled up and stagnant = Boredom, Lethargy, Depression

Southern Evaluation = Remembrance 

Remembrance X Success = Confidence/Gratitude

Remembrance X Failure = Empathy/Humility

SE/SW Evaluation X Success = Pride/Envy

SE/SW Evaluation X Failure = Toxic Shame/Toxic Blame

SE Success/Failure Evaluation = Pride/Toxic Shame -> NW Desire + Process = Demand/Abuse

SW Success/Failure Evaluation = Envy/Toxic Blame -> NE Desire + Process = Apathy/Neglect

Pride Effects = False sense of Importance and Success, You think you're better than others, you are happy that others are failing because it means that you're winning (you are ahead of them).

Envy Effects = False sense that your conditions are unfair because others have Success. Feel sorry for yourself when others succeed, have Resources you don't.

Resources = talents, gifts, abilities, natural resources, skills, knowledge, strengths

Toxic Shame Process = False perception of your Weaknesses and Failures. A Fixed Mindset that you are responsible for all Failures. Fixed Mindset that there is nothing you can do about mistakes, Failures. You see yourself as a Failure instead of the Process. You can't separate the two. You can't see that there are other Causes invovled.

Toxic Shame Effects = Insecurity, Inhibition, Low Self-esteem, feel worthless

Toxic Blame Process = False perception of other people's Weaknesses and Failures. A Fixed Mindset that they are responsible for all your Failures. The false perception that you have to rely completely on others for your success and they are failing you.  You see them as the Failure instead of the Process or Circumstances. You can't separate the two. You can't see that there is something you can do to change your Results.

Toxic Blame Effects = Anger, Irritation, Annoyance

Results X Success = Resource, abilities, talents, skills, knowledge

Cause = A person who has Success Results

Results X Failure = Weaknesses, disabilities, ignorance, DESIRE

Child = A person who presently has Failure Results

Remembrance X Success or Confidence Process = Objective understanding of the Resources you have to Sacrifice for others. Understanding of your responsibilities. To whom much is given, much is required.

Others = Children/Causes 

Children/Causes in Northern Threshold = Servants/Partners

NW/NE - SE/SW Children/Causes = Slaves/Competitors

Remembrance X Success or Gratitude Process = Objective understanding of the Resources others are Sacrificing for you. Thankfulness when they fulfill their responsibility to you. The realization that they experience Joy when they are able to Sacrifice for you.

Remembrance X Failure or Humility Process = Objective understanding of your lack of Resources to provide for your needs and to Sacrifice for others. Acknowledgment of your dependence on other Causes who have Resources. Growth Mindset - there is a time and space for you to get it right, to learn, to achieve, to develop the Resources you desire.

Remembrance X Failure or Empathy Process = Objective understanding that others lack the Resources that you have. Growth Mindset that they are in a temporary state, which can be changed. Willingness to be a part of that change. Remembering that you also have Failures and Weaknesses that you are still working on. Remembering that in the past you had similar Failures and through time and experience as well as the assistance of others, the Failures have been turned into Successes.

Failure - A term and concept used in Pride/Envy + Toxic Shame/Blame Evaluation with Fixed Mindset to suggest Eternal Worthlessness.

Failure - A term and concept used in Confidence/Humility + Empathy/Gratitude Evaluation with a Growth Mindset to suggest a Temporary Setback which can be changed into Desire and Opportunity through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

Shields Up! Part 3

Learning to strengthen my shields was like reconstructing my spiritual genetic code. And my spiritual genetic code is my mindset. Before the Savior retrained me, I was trapped in a mindset that said I shouldn't feel hurt by what others did to me. I thought that the fact that I was hurt meant that I was a failure.

This post is the third part of a three-part post. If you haven't already, read these posts first:

Shields Up! Part 1

Shields Up! Part 2

Finding the Balance in Evaluation

In evaluating my past to understand why I used to Turn and Revile Again, I was getting all knotted up in Toxic Shame. I knew I shouldn't have responded in that way, but I didn't know how else to handle the extremely painful feelings. I didn't understand that it was okay to feel hurt. It was okay to objectively realize that part of the cause of my pain was someone else's behavior. That was not wrong.

I learned that I had to acknowledge the reality of the pain first. People do have the power to hurt each other. And I needed someone else to acknowledge and empathize with my pain. This had to be someone whose judgment I trusted. For me, that was the Lord. 

When he told me that he knew how badly someone else's words or behavior had hurt me and that I was justified in feeling the way I did, I felt so validated. His empathy healed me. But he didn't stop there. He went on to strengthen my shields.

He showed me that there was "a space between stimulus and response." I had a choice to make. Would I Turn and Revile Again or would I stop myself, receive the pain, go to the Savior and cry, but not give it back? If I did return reviling for reviling, that would usually result in more reviling from the other person. And of course, the abuse would have to escalate by degrees the more we hurt each other. How could this response process resolve my conflicts? The answer was that it couldn't. It just made them worse. Learning this bit of knowledge really increased my intelligence, which increased my motivation to stop Turning and Reviling Again. I didn't want to engage in such a futile Conflict Resolution Process.

Additional enlightenment came when I focused on God's way of lovingly correcting me. Every time I Abused or Neglected someone else, I lost the Spirit to a certain degree. I felt awful. It was extremely intense. And I didn't like that at all. 

Before this training period started, I didn't understand what was going on. I didn't know God's language well enough. I thought He was communicating to me that I was wrong and the other person was right. I thought it meant that I deserved to be abused but the other person didn't deserve the abuse I was returning. 

This was a conflict with my perception of God's Justice. That was another major weakness in my shields that had to be reconstructed. I had to learn about his Justice. And so the Lord taught me about it. I learned that I lose the Spirit when I Abuse/Neglect (Extreme NW/NE Process) someone else, regardless of what they do to me. Other people lose the Spirit when Abuse/Neglect me, regardless of what I do to them. Since I couldn't see that latter part happening, I thought I was the only one being corrected. 

Because of this weakness in my shields, I thought somewhere in my unconsciousness that God must not be just, which kept me at a distance from him. When I got it all straightened out, I was saved, rescued, healed, and overjoyed!  

The motivation for me to stop myself from Turning and Reviling Again changed: Was it worth it to me to suffer the pain others inflicted upon me without responding to them in kind in order to keep my shields up and keep His Spirit with me?

YES, it was worth it to me to receive the hurt without Turning and Reviling Again. It was worth it to me because of what I found out! Maintaining my shields and keeping his Spirit with me strengthened me against Abuse and Neglect. NW/NE Extreme behaviors didn't hurt so badly. It took time to develop the strength in my shields. I had to continually nourish my relationship with Him, but in time I became INVINCIBLE! No, just kidding. But my boundaries against the mean things other people said and did have increased incrementally over time. And that has changed who I am. I have become someone different. I started liking myself a lot more. I started liking other people a lot more. I found myself enjoying the challenge of holding isometric in the face of all kinds of Imbalanced Behaviors. My kids' behavior presented a great training ground for me. 

I still can be hurt, especially when I start slacking in my relationship with the Lord, but I've learned how to hold my sharp tongue (for the most part) and to keep my emotions and pain between him and me until I can constructively work out the conflicts that arise with others.

When I read the following scriptures after learning about how his Justice works, I finally understood what he wanted me to do when things didn't go my way. And I understood the rewards he has already put in place for those that maintained the Northern Balance and for those who continuously chose to maintain the NW/NE Extreme Imbalance.

“But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.” ~Matthew 5:44-45

“We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, and not for Adam’s [or any other man's] transgression.” Article of Faith 2

Listen: "He Showed Me How" by David Archuleta

Knowledge and wisdom passed down by a loving and compassionate teacher are the keys to "bring out the prisoners from the prison."

The first part of the following scripture describes me "before" my training. The second part describes the knowledge he gave me and how valuable it has been to me. Each concept he has taught me has been very much like a precious gemstone.

“O thou afflicted, tossed with tempest, and not comforted; behold, I will lay thy stones with fair colours, and lay thy foundations with sapphires.” ~Isaiah 54:11

Shields Up! Part 2

Neglect: The Opposite of Abuse
I have used the word Abuse as a synonym for reviling. And Abuse is the main word I’ve chosen to use in my writing to describe the NW Imbalance. So, technically Abuse is combining with someone else in a way that hurts them. It is adding a stimulus. It is a sin of Commission.

This post is the second part of a three-part post. If you haven't already, read this post first: Shields Up! Part 1

The opposite of Abuse is Neglect. Technically, Neglect is separating from someone else in a way that hurts them. It is subtracting a stimulus. It is a sin of Omission.

I learned that people could use Neglect to hurt me. The reason behind that is that we all need love. Love is spiritual nourishment. We need it as much as we need food and water for physical nourishment. We cannot spiritually live without it. So without love, we experience Sorrow. And that hurts.

Those who are responsible for our care have the responsibility to physically and spiritually love us. In this way, they care for our body and spirit. So if they Neglect doing this for us, they leave us in a vulnerable place. We are excessively exposed to injury and reviling. Our shields are not fully functional. We have more sensitivities. We’re easily hurt by others who Abuse and Neglect us. 

Negligence also includes neglecting to teach us relationship skills and to train us how to stand steadfast in Christ, which powers our shields. The combination of both ignorance (as a result of Negligent training) and Abuse results in a high level of vulnerability - shields down.

Degrees of Intensity

The Lord would often show me diagrams in my mind to teach me. He showed me something like the diagram to the right and taught me there are degrees of intensity for both Abuse and Neglect. Not only can others Abuse me by degrees, but they could also Neglect me by degrees. 

And of course, I could do this to others. But He had to help me understand what was done to me first so he could heal me - re-parent me. The result was that I turned around and was able to love my kids from my heart. My sacrifice became intentional and voluntary. I was able to bear their burdens without reacting to their Imbalanced Processes.

What is Love Anyway?

Have you ever studied the semantic concept of Love? That word was pretty confusing to me because of all the definitions out there. But this is what the Lord showed me: The balance between Abuse and Neglect is Love. Love includes standing steadfast in Christ in the face of other people's Abuse and Neglect. It is giving Mercy to those who hurt me instead of doing what comes naturally.

He taught me that love was also about training and giving appropriate consequences. He said that sometimes I should disapprove and correct my children's behavior. In Mercy sometimes I should separate them from the family and put them in timeout.

I asked him how I would know when I crossed the line to Abuse or Neglect. That took Him time to explain to me. We’ll get to that somewhere in the next few posts. For now, just know that it's not wrong to Combine or Separate in order to resolve conflicts. It just doesn't resolve them when we combine or separate contrary to the Holy Ghost's guidance. Combining too much is Abuse. Separating too much is Neglect.

With this information, we can see that most of us were Abused or Neglected to some degree growing up and we still may be experiencing some of that in our present family relationships. It is the degree of weakness in these critical relationships which causes weakness in our shields. With weak shields, we are more vulnerable to even less intense forms of Adversity. And because our ability to bear Adversity is not too high, we are more likely to Turn and Revile Again when our children misbehave, hurt us, or disobey. And that's just how it is.

Continued in: Shields Up! Part 3

Shields Up! Part 1

I was once overly sensitive to the way people treated me. It was like my shields were down. What they said to me, the names they called me, and other forms of NW/NE Processes hurt me intensely. 

But after I was retrained by the Savior, my shields became fully functional and my spiritual boundaries strengthened against those I did not choose to influence me. And I also became more sensitive to those whom I did choose to influence me.

Once I realized I had the capacity to gain control of this choice, I was able to maintain control of my response process.

When I was younger, I was vulnerable to the way people treated me. That continued into my younger-mother years. I unconsciously saw my kids' misbehavior as the way they were treating me. So this is where the Lord had to start retraining me. 

In the first step of his training, he had me look a little closer at semantic concepts such as Adversity, Sorrow, Abuse, Neglect, Love, Justice, Mercy, and Joy. He instructed me to create a list of synonyms for each of the words we studied and then identify their relationships with each other. 

For example, Abuse is the opposite of Neglect. In between these two concepts is Love. This is the Northern Balance. Then he showed me how semantic meanings vary by degrees. People have come up with different words to describe these variations. But they are all related.

For more on how He showed me to organize these concepts, see: The Semantic Word

All of these treasures of knowledge have been a necessary part of my training to kick the habit of what I like to refer to as Turning and Reviling Again - NW/NE Processes in response to NW/NE Processes. After studying these general concepts, we studied examples of them in history where they were played out. When I understood them, I used them to resolve my relationship conflicts. 

Whether the person who hurt me was a coworker, another driver on the road, a parent, a family member, or especially a child, I used the same core principles that the Lord taught me to resolve the conflict. When I understood them, my shields were strengthened.  In this and the next two blog posts, I am going to talk about some of the first semantic concepts that we went over.

To Revile
To Revile is to criticize, condemn, attack, rail against, slander, vilify, or Abuse. It’s also to knock, slam, badmouth, persecute, or crucify. It can be done physically or verbally. The definition we used in a previous post was: to criticize in an abusive or angrily insulting manner. So this is one of our major sources of Adversity. Abuse - other people reviling us. 

When we say that we Turn and Revile Again, we’re insinuating that we are responding to some kind of Abuse that we received first. The scriptures call this "the first offense." It is just another name or synonym for the word Revile. Note the references in the following verse to the first and second offenses.

“And they were doing that which they felt was the duty which they owed to their God; for the Lord had said unto them, and also unto their fathers, that: Inasmuch as ye are not guilty of the first offense, neither the second, ye shall not suffer yourselves to be slain by the hands of your enemies.” ~Alma 43:46

Being guilty of the first offense basically means that you started the fight.

"The second offense" is a synonym for Turning and Reviling Again. When I understood the meaning behind the first and second offenses, I understood this scripture better.  If the Nephites weren't guilty of starting the fight or reacting with hatred, then they were defending themselves and their families objectively. 

So, I learned a key semantic concept: In some cases, God directs us to defend and protect ourselves objectively. If we seek to resolve conflicts without yielding to emotional knee-jerk-reactions and a desire for vengeance, we can clearly and accurately hear his guidance.

I learned that if I did the same in my relationships with others, I would be able to resolve my relationship conflicts with love and empathy even if it meant I had to make choices my kids, my spouse, or my community did not like.

Not being subject to everyone else's responses to my choices was key for maintaining my balance. It was okay if they did not approve of my choices. The important thing was that God approved of them.

When I understood the semantic meaning of the word Revile and that there were many synonyms for it, I was able to find lots of examples of people dealing with Abuse (Extreme NW Processes) in history, and study how they responded to it. I saw how the Lord counseled them, which I also applied to my own relationships.

Degrees of Reviling
I learned that people could revile me a little or a lot. This is speaking of the degree or intensity of the Adversity. 

Before I originally wrote this post in August 2018, I wrote another post called Turning & Reviling Again. In that post, I described how much it hurt me when my brother told me I was fat. But it was a lesser degree of Adversity when it was just him than when he got all of his friends to tell me I was fat.  

When the Lord was retraining me, he taught me that if more people abused me, the intensity of my pain increased. It would hurt me more.

When my kids misbehaved, it seemed to echo the way I was treated when I was young. I had an intense reaction to it. It was like they were abusing me too. And I had to understand that even when kids treat parents badly, it is a form of abuse. But for them, they are just learning how to resolve their conflicts and obtain their desires in Northern ways. They need time and a steady parent who sets the example for them. But since I didn't have that example or understand the role I needed to play, I just experienced it as abuse.

Also, I examined how people could lightly criticize me or they could go on and on about how wrong I was and how right they were. This meant that higher levels of duration and frequency also increased the intensity of Adversity.

 

Additionally, when those I had relationships with got really specific and detailed in their criticism, the Adversity Intensity would increase. 

Finally, there is one other way that Adversity can be increased: If someone with whom we have developed a deep relationship hurts us, it is especially painful. This is what happened in Jesus' relationship with Judas Iscariot. When someone very close to you betrays you, it is especially painful. 

Learning about the cause of the pain I experienced in my relationships helped me immensely. He was teaching me that my pain was real and that it wasn't the problem. In this way, he validated my feelings and empathized with me. I learned that it was important to understand why I may get intensely upset about something when others thought all I needed to do was to take a chill-pill.

What hurts one person may not phase another. That’s because we value things differently. We're all unique. We all have different weaknesses and sensitivities. Knowing someone else's gives us the knowledge of how to love them better or hate them worse.

In the past, I was not able to take criticism and teasing lightly because my shields were not up. I was allowing everyone to define my value because I didn't have a strong enough relationship with a Cause.

If you have been reading my posts for a while, you know how I define the word Cause. I will define it here for those who haven't. A Cause is a trainer/mentor/provider/evaluator/exemplar. It is someone you trust. You can talk to him (or her) when you are upset and he doesn't make it worse. He makes it better because he knows how to resolve conflicts and obtain desires within the Northern Threshold. He has your back. He knows when to empathize and when to draw the line. The Savior has played this role for me. 

I didn't have a close enough relationship with someone like that until 2006. Once I developed that relationship with Him, my shields became fully functional.

How intensely other people revile us added to how sensitive we are, creates the level of Adversity that we experience.  The level of Adversity I experienced often exceeded my ability to stop myself from Turning and Reviling Again.

If you have been raised with NW/NE parenting and are struggling with parenting yourself and struggling with your emotional balance, I hope that what I have learned will help you strengthen your shields.

Continued in: Shields Up! Part 2

Spinning Like a Wobbly Top

The default when we are born into this world is that we all experience the Lord’s Peace continuously. It is given to us in the Northern Threshold and it is incredibly sustaining. We may not even realize we are being supported in this way until we separate ourselves from it by centrifugally spinning outward into NW and NE extremes. His Peace wanes as we increase the width of the arch of our spin. We move centrifugally instead of centripetally – our arrows point outward towards the imbalance instead of inward towards the balance.

"For the word of the Lord is truth, and whatsoever is truth is light, and whatsoever is light is Spirit, even the Spirit of Jesus Christ.

"And the Spirit giveth light to every man that cometh into the world; and the Spirit enlighteneth every man through the world, that hearkeneth to the voice of the Spirit." -D&C 86:45-46

In order to best understand what I'm talking about in this post, you should have previously read these posts:

I Have a Tale to Tell

I Learned My Lesson Well

I Know Where Beauty Lives

It Shines Inside You

The Secrets I Have Learned

Somebody Save Me

In 2006-08, the Lord taught me about these concepts. I learned about the semantic meaning behind the words Peace, Energy, Faith, and Sacrifice. 

Peace

Peace is comfort, spiritual nourishment, and rest. It is when we feel loved, cherished, cared for.

Energy

We experience an outward flow of Energy, which is somewhat painful when we voluntarily sacrifice for others.

Sacrifice

Sacrifice is when you expend effort and forego personal comfort in order to provide Peace for someone else. You parent in Mercy. Mercy is Justice over Time. You give your kids a space and time to learn, make mistakes, and grow. You do not exercise an excessive amount of Justice upon them. But you do train and educate them so they can learn higher-level functional relationship skills over time because God's Justice (the objective reality we all live in) incrementally increases over time.



Faith

We experience Peace when we put our Faith and trust in someone who has the will and capacity to help us bear our burdens – someone who voluntarily sacrifices for us. We hope to be parented in Mercy. We hope to have a space and time to learn, make mistakes, and grow. We submit ourselves to be trained and educated so we can learn higher-level function relationship skills over time.

I capitalize these words in my writing because I was trained to choose one word out of many synonyms to represent a semantic concept. That has been hard because every word adds a different brushstroke of meaning to my visualization of each of the variables.

Voluntary Sacrifice

Learning about these concepts helped me to understand that I needed to be sacrificing for my kids in Mercy. Mercy is just another word for the Northern Threshold. So, learning my role for them was very helpful. Parenting in Mercy is hard. It requires muscle, strength, sacrifice. It is supposed to hurt, but not be overwhelming. When I strive to parent centripetally in the Northern Threshold, I experience both the pain of Sacrifice and the Savior’s Peace, which when balanced is Joy.

It was important for me to understand that there was no other way for me to experience Joy. No one else could give it to me. Not even the Savior. I could experience his Peace, but without my Voluntary Sacrifice, I could not experience Joy. And I craved the Joy. I didn’t want to just sit around a feel comfortable because that actually turns into boredom and depression, which is the Northeast side of the Compass. I will talk about that in my next blog post. In this one, I will focus on the Northwest side.

Northwest Parenting

So, I already was sacrificing for my kids. In the 90s, when I was living in New Jersey and then later in Westminster, Colorado, the sacrifice parenting required of me was at the top of my NW threshold. Too often it escalated into overwhelming.

I’ll compare Sacrifice to running. In order to be a parent at the level I understood that to be, I was continually required to sprint at the top of my zone, and I was hitting my spiritual heart-rate-max too often. And this exhausted me. It made me feel like a total failure. I looked around at other moms “running beside me” that seemed to not be struggling at all. They were in the center of their zones. So, what the heck was wrong with me?

I wanted to keep up. I wanted to be a good mom. I had planned it that way. Why couldn’t I do this?

Even though I was struggling so intensely, I would not leave my post. In looking back, I see myself as Horton the elephant in the Dr. Seuss story, “Horton Hatches the Egg.” I was definitely as stubborn as he was in my commitment to stay home with my kids no matter how difficult the sacrifice.

“I meant what I said, and I said what I meant. An Elephant’s faithful one hundred percent.”

The storms and other sources of adversity that threatened to push me out of my nest were not only coming from external sources, but they were also coming from an intense internal source. I’m saying that my own inabilities over-intensified the way I felt more so than the storm itself. I wasn’t as patient and long-suffering as Horton. My parenting skills needed work. There were many times when my performance was subpar. I needed to be educated, retrained, strengthened, re-loved, re-parented in order to weather these storms more like Horton did. 

His Re-Parenting Process

It helped me immensely when the Lord showed me how to diagram my Processes (Faith and Sacrifice) and Effects (Peace and Energy) using a Compass as a metaphor. It empowered me with the knowledge of what was happening inside of me and how I could control it.

Northwest

He showed me that this is what was happening when I veered off into the Northwest:

Too Little Peace

I experienced hunger, discomfort, and unrest. I could not feel loved, cherished, or cared for. This is where the intense desire to be saved was coming from.

Too Much Sacrifice

I was Sacrificing too much for how little Peace I was receiving (or had received growing up). I didn’t anticipate motherhood being that hard. When conflicts arose, I didn’t know how to resolve them in a functional way – in Balanced Mercy. And this is all relative. I wasn’t completely dysfunctional. The issue was that I wasn’t happy with the level of my functionality. It seemed to sharply conflict with the eternal person that I really was. Thus, the intense battle within me. I needed to increase my ability to voluntarily sacrifice, but I didn’t know how. I needed to learn more Justice over Time = Mercy.

Too Much Pain

There was too much Energy flowing out of me because I was trying to parent my kids in the NW with too much Justice. I experienced too much stress. I was expecting too much of them and myself too soon. I didn’t know how else to do it. This was how I was raised. I mean, I didn’t like the disciplinary methods used upon me when I was a child and knew I should not discipline like that, but I didn’t realize that my expectations of children were one of the products of being raised like that. This was my understanding of Justice and Mercy. I definitely was not able to see that I was even contemplating these concepts at the time. But in hindsight, I could see that I was constantly trying to figure them out. While I would not let the abuse pass down upon my children if I had anything to do with it, I wasn’t yet able to figure out this Justice and Mercy thing. Therefore, I was a wall against the intense internal Justice that I had been raised with. It was continuously trying to force me to pass this onto my children, but I fought it like crazy to stop it. So much internal conflict.

Too Little Faith

This is where my relationship with Jesus Christ came in. I didn’t know that he had my back. I didn’t know how interactive he could be in my life. When it came to the day-to-day motherhood routine and all the little conflicts that arose between me and my kids, I didn’t realize I could trust him. I didn’t know about his Mercy for me. I had heard all of my life about Jesus Christ. I had loved him from a distance. I just didn’t know what his Atoning Sacrifice had to do with me, how it applied to me. And I didn’t know his governing style. So, I had too little faith in him. 

The Northwest side of the Semantic Compass is Fear or Anxiety. The Result was that I was spinning like a wobbly top ready to topple over.

Somebody Save Me

When I was a young mom living in New Jersey during the early 1990s and trying to raise two little boys, I was often very impatient with them. And sometimes I was angry with them. 

They didn’t want to listen to me, broke a lot of rules, got into a lot of things they shouldn’t have, hurt each other, hurt me, and made the house an ongoing mess. 

When I sat down to build Legos and blocks with them, I tried to build something creative and interesting, but could never get very far before they would knock it all down. They took total pleasure in this. I think this is funny now, but at the time it was pretty frustrating. 

Symbolically, I wanted to build things up, develop, achieve, and grow. And they wanted to knock things down, experiment, play, and test boundaries.

I was always cleaning up the spaghetti and green beans that they threw on the floor, changing explosive poopy diapers, trying to identify the source of their discomfort and crying (ear infections, constipation, diarrhea, flu, colic, fevers, etc.), and searching for ways to keep us all educated, entertained, and spiritually fed during the long days at home with no car. We only had one, and my husband drove it to work every day.

And in regard to my mind…I couldn’t stand Barney. Sesame Street was okay. I eked some drops of intelligence from Reading Rainbow that prevented my mind from wasting away into literally nothing. 

In conclusion (as my daughter Laura would say), I had a good reason for feeling impatient and angry. Motherhood was a heavy burden. The sacrifice was really intense yet extremely boring, and I couldn’t seem to find much relief from it. 

So, after I responded to situations by yelling or tossing a boy onto his bed in frustration, I wanted to experience comfort and understanding for what I was going through. Instead, I felt awful feelings inside of me. And I felt like a total failure. I could not stop my boys from misbehaving and making messes and neither could I stop myself from getting upset about it. 

I felt trapped in this never-ending cycle of failures.

At the time, I could not explain what was happening, let alone why. I rarely wrote in my journal throughout these years, but when I did it was to reach for someone to save me during some of my most intense emotional periods.

Somebody save me

I don't care how you do it, just save, save

C'mon, I'm waiting for you

Listen: Save Me by Remy Zero 

(This song was used for the Smallville Television series)

I noted in my journal that I was reading my scriptures every day and praying. I also read to the boys from the scripture readers for kids and sang hymns with them. And I was going to church every Sunday. I was doing everything I knew to keep God’s commandments, but apparently, all of this was not enough. I ended those journal entries with the conclusion that I did not like myself and sometimes even confessed in Toxic Shame that I didn’t like motherhood either.

I feel my wings

Have broken in your hands

I feel the words unspoken inside

When they pull you under

And I will give you anything you want, oh

When I look back on this time period and other events throughout the 1990s and early 2000s, I recognize that I was in a type of bondage that I did not know how to get out of. Spiritually, I was experiencing anxiety and depression.

I see the world has folded in your heart

I feel the waves crash down inside

And they pull me under

And I would give you anything you want, oh

You were all I wanted

And all my dreams are fallen down

Crawlin’ around and around…

Out of all the years I have lived since this time and all the trials I have gone through, these early motherhood years were the hardest. I mean, I have had harder trials, but I had the strength and the relationship with the Lord to bear them. During these early years, even though I was reading my scriptures and praying I hadn’t yet developed a close enough relationship with him. And so, it was this combination of my distance from him, subsequent weakness, and the intense long-term sacrifice that kicked my butt.

There is an even deeper reason for why this failure hurt me so badly. Before I even met my husband, I had made a sacred covenant with God in which I told him I was ready for the sacrifice that motherhood required of me and I was willing to stay home with my kids. I was determined to be there for them and not leave them alone. This meant everything to me and I wanted so badly to be true to this commitment to God and to my kids. And I thought this determination would be enough to succeed. It wasn’t.

Somebody Save Me! 

In 1999, I remember getting to a low point and asking my husband for a priesthood blessing. I had been pleading with God for years in my prayers to “please, help me be a better mother.” In the blessing, I was promised that because I had been constantly asking him for this for so long, he would give it to me. Later, I would understand better why he put it like that. It became an opportunity cost to some of my other relationships.

Soon after this blessing, I was prompted to learn about nutrition and exercise balance. For the next five years, I journeyed along this pathway and I found greater healing, strength, and joy.  The first blog post that I ever wrote was about this part of my journey: Anxiety & Depression

But by 2006, I was still struggling with my role as a mother. Some things had settled down. I had read a lot of parenting books. I had learned how to eat and exercise in balance (as mentioned in the Anxiety & Depression blog post). I had more time to develop my personal talents. The kids were a little older and in school. We lived in a large house on a couple acres of land and had more money to spend on toys, sports, talents, activities, travel, etc. With experience, I had improved my parenting skills, but I still was not there yet. 

Inside me, I was still crying out:

Somebody save me

Let your warm hands break right through

And save me

As you may remember from my previous posts, during this same time I was studying semantics. I had begun to realize that I could figure out whatever I wanted to figure out. I just turned my eyes on it, studied it with the techniques the Lord was teaching me and could see it. And when I applied what I was learning to my life, it solved the problems.

I turned my focus on parenting. I knew that much of my salvation had to do with my getting this parenting role down and doing right by these four beautiful children that God had entrusted me with. I could not pass on what was passed on to me. I had to somehow stop it. I wanted this so badly. My attitude was:

I don’t care how you do it, just stay, stay

I was willing to do whatever it took. Just show me how… and stay with me.

What does it mean to be saved? 

I had very little understanding of what was meant by being saved before I looked at it. It was one of those words I just glossed over when reading because I had seen it so many times. And in my earlier years, I didn’t really like to talk about being saved because the Holy Rollers that used the term made it sound super weird. They seemed to hype it up and define it in a way that did not resonate with me. And then I heard other people making fun of this Holy Roller presentation of God’s grace. But I would not make fun of God or his grace.

In my studies and through the last sixteen years of training with the Lord, I have come to understand what the words Saved and Salvation mean:

Sustainable Compatible Relationships

Sustainable Joy

As a Child (of my parents and of God), I am loved, nourished, evaluated, and disciplined within the Northern Threshold. 

As a Parent, I love, nourish, evaluate, and discipline my children within the Northern Threshold - in alignment with God's will.

As a Wife, I am balanced with my husband within the Northern Threshold (see my Soulmates Marriage blog).

As a member of my Community, I love, nourish, and look for the good in others, empathetically forgiving, while objectively working together to resolve what’s not working

It sounds so simple. And it is. But because of the Fall, agency, adversity, Satan, and the subsequent imbalanced incompatible relationships and situations that complicate everything, the solution also gets a little more detailed.

Just stay, stay 

C’mon, I’m still waiting for you.

If you are struggling with parenting, I am going to share how the Lord saved me in this role in the next few posts.