Time, Why You Punish Me?

Like a wave crashing into the shore 
You wash away my dreams. 
Time, why you walk away? 
Like a friend with somewhere to go 
You left me crying
~Hootie & the Blowfish

Most of us don’t have a problem with time when things are going well.  If we are in a place with those we love and who love us and we're physically healthy, we’re good with letting time take as long as it wants.  In fact we want times like these to go on forever.

The issue with time is when it is requiring us to sacrifice--to go without something we need or want.  It is when we’re separated from those we love or are subject to being with people we don’t get along with.  It’s when things aren’t going our way.

So the question is, “Time, why you punish me?”

We all know the answer.  

"Elder Orson F. Whitney wrote: ‘All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, … purifies our hearts … and makes us more tender and charitable, … and it is through … toil and tribulation, that we gain the education … which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven.’  These purifying trials bring us to Christ, who can heal us and make us useful in the work of salvation.” ~Neill F. Marriott, “What Shall We Do?” 

"We are all acquainted with other kinds of mortal opposition not caused by our personal sins, including illness, disability, and death. President Thomas S. Monson explained: Some of you may at times have cried out in your suffering, wondering why our Heavenly Father would allow you to go through whatever trials you are facing. …Our mortal life, however, was never meant to be easy or consistently pleasant. Our Heavenly Father…knows that we learn and grow and become refined through hard challenges, heartbreaking sorrows, and difficult choices. Each one of us experiences dark days when our loved ones pass away, painful times when our health is lost, feelings of being forsaken when those we love seem to have abandoned us. These and other trials present us with the real test of our ability to endure.” ~Elder Dallin H. Oaks, “Opposition in All Things”

"In teaching the principle that mortal life can be agonizing but our hardships have eternal purpose—even if we do not understand it at the time—Elder Holland said, ‘You can have what you want, or you can have something better.’” ~Elder Donald L. Hallstrom, “I Am a Child of God”

"There are heartbreaks when circumstances are very different from what we had anticipated.” ~Elder Donald L. Hallstrom, “I Am a Child of God”

In order to learn, grow, and become absolutely beautiful we must endure adversity for a time.  But the question of every intelligent being is, “How long?”  Because we understand the above principle, we can and will endure adversity.  We have no choice if we want what we want, except to give up what we want.  

This learning and growing process is symbolized in the 2015 Cinderella movie when her fairy-god-mother turns her older dress that belonged to her mom into the new bright blue one. But we have to do more than just turn in circles while our “fairy-god-mother” does all the work. That’s a little too heavy on grace and not enough works. Yet the bright blue dress symbolizes what Cinderella was already doing throughout her life despite the adversity—“Have courage and be kind.”  I mean who would Cinderella be without all the trials she was required to endure?  What kind of princess and queen would she become if she had not learned to have courage and be kind when it seemed like all was lost?  How would she have learned what true kindness was if she wasn’t tempted to give up these values when she was treated with unkindness or when she was experiencing pain?

But how long do we have to endure the unkindness, the separation from loved ones, the hard times, the pain and sorrow, the longing, the needing?  We know we can’t say when that time will end.  We can’t say, “I will only endure this adversity until next Spring and then I’m done.”  For some reason that doesn’t work in our relationship with God.  He doesn’t like it.  I bet it’s because it sounds like we’re demanding that he bless us and when he should bless us, as if he were our servant.  I think it crosses over to an attitude of entitlement, which really isn’t synonymous with having courage and being kind.

No, I think we have to give it all to our Heavenly Father. We say, “Thy will be done.” We can’t assume time “ain’t no friend of mine.” We can’t assume it’s just “wasted time.” How could having courage and being kind become a sustainable characteristic inside of us if we were the ones to decide when enough is enough?  Is it something we’re just pretending to do or something we do when we’re sure of the reward?  We have to be willing to do it in faith throughout incrementally tougher conditions that seem to suggest God has forsaken us.  Conditions that suggest that we will never obtain those loving relationships or a healthy body that make us want time to go on forever.  It’s not so much about what we’re going to receive, even though we surely will receive it.

“But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.” ~1 Corinthians 2:9

It’s more about who we will become. Who do we want to become? What kind of person?  And is there anything in the world—any kind of adversity or temptation that will convince us to change that goal?  I mean, when the heat of adversity and temptation gets hot, will we turn into a selfish weasel that manipulates others or sneaks around behind closed doors inappropriately to get what we want?  Will we stop having courage and being kind?  Will we make our kindness dependent on the kindness of others?  Will we say, “I’ll be kind only if they are?”

“But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you...For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same? And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so?” ~Matthew 5:44-48

But even though I know all this, I still want to know: “Time, how long will you punish me?”  The answer I hear is:  As long as you hold on to this Desire of yours.  Are you willing to endure through time to obtain it?  Or will the waiting period be too much so that you are happier with a lesser Desire that won’t take as much time and thus adversity?  

For those of us who have already tried that lesser pathway, all we can basically say to our Savior is: “Nothing compares 2 U” and “To whom shall we go?  Thou hast the words of eternal life” (John 6:68).  “After tasting of your fruit, every other Desire can’t seem to hold a candle. So I'm in for life...for eternity.”

"Understandably, many have expressed that our Father’s promised blessings are just 'way too far away,' particularly when our lives are overflowing with challenges. But Amulek taught that 'this life is the time … to prepare to meet God.' It is not the time to receive all of our blessings. President Packer explained, ‘And they all lived happily ever after’ is never written into the second act. That line belongs in the third act, when the mysteries are solved and everything is put right.'  However, a vision of our Father’s incredible promised blessings must be the central focus before our eyes every day—as well as an awareness 'of the multitude of his tender mercies' that we experience on a daily basis.” ~Linda S. Reeves, “Worthy of Our Promised Blessings”

I just think that second and third acts are about TIME.  I don’t think I have to wait until I die for that third act to be the story of my life.  That seems a little too heavy with grace.  Just wait till I die and everything gets better.  I know that's true for some unchangeable aspects of my physical health and other physical things, but I think I am continually going through spiritual first, second, and third acts incrementally, progressively. Mysteries are incrementally solved.  Things are gradually being put right in my understanding as I keep striving, experiencing, and listening for guidance.  I’m a firm believer that eternity is now as well as after we die and before we came to live here by the very definition of the word.

In response to my "How long?" question, I hear the Lord saying to me as he did to Peter, “If you love me, feed my sheep” (John 21:15-17) or as he said to all the people, “If you love me keep my commandments” (John 14:15).  Now paraphrasing:  “If you love me, love others. This is keeping my commandment. Love them even if they don’t love you first.  Love them as if they were me.  Have courage and be kind to everyone.  Let that be your focus instead of focusing on when adversity will all come to an end.  And I promise you, between me and them you will have the relationships that make you want time to go on forever.”



That's definitely more directed towards us women so here's the same kind of symbolic transition of a man.



“Master, which is the great commandment in the law? Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.” ~Matthew 22:36-40

“Then said I: Lord, how long? And he said: Until the cities be wasted without inhabitant, and the houses without man, and the land be utterly desolate;” ~2 Nephi 16:11

A Three Hour Tour

"Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip...[The] passengers set sail that day, 
For a three hour tour, a THREE HOUR TOUR!"

This last August I went to our family reunion in Aptos, California. That’s a little town just below Santa Cruz and Capitola and north of Monterey where, back in the day, my grandparents bought a beach cabin. Being raised in San Jose, CA, my siblings and I grew up going to the beach cabin pretty frequently. This was our second official family reunion since we’ve all grown up and had families of our own.

This time we decided that one of the activities would be a whale watching boat ride in Monterey Bay. I can’t remember whose idea it was originally but I am responsible for organizing the whole thing. Guilty as charged. So when I talked to the skipper on the phone, she told me that people often get sea sick and so we may want to come prepared with the appropriate anti-seasickness meds. I informed everyone of this possibility and also purchased the meds myself (pharmacist recommended), which turned out to be plenty for everyone who wanted to take them.

When the day for the boat ride came, we all drove down to Monterey, parked, and walked along Fisherman's Wharf to get to the dock where all the boats were. Such a cool pier lined with restaurants that serve hot clam chowder and fresh baked bread as well as a bunch of other tourist shops. So far this was looking like a great idea!

We paid for our 3 hour tour and then boarded the boat. All of us taking the meds, took them then. After much instructions, which included how and where to throw up, we were off. The first 30 minutes were fine. We were all out on the deck looking at the seals on the rocks and the shoreline getting further and further away. I was on the front deck with a lot of others from our group. We started getting splashed a little too much when the wind picked up. The waves became more choppy, which caused the boat to rock and roll a little too intensely. Everyone standing in the bow of the boat was instructed to go inside the cabin to reduce this effect. So we did. But most of us weren’t sitting there for longer than 2 minutes before we couldn’t handle it anymore. Nausea hit. We all headed out to the back deck, holding on to whatever we could because the boat was still rocking so much.

I stayed on the back deck for the rest of the ride. About 50% of our group got sick. Matthew and Laura (my son and daughter) threw up over the side of the boat. Matthew repeatedly. Chris (my other son) was fine. I was sick but I didn’t throw up, probably because of the meds. I think the meds were actually making me feel worse. I was cold too. We had stopped by Walmart on our way to Monterey and bought a few heavy sweatshirts because they said it would get pretty cold out on the water. I was standing in one spot on the deck near the side of the boat in a hooded sweatshirt, with the hood up. I was shaking pretty bad and trying to deal with the constant upchucking feeling. There was nothing I could do to make this trial go away. A few others were suffering but I couldn’t help them anymore than they could help me. There were two more hours left on the boat. I had no one to blame. I’m the one who planned the whole thing. I was in fact responsible but the cause was inexperience. I didn’t know how bad it would be. I didn’t even know if any of us would get sick. I was fine on Lake Powell boats but apparently not fine on this boat.

What was going on on the inside.

I had no desire or inclination to blame it on anyone. Yet I couldn’t just exist in that terrible state without starting on some kind of conflict resolution process. My brother Will and all his kids were fine. He was walking all around the boat, changing places often. He suggested I try this as a resolution process. But moving just made it worse for me. So I just stood there shivering. But internally, spiritually I was actively reaching up to God in prayer. I told him I could do nothing to make my situation any better. I had two hours to endure and I was unable to do that on my own.  I asked him to help me. I just focused my mind on him and stayed with him. I could feel him with me, comforting me. Tears were streaming down my face, not because of the pain, but because it was so apparent I wasn’t bearing this burden alone. I didn’t want anyone else to feel sorry for me so I tried to keep my face relatively hidden. I knew that the only sympathy that would make any real difference for me would be the Lord’s. Chris came over and put his arms around me for a bit. That was soooo sweet of him. I don’t know if it’s just me or if everyone is like this, but I needed my main line of support to come from inside me—from that place where I always feel the Lord’s presence. So even as my body was racked with so much turmoil, it was like I was somehow separated from it to a certain extent, standing outside of it, removed from it. Wave after wave of nausea was matched with wave after wave of this unbelievable love. A microcosm of peace and comfort in a macrocosm of stress and panic.

What was going on on the outside.

It makes me love my Savior incredibly intensely when he saves me like that. I don’t often get myself into situations where there is nothing I can do to save myself but pray and reach for His atoning sacrifice in faith. At least I don’t often look at my conflicts like that. It was pretty much all grace and very little works. I usually am more than willing to do whatever I can when there are conflicts to be resolved. Perhaps I’m even imbalanced to that side—trying to do too much, putting all my efforts into figuring out how to actually get off the boat and out of the tough situation when faith in Christ while I have to endure the situation for a time is the answer.

We did see whales and other sea creatures. They were neat-o. But feeling like I did, I really didn’t care about any neat-o things. “Oh another whale. Nice. Okay, how long do we have left?”  

When we finally got back to the dock, we all started feeling better immediately. We disembarked and headed for the car, but lo and behold, all the restaurants were giving taster cups of their clam chowder. So we bought a bread bowl of it and all my kids and I shared it as we explored the pier. Now that was neat-o! So warm after shivering for so long. We will never forget this adventure. I will never do it again.

So there are other conflicts that have arisen in my life that are similar to this. I find myself in situations over which I have no control. Maybe I’m the one who got myself into them in the first place. That’s usually the case. But most of the time I have had no idea it was going to turn into such a rocking and rolling upchucking experience. When I compare my experience on the 3 Hour Tour Whale Watching Boat Ride with these other experiences, I am able to more accurately identify how to resolve conflicts like these.

First, I need to identify the source of comfort that is most powerful to me. This should be someone I trust and with whom I have developed a very close relationship. This is a person who knows me well and loves me so that He’s able to evaluate when I am not myself during a conflict. He knows I’m not always in a bad mood. He knows I don’t always respond to situations like I’m responding to this one. This is the person I go to unload all of my personal struggles, irritations, frustrations, and feelings of insecurity. I don’t take this relationship for granted by just using it as a place to dump. It’s usually a relationship of love, appreciation, admiration, attraction, respect, and Joy. So when I go through times when I have to wrinkle my nose, complain, and express how upset I am, He is well aware that the trial I’m going through must be very intense.

Second, if I do talk to others about the problem, I need to keep the communication objective. I talk to them in order to objectively resolve the conflict. But unfortunately, I don’t always keep it objective. On the boat, I knew there was no one else to whom I could go “to hear my soul’s complaint.” That was very plain. But when I have other life-conflicts, sometimes I try unloading on other people. Because I need their objective help to resolve the conflict, they are usually eager to help me deal with all of the emotional baggage I’m carrying as well. But the issue is, it ends up feeling like I’m violating someone else’s privacy when I do that. Often times it’s not a rocking and rolling boat that is making me feel like I want to puke. It’s a rocking and rolling relationship with another person.

So in order for my objective helpers to comfort me, I have to basically describe the cause of my conflict to them, which is the other person’s behavior and how it’s making me feel, how it’s making me react when I don’t want to react that way. I end up feeling like I have to justify why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling. It becomes a subjective analysis rather than an objective analysis. A blame game. A game of who is right and who is wrong. That just intensifies the conflict for me. I need someone who knows exactly what is going on behind the scenes because it is behind the scenes that I predominantly live. It is tempting to seek for comfort and support from others but just like on the boat, while I sincerely appreciate their support, it is never enough for me. I have to go to that one person I trust the most. He is the person I rely on above all others. Over an extended period of time I have developed a relationship with him that I have come to depend upon implicitly. I want to hear his opinions. I want his presence. I don’t want to do anything in my relationships with other people to make my relationship with Him rock and roll so that he would rather be anywhere else than with me. I don’t want him to be counting the minutes left before this whole Boat Ride Relationship with me will be over.

Oh, it’s so hard for me to give “just the facts!”

“O wretched [wo]man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities. I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me. And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.” ~2 Nephi 4:17-19

The cool thing about trials is if I can just shut up and take it, let others evaluate me in Pride and Envy despite my sincere intentions to do good to them without turning and reviling again in Pride and Envy, and go to my Savior alone for my comfort and support, I will be able to feel his love in that intense amazing way that I did on the boat.  And that love is more intense than what I experience when everything is hunky-dory.

"And now my beloved brethren, I would exhort you to have patience, and that ye bear with all manner of afflictions; that ye do not revile against those who do cast you out because of your exceeding poverty [or because of your reaction to whatever weaknesses and sins which do so easily beset you], lest ye become sinners like unto them; But that ye have patience, and bear with those afflictions, with a firm hope that ye shall one day rest from all your afflictions." ~Alma 34:40-41

Before & After

Before
Several years ago I was called to be a cub scout leader.  I don’t remember the exact title of the position but it required me to work with another sister to prepare weekly activities for boys that were around 8-years-old and be at the church one night a week to implement and supervise those activities.  I think one of my boys was in the cub scout group—probably Chris.  Aaron would have been in an older cub scouts group so I had two other young children that I brought with me to the church each week.  They ran around, relatively unsupervised, while I worked with the scouts.

In the previous blog post (It's My Party) I spoke of a time in my life when I found myself in the Belly of the Whale more often than not.  This event happened during that particularly vulnerable time period. 

One afternoon, the sister whom I worked with called.  She told me that she didn’t think I was a good fit for this calling because my kids ran around the halls during the cub scout meeting.  I actually didn’t know they were causing any problems until this phone call.  But she proceeded to tell me that this may not be a very good place for me to serve. 

My Spiritual Reflexes:  I cried.  I told her how badly she made me feel by saying that.  I told her how I was already feeling like a useless wretch and this just confirmed all that.  This was one of the smaller callings in our church and she basically said I couldn’t even do that much.  My crying wasn’t sweet tears that I was trying to conceal.  I actually sobbed.  And my words were defensive and miserable.  She was surprised at my reaction and also defensive herself.  She may have apologized too.  Poor woman.  But the damage had been done.  I was in the Belly of the Whale.

Of course this whole thing was “broadcast” to a number of other people who all called the bishop who then called me and told me 5 people had called him who were concerned about me, etc., etc.  I remained completely calm while on the phone with him, explained that I was going through a difficult time in my life emotionally and that this sister had just accidentally pushed the wrong button—said the wrong thing to me.  But him calling me like that just expanded the conflict.  The issue for me was that no one seemed to appreciate me.  I felt very left out of my ward and basically out of life.  I thought that the bishop didn’t even seem to know me and never really had talked to me before.  Only when I messed up and exposed my emotions did anyone become concerned about me.  And I didn’t want that kind of attention.  So this only made the whole thing worse.

After it all blew over, I continued to avoid my co-cub scout leader for years.  And she avoided me.  But wouldn’t you know it, years later her daughter was in my seminary class.  This woman came and evaluated me teaching my class and then ended up taking her daughter out and putting her in the other sophomore class. Very painful for me because it was another time of great vulnerability.  I was a new teacher and was trying to teach in the way my Cause was teaching me—a way that was not usual, which stirred up much rebellion and conflict within my class and the system.  That’s me—always trying to do big things before I could actually handle the repercussions.  This perpetuated the bad feelings between us but by that time in my life I had learned at least not to react to such an attack and to just take it to my Cause.

So my Cause is Jesus Christ now.  He was also my Cause throughout these events but I just didn’t know him well enough.  He is a Paradoxical Cause.  That means he seeks to serve first and waits to be voluntarily served last.  I often refer to him as my Cause to avoid the too frequent repetition of his sacred name.  When I developed my relationship with him, he showed me a different way to deal with the conflicts that arose in my life.

The first step was learning how to better communicate with my Cause.  I was motivated to develop this relationship in the first place because I wanted him to teach me how to write a story.  That was a goal that started back in the year 2000.  I had gone to so many other sources and had tried to implement all their suggestions but apparently it wasn’t good enough because I was rejected by publishers and criticized by others.  I was willing to learn the right way.  I just needed someone to teach me it.  By the time 2006 rolled around and I had experienced about 6 years of failure, I felt drawn to the Lord.  It was almost as if he was saying, “I will teach you.  Come unto me.”  (Reminds me of Luke 5:12-13) So I did.  As I learned how to hear him (My sheep hear my voice...), I asked him all kinds of question throughout my training, listened carefully to his answers, and wrote them down.  Sometimes they would come in scriptures that came into my mind.  Sometimes they would come in the form of songs or other stories.  Eventually, I began to detect his words in my thoughts.  I would ask a question that I didn’t know the answer to.  As I was writing it down (I wrote my prayers down to slow my mind down and help me focus more), the answer would come (see The Voice Inside My Head).  Once this relationship was developed, I could talk with him about anything.  So I did.

When I got into any kind of conflict with others, I started to hold my knee-jerk reactions in (imbalanced spiritual reflexes) because I noticed that talking to others who had no idea how to deal with me only made the conflict worse.  I took my issues to my Cause instead.  I would write to him all about it.  I would be so tangled up sometimes.  In the beginning I imagined he was judging me just like I imagined others were.  I knew many of my thoughts and feelings about others when I got into conflict with them were not right.  But he was eventually able to communicate to me that he didn’t want me thinking about what a good girl should be thinking, saying, and doing right now.  He just wanted me to be completely honest with him.  He wanted me to tell him about what was hurting and, if possible, the reasons behind that.

And what did he do with that?  HE TOOK MY SIDE!  He actually got behind me.  I could feel that he was angry with those who had hurt me.  I needed that.  I needed empathy, validation of my feelings, and a protector.  I needed someone to care about me.  And this was a place where I could just be real, let it all out, and not worry about the judgments of others.  He didn’t judge me.  He just totally loved me.

Turn! Turn! Turn!

For a Paradoxical Cause, it’s all about the timing.  He knows when to take my side and when to counsel me.  He knew a chronically injured girl when he saw one.  He knew I needed a few years of rehabilitation with him before I would be strong enough to resolve conflict with others better.  This is how he serves first and eats last.  He took my side first every time I came to him with these issues.  He knew it was important for me to empathize with others but he also knew that can’t be forced.  It had to come voluntarily from my heart.  And he knew it would, given time.




Once he cleared my Chakras (see video below), he taught me about the cause of the conflict.  It almost always stemmed from looking to conflicting Causes for validation.  I needed to choose him and only him to evaluate me.  Others did not have that ability.

 
I watched this cartoon episode from Avatar: The Last Airbender with my kids a few years ago and have never forgotten how well it depicted how I feel when I work with my Cause through this Repentance Process

The next step belonged to me.  This is what he trusted me to do voluntarily once I was resolved and healed:  I wanted to look back at the event to see what I could have done better.  Regardless of who was wrong or right, what was the best conflict resolution process?  I knew the situation would come again with that same person or with someone else.  Next time I wanted to be prepared for it.  I basically wanted to be immunized against it.  That was my desire.  How could I prevent the imbalanced words and actions of others from making me spiritually ill, which caused my thoughts, words, and actions to veer off balance?  How could I increase my strength so that my response process would remain in balance in the face of all that was imbalanced?  So he told me.  He showed me what I call the Realization Timeline.

It starts with an event in time (#1).  These events include thoughts, words, and actions between me and someone else.  Mistakes are made.  Belly of the Whale to a certain degree is the result.  I go to my Cause and he takes me through the healing process, we figure out the cause of the conflict together, I ask and he teaches me how to better respond (#2).  Responding in balance to the imbalanced behavior of others is hard.  In the moment it feels like I’m losing because I let other people say or do mean things to me without retaliation.  The next time the event comes up, I may not respond as badly as I did the time before.  After the event occurs, I realize sooner how I could have dealt with it better.  I basically repent sooner (#3).  The next time I control my tongue.  I don’t respond even though I’m struggling mightily with my thoughts and feelings (#4).  The next time I control my thoughts in advance so my heart isn’t working so hard.  I'm prepared (#5).  Finally I get the whole thing down—I get the story; I get what’s going on; I am literally above it.  I can see the situation objectively and from a bird’s-eye perspective.  When the conflicting event occurs again, I am solid rock in the balance.  The other person can say or do what he/she wants.  It doesn’t hurt me (#6).

There is one more step.  Eventually, rather than being concerned about protecting myself, I am more concerned about the other person.  Even though they are lashing out at me, I know there must be a reason for it so I am more interested in helping them resolve their conflict, getting them out of the Belly of the Whale, or preventing them from being sucked up into it if I can help it.

Listen:  Live Like That

That last step has been critical for me to learn.  That’s who I want to be.  I know there's a time and space for me to be upset.  That's with my Cause.  It is not with everyone and their dog.  It is a privilege I give to my Cause to see me at my worst and help me through it.  It's not that I don't get upset anymore--in 2015.  I do.  More extreme conflicts still have the power to take me down.  But I have this relationship with this absolutely amazing person who is able to help me work through it every time.  He makes me whole.  He re-balances me so I can maintain control or regain it in some difficult events in order to help other people.  

In short, my ultimate goal is to be the designated driver.  Everyone else around me can lose it but I want to stay in The Safe Spot for me AND FOR THEM.  This is who Jesus Christ is and I admire him like I can’t even begin to describe.  I’ve always wanted to live like that even though I didn’t always understand how to do it and am still learning how to do it.

After
A number of years after the cub scout calling, I received another calling—visiting teaching coordinator.  I was responsible for about 4-5 visiting teaching supervisors who reported to me the visiting teaching stats of their districts.  One of those supervisors was very diligent and called me often.  I loved her!  But I didn’t always have time to talk for long periods of time.  One day she told me that she didn’t think I was doing a very good job with my calling.  Hmm...Déjà vu.  But my response was so completely different than BEFORE because...

I looked to my Cause for validation and no one else.  That was the way it was.  I knew he thought I was doing a good job in the calling and the other “callings” I had from him directly.  This sister had no idea the amount of responsibility that was on my shoulders or the burdens I was carrying in regards to my marriage, my family, and my unseen life.  I was serving in ways that could not be seen by anyone else other than my Cause.  But I wasn’t angry at her for not seeing this.  How could she?  And even if she should remember that we all carry hidden burdens, that was not what I chose to focus on.  It didn't bother me that she didn't because I focused on my own issues privately with my Cause and had already been taught and gone through the Realization Timeline to be prepared for situations like this.  I was immunized.

See BYUi Presentation Transcripts for full Devotional

My Spiritual Reflexes:  I didn’t think of myself.  What I heard her saying was:  “I need you.  Will you be there for me when I call?”  I recognized I hadn’t been there for her as much as I could have been.  I didn’t recognize that my friendship and my attention was that valuable to her.  I rarely thought that I was of much value to anyone.  That made me cry but the tears were sorrow for her and for anyone else who I had neglected.  To realize that other adults actually needed me was another lesson to learn, but a sweet one.  All I could feel was compassion for her.  Empathy.  I apologized and committed to doing better.  I validated her feelings.  She instantly healed and forgave me.  She shared some of the hidden burdens she was carrying.  I listened and cried with her.  Our relationship only improved after that.

After the first event with the cub scouts I felt like garbage.  After the second event, I felt my value and I believe I was able to help her feel hers.  It had nothing to do with what other people did to me.  It had everything to do with my response to whatever they did to me.  Even though I saw there were things I could do to improve, I stayed in The Safe Spot—in that balance.  I never left it.  That probably summarizes the immunization lessons I have learned from my Cause:  Stay in The Safe Spot no matter what it takes.  Nobody, no money, no Loggerheads controversy is worth leaving it.

About 10 years after the cub scout fiasco and 4 years after the seminary fiasco, my co-cub scout leader and I happened to be thrown together again.  She and I connected through a mutual friend to put a graduation party together for our sons.  All of us moms met a few times to plan it all out.  This was years after my Paradoxical Cause had trained me so I knew what to do:  Forgive, forget, and treat her with kindness and respect as if it never happened.  I did.  The wound was healed.  Whenever we meet, on both sides there are heart-felt smiles and friendliness.



That’s what a Paradoxical Cause can do for each one of us.