Could I Forgive My Past Self?

When I was growing up, my family didn’t have a lot. We struggled financially. I didn’t have money to buy what I wanted. And there were many little things that I really wanted. One day, I found some money in my mom’s dresser drawer that I knew belonged to my little sister, Emelia. She had received it for her birthday. I guess my mom was keeping it because Emelia was only eight years old. It was sixty dollars, three twenties. I didn’t think anyone was using it or that they needed it as much as I did. So, I took it.

I stored it on the top shelf of my closet and would take a little down at a time. I used it over the course of several months to buy the things a fourteen-year-old girl wanted. When my mom asked me if I took the money, I told her I hadn’t. I think she ended up blaming my brother.

Do you feel guilty?

One day I was taking some of the money down, when a question came into my mind:

“Do you feel guilty?”

“No.”

“But do you remember learning in primary that stealing is wrong?”

“Yeah, but they said I would feel guilty, and I don’t. I feel perfectly fine.”

I distinctly remember analyzing the lack of guilt that I felt. At the time, I saw the conversation as my own thoughts. But now that I know how the Lord talks to me, I can look back at these memories and identify his presence more accurately. This was definitely one of those moments when he was working with me.

The more I changed, the more it bothered me

This situation was not resolved when I was 14. I did not do the right thing right away. I was focused on my own needs and had little empathy for my sister’s. But over the next few years when I went back to church, I grew up and grew closer to the Lord. The incident was always in the back of my mind. I never forgot it. The more I changed, the more it bothered me that I had done it. 

In a young women’s class, in a Sunday school class, or in a sacrament talk, I heard about making restitution for the things that we did wrong in order to truly repent. Some things were outside of our control, and we couldn’t physically do anything to make amends. But other things we could. I heard this lesson a number of times between the ages of 14 and 19. And when I did, I reflected on the stolen money. The guilt increased over these years. I never felt toxically ashamed; the feeling was more like motivation to make it right. I was one way at 14. I was another at 15 and another at 16 and 17 and 18 and 19.

The motivation converted into action

By age 19, the motivation converted into action. When I came home for the summer from my first year of college, I got my first full-time job. One day after work, I stopped by the teller and withdrew sixty dollars. That evening, I asked my mom and sister to come into my room. Emelia was now around the same age I had been when I took her money.

“I need to tell you guys something. Remember when someone took the sixty dollars that Emelia got for her birthday?”

They nodded.

“It was me. I’m sorry.” I didn’t cry. I felt solemn and excited at the same time. I handed Emelia the three twenty dollar bills (I didn’t know about interest rates at this age).

My mom hooted and said, “I wondered what had happened to that money.” She was happy and maybe even a little surprised that I was making restitution of my own free will.

Emelia had a big smile on her face. At eight years old, she may not have completely understood what she had lost. Now, it was clear that she understood the value of it. Sixty bucks was a lot of money for a 13 year old girl.

Could I forgive my past self? 

In telling this story, my hope is not to highlight my goodness. It’s actually pretty difficult for me to tell it because my values are so different than they were at fourteen. I am not that girl anymore. Her ways are no longer my ways. Her thoughts are no longer my thoughts. I see her as I would another person. And the Savior has taught me to have compassion on her.

That said, my main purpose is to illuminate the atonement of Jesus Christ in action. He wanted to know how much I understood about what I was doing. Maybe he questioned me to make sure. And maybe the questions were more for an older women when she looked back on the younger. Could I forgive my past self if I remembered that she didn’t completely understand the “why” behind the laws?

They that are without the law

A number of years ago, I learned more about Him and the way his Mercy works:

“For behold that all little children are alive in Christ, and also all they that are without the law. For the power of redemption cometh on all them that have no law; wherefore, he that is not condemned, or he that is under no condemnation, cannot repent.” ~Moroni 8:22

Under the Savior’s laws of Mercy, He gave me time to grow up, learn more, and to repent. He held back the full consequences of Justice for me. At no time did he smother me with guilt. But this wasn’t a free pass to just keep on stealing what I wanted. Over the next several years, he worked on me, trained me step by step, and I listened. 

I don’t think that it was ever about the money for him. I think it has always been about me learning the best and most sustainable way to obtain my desires and resolve my conflicts.

The laws of Justice & Mercy

At fourteen, I obviously knew that I shouldn’t take the money. I knew the law. According to Justice, I was guilty. But because of Mercy, I was given time for the law to become written in my heart. I was given time to decide who I wanted to be and to whom I would swear allegiance. At fourteen I had very little sense of belonging. I was operating in survival mode - just looking out for myself. I had not yet consciously devoted myself and my life to Christ. But over the course of the next five years, I gradually became aware of my identity. As my mind sharpened and my awareness of my choices increased, I chose who I would be allegiant to. I became a strong advocate for Christ. And that became a powerful reason for my obeying the law.

My story reminds me of Eustace Scrubb’s in The Voyage of the Dawn Treader by C.S. Lewis. This character is a pain in the butt during the first half of the book. He is always looking out for number one, which ends up causing other people trouble. But in the story he is cursed for stealing and changed into a dragon. He is not happy about this consequence and views it as a prison. Aslan is the lion character that symbolizes Jesus Christ. He works with Eustace to tear off the dragon’s skin layer by layer. Eustace changes through this experience. He becomes compassionate, empathetic, and courageous. He is forever after allegiant to Aslan.

Layer by layer. That is a good description of how I changed over the course of time, from fourteen to nineteen years old. And it’s a good description of how I have continued to change through the Savior’s training throughout my entire life. If I were to dwell in Toxic Shame on any of my past layers, it would really deter me from my future growth. 

The only way I have been able to let go of the past and become more than I once was has been to learn to have as much Mercy on my past self as Christ has had on her. As I have increased in this ability, my patience and empathy with my own kids and other people has increased. Because I was given Mercy, I am bound by the laws of Mercy. I am obligated to forgive myself and others who don’t yet know the law and who do not yet have it written in their hearts. I am harshly censured when I don’t.