My Teenage Dating Years, My Father, and His Shotgun

We’ve all heard of fathers warning the boys who come around to date their daughters. We know about the proverbial shotgun in the father’s hands when the guy shows up on his porch. It makes us laugh, but the reality is that most fathers love their daughters so much that they want to protect them from the type of young men who have trouble actually having their daughters’ long-game welfare in mind over their own short-term needs.

Here’s an example of one father singing to the boys who will one day date his daughters: Thomas Rhett

I didn’t have a father who warned the boys who came around to date me. At least I thought I didn’t. I never knew my biological father very well and my mom had divorced my step father after a rough five-year marriage. Neither father knew what I was doing when I started kissing boys at age 14. But what I didn’t know was that there was a Heavenly Father with a shotgun standing between me and every single boy that came around. But He was facing me, not the boy. I sensed this shotgun, but I didn’t realize that was what it was.

At church I had heard about the law of chastity and I was fully on board with that. I never had any desire to cross that boundary but I wasn’t sold on the idea that I shouldn’t date or kiss boys until I was 16. And I didn’t understand the motives of some boys. I thought that their attention and kisses meant that they really liked me. So, I did what I wanted without having to report to anyone. Or so I thought. 

My first kiss was just before my freshman year of high school. It was during a game of hide-and-go-seek with some neighborhood friends. His name was Billy. He was my age, and I knew him from junior high. The kiss was brief and somewhat awkward. That night, I couldn’t sleep. The emotions I experienced were extremely intense. I found it interesting that they didn’t occur during the kiss, but only afterwards when I was alone and thinking about it. I was surprised by the depth of emotion swirling around inside of me. It was a mixture of good and bad feelings. I didn’t understand what it all meant. 

Billy wasn’t interested in developing any kind of relationship with me. I never talked to him again. 

A few months later I met another guy at a church dance, who was 17 years old. When he kissed me, it was less awkward. I enjoyed it, but afterwards I freaked. I described the feelings I experienced as gagging. It was a term that I borrowed from a popular song out of Southern California called “Valley Girl.” Gag me with a spoon was a good way to describe the Repulsion I was feeling. It wasn’t a conscious decision. It was a reaction I could not control. And because I couldn’t control it, I had to get away from him when he wanted to continue with the relationship. Again, I had liked to kiss him, but the Repulsion served like shotgun vengeance.

Over the next few months I tried to figure out what this Repulsion thing was all about, not yet understanding how my Father was working with me. I decided that it wasn’t a good idea for me to kiss a boy after I had barely met him. I needed more time to get to know him and develop an attraction to him. 

A few months later when the next boy came around, I took a couple of months to get to know him. He went to church with me. We exchanged the “I’m interested” glances for a while. We danced together at the church dances. His friends told my friends and my friends told his. We exchanged notes at school (archaic form of texting). When he asked me to be his girlfriend, we both were very aware of the mutual attraction. I told him about my past experiences and warned him that he needed to wait to kiss me. But as we talked, he convinced me that we had already known each other for a few months and that was probably good enough. 

It wasn’t. He kissed me and I experienced the Repulsion afterwards. I didn’t want to feel it. I fought against it. I wasn’t aware that I was actually fighting my Father and trying to push past his boundaries. I was trying to work out my emotional problems so I could make the relationship with this boy work. But every day in second period before I would see him, I started to tremble. My teeth actually started to chatter as if I were outside in the freezing cold. 

I couldn’t figure out why I was responding like that. It seemed like fear but I wasn’t mentally afraid of the relationship. The Repulsion was some kind of automated response in me. In fact, even though I experienced these feelings, when I saw my boyfriend during break I would kiss him anyway in attempt to smother the shaking feelings.

But two weeks of this was enough for me to finally conclude that I couldn’t do it anymore. When I heard this boyfriend of mine was kissing another girl, I seized the chance to break up with him. When he apologized and wanted to get back together, I wouldn’t. That was hard because I had already bonded with him physically to a certain degree. It hurt to end the relationship.

These experiences happened within a six month period during my freshman year of high school. After that, I didn’t kiss any more boys until my senior year. That didn’t mean I didn’t want to. But I ended up unconsciously raising the bar to guys that were above my reach. These guys were good, clean, totally attractive, and had higher level values (truly Christian!). 

For many years, I labeled the Gagging-Repulsion-Shotgun feelings as my Psychological Problem. I spoke about it in jest with my friends. But it was real. I figured there was something psychologically wrong with me because of some of the abuse and neglect I grew up with. This is why I saw it as a weakness in me that I had to somehow fix.

Even so, I learned to yield to the feeling. I backed off from a relationship if I started feeling that way. I eventually figured out that if I pulled back enough and didn’t cross the boundaries, I could maintain the relationship. How much I was required to pull back seemed to depend on the guy I was dating. I remember just going on a first date with this one guy and there was no kissing, but I was already feeling the Shotgun Repulsion loud and clear.

I dated a guy my senior year who rarely crossed my boundaries. We became good friends before he kissed me and when he did, it was very sweet, short, infrequent, and respectful. No Repulsion. But there was one time, I did feel it. I backed off a little and the Repulsion decreased.

There was a guy in college who I explained my Shotgun Psychological Problem to before he kissed me. He risked it for the sake of NCMO and I wanted the NCMO in order to spite the guy I really wanted who didn't want me. The Repulsion was powerful and there was nothing but regret on my part. I should have known by then that my Father would never allow NCMOs for any reason for me. The guy tried to force the relationship anyway, deciding afterwards that it wasn’t so much of a NCMO for him. But it was too late. The Repulsion only grew more intense and sickening. I had to stop seeing him. 

It wasn’t until after I was married and had started developing a closer relationship with my Father and recognizing how he communicated with me that I realized what had been going on. It wasn’t a Psychological Problem. It was the Atonement of Jesus Christ at work in my life. Because I didn’t have a father protecting me, He stepped in and played that role for me. And He did it by influencing me internally. I was given the choice to override the Repulsion, but I chose to yield to it.

At the time, I didn’t like my Father standing there at the door with his proverbial shotgun so much. Most teenage daughters don’t like their fathers interfering with their love life. But most daughters, when they grow up, change their minds. I absolutely love Him for being there for me. To be chastised by Him has helped me realize that he values me and cares about my long-game welfare.

I Love Life Hacks!

I recently discovered a new dinner recipe that I make in my Instant Pot. It tastes so good and is healthy. It leaves me satisfied and doesn’t create an imbalance in my body. I’m pretty sensitive to my blood/sugar balance, so I like to eat in a way that doesn’t throw me off.

I took the recipe from a cookbook but then changed some of the ingredients. The first two times I made it, it was good, but I thought it could be better if I tweaked it a little more. The third time it was perfect. I was so happy with the results that I instinctively started searching in my mind for who I could share it with. The recipe made a lot so I had plenty to share. 

I texted Melody and Craig (my sister and brother in law) who I knew were really busy with the new school year. They could probably use it. I told them about the delicious meal and asked if I could share it with them. Of course they did. They swung by on their way home that evening. I told them about the ingredients I put in it - a few came from my own garden. Before trying it, Craig took a picture of the recipe. It sounded like a good way to use up some of the their garden tomatoes. When they tried it, they loved it too.

So, here’s the thing. When I find a recipe that is really good, I want to share it. I cannot help it. It’s something that just happens inside my heart. When I find life recipes or life hacks that are really good, I want to share those too. I know that’s what so many bloggers and YouTubers are doing. I love finding their recipes or life hacks when I’m searching for that specific solution. I love how so many people are making videos of the recipe preparation.

It brings me joy to share recipes and life hacks with other people. It also brings me joy to learn other people’s.

For a long time I felt shy about sharing. I definitely didn’t want it to be about calling attention to myself. I also didn’t want to come across as a know-it-all. But, I’ve had to come to terms with this insecurity. I share because I love. I love what I’m sharing and I love when it helps other people. I think I’ve been able to become more confident in my own sharing by actually experiencing how much I sincerely appreciate others who share with me what I need.

What I share and what others share solves problems. It lightens burdens. It brings greater joy to our lives. I spend a good percentage of my workday learning from people who have shared how to code things like a responsive menu, CSS Grid or Flexbox, or site migrations. I love them for their help. When I get a little further along in my coding skills, I will share the tips and tricks I have learned. 

Here's the recipe! Cajun Goulash

I add more garden veggies, puree fresh tomatoes (instead of leaving them chunky), decrease the cajun spice to 4 tsp. (it's hot!), increase the liquid and noodles (whole box), use the whole can of coconut milk, and used 1 lb. ground beef and 1 lb. ground turkey. Also, it tends to cause the BURN warning to show up on my Instant Pot screen so when that happens I switch it to WARM for about 20 minutes, which basically makes it more like a crock pot. This recipe is soo good!

I Was on a 500-mile Bike Trip to Disneyland and Had Lost my Money

When I was 16 years old, I went on a 10-day bike trip from San Jose, CA to Disneyland in Southern California with a group of young men, young women, and adult leaders from our church. For a total of 500 miles, we journeyed in increments of 25-70+ miles a day on our bicycles (not motorcycles). I still think this was pretty incredible of an adventure to have gone on.

When we camped near Hearst Castle in San Simeon, I spent a little money at the store there. That’s the last time I remember having it. When I went to look for it later, I couldn’t find it anywhere. 

I was stressed. At this time in my life I didn’t have a lot of money. Neither did my mom. She had given me a little spending money for the trip and I had spent it carefully knowing that was all I had.

That night at the camp ground in San Simeon, I zipped myself into my sleeping bag and prayed for help to find the money. The next day, we had a very long and hot ride to San Luis Obispo. I still hadn’t found it. 

We stayed there for Sunday and went to church in town. On Monday, we rode to El Capitan State Beach. Before I went to bed that night, I asked again. Everyday we got closer to Disneyland. The money was all I had to spend when we got there, so I was seriously bummed that I might never find it. Still I held out some hope in my prayers.

The next morning, during that time between sleeping and waking, I had a dream. I saw a pair of my shorts and me putting the money in the pocket. 

When I woke up, I fished around in my duffle bag for the shorts. When I found them, I checked the pocket. I felt a small wad of bills and breathed a sigh of relief. Relief. Rejoicing relief. And gratitude. I was so grateful for the recovery of my money, but there was also something else. A kind of magical feeling. A tingling inside me. I knew that God was aware of me and that I was connecting with him.

Fasting for Joy

I wrote this back in 2000 for the Friend magazine. I don't think they ever published it. I revised it a little to share it here. It's a true story from my life about fasting and praying for something I really wanted when I was 11 years old: I wanted my kitten to live.

“No Mom!”  I pleaded, “Joy’s gonna get better!”  I fought back the tears. 

“Gretchen, she needs to see a veterinarian to get better, and that costs money. Unless it’s under twenty dollars, we can’t afford to pay for it.”

I knew this was true.  Since my parents’ divorce, I had seen my mom come home every evening exhausted from work.  The bills were pilling up on the kitchen table and my mom often had a worried look on her face.

“What if I can find a veterinarian that only costs twenty dollars?”  I asked, hopefully.

“Well,” my mom said, “I suppose that would be all right.  But honey, I doubt there is a clinic that would take care of her for so little.”

Despite my mom’s caution, the gears in my mind began to work, formulating a plan to save my kitten.  I felt my mom’s eyes on me.

“Gretchen, you need to understand that animals don’t always get better. Sometimes there isn’t anything even a veterinarian can do. The vet may have to put her to sleep. That’s often the most humane thing to do for an animal who is suffering.”

I pursed my lips and wrinkled my brow. My heart hurt for my cat. I remembered Pumpkin, the tiny kitten that had died in my hands the summer before. It had been the worst thing in the world for me and I had cried for days. I shook my head. “No!  I’ll find a way.  There has to be a way to save her.”

A few weeks before, I had found my 3-month-old kitten, Joy, under the house.  Her hind legs were paralyzed. No one knew what had happened. With the use of only her front legs, she could barely drag herself around the house. I had kept her in my room, cleaned up after her, fed her, cared for her. Sacrificing for my cat like this created a deep sense of compassion and love for her that I hadn’t yet had for other people thus far in my eleven years of life. I was fully invested in her recovery. I had done everything I could to help her get better and she wasn’t improving. When my mom told me she might have to be put to sleep, I was desperate for help.

That night, I prayed to Heavenly Father, Please help me find a veterinarian clinic that will fix my cat.

I curled up next to the small, warm, fury bundle in my bed, thinking about how badly I wanted Heavenly Father’s help.  Joy’s soft purring motor relaxed me and I snuggled her closer. I remembered learning at church that fasting for something that you’re praying for shows Heavenly Father how sincere you are about it and calls down special help from Heaven. I decided that tomorrow I would fast for Joy to be healed.

The next day I woke up with Joy curled up by my legs and immediately remembered what I had decided to do. Recalling that I was supposed to begin my fast with a prayer, I knelt on my bed and told Heavenly Father that I was going to fast for Joy to be healed and that I needed his help to find a veterinarian that would fix her and wouldn’t charge us that much money.

After getting ready and feeding Joy and the rest of the cats, I walked to school. In the cool morning air, I felt happy and excited that somehow Joy was going to get better. 

But by lunchtime, I was feeling hungry. In the cafeteria, everyone else was eating pizza, sandwiches, apples, and potato chips. I fought against the desire to eat and remembered my kitten. I told myself that it was only for today. I could do that.

I walked home after school with my friend, Lisa. I told her what I was doing and invited her to come help me call veterinarian clinics to find one that might help me. 

Sitting down at the kitchen table with the phone book, we called a number of clinics listed in our area. All of them were too expensive. One clinic suggested we call the Humane Society but when we did, they couldn’t help either. 

I hung up the phone. I had it in my hand as I was searching in the directory for the next clinic to call. I heard a voice coming from the receiver and held it up to my ear and said, “Hello?”

“The Cat Hospital, can I help you?” a voice said.  

There was a moment of confusion. I hadn’t dialed the number. How did I get connected to the Cat Hospital?  I told her my story: “Um…yeah, I have a kitten and her back legs are paralyzed. We don’t know what happened to her. We found her under the house like that. She goes to the bathroom all over the place and she can only drag around on her front paws. My mom says we can only afford twenty dollars to fix her. Can you take care of her for that much?”  

The woman on the other end of the line said, “I see.”  There was a pause. “Yes, we can take care of her.”

Shocked, I asked, “You can?  You can fix her for only twenty dollars?” 

“Yes, we can," she reassured me. "Can you bring her in today?”

“Today?  Yeah!  I mean, I’ll ask my mom. Thank you! Thank you so much!” 

After getting the address and phone number, I hung up. I jumped up and down with Lisa in total happiness. Then, I ran upstairs to my bedroom where Joy was sleeping. I picked her up and squished her gently to me. It worked, I thought. It really worked. Joy was going to get better. 

Somewhere in this story it dawned upon me that God was communicating with me. He was hearing me, was satisfied with my fast, and was answering my prayer.

We brought Joy to the Cat Hospital.  The veterinarian discovered a blood clot in her spinal column. It was a condition called Thromboembolism or Saddle Thrombus. 

Receiving daily treatments of medicine, Joy stayed at the clinic for more than two months and still the final charge was only twenty dollars. 

I still remember the day when we brought her home. She could walk again! She always had a slight skip but other than that she grew normally. She had no other health problems and later, as an adult cat, she even had her own litter of kittens. 

I Was Having Nightmares and They Scared Me

When I was a little girl, maybe five or six years old, I often had nightmares. They scared me. They were about bad people intending to hurt me or other people. A reoccurring dream was that there was a bad man climbing through my bedroom window. When I woke up in the middle of the night after having one of these dreams, I lay awake listening for a creeping in the house, too afraid to get out of bed and go to my parents for comfort. Because of this, I had a difficult time getting to sleep each night.

This problem continued throughout my childhood until one night, my mom taught me how to pray. She said I could ask Heavenly Father to help stop the bad dreams. Before this, I had participated in family prayers, prayers at meal time, and prayers at church, but I hadn’t learned to pray to Him personally. 

So that night, I said a very simple prayer and asked, Please don’t let me have any bad dreams. I lay back down on my pillow and felt safe. Safe.

The bad dreams decreased. They went from being very frequent to occasional. If I ever woke up in the middle of the night, I would whisper to Him, asking Him to protect me and help me to sleep. My fear would decrease and I would fall back to sleep. The problem never escalated into anything serious.

I remember this so well because from that night on, throughout my childhood, teen, and even young adult years, I said the same prayer. I added more to it as I encountered more things that were outside of my control. There were things that I wanted and conflicts that I couldn’t solve. When I prayed for them, He would help. Being young in experience and endurance, I didn’t always recognize when He answered or that He had actually answered. The way He answered was often so gradual that I wasn’t aware enough to notice. 

When I got older, I started to pay more attention to this asking/answering relationship. The more I recognized the patterns in our communication, the stronger my faith grew.

Differentiating Between The Thoughts In My Head

Perfectionism: Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

I remember feeling similar to the girl in the video behind the above link. It was during a time that I was actively striving to live my life better. Previous to this time period, I often looked in the mirror, listened, and agreed with a voice in my head that said, “You are so fat and ugly.” Consequently, I didn’t feel very good about myself. 

During this same time I was in the habit of reacting to people when there were conflicts in our relationships. But through the grace of God (literally) and his personal training, I was making improvements. 

However, one day, I had a bad day. Regression. I was on my bed thinking about what an awful person I was. I thought that even though I was trying to improve, I would never be the person I wanted to be. My continuous mistakes and my imperfect past made it impossible. Because I hadn’t grown up making all of the right choices from the beginning, I would never truly be valuable. 

My thoughts said to me, “Who are you kidding? You will never be who you want to be.” 

But at the same time another voice in my head was evaluating these thoughts. This part said that the first voice was not only attacking me but also Jesus Christ. To assert that I could not change myself for the good, was an indirect attack on the Atonement of Jesus Christ. This voice was basically saying that Jesus Christ was not powerful enough to enable me to change and become everything that I desired to become.

I responded something like this, “What the heck! You are right!”

Then I turned to the first voice and said, “You can attack me all day and I might believe it’s true. But when you attack Jesus Christ and tell me he doesn’t have the power to make something beautiful out of me then you give yourself away. I know who you are and you are completely wrong. Leave!”

That was a life changing experience for me. I remember thinking that I would never hang out with someone who was putting me down all the time. I would choose to separate myself from someone who degraded me, instead of constructively helped me achieve my goals. So why would I choose to entertain such mean thoughts about myself? 

Knowing I have the responsibility to choose which thoughts to accept and which ones to reject has been powerful for me. Stopping them early before they suck me into a black hole I can’t easily get out of has been a very important skill to learn. Fighting for my Savior first gives me the strength to fight for myself. 

This has made all the difference in how I feel about my personal worth. Actively choosing to listen to, entertain, and believe appreciative thoughts about myself and receiving respectful constructive training as well as empathetic kind words makes me a happy person. When I am a happy person I have an easy time appreciating, respecting, and being kind and empathetic to others.

Consider the Source

Recently, I have learned about three adults who conspired together to kill four people. Two were their spouses and two were their children. In wondering how any person, especially a mother, could commit such an act of horror, I read some articles on the case and watched an interview of the mother’s friend who was not in on the murders, but who witnessed the backstory.

I found out that they believed they were doing it in the name of Jesus Christ. They murdered innocent children in his name. They murdered their spouses in his name. They said they received their instructions via personal revelation. That means they believed they were receiving their instructions from God.

They said that they had been told that they were key players in preparing the world for the Second Coming of Jesus Christ. And they apparently believed that role included a Hitler-like elimination of people who were not worthy to continue living. They had concocted a twisted backstory, which they said was revealed to them from spiritual sources, which justified their heinous deeds as merciful and necessary sacrifices.

“Some of you may die, but that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.” ~Lord Farquad quote from the movie Shrek

So when people do horrifying things like this in the name of Jesus Christ, claiming they are receiving their guidance from God, it causes fear and prejudice against religion in general and against the practice of receiving personal revelation from God. 

There have been many groups throughout history who have exterminated an individual or group of people and claimed that they were doing it in God’s name. One example is the early Catholic Church’s inquisitions. The inquisitors put innocent people through an unjust trial and then burned  them at the stake in the name of Christ. Ironically, the people they killed were the real people standing for Christ such as Joan of Arc, William Tyndale, and John Huss (Jan Hus). 

Hitler and his NSDAP Nazi party is another example. They attempted to cleanse their country of subhumans similar to the ideology of the Daybell/Vallow people in the news story I have been reading about. The “Nazi regime was responsible for the genocide of about 6 million Jews and millions of other victims whom [Hitler] and his followers deemed Untermenschen (subhumans) or socially undesirable” (Wikipedia). The Nazis may not have murdered people in the name of God, but it was in the name of what they believed was good and true. They asserted their actions improved their community relationships.

Additionally, in the times of John Wycliffe (early 1300s), John Huss (late 1300s) and Martin Luther (1500s), the Catholic popes sent out armies to force people to adopt their “Christian” religion. If they would not, they killed them.

I think this is one of the most disturbing and alarming behaviors I have ever contemplated. To commit crime, sin, and murder in the name of Jesus Christ is the most monstrous thing I can think of. It's important to me as a follower of Jesus Christ that non-Christians know that there are people and spirits masquerading as Christians but are not really Christians at all.

I think the Daybell/Vallow people really thought they were being guided by God. And I think they did reach for the spiritual world. And I think that some people have a greater awareness of that spiritual world than others. They have a gift. But that doesn’t mean they are necessarily good at discerning the good from the evil spirits that are in that world. Many of these people with this gift struggle with boundaries. Because they have such a high degree of tolerance, empathy, and compassion for others, they want to accept all things as good, right, and true.

Considering the source is about using light and knowledge to discern between good and evil. 

In the physical world, without light, there would be no sight. This same principle is true in the spiritual world.

I found the following quote about light from a website called the Physics Classroom.

“[In the absence of sunlight during the night, and in the absences of] a porch light or a street light, the neighbor's house can no longer be seen; the grass is no longer green, but rather black; the leaves on the trees are dark; and were it not for the headlights of the car, it would not be seen approaching the intersection. Without luminous objects generating light that propagates through space to illuminate non-luminous objects, those non-luminous objects cannot be seen. Without light, there would be no sight.”

Physical light allows us to differentiate one object from another. I’m attempting to use spiritual light to differentiate one way of doing things from another. By more closely evaluating the two very different spiritual sources who are trying to influence us, we can defeat the fear that the Daybell/Vallow people introduced. Setting them side by side to examine the motives, the actual type of counsel received, and the consequences, is shining light upon them to see how they are different from Christians truly receiving guidance from God.

“But, O my people, beware lest there shall arise contentions among you, and ye list to obey the evil spirit” (Mosiah 2:32).

I think it is crucial that we understand that there are two sides to the spirit world and both are trying to influence us. And the evil side is usually trying to masquerade as the good side. Our responsibility is to differentiate between them, discover the masquerade, and choose which ideas we believe are good, right, and true.

So the reason this whole thing shook me is that the Daybell/Vallow people are treading on my personal beliefs in Jesus Christ, in God, in the kingdom of heaven, in angels, and in personal revelation from God. I believe in miracles. I believe in personal revelation. I believe in guidance from heaven. I believe in angels. I believe in God.

These people had the same belief, and claimed that they were connected up to the same God I listen to. The result was they murdered innocent people.

I don’t know about you, but this scared me and has caused me to feel awful and confused. This motivated me to shine the bright light upon the evidence and consider the sources. What these people said and did threatens to undermine something that is foundational to my religious beliefs. So I have to differentiate between what is good and what is evil here. Here’s what the light reveals:

When Jesus asked his disciples who men thought he was, his disciples answered that some people thought he was John the Baptist, Elijah, or Jeremiah reincarnated. Others thought he was a prophet in general. 

Then Jesus asked them, “But whom say ye that I am?” 

Simon Peter answered, “Thou art the Christ, the Son of the living God.”

Then Jesus told Simon Peter that he came to this truth through personal revelation, which had been revealed to him by his “Father which is in heaven.”

Jesus then said that he builds his church upon this rock – personal revelation – “and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it.”

(Matthew 16:13-18)

Frederick Farrar discusses these verses in his biography of Christ: “It was the revealed fact, that they only can acknowledge [who and what Christ is] who are led thereto by the Spirit of God. It told mankind for ever that not by earthly criticisms, but only by heavenly grace, can the full knowledge of that truth be obtained.”

(The Life of Christ by Frederick Farrar, p372)

These two sources make it clear that personal revelation is powerful evidence that enables us to discern between truth and error and should not be discounted.

The following verse from the Book of Mormon reaffirms that being open to personal revelation is a safe and secure way of determining what is true.

“For behold, again I say unto you that if ye will enter in by the way, and receive the Holy Ghost, it will show unto you all things what ye should do.” ~2 Nephi 32:5

The next verse adds that we should also study the word of God in combination with listening to the Holy Ghost. 

“Angels speak by the power of the Holy Ghost; wherefore, they speak the words of Christ. Wherefore, I said unto you, feast upon the words of Christ; for behold, the words of Christ will tell you all things what ye should do.” ~2 Nephi 32:3

Much of my own personal revelation has come to me in the form of the scriptures I know and have studied throughout the years. Verses are brought to the front of my mind when I pray for answers.

After learning about the Daybell/Vallow case, fear might drive us to believe that yielding to ALL spiritual direction is dangerous. That is evaluating the situation in the dark, without light. Differentiating between the kind of spirit they chose to listen to and the kind of spirit I choose to listen to is using light to differentiate between good and evil.

The scriptures indicate that there are two separate parties of influencers in the spiritual world. Here’s one example that contrasts them:

“And when they shall say unto you: Seek unto them that have familiar spirits, and unto wizards that peep and mutter—should not a people seek unto their God for the living to hear from the dead?” ~2 Nephi 18:19 (a nearly identical verse is found in Isaiah 8:19).

Thoughts and ideas are continuously presented to our minds from external physical and spiritual sources. Some are good and others are evil. There is a gradient of spiritual sources between these two extremes. We have been given the choice to differentiate between the good and the evil. We don’t want to believe everything we hear from other people and neither do we want to believe everything that is presented to our minds from spiritual sources just because we acknowledge it is a spiritual source. We have to be on our guard to filter through these things. We have brains. We can use them. And we have hearts, which we can also use.

And let’s keep it real. Why search for crazy weird things? Why not seek out the answers to our relationship conflicts? Why not seek for ways to obtain Sustainable Joy, which is God’s (not Satan’s) desire for us? 

I have used the gift of personal revelation to figure out how I could become a better wife, mother, daughter, sister, and member of my community. How could I better respond to the inevitable conflicts that arise in relationships? How could I control my knee-jerk reactions? How could I work with my kids to help them overcome their imbalanced behaviors and ways of doing things? The answers I received always included faith in Jesus Christ. This is faith that even though things may not be perfect now, if I choose to keep my own behavior in balance, and endure conflicts without responding with selfishness, and seek to empathize instead of hate, the end result will be good even if I have to wade through temporary times of sorrow and less than ideal circumstances.

Out of all of the thoughts and ideas that enter our mind, we decide which ones we will entertain and which ones we will NOT.  Just because they enter our mind does not mean they are thoughts that belong to us.  The ones we DECIDE to accept as true become our thoughts. If we’re unsure that a thought is good, we can study it out, do some research, and pay attention to our heart. 

Our heart verifies what is good, true, beautiful, meaningful, right, and of God. Our heart will also warn us when something is bad, evil, selfish, ugly, meaningless, wrong, and of the devil. This verification effect occurs while we engage in the research process. Sometimes we have to test ideas out, put them into action, in order to accurately assess their truth. When we continue to pay attention to our hearts, we will know if what we are thinking, saying, or doing is good or evil.

“For behold, my brethren, it is given unto you to judge, that ye may know good from evil; and the way to judge is as plain, that ye may know with a perfect knowledge, as the daylight is from the dark night.” ~Moroni 7:15

“Two indicators that a feeling or prompting comes from God are that it produces peace in your heart and a quiet, warm feeling” ~Elder Richard G. Scott

Daybell and Vallow chose to listen to spiritual voices that taught them to elevate themselves in pride and see other people as subhumans or zombies whom they prayed would be eliminated (die) or whom they personally eliminated (killed). 

Others of us have chosen to listen to voices in combination with the scriptures that have taught us empathy, humility, confidence, and gratitude –ways of thinking that teach us conflict resolution, mercy, and promote compatibility in our relationships.

My experience with the voices in my head have been accompanied by peace in my heart and a quiet, warm feeling. This is often very intense. I can’t make myself feel this way. When I start thinking, speaking, or behaving with pride, selfishness, or hatred, I can’t keep this feeling inside me. It leaves. So I can differentiate the daylight from the darkness.

The following counsel is in section 8 in the Doctrine and Covenants:

“Yea, behold, I will tell you in your mind and in your heart, by the Holy Ghost, which shall come upon you and which shall dwell in your heart. Now, behold, this is the spirit of revelation; behold, this is the spirit by which Moses brought the children of Israel through the Red Sea on dry ground. Therefore this is thy gift; apply unto it, and blessed art thou, for it shall deliver you out of the hands of your enemies, when, if it were not so, they would slay you and bring your soul to destruction.”

And in a previous section, it says:

“Blessed art thou for what thou hast done; for thou hast inquired of me, and behold, as often as thou hast inquired thou hast received instructions of my Spirit. If it had not been so, thou wouldst not have come to the place where thou art at this time. Behold thou knowest that thou hast inquired of me and I did enlighten thy mind; and now I tell thee these things that thou mayest know that thou hast been enlightened by the Spirit of truth.” ~D&C 6:14-15

These scriptures ground my faith in personal revelation. Even though the Daybell/Vallow people misused this gift, it doesn’t mean relying upon personal revelation is dangerous and wrong. We are required to shine the light and consider the source.

Because I have studied the scriptures and searched for general truth for so many years and have experienced the confirmation of the Holy Ghost in regards to those general truths, I am able to discern the feelings that come into my heart when I receive more specific revelation for my personal life.

I strive to be wide awake when it comes to differentiating between truth and error. But one of the ways I’ve been tempted is by flattering and prideful thoughts and ideas. I’ve had to learn that these taste different from the true peace and joy that comes from the Holy Ghost, the Savior, and the Father. The pride feels good in the moment. It seems to be on my side, but with experience and practice I have come to understand that it is no friend of mine. Still, I have to be always on my guard to identify these pride thoughts because they are often very sneaky.

This is where I believe the Daybell/Vallow people initially got tripped up. They believed that they were key players in preparing the way for the Second Coming of the Lord. That thought in itself is not wrong. We are all generally encouraged to be key players – to do what we can to prepare ourselves, our families, and our communities for the Second Coming of the Lord. We want him to come. We want to be ready when he does. This is a good thing.

But the Daybell/Vallow people seemed to twist that role and see it as a prideful-top-of-the-pyramid role. They saw themselves as smarter, more righteous, intelligent, and knowledgeable than others. They looked down upon the Untermenschen (subhumans) around them.

I just want to point out that having knowledge, resources, abilities, and talents doesn’t profit us or anyone unless we use them for good.

“Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal."

Though the Daybell/Vallow people may have indeed obtained some valuable knowledge about the second coming, if they didn’t use it to develop their charity…

“And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing."

And though they may have had the gift of the awareness of spirits and understood some of the mysteries of God, if they didn’t seek to cultivate charity in their hearts…

it profited them absolutely nothing.

(1 Corinthians 13:1-8)

In other words, if we’re trying to obtain knowledge, even if it is scriptural knowledge, for the sake of being better than other people, becoming popular, thinking ourselves above other people, and not for the purpose of applying it to help others, to improve our relationships with God, our spouse, our family and our community, to love people with this Charity (as defined in 1st Corinthians 13), then it profits us absolutely nothing.

IF the Daybell/Vallow people were receiving their guidance from heaven and applying the truths of the scriptures to their personal improvement and to the development of compatible relationships, they would have had charity, charity for their fellowmen and especially charity for their children.

After shining the light on this conflict, I understand the difference between their source and mine. My faith in God has increased and I feel balanced again.