I Know Where Beauty Lives

In the Spring of 2006, I went to Vail, Colorado for my own personal writer’s conference with the Lord, instead of going to the BYU writer’s conference again. I stayed in a nice hotel and was able to study full-time without interruptions for a few days. I have much gratitude to Sherm for making these retreats possible. 

This post is part 3 of "I Have a Tale to Tell"

Part 1

Part 2

While I was there I continued studying, writing, and conversing with the Lord. When I got stuck and didn’t know what to do, I went to a different place in the room and prayed. As I studied, I could sense Him in my mind, like he was remotely logged in. He was guiding me, answering my questions, and asking me questions. 

Three Major Things Happened

I remember three major things happening on this visit to Vail. The first was our study of the word Justification. 

I was looking at this semantic concept because Dramatica had a giant definition of it that really caused me to think deeply. 

The scriptures also spoke of Justification through the Atonement of Jesus Christ so I wanted to compare and contrast the way Dramatica was defining it with the way the scriptures defined it.

I realized that I also had a preconceived definition associated with the word justify. I predominantly saw its negative meaning: When someone tries to justify herself for her failures and makes up excuses for her poor choices instead of admitting them and seeking to improve. I did not want to be that way so I often swung to the other side of the pendulum to evaluate and confess my responsibility in every failure.

But then I asked the Lord what he did with his Justification. He showed me that he justified people by first looking at the reasons for their failures objectively and empathetically. Rarely was a single person completely responsible for their failures. It was important to investigate the other causes that were involved. When those causes are identified the resolution process becomes apparent. And it was his job to be involved in that resolution process, which then brought a person closer to him.

He showed me the justification of margins in my mind. In this first image, you can see the margins on the left are Imbalanced. They are not even. That was like some of the ways I used to deal with my relationship problems.

 

In this second image, the margins have been justified. I knew in an instant what it is now taking me a few paragraphs to explain. So, part of his Justification process is to retrain us. He was doing this with me. He was showing me the facts and then letting me decide what I would do with them. I chose to apply them to my life, which incrementally balanced me out. It gave me better relationship skills. It taught me how to evaluate my failures in a more productive way. It taught me how I wasn't defined by my failures. They were separate from me, or at least they could be separated from me so that I could increase my balance.

I Know Where Beauty Lives

I know where beauty lives. Understanding the semantics behind Justification helped me know who he is and where he stands. As I understood this about him, I physically felt a tight knot inside me release. This was the way that he saw me and everyone else. He resided and presided here. He taught me to evaluate myself and others from this perspective. He showed me that he gives me, my kids, my husband, my family members, and my community members time to make mistakes, experience consequences, learn from them, and grow. He understands we all need time to get it right. In his mercy, he allows for this space and time. 

He consistently repeated this training process over the next several years of my life using other semantic concepts. Through this process, he was slowly but surely freeing me from a bondage I had not fully understood that I was in. And oh my God! (literally) He was so beautiful! Seeing him like this was the delight of my entire existence!

The Second Crucial Thing

The second crucial thing I remember working out with him during this time in Vail was about my kids. And let me tell you the backstory first. I sometimes thought about the possibility of one of my kids dying in an accident or by disease. I would walk through that possibility, envision it, and cry my eyes out. I did not want them to die. I had heard of many stories of other children dying – getting stuck in the trunk of a car, getting trapped under a garage door, drowning, cancer, etc. These stories always broke my heart. I wanted to protect my kids. I didn’t want them to get hurt. I didn’t want them to suffer. It was intensely painful. 

So, in Vail, the Lord asked me to give up the fate of my children to him. He wasn’t saying he was going to take them. It was that he knew that was the one thing I was holding back from him. I held on to it with all my might in total fear. He wanted me to let go of the fear and trust him with the lives of my children, whether they lived long or short lives, whether they had to deal with sorrow or joy. He was trying to tell me that they would be okay – he would make sure of that, regardless of physical life or death.

This conversation came up because I was asking to come closer to Him. I had told him that I didn’t want to hold anything back. I wanted to give him all of me. So, I went through one of my first leaps of faith. I mustered my courage to let go and trust him. I made this commitment. It took me time to actually stop the fearful thought processes and to develop my faith. It still is a little scary for me, but each time it comes to my mind, I just turn to him and give it to him.

The Third Crucial Thing

The third major change that I made during this stay in Vail was the direction of my writing. I had started studying and training with him to achieve the goal of writing a fiction story that would eventually be published.

I came to a point where I said, “I’m making very little progress towards finishing my story. I’m spending so much time on writing about the structure of story that there is no time left to actually write my story.” 

The last morning in Vail, I was in the shower and he had logged in remotely again. I was thinking about the above conundrum when he answered me. His words were very clear, “Which would you rather do – write your story or keep learning about the structure of story? Writing your story will be a shorter and easier journey. So, you can put down your studies and do that. Or you can take the much longer and harder journey (I pictured a mountain path) and continue focusing on writing about the structure of story. There was no force or guilting me into doing one or the other. He merely was presenting the choice to me and was asking me to decide.

There was no question in my mind. I wanted the longer, harder journey. This place that he was taking me was so amazingly beautiful. I had to keep going. Once I made the choice, I sensed that’s what he wanted too. 

So, I made the commitment to put my fiction story aside and focus on writing about what he was showing me.

To be continued...HERE

I Learned My Lesson Well

When I swore I would never write again, I experienced intense depression. It felt like something had died in me. For the next week, my heart mourned as I went about my regular mom routine - taking care of the kids, cleaning the house, and shopping. 

This post is part 2 of: "I Have a Tale to Tell"

I remember going to JoAnn Fabrics and seeing in the store window the successfully completed projects of talented seamstresses and artists. I had this surreal moment of thought. In hindsight, I recognize that this was another of those interactions with His Spirit. All of these artists had developed their talents so that they could create these works of art. Why couldn't I develop mine? Why couldn't I have something to offer too? 

I felt a deep sadness. But I also saw a sliver of light and truth. My desire to write a moving story was similar to an artist's desire to paint a masterpiece or a seamstress's desire to sew a beautiful garment. Why was I receiving a message that I didn't belong here or that I was trying to do something that was reserved for an elite few? If I was willing to put in the work, could I not also develop the ability to succeed?

After a week or two of walking around in a dark haze, I finally asked my husband for a priesthood blessing. In it, I was instructed not to give up and that this dream of mine was of God. I shouldn’t pay attention to the criticisms of man. Scriptures about Nephi building a ship while his brothers doubted and mocked him were referenced (1 Nephi 17).

"And when my brethren saw that I was about to build a ship, they began to murmur against me, saying: Our brother is a fool, for he thinketh that he can build a ship; yea, and he also thinketh that he can cross these great waters." -1 Nephi 17:17

I was also directed to go to God for training and instruction in my writing process like Nephi did when he was building something he had never before built.

This priesthood blessing rekindled my hope. Knowing that God believed in me and wanted me to write was powerful and sustaining. 

The Structure of Story

Over the next few weeks, I prayed intently and frequently for direction. It came to my mind that I needed to learn the structure of story. I realized that I had been getting too expanded in my writing. I wasn’t paying enough attention to the summarized plot - the framework of my story. It was like trying to decorate a house without first making sure the foundation and framework were in place. 

Another way to explain this is that there are outline writers and there are discovery writers. I was a discovery writer. But the Lord showed me that I would be more successful if I found the balance between those two methods.

After learning this, I remembered a booklet on story theory that Tracy Hickman, our workshop host for science fiction and fantasy writers, gave me at the 2004 BYU writer’s conference. I took it out and reread it carefully. It spoke about the Hero’s Journey.

A hero who is called to an adventure to obtain a goal, leaves home, experiences all kinds of adversity and temptations, fails and suffers intensely, is then atoned for (saved, brought back to life), is transformed through this process, obtains the goal, becomes part of the atonement for others, and returns home victorious.

Dramatica, A Theory of Story

Tracy Hickman's booklet also included some details from a story theory called Dramatica by Melanie Anne Phillips and Chris Huntley. As I read about this theory, I became very interested in it. I purchased the Dramatica book and the software. I spent the next year studying with these mentors and attempting to write my story using their guidance. But as I did this, I found myself trying to get a bird's eye perspective of what they were proposing. They were presenting so many different concepts that I often felt bewildered. Something inside me was driven to organize it all. I asked questions like: How did they come up with this? How do they know that these are the relationships between words? What are the relationships between words? 

So, I chose to slow down and pick apart each idea that they presented. 

The Dramatica theory is based on words and the semantics behind them. So, in slowing down, I wrote down each of the words and definitions from their "Dramatica Vocabulary" list that they provided in their reference section. On one level they divided words by synonyms and antonyms. On another, they divided them by other variables like character traits, character roles, plot dynamics. They visually arranged the words by these semantic relationships into a quadrant diagram - a Chess Set. 

As I wrote the definitions down, a correction, a translation, a connection, or an additional facet would come into my mind. So I wrote those down as well. After doing this for a while, I noticed that the definitions suggested that there was a balance between any two antonyms. But they did not make a space in their model for the words that represented that semantic balance. 

They used four quadrants or four Chess Sets to organize the words. Each Chess Set was divided into four more quadrants nested inside of it. The authors explained that there were symbiotic and conflicting relationships between each of the words within a single quadrant. It was much more complicated than this but I'm trying to simplify it to show how I was attempting to make sense of it.

The study of semantics and the attempt to create a visual model of the patterns of the meaning behind language completely fascinated me. I tested out their theory by translating their general definitions into specific definitions that I used to describe the characters, plot, and setting of my story. I spent months analyzing the relationships of the concepts in each quadrant. And then I evaluated how one quadrant of meaning compared with another. Dramatica did not instruct me to study like this. I was being guided by the Lord to do it. He was using this model as a tool or a medium to train me in his own way.

For example, the problem in the overall story I was working on was that people had a Fixed Attitude. So, I focused on that quadrant. In my Word document, I styled "Fixed Attitude" with Heading-1:

Fixed Attitude

Then, I wrote down the names of each of the nested quadrants and styled them with Heading-2:

• Contemplations

• Impulsive Responses

• Memories

• Innermost Desires

I looked at these one at a time:

Contemplations

After that, I added each of the nested quadrants within the Contemplations quadrant and styled these with Heading-3:

• Appraisals
• Doubt
• Investigate
• Re-appraisal

Under each of the Heading-3 words, I wrote the semantic meaning for all of these words combined. They included all three levels of words:

Fixed Attitude

Contemplations

Appraisals 

I put these three-layered concepts together to visualize the Fixed Attitude of the dystopian society that my main character was raised in. So, the first question that formed in my mind was: How does the society my character grew up in contemplate (evaluate) the value (appraisal) of a person or thing? This was my answer:

They judge each other by initial appraisals. What you look like on the surface determines your worth and my worth compared to yours. Your clothes, cleanliness, hairstyle, and look on your face. If I come up better than you, then I experience good feelings because it proves I am good and worthy of love. This is the first impression.

Remote Login Education

The Lord remotely logged in like this throughout these writing sessions. He coached me in my mind, directing my thoughts, introducing ideas coupled with the definitions I was studying. I wanted to know what he thought of each concept, especially when there was a question about what was right and wrong. That seemed to be my inherent orientation.

As we differentiated between each of the concepts, we analyzed the marriage, family, and community relationships of the characters in my story. A lot of questions about the society and family I grew up in came up. During my childhood, there were many concepts that I had unconsciously absorbed. We investigated and sifted through them so that I could see what was true and false, right and wrong. 

Every morning I got up excited for a new day. I couldn’t wait to study. There was nothing I wanted more than to be with him in this place. There was so much light and love and excitement. 

I studied before the kids got up and then after they went to school. While many moms took the opportunity to get a job or go back to college when their kids were all in school, I used it to study with the Lord. Lots of people have their thing. This was mine. 

There is much to tell about my role as a mother and a wife. These responsibilities have always been so intensely important to me. That is coming. But I can’t explain that part until I explain this part.

There had been a vague cloud over many values that I had previously and unconsciously formed opinions about. Some were not serving me well in my relationships with God and with others. When we looked directly at them together, the clouds broke up and His values became very clear. My mind gradually sharpened. Doing this every day for several years educated, enlightened, lifted, and completely changed me.

The Compass of Semantics

While I was studying Dramatica from late 2005 to early 2006, I was also prompted to study the scriptures more intently. I wrote each chapter in my own words. We looked for the concepts that we had studied in Dramatica in the histories of the societies that were described in the scriptures.

We summarized and semantically organized words and concepts such as:

Pride, Envy, Doubt, Faith, Hope, Desire, Humility, Gratitude, Confidence, Strength, Weakness, Light, Darkness, Right, Wrong, Sin, Righteousness, Peace, Joy, Energy, etc.

I noticed that people used lots of different words to represent the same semantic concept. I also learned that there were some concepts that the English language didn't have an accurate descriptive word for. Because of this, there were some things that were very difficult for me to initially see and explain. These were usually intertwined so tightly with negative meanings that it was hard to differentiate between the good and the bad. The Lord helped me surgically separate them. This process improved my relationships with my family and community because I learned to understand people better, to look past their words and behaviors, and see what they were really trying to communicate.

I recognized and sorted hundreds of synonyms and antonyms. I saw that there were semantic antonyms that were more than just black and white. There were multifaceted ways to divide a single concept. I cataloged them in my notebook and in my mind. Summarizing them was always a challenge for me. Sometimes I would summarize words that needed to remain separate. Other times I would keep words separate when they really represented the same concept.

I also looked up hundreds of words in the dictionary and wrote down their definitions, always searching for central patterns. I examined words that I had heard all my life as if it were the first time seeing them. I questioned everything. There were so many values and concepts that had been in my peripheral vision before. During this time, I turned to look at them directly and focus on what they semantically meant and what they meant to me personally. This process completely opened my mind to understand things in a way that I had never even fathomed before.

I am a visual learner so the Lord would often teach me by bringing visual metaphors to my mind. He used things I recognized like the relationship between the earth, sun, and moon. He also used physics, magnets, physical fitness and nutrition, cooking, gardening, weeding, and planting trees. I filled my notebooks with diagrams and sketches of the things he showed me. I could not get enough of Him. I kept asking for more. But to receive more, I had to live by what he was teaching me. I was always falling short, but I kept trying and struggling to master it anyway.

Throughout this continuous study of Dramatica, the scriptures, and the dictionary, and listening to the Lord’s guidance, I started to see visions of a model that was different from the Dramatica quadrant model. It was a summarized structure of all the truth. I saw a compass.

This song describes the way I felt throughout this time: Can't Take It In by Imogen Heap (Narnia Soundtrack) 

To be continued...HERE

I Have a Tale to Tell

I have a tale to tell. But it has to start from the end instead of the beginning in order to be merciful to everyone involved. I'll divide it into parts or separate posts. This is part one.

Listen: Live to Tell by Madonna (clean)

I wanted to be a writer

In 2006, God began to train me more intensely than in the previous years of my life. I asked for it. I wanted to know more. My reasons for desiring this changed over time, but at first the reason was to be able to write an amazing story. I wanted to be a historical fiction writer. The first story I chose to tell was the birth of Jesus Christ. So in 2000, I wrote “The Stone of Light, ” a story in which three kids from the present traveled back in time to when Joseph and Mary were just learning about their roles in His life. The kids experienced their own adventure and conversion story as they traveled with Mary and Joseph from Nazareth to Bethlehem. It was like the Magic Tree House by Mary Pope Osbourne meets Quantum Leap (late 80s, early 90s television series). It was somewhat of a spin-off of the Tennis Shoes Among the Nephites series by Chris Heimerdinger as well as the Kingdom and the Crown series by Gerald Lund. It took me more than a year to research the setting with all of its geographical, geological, cultural, political, and economic details. 

The rejection of a mentor was painful

When I finished writing it in 2001, I sent it to Deseret Book, and they rejected it. Then I sent it to Covenant Book, and they also rejected it. The reason this hurt me so badly was because I saw Deseret Book as part of my church community. And I had been predominantly raised by that community as mentioned in some of my previous posts. My sense of belonging to a family and community was here. They rejected my offering without much of a reason. I didn't know what to do to improve it. This was difficult because I wanted to "play on the team" and I thought this was the only doorway in.

Additionally, I had a large library of books published by Deseret and Covenant that I had been reading for many years. These books changed my life for the better. I loved them. I read them to my kids. My kids loved them. We were a family that read together. We went on reading adventures together, laughed, cried, and learned. And that brought us closer together. It solved many of the problems we had been having. These stories played a huge role in raising me and my kids at the same time.

I owe so much to the publishers and to the authors of those books. As I said, in many ways they played a mentor role for me. Because of that, I wanted to become like them. I wanted to be a writer. That was my passion, my dream, and my mission. And this is why their rejections hurt so badly.

Back to the drawing board

So, after the rejections, I went back to the drawing board. I read more books on writing, attended writer’s conferences, started a writing group, and hired a writing coach. I learned a lot, but for whatever reason, it wasn’t enough to actually accomplish my goal.

At the BYU Writers for Young Readers conferences (2003, 2004, 2005), I experienced a type of rejection as well. Successful writers spoke to us in workshops about how successful they were. Some of these were the authors of the books that changed my life. I deeply admired them, but I also envied their success in my present failure. 

In our group workshops I learned some good things, but in hindsight what I really needed was someone who believed in me, who saw my talent, and who could help me develop it. Instead, there was a lot of focus on criticizing what we were not doing right. Too much criticism and not enough support, hope, specific training, and reinforcement. After the 2005 writer’s conference, I returned home swearing I would never write again.

To be continued...HERE.

I Know This Much Is True

When I was sixteen (1985-86), I started running for the first time. Before this, I had run on soccer and softball teams and for P.E. But this time I was running on my own around the school track at Herman Junior High in South San Jose, California. 

Who inspired me?

I got the idea for running from this couple at church, who had recently started running and subsequently lost weight. They looked great. I was looking for truth – the truth about how to get in shape. I had tried a lot of other ways that didn’t work. My goal was to improve my fitness and shed excess fat. So, I thought I would test this running idea out. If they could do it, so could I.

How I incrementally progressed

I started with running one mile three times a week and did that for a month. Then I increased it to two miles the next month, then three. I was determined not to give up.

For the first two and a half months, things were going great. I usually ran in the late afternoons after school when it was cooler out and listened to music on my Sony Sports Walkman. I enjoyed the time alone.

A sharp pain in my shins

But when I got up to running three miles, I started feeling a sharp pain in my shins every time I went out to run. It just got worse over time. I tried to stretch before running but that didn’t stop the pain. I was stressed out because I really wanted to continue with this goal, but the pain eventually became too intense. 

Troubleshooting the problem

I needed more truth, so I called that couple from church and explained what was happening. The husband essentially said that I was too heavy and therefore could not continue running (I include a picture of me at sixteen here to show the actual). No troubleshooting. No looking into the facts before offering me this conclusion. Just suggesting that if running wasn’t working, then I should quit doing it. Was that the truth?

I worried that it was, and it really upset me. I was hypersensitive about my weight and had been for many years. I think this is typical for teenage girls, but it was especially intense for me because my brother had teased me about my body weight regularly in my younger years. Nevertheless, I would not give up on searching for the truth about fitness. There had to be a way.

“The glory of God is intelligence, or, in other words, light and truth.” 

– D&C 93:36

Before talking to that couple in my ward, I had felt so good about my level of commitment to my running goal. I believed I had finally found a true fitness solution for me. The track was close. I could run any time I wanted. It didn’t cost me anything. I didn’t have to depend on anyone to take me there (I didn’t have a car yet). I enjoyed it. These were important variables that contributed to my true success.

A second opinion

Next, I went to the doctor for a second opinion. The doctor told me that I had shin splints. That was the truth. But then his resolution process was for me to look into a lower impact sport like swimming. No troubleshooting the running goal. No looking into the facts. Just suggesting that if running wasn’t working, then I should quit doing it. Was that even true?

Swimming? There were no swimming pools near me. How the heck was I going to get there three times a week? I knew that wasn’t going to work for me. After I left the doctor’s office, I cried. I had to stop running, and that was the end of that.

I later became a fitness instructor

About ten years later, I became a fitness instructor. I had to read a few textbooks about things like anatomy, metabolism, exercise physiology, impact and reaction forces, cardiorespiratory endurance, kinesiology, and sports injuries. I had already been doing aerobics for a few years and had learned how to increase muscular strength, cardiorespiratory endurance, and flexibility. 

After 15 years of teaching fitness classes, reading more about fitness, and learning through personal experience, I now know the truth about what causes shin splints and how to troubleshoot the problem. I do not know why that couple from my church didn’t know it, let alone the doctor, but these are the questions I would have asked this teenage girl with this type of injury:

Number 1 

What kind of shoes are you wearing?

Answer: I was wearing a pair of pink Keds with no cushioning, stability, or impact protection.  

Number 2

What are you doing to warm up before you run?

Answer: A few stretches, but I didn’t start those until after my shins started hurting.

Number 3

What conditioning exercises are you doing to strengthen the muscles in your legs?

Answer: I was not doing any.

I know this much is true

I am not a distance runner now, but I have been running consistently for around 5 years. I have got up to eight miles but usually stay around three to five. Before I run, I warm up with squats, lunges, and hip strengthening exercises. I wear running shoes – Hokas, which have excellent cushioning, stability, and impact protection. When they start wearing down, I can feel it in my feet, knees, shins, or calves so I know it’s time to get another pair. When I injure my legs, back, or hips, I either have to stop running for a time so I can heal or wear compression socks and run slower for shorter distances.

“And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” 

– John 8:32

So, I know this much is true. I have learned that learning the truth about things empowers me. Troubleshooting before giving up on something entirely is an intelligent choice. And people who are able to give me correct information and guide me to identifying true solutions are my greatest assets. 

“Whatever principle of intelligence we attain unto in this life, it will rise with us in the resurrection. And if a person gains more knowledge and intelligence in this life through his diligence and obedience than another, he will have so much the advantage in the world to come.” 

– D&C 130:18-19

Stopped at the Gates

In 2014, when I was traveling through Israel with my tour group, we visited several sites sacred to Israelis. Our tour guide told us that we should dress appropriately. At least knee-length pants or dresses and longer shirt sleeves. In short, if we wanted to get in, we couldn’t wear tank tops or shorts. 

However, when we went to the Wailing Wall at Temple Mount in Jerusalem, probably the most sacred place for the Israeli people, some members of our group who had forgotten the dress code wore short shorts and tank tops. They were stopped at the gates. The guards wouldn’t let them in. 

But they really wanted to go in. They had been looking forward to seeing the Wailing Wall for the entire trip. They had previously written a prayer on a piece of paper that they wanted to put in one of the crevices of the wall. They were so relieved when someone told them that there were vendors outside the gates selling coverings. After purchasing the coverings and putting them on, they approached the gates again, and the guards let them in. 

Communicate Respect or Disrespect

I have thought about this experience often. Through it and other similar experiences in foreign countries I’ve learned that I communicate respect or disrespect through the way I dress, the way I speak, and the way I act. This concept becomes extremely clear when I visit other countries and especially their sacred places. If I want in, it is an act of humility, respect, and love to make the effort to speak their language and follow their rules.

Kicking Bad Habits – Spiritual Gates

Now scroll back to 1984-85, when I was 15 years old and had recently gone back to church (see Change Like A Sunrise). I was learning more about God and his way of doing things and came to a sort of spiritual gate. I wanted to enter in, but I was stopped and directed to change something about myself first. Here’s how that happened:

I had picked up the habit of swearing during my junior high days. So, even after I went back to church at fourteen, I was still swearing until the beginning of my sophomore year of high school. 

There was one day when I was hanging out with a few of my friends around the cement planter at Santa Teresa High School where we always hung out. I swore and then suddenly sensed that I should not do that anymore. It wasn’t a harsh voice speaking to me. It was more like a suggestion – one that hadn’t occurred to me before that moment. I had approached a point of increased self-awareness and realization. 

It was like the guards at the Wailing Wall that told my friends that they couldn’t come in until they were dressed appropriately. I had come to a gate in my spiritual progression. I needed to increase my respect past this point. I could have chosen not to go in just like my friends in Israel could have chosen that. I could have stayed on that side of the gate and continued along the same pathway. But like them, I really wanted to enter in. 

I chose to change my language. From that time forward, I dropped the habit completely.

The Gates of Heaven

Throughout my life, I have continued to approach other gates. I’m not fully aware of them until I get there and realize the choice. The choice is usually about sacrificing my old ways of doing things for better ways.

I love these gates because they are evidence that the Lord is actively training me. Each gate represents an incremental level and invitation to draw closer to him. My motivation to change is driven by His intense Spirit. It’s a total privilege. At each gate, he unlocks chains that have kept me at a level of sorrow I had no idea I could overcome. It’s the best feeling I’ve ever experienced.

Change Like A Sunrise

It was a Sunday, and the year was 1983. The place was San Jose, California. I wasn’t at church like I hadn’t been for the past year. I was fourteen years old and hanging out at home in my red and white striped shorts and a t-shirt. There was a knock at the door, and I answered it. Two women from my church had come to see me. They introduced themselves as Sister Braun and Sister Schuck, my young women leaders, and asked if they could come in. 

I agreed and showed them into the living room. What followed was a conversation that has echoed through my mind and heart for 37 years. It’s not that it was amazingly powerful or touching at the time. In fact, it was pretty awkward for me. They told me they loved me with tears in their eyes. They invited me to come back to church for 6 weeks. Even though I wasn’t a fan of such mushiness and was anxious for the whole visit to be over, I agreed to go back. 

So, I went back. I don’t remember when the six weeks ended. I lost track of time. There were good friends, boys, love, guidance, leadership, inclusion, and opportunities at church. I needed this community. My ward became my family. My bishop, his counselors, and young men leaders were like father figures to me. My young women leaders were mother figures. And they loved me.

They taught me that I was a daughter of God and that he loved me. They told us all that we had been saved for these last days to perform a special mission for Him. We were youth of a noble birthright. Something stirred inside me. It began to grow.

“Now we will compare the word unto a seed. Now, if ye give place, that a seed may be planted in your heart, behold, if it be a true seed, or a good seed, if ye do not cast it out by your unbelief, that ye will resist the Spirit of the Lord, behold, it will begin to swell within your breasts...” -Alma 32:28

The Promise

Within a year, around my fifteenth birthday, I went to one of the regular interviews that the members of the bishopric have with the youth. This particular interview was with Brother Williams, one of the bishopric counselors. He told me that there is a promise in the scriptures that if I consistently read them, the Lord would prosper me. He took a few minutes to define what prosperity meant – flourishing financially. That appealed to me. During these years, I was very interested in figuring out a way to meet my needs.

In telling me about this, Brother Williams introduced me to a covenant relationship with the Lord himself. He told me about a promise that I didn’t know about before. Up until that time, I tried to obtain some of the things I wanted in ways that were imbalanced and definitely weren’t sustainable. But after hearing about this promise, I latched onto it. I believed it and was excited to test it out.

Change Like a Sunrise

After the interview, I started reading the scriptures consistently. I rarely missed a day. I experienced light. That’s the best way to describe it. It was like the sun rising so gradually, I barely even noticed it and the changes that were occurring inside of me. But in hindsight, I can see the movement, the progress. Over time scripture reading became a habit. Little by little, I learned a better way of living – a better way of obtaining my desires and resolving my conflicts. Many imbalanced thoughts, words, and actions were balanced within a year. But other more difficult relationship issues would take me more time to figure out, realize, and correct. Oh, and financially, I've always had enough and to spare. 

See my post: My Financial Advisor and I Was On a 500-mile Bike Trip for some examples of how that happened.

I Was Part of a Miracle

When I was sixteen, I was at a youth fireside at our bishop’s home – Bishop & Sister Hunter. They were spotlighting our leaders. The leaders had a bunch of questions to answer beforehand. When they did Sister Schuck’s spotlight, they told us things about her like her favorite color, where she was born and grew up, etc. I can’t remember the details, but I do remember one of the questions: What is one of your most spiritual experiences? They read the answer – Reactivating Gretchen Nahinu. I was astonished. I had forgotten who I was before and hadn't realized the full story.

Later she told me that she had received such a strong impression to go to my house and invite me back to church. And then she had watched me grow and change over the years. I was a part of her miracle and I hadn’t been fully aware of it. The realization caused me to reflect on the changes that had occurred in me and her role in my conversion. I also became more aware of the Lord's role in my life. He had come for me. The atonement of Jesus Christ is real.

I owe so much to Sister Braun, Sister Schuck, and Brother Williams. The feelings of awkwardness that I had when I first met them have turned into feelings of complete gratitude. I am so thankful that they came for me and taught me about my relationship with my Savior. It was through these and many other good people in my life, scripture study, prayer, and personal revelation that my relationship with Him has been developed. And it has been through this personal training relationship with him that I've been able to rebalance, work through the more difficult issues that I have been assigned to overcome throughout my lifetime, and find Sustainable Joy.

Could I Forgive My Past Self?

When I was growing up, my family didn’t have a lot. We struggled financially. I didn’t have money to buy what I wanted. And there were many little things that I really wanted. One day, I found some money in my mom’s dresser drawer that I knew belonged to my little sister, Emelia. She had received it for her birthday. I guess my mom was keeping it because Emelia was only eight years old. It was sixty dollars, three twenties. I didn’t think anyone was using it or that they needed it as much as I did. So, I took it.

I stored it on the top shelf of my closet and would take a little down at a time. I used it over the course of several months to buy the things a fourteen-year-old girl wanted. When my mom asked me if I took the money, I told her I hadn’t. I think she ended up blaming my brother.

Do you feel guilty?

One day I was taking some of the money down, when a question came into my mind:

“Do you feel guilty?”

“No.”

“But do you remember learning in primary that stealing is wrong?”

“Yeah, but they said I would feel guilty, and I don’t. I feel perfectly fine.”

I distinctly remember analyzing the lack of guilt that I felt. At the time, I saw the conversation as my own thoughts. But now that I know how the Lord talks to me, I can look back at these memories and identify his presence more accurately. This was definitely one of those moments when he was working with me.

The more I changed, the more it bothered me

This situation was not resolved when I was 14. I did not do the right thing right away. I was focused on my own needs and had little empathy for my sister’s. But over the next few years when I went back to church, I grew up and grew closer to the Lord. The incident was always in the back of my mind. I never forgot it. The more I changed, the more it bothered me that I had done it. 

In a young women’s class, in a Sunday school class, or in a sacrament talk, I heard about making restitution for the things that we did wrong in order to truly repent. Some things were outside of our control, and we couldn’t physically do anything to make amends. But other things we could. I heard this lesson a number of times between the ages of 14 and 19. And when I did, I reflected on the stolen money. The guilt increased over these years. I never felt toxically ashamed; the feeling was more like motivation to make it right. I was one way at 14. I was another at 15 and another at 16 and 17 and 18 and 19.

The motivation converted into action

By age 19, the motivation converted into action. When I came home for the summer from my first year of college, I got my first full-time job. One day after work, I stopped by the teller and withdrew sixty dollars. That evening, I asked my mom and sister to come into my room. Emelia was now around the same age I had been when I took her money.

“I need to tell you guys something. Remember when someone took the sixty dollars that Emelia got for her birthday?”

They nodded.

“It was me. I’m sorry.” I didn’t cry. I felt solemn and excited at the same time. I handed Emelia the three twenty dollar bills (I didn’t know about interest rates at this age).

My mom hooted and said, “I wondered what had happened to that money.” She was happy and maybe even a little surprised that I was making restitution of my own free will.

Emelia had a big smile on her face. At eight years old, she may not have completely understood what she had lost. Now, it was clear that she understood the value of it. Sixty bucks was a lot of money for a 13 year old girl.

Could I forgive my past self? 

In telling this story, my hope is not to highlight my goodness. It’s actually pretty difficult for me to tell it because my values are so different than they were at fourteen. I am not that girl anymore. Her ways are no longer my ways. Her thoughts are no longer my thoughts. I see her as I would another person. And the Savior has taught me to have compassion on her.

That said, my main purpose is to illuminate the atonement of Jesus Christ in action. He wanted to know how much I understood about what I was doing. Maybe he questioned me to make sure. And maybe the questions were more for an older women when she looked back on the younger. Could I forgive my past self if I remembered that she didn’t completely understand the “why” behind the laws?

They that are without the law

A number of years ago, I learned more about Him and the way his Mercy works:

“For behold that all little children are alive in Christ, and also all they that are without the law. For the power of redemption cometh on all them that have no law; wherefore, he that is not condemned, or he that is under no condemnation, cannot repent.” ~Moroni 8:22

Under the Savior’s laws of Mercy, He gave me time to grow up, learn more, and to repent. He held back the full consequences of Justice for me. At no time did he smother me with guilt. But this wasn’t a free pass to just keep on stealing what I wanted. Over the next several years, he worked on me, trained me step by step, and I listened. 

I don’t think that it was ever about the money for him. I think it has always been about me learning the best and most sustainable way to obtain my desires and resolve my conflicts.

The laws of Justice & Mercy

At fourteen, I obviously knew that I shouldn’t take the money. I knew the law. According to Justice, I was guilty. But because of Mercy, I was given time for the law to become written in my heart. I was given time to decide who I wanted to be and to whom I would swear allegiance. At fourteen I had very little sense of belonging. I was operating in survival mode - just looking out for myself. I had not yet consciously devoted myself and my life to Christ. But over the course of the next five years, I gradually became aware of my identity. As my mind sharpened and my awareness of my choices increased, I chose who I would be allegiant to. I became a strong advocate for Christ. And that became a powerful reason for my obeying the law.

My story reminds me of Eustace Scrubb’s in The Voyage of the Dawn Treader by C.S. Lewis. This character is a pain in the butt during the first half of the book. He is always looking out for number one, which ends up causing other people trouble. But in the story he is cursed for stealing and changed into a dragon. He is not happy about this consequence and views it as a prison. Aslan is the lion character that symbolizes Jesus Christ. He works with Eustace to tear off the dragon’s skin layer by layer. Eustace changes through this experience. He becomes compassionate, empathetic, and courageous. He is forever after allegiant to Aslan.

Layer by layer. That is a good description of how I changed over the course of time, from fourteen to nineteen years old. And it’s a good description of how I have continued to change through the Savior’s training throughout my entire life. If I were to dwell in Toxic Shame on any of my past layers, it would really deter me from my future growth. 

The only way I have been able to let go of the past and become more than I once was has been to learn to have as much Mercy on my past self as Christ has had on her. As I have increased in this ability, my patience and empathy with my own kids and other people has increased. Because I was given Mercy, I am bound by the laws of Mercy. I am obligated to forgive myself and others who don’t yet know the law and who do not yet have it written in their hearts. I am harshly censured when I don’t.