So Say Geronimo!

Life is a highway but I don’t want to ride it all night long. Here’s why:

When I went on that road trip mentioned in the previous blog post, I dropped my son off at college and then headed south to visit my mom and stepdad.  I was on the highway for a long time.  I was envisioning my destination. I was sure my mom would have dinner ready, a nice cozy room for me to stay in, and it would be good to be out of the car. I was motivated to get there as efficiently as possible.  That was my goal.  I like to drive fast but I also strive to yield to the speed limit laws so when the sign says I can go 80, I want to go 80.

Listen:  "Life Is A Highway" by Rascal Flatts

Driving Obstacles
The first obstacle between me and my final destination was the distance.  I had to endure through the sacrifice of time, vigilance, and pressing on that gas peddle to be able to achieve my goal.  Really not too bad of a sacrifice considering the efforts my predecessors made crossing the same distance.  The second obstacle was to stay within the law—obey the speed limit as well as the other rules of the road, one of my favorite being: Stay to the right except to pass.  The third obstacle was the other drivers on the road, all of whom had their own destinations and there own way of getting there.  Some drove faster than me and thus over the speed limit and some drove slower than me and under the speed limit.  Some of the slower drivers liked to stay in the fast lane even though they weren’t passing anyone.  Some slower drivers liked to get in front of me just as I was about to pass a semi.  And that kind of stuff happened over and over again.  It wasn’t just a one time experience.  And of course it happens repeatedly every time I take a road trip.  I’m sure it’s the same for everyone else.

These other drivers and their different ways of driving present multiple conflicts for me as I’m focused on my goal:  getting to my final destination in the most efficient way possible.  This is because  I have another goal that is more important to me.  It’s to maintain Charity. It’s to love others and do good to them, regardless of how they treat me.  My commitment is to Paradoxical Living (see  blog posts Paradoxical Parenting and World Peace). So I wondered how I could maintain that commitment.  And what were my motives for trying to keep this commitment on the highway when nobody I knew was around?  

...Except God.  He’s around and is the one I’m mostly concerned about so I somehow had to figure out how to deal appropriately with each little internal irritating conflict I was having.  My goal above all sub-goals is to make my temple—my body and spirit—a sacred place where God himself would desire to dwell.  Nourishing irritating feelings and persistent unkind thoughts spawns bad habits and creates an environment in me that he may not be so comfortable in.  And without him there, life is not the same. So you see where my motivation to learn how to deal fairly and charitably with all these unknown drivers on the road (who I will probably never see again in my life) is coming from.

Every time I was caught behind a slow driver or was being tailed by someone going faster than the speed limit, I had a choice to make.  I could allow the jerk in me to come out. That’s certainly the response that comes natural and easy to me in the moment.  I could have manipulated whatever variables within my control to get in front of others.  I could have tailed other people as close as I dared to communicate to them in a rude (and dangerous) way that I wanted them to get out of my way or that I didn’t like how they had done the same to me a minute ago.  I could have a me-first mentality all the way from Colorado to Provo and then from Provo to St. George.  I could have spread selfishness all the way across two states.  I say spread because we all know what we are tempted to do when someone treats us with selfishness.  It’s like a virus.

If I choose the above action plan, I use this reasoning:  I have somewhere to go.  I have to get there.  I don’t like to be in the car longer than I have to be.  These people are in my way.  They don’t know how to drive.  I do.  But the issue is, I’m a little too smart to get away with this reasoning.  Or the Spirit that hangs out with me is.  Never fails, if I am reasoning that I have somewhere to go, I immediately see that SO DO THE OTHER DRIVERS!  So amazing, isn’t it?  Everyone is on a journey to obtain their own goals.  And somehow, someway we’ve got to put up with each other as we cross each other’s paths or travel along the same roads for a while.

Life is a Highway is a fun song but I think a song that better describes my Life-Highway experience is Geronimo by Sheppard.



Read on to see what I mean.

What is Charity?
The other response I could have to the “other people on the road” is to maintain Charity towards them.  This is about not tailing them when they are in front of me and going slower than the speed limit.  It is about giving them plenty of space and waiting for them to move over when they get the chance.  Usually they can’t move over anyway because a semi is in the way or it’s a two-lane highway.  So what good is tailing them?  And if they choose to get in front of me before I pass the semi, then let them.  Slow down and remember they are on their journey too.  Here is an opportunity to give them a hand.  I’ll voluntarily break and allow them to go in front of me when their blinker comes on.  I can do that. It’s just a small thing.  Yeah, it is uncomfortable, but every effort makes me into a different person—someone who has the capacity to bear the weight of others’ goals AND/OR problems, ignorances, mistakes, selfishness, imbalances WITHOUT crumbling into selfishness myself.  To be able to do this, I have to remember that this is my main goal, not the other.  It means more to me than getting to my nice warm and cozy dinner, family, and bed.  I don’t want to arrive at my destination having littered the road with unkind deeds and having a virulent irritation for all humanity sprouting up in my heart.  What kind of reward would I be to my family when I finally got there if that was the way I got there?  What kind of environment in my temple would I be making for God if I did that all the time?

“But [Jesus] answered and said, It is written, Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God.” ~Matthew 4:4

Make this leap!

My real goal is about dealing with every conflict that comes my way with success.  I stay in the Safe Place, meaning I don’t lose the Spirit.  I assist other people to do that as well.  If I’m rude to them, even if I think they’ve been rude to me first, I become a pawn of the adversary’s to tempt them out of the Safe Place. A lot of times we think people are being rude to us on purpose but they are sometimes just doing whatever they’re doing out of ignorance or innocence. And sometimes we get angry at ignorance. We call it negligence. That only spawns hatred of humanity, which ends with us becoming one of the humans we hate.

"Wherefore, he has given a law; and where there is no law given there is no punishment; and where there is no punishment there is no condemnation; and where there is no condemnation the mercies of the Holy One of Israel have claim upon them, because of the atonement; for they are delivered by the power of him." ~2 Nephi 9:25

Bombs away!  Can you feel my love?

When I maintain Charity towards others who drive evidently selfish, it’s not that I have warm fuzzy loving feelings for them throughout the whole experience.  I don’t. It hurts.  It annoys. It is a workout for my heart to not respond in kind. I accept this workout. I know why I’m feeling this pain. I’m sacrificing for my fellow men in general. I know God understands it when I’m working through the irritation. In fact he's been there and probably quite a bit. He just doesn’t want me to give way to it, agree with it, nourish it, and act upon it.

Make this leap!

Some people choose to reduce the intensity of this workout by making up excuses in their minds about why the other driver was so selfish. Maybe they are on the way to the hospital or some other emergency.  Maybe they just didn’t know. Yeah, that helps to some degree and sometimes it’s true.  But my intelligence does not allow me to trick myself into believing it is the case in every situation or even most situations.  I know there are in existence many drivers who drive selfishly because they are selfish and they don’t give a crap about anyone else.  I just can’t make myself believe that everyone of them has some kind of medical emergency or they have no idea what they are doing.  So when I maintain Charity towards drivers like these the love I have for them comes from my actions.  I will allow them to get in front of me.  I will wait for them.  I will be patient with them.  I will not respond in kind.  I won’t flip them off or ride on their tail or make ugly faces or shake my fist at them.  I will remain patient.  Under no circumstance will they see a trace of the struggle I’m having inside because of what they did.  I will maintain my countenance so they have no idea what’s happening inside of me.  Let's just be clear here:  This is what I'm striving to achieve.  Not what I have yet achieved.

"Moreover when ye fast, be not, as the hypocrites, of a sad countenance: for they disfigure their faces, that they may appear unto men to fast. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward. But thou, when thou fastest, anoint thine head, and wash thy face; That thou appear not unto men to fast, but unto thy Father which is in secret: and thy Father, which seeth in secret, shall reward thee openly." ~Matthew 6:16-18

Make this leap!

That’s how I love them.  I’m not thinking, “Oh you poor soul, God loves you!  Go in front of me.  You are a wonderful human being.” No. I’m thinking, “I get it. I’ve been there too. Running late or just prefer to drive fast and thinking only of your own destination. Not there yet in being able to figure out that all of us around you want to get to our destination as efficiently as possible too.  I’ll deal with this. I will not fan the flame of my irritation. I’ll just wait for it to pass through me. I hope you learn sometime soon that selfishness is not the best strategy to obtain what you want.”

Can you feel my love?  Make this leap!

If I am forced to endure the lawless driving of another vehicle on the highway for extended periods of time after I have been patient, I objectively look for a way to get around them or away from them.  I don’t do it to communicate how angry I am with them.  I do it matter-of-factly.  I am saying, “Go ahead and proceed the way you are if that is your way of driving, but I’m just going to go along my way too.  Pass on the right.  Bye!”  Of course if they are way lawless and dangerous, I should report it to the highway patrol so this person doesn’t end up crashing into someone else.  In other relationship scenarios, I could most likely open the communication channels up more fully before having to call in “the authorities.”  Thankfully, since I’m keeping myself in the Safe Place instead of losing it, I can listen to the Holy Ghost to make that kind of discernment-decision.

But we all know that we get into scenarios where we can do nothing to pass the person and are stuck behind them seemingly forever.  In this case we have a greater degree of adversity to bear. Just objectively knowing this is a very difficult trial to endure gives me greater ability to deal with it.  Fighting the natural man response process will only make me stronger.  I turn to the Lord in faith.  I plead for his help—to help me endure to the end of this trial and to help me get out of it soon.  Then I just endure as long as is required because I trust he won’t allow things to try me past what is good for me. 

“So say Geronimo!”

Obviously these kinds of conflicts do indeed happen on the highway.  But the metaphor is that life is a highway and the interactions we have with other drivers are symbolic of the interactions we have with everyone in our lives: our spouse, kids, relatives, friends, neighbors, community members, coworkers, etc.  And while we all have a final destination to get to—our happiness and comfort with family and friends—bee-lining to it at the expense of others is not the best way to get there.  Why?  Because we’re being watched.  God is watching us and all his holy angels.  They are keeping a careful record.  Our final-final destination is with all of them as well as our present family and friends.  And the type of person we have become along life’s highways is the type of person we are at our final destination.  Who do we want to live with there and who will want to live with us?

I know my heaven is with people who have developed their Charity to a similar level that I have by doing what I’m struggling to do on life’s highway.  And heaven is “through the curtains of the waterfall!”  The kind of spirits that attend us now are the kind of people we will dwell with eternally.  Even if no one on the highway sees or cares too much about how much I “make this leap!” for them, I know God sees it.  I can feel his increased desire to dwell with me when he sees it.  My family and friends feel the difference in their interactions with me.  Perhaps if I can master this Highway Charity with the Savior’s help, I will eventually sing, “Life is a highway and I [do] want to ride it all night long.”  If he’s going my way (or I’m going his), then yeah, I do “want to drive it all night long.”  But for now...

“We can make this leap!…Through the curtains of the waterfall…So say Geronimo!…Bombs away…Can you feel my love?”

Voluntary vs. Grudge Sacrifice

I've been thinking a lot about how hard it is to maintain the voluntary nature of a sacrifice when the pain and suffering are mounting.  To keep our heart and our motives pure instead of flipping to selfishness and envy is so intensely difficult when the sacrifice we're making is bleeding the life out of us.

Sacrifice & Adversity
Just to be clear about what I mean when I use the word sacrifice:  It is the expenditure of energy.  When we physically work, we’re sacrificing the available energy in our body in order to accomplish a task.  When we have to endure adversity of any kind, we also expend spiritual energy. We give up our peace. Sometimes we bring these sacrifices upon ourselves.  Sometimes they are forced upon us.  Bad things happen to us.  They happen to really bad people and really good people and everyone in between.  It’s how we respond to that adversity that makes us who we are.  Do we submit to the burden that’s placed upon our shoulders and willingly expend that energy to resolve it the best we can because that was our voluntary agreement when we chose to come to this earth?  Or do we fight against it and begrudge it because we don’t have any recollection that we agreed to endure adversity in order to receive all the other blessings this life would bring us?

"For behold, if a man being evil giveth a gift, he doeth it grudgingly; wherefore it is counted unto him the same as if he had retained the gift; wherefore he is counted evil before God." ~Moroni 7:8

The Atonement of Jesus Christ
Voluntary Sacrifice is what Jesus Christ did.  It is what he exemplified when he was faced with adversity.  He wasn't hanging there on the cross hating everyone and feeling sorry for himself and thinking his lot in life was not fair.  He wasn't contemplating revenge or escape.  He was taking it willingly, assigning the cause to his Father, knowing the Father could release him at any time.  Indeed, our Savior could have released himself at any time as was seen when he was the one who decided when it was finished and “gave up the ghost.”  Inside, he was allowing all of this pain and suffering to happen to him without changing his love to hatred and bitterness.  He remained steadfast in Voluntary Sacrifice.

"No man taketh it from me, but I lay it down of myself. I have power to lay it down, and I have power to take it again. This commandment have I received of my Father." ~John 10:18

"After this, Jesus knowing that all things were now accomplished, that the scripture might be fulfilled, saith, I thirst. Now there was set a vessel full of vinegar: and they filled a sponge with vinegar, and put it upon hyssop, and put it to his mouth. When Jesus therefore had received the vinegar, he said, It is finished: and he bowed his head, and gave up the ghost." ~John 19:28-30

In order to keep the sacrifice voluntary, we can only sacrifice within our Threshold or our Zone to do it.  Beyond that, the voluntary ability of our heart ends.  It involuntarily turns to fighting the sacrifice or making it a grudge sacrifice.  And the only valuable sacrifice is one that is done under voluntary conditions.  If it is not voluntary it does not create sustainable results on the side of the sufferer or on the side of those for whom the sacrifice is being done.  Jesus Christ had the capacity to Voluntarily Sacrifice within his Threshold for all the rest of us, both physically and spiritually.  I’m sure it took him to his very limits, but he did it.  He accomplished the Atonement!

"These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." ~John 16:33

All that is required of us is to sacrifice within our Threshold.  Anything more or less than this does no good.  Understanding these rules behind sacrifice enables me to understand better what Christ did for us.  It astounds me but it's not beyond my comprehension.  It's something I can comprehend because I have suffered to the extremes of my own Threshold.  I know the voluntary/forced fight that goes on inside me.  Sometimes I can’t keep it voluntary no matter what I do and my adversity is no where near what His was!  This is why we can empathize with Christ and he with us.

"And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities." ~Alma 7:12

“We should not assume … that just because something is unexplainable by us it is unexplainable.” ~Elder Neal A. Maxwell quoted by Elder M. Russell Ballard

It’s Like Fitness 
I may not have the cardiorespiratory fitness that a marathon runner has. But I may feel the same discomfort and pain running a 5K, as a marathon runner would feel running a marathon.  That’s because a 5K may be my present capacity.  That’s what my body is trained to handle.  It may be that I have certain genetic weaknesses or certain injuries that make it so a 5K is just like a marathon for me.  The level of exertion I experience creates the intensity of the sacrifice.  I am aware of the battle that goes on between body and spirit when I get to the edge of my Threshold.  I can feel the battle of my motivation—voluntary vs. forced.  I feel what Christ did when he was at the edge of his.  I also feel what others feel when they are at the edge of theirs.  So I can empathize with them even if I haven’t gone through exactly what they are going through.  It’s physics.  Because I am weaker, I experience greater pain with less adversity.  Because Christ is stronger, he would experience less pain with my same level of adversity, but similar pain with the level of adversity that would push him to his Threshold edge.

Training to Increase Our Threshold
There is a range of balance in my cardiorespiratory and muscular Thresholds that needs to be maintained and challenged but not overcome throughout the training process.  If I take the time to be trained I can actually grow in my capacity.  Maybe right now I can’t even run a 5K.  But if I work up to it gradually and consistently, I will be able to do it.  I will be able to handle more adversity without crossing out of my Threshold.  My sacrifice will remain voluntary with greater intensities instead of turning into a grudge sacrifice.

I’ve had my Fitbit on for 20 days now.  It tracks a lot of things including my resting heart rate (RHR).  I’ve noticed this rate has incrementally dropped during the last 20 days as I exercise more consistently and intensely than what I was doing before.  I also notice my exertion during exercise is decreasing in correspondence with my RHR so I can do more, move faster in less time and thus burn the same amount of calories as before in less time without running faster than I have strength.  In the fitness world, this is called perceived exertion.  It’s a great metaphor for how each of us have our own Threshold of sacrifice.  Two people can be walking at the same exact pace but one of them might be working much harder, according to their perceived exertion, than the other.  The factors that affect that difference in perception can be both physical and spiritual.  So the goal is to work within our personal Threshold of perceived exertion.  When we do that, we become stronger, faster, and able to bear a heavier sacrifice over time.

Sacrifice:  Objective Value
What makes the marathon runner’s sacrifice greater than mine is the time he took to train verses the time I took to train, given we are both healthy individuals with the capacity to develop our cardiorespiratory systems and musculature to that level, without any genetic obstacles.  If we both have the capacity and Desire to become marathon runners, and I have trained myself to be able to run a 5K, while he has trained himself to be able to run a marathon, it objectively would take a longer time to develop his body than it would mine.  He would have been required to remain steadfast in his goal for a longer period of time than I would have.  No giving up.  So steadfastness in obeying his Trainer would have been one of his main qualities.

Jehovah --
"The covenant or proper name of the God of Israel. It denotes the 'Unchangeable One,' 'the eternal I AM'"  ~Bible Dictionary

"I gave my back to the smiters, and my cheeks to them that plucked off the hair: I hid not my face from shame and spitting. For the Lord God will help me; therefore shall I not be confounded: therefore have I set my face like a flint, and I know that I shall not be ashamed." ~Isaiah 50:6-7

Spiritual Fitness
Just as there are physical 5Ks and marathons, there are spiritual 5Ks and marathons.  A large portion of our society loves to get us to use Pride/Envy evaluations of our physical and spiritual fitness.  They advocate comparing our fitness to another to assess personal value in Pride or Envy, not so we can use it to bless the lives of others.  But that gets us no where.  In Christ’s world of Confidence/Humility, there are no Pride/Envy class distinctions.  If we want to develop our spiritual fitness level, we can.  It all is dependent upon our DESIRE TO LOVE.  Some people want to develop the capacity to run a spiritual 5K.  They love at that level and are satisfied there.  Others want to run spiritual marathons.  That’s where they find their greatest balance. Those who want to run marathons have no business judging those who just want to run 5Ks.  In fact, it is the 5K-ers who make up their spiritual marathon.  They are what make their spiritual sacrifice more difficult.  Spiritual marathon runners use their strength to love spiritual 5Kers or spiritual 1Kers in Confidence and Empathy and NOT Pride.  Those who run 5Ks have no business judging those who want to run marathons.  It is the marathoners who make it possible for them to run the distance/time of their choice.  They use their Humility and Gratitude and NOT Envy to receive the help they need to accomplish their goals and resolve their conflicts from marathon runners. 

It’s so symbiotic because we both need each other.  Neither of us would be able to experience Joy at the intensity level we desire if it weren’t for the other.  Peace isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.  Too much of it leaves us in boredom, stagnancy, and depression.  Ask anyone who has recently retired.  Sacrificing our peace for others completes that peace and enables us to feel that amazing flow of energy that is Joy.

Too Much/Too Little
We not only have a Threshold for how hard we can work before it is too much, but we also have a Threshold for how easy we can work before it is too little.  We all have to do something in order to obtain what we want and separate ourselves from the things we don't want. We can’t choose to run/walk at a rate that is beneath our capacity. We need to sacrifice to a certain degree in order to stay alive on this earth.  Atrophy is real and it sets in when we under-do it just as much as Injury sets in when we overdo it.  Likewise, we need to sacrifice above a certain Threshold in order to obtain and maintain Joy. 

It was Jesus Christ’s choice, mission, and inherent strength to develop the capacity to run the farthest distance/time for his personal sacrifice so that each of us could voluntarily sacrifice at the level we personally are able AND also develop our Threshold capacity according to our Desires.  He made it so the sacrifice could remain VOLUNTARY, instead of forced.  That is the power of Attraction!  Through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, he enables us to retain our agency, love, and Joy through whatever adversity we are required to bear.

"And for this cause have I been lifted up; therefore, according to the power of the Father I will draw all men unto me, that they may be judged according to their works." ~3 Nephi 27:15

"And I, if I be lifted up from the earth, will draw all men unto me." ~John 12:32

Time, Why You Punish Me?

Like a wave crashing into the shore 
You wash away my dreams. 
Time, why you walk away? 
Like a friend with somewhere to go 
You left me crying
~Hootie & the Blowfish

Most of us don’t have a problem with time when things are going well.  If we are in a place with those we love and who love us and we're physically healthy, we’re good with letting time take as long as it wants.  In fact we want times like these to go on forever.

The issue with time is when it is requiring us to sacrifice--to go without something we need or want.  It is when we’re separated from those we love or are subject to being with people we don’t get along with.  It’s when things aren’t going our way.

So the question is, “Time, why you punish me?”

We all know the answer.  

"Elder Orson F. Whitney wrote: ‘All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, … purifies our hearts … and makes us more tender and charitable, … and it is through … toil and tribulation, that we gain the education … which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven.’  These purifying trials bring us to Christ, who can heal us and make us useful in the work of salvation.” ~Neill F. Marriott, “What Shall We Do?” 

"We are all acquainted with other kinds of mortal opposition not caused by our personal sins, including illness, disability, and death. President Thomas S. Monson explained: Some of you may at times have cried out in your suffering, wondering why our Heavenly Father would allow you to go through whatever trials you are facing. …Our mortal life, however, was never meant to be easy or consistently pleasant. Our Heavenly Father…knows that we learn and grow and become refined through hard challenges, heartbreaking sorrows, and difficult choices. Each one of us experiences dark days when our loved ones pass away, painful times when our health is lost, feelings of being forsaken when those we love seem to have abandoned us. These and other trials present us with the real test of our ability to endure.” ~Elder Dallin H. Oaks, “Opposition in All Things”

"In teaching the principle that mortal life can be agonizing but our hardships have eternal purpose—even if we do not understand it at the time—Elder Holland said, ‘You can have what you want, or you can have something better.’” ~Elder Donald L. Hallstrom, “I Am a Child of God”

"There are heartbreaks when circumstances are very different from what we had anticipated.” ~Elder Donald L. Hallstrom, “I Am a Child of God”

In order to learn, grow, and become absolutely beautiful we must endure adversity for a time.  But the question of every intelligent being is, “How long?”  Because we understand the above principle, we can and will endure adversity.  We have no choice if we want what we want, except to give up what we want.  

This learning and growing process is symbolized in the 2015 Cinderella movie when her fairy-god-mother turns her older dress that belonged to her mom into the new bright blue one. But we have to do more than just turn in circles while our “fairy-god-mother” does all the work. That’s a little too heavy on grace and not enough works. Yet the bright blue dress symbolizes what Cinderella was already doing throughout her life despite the adversity—“Have courage and be kind.”  I mean who would Cinderella be without all the trials she was required to endure?  What kind of princess and queen would she become if she had not learned to have courage and be kind when it seemed like all was lost?  How would she have learned what true kindness was if she wasn’t tempted to give up these values when she was treated with unkindness or when she was experiencing pain?

But how long do we have to endure the unkindness, the separation from loved ones, the hard times, the pain and sorrow, the longing, the needing?  We know we can’t say when that time will end.  We can’t say, “I will only endure this adversity until next Spring and then I’m done.”  For some reason that doesn’t work in our relationship with God.  He doesn’t like it.  I bet it’s because it sounds like we’re demanding that he bless us and when he should bless us, as if he were our servant.  I think it crosses over to an attitude of entitlement, which really isn’t synonymous with having courage and being kind.

No, I think we have to give it all to our Heavenly Father. We say, “Thy will be done.” We can’t assume time “ain’t no friend of mine.” We can’t assume it’s just “wasted time.” How could having courage and being kind become a sustainable characteristic inside of us if we were the ones to decide when enough is enough?  Is it something we’re just pretending to do or something we do when we’re sure of the reward?  We have to be willing to do it in faith throughout incrementally tougher conditions that seem to suggest God has forsaken us.  Conditions that suggest that we will never obtain those loving relationships or a healthy body that make us want time to go on forever.  It’s not so much about what we’re going to receive, even though we surely will receive it.

“But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.” ~1 Corinthians 2:9

It’s more about who we will become. Who do we want to become? What kind of person?  And is there anything in the world—any kind of adversity or temptation that will convince us to change that goal?  I mean, when the heat of adversity and temptation gets hot, will we turn into a selfish weasel that manipulates others or sneaks around behind closed doors inappropriately to get what we want?  Will we stop having courage and being kind?  Will we make our kindness dependent on the kindness of others?  Will we say, “I’ll be kind only if they are?”

“But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you...For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same? And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so?” ~Matthew 5:44-48

But even though I know all this, I still want to know: “Time, how long will you punish me?”  The answer I hear is:  As long as you hold on to this Desire of yours.  Are you willing to endure through time to obtain it?  Or will the waiting period be too much so that you are happier with a lesser Desire that won’t take as much time and thus adversity?  

For those of us who have already tried that lesser pathway, all we can basically say to our Savior is: “Nothing compares 2 U” and “To whom shall we go?  Thou hast the words of eternal life” (John 6:68).  “After tasting of your fruit, every other Desire can’t seem to hold a candle. So I'm in for life...for eternity.”

"Understandably, many have expressed that our Father’s promised blessings are just 'way too far away,' particularly when our lives are overflowing with challenges. But Amulek taught that 'this life is the time … to prepare to meet God.' It is not the time to receive all of our blessings. President Packer explained, ‘And they all lived happily ever after’ is never written into the second act. That line belongs in the third act, when the mysteries are solved and everything is put right.'  However, a vision of our Father’s incredible promised blessings must be the central focus before our eyes every day—as well as an awareness 'of the multitude of his tender mercies' that we experience on a daily basis.” ~Linda S. Reeves, “Worthy of Our Promised Blessings”

I just think that second and third acts are about TIME.  I don’t think I have to wait until I die for that third act to be the story of my life.  That seems a little too heavy with grace.  Just wait till I die and everything gets better.  I know that's true for some unchangeable aspects of my physical health and other physical things, but I think I am continually going through spiritual first, second, and third acts incrementally, progressively. Mysteries are incrementally solved.  Things are gradually being put right in my understanding as I keep striving, experiencing, and listening for guidance.  I’m a firm believer that eternity is now as well as after we die and before we came to live here by the very definition of the word.

In response to my "How long?" question, I hear the Lord saying to me as he did to Peter, “If you love me, feed my sheep” (John 21:15-17) or as he said to all the people, “If you love me keep my commandments” (John 14:15).  Now paraphrasing:  “If you love me, love others. This is keeping my commandment. Love them even if they don’t love you first.  Love them as if they were me.  Have courage and be kind to everyone.  Let that be your focus instead of focusing on when adversity will all come to an end.  And I promise you, between me and them you will have the relationships that make you want time to go on forever.”



That's definitely more directed towards us women so here's the same kind of symbolic transition of a man.



“Master, which is the great commandment in the law? Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.” ~Matthew 22:36-40

“Then said I: Lord, how long? And he said: Until the cities be wasted without inhabitant, and the houses without man, and the land be utterly desolate;” ~2 Nephi 16:11

A Three Hour Tour

"Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip...[The] passengers set sail that day, 
For a three hour tour, a THREE HOUR TOUR!"

This last August I went to our family reunion in Aptos, California. That’s a little town just below Santa Cruz and Capitola and north of Monterey where, back in the day, my grandparents bought a beach cabin. Being raised in San Jose, CA, my siblings and I grew up going to the beach cabin pretty frequently. This was our second official family reunion since we’ve all grown up and had families of our own.

This time we decided that one of the activities would be a whale watching boat ride in Monterey Bay. I can’t remember whose idea it was originally but I am responsible for organizing the whole thing. Guilty as charged. So when I talked to the skipper on the phone, she told me that people often get sea sick and so we may want to come prepared with the appropriate anti-seasickness meds. I informed everyone of this possibility and also purchased the meds myself (pharmacist recommended), which turned out to be plenty for everyone who wanted to take them.

When the day for the boat ride came, we all drove down to Monterey, parked, and walked along Fisherman's Wharf to get to the dock where all the boats were. Such a cool pier lined with restaurants that serve hot clam chowder and fresh baked bread as well as a bunch of other tourist shops. So far this was looking like a great idea!

We paid for our 3 hour tour and then boarded the boat. All of us taking the meds, took them then. After much instructions, which included how and where to throw up, we were off. The first 30 minutes were fine. We were all out on the deck looking at the seals on the rocks and the shoreline getting further and further away. I was on the front deck with a lot of others from our group. We started getting splashed a little too much when the wind picked up. The waves became more choppy, which caused the boat to rock and roll a little too intensely. Everyone standing in the bow of the boat was instructed to go inside the cabin to reduce this effect. So we did. But most of us weren’t sitting there for longer than 2 minutes before we couldn’t handle it anymore. Nausea hit. We all headed out to the back deck, holding on to whatever we could because the boat was still rocking so much.

I stayed on the back deck for the rest of the ride. About 50% of our group got sick. Matthew and Laura (my son and daughter) threw up over the side of the boat. Matthew repeatedly. Chris (my other son) was fine. I was sick but I didn’t throw up, probably because of the meds. I think the meds were actually making me feel worse. I was cold too. We had stopped by Walmart on our way to Monterey and bought a few heavy sweatshirts because they said it would get pretty cold out on the water. I was standing in one spot on the deck near the side of the boat in a hooded sweatshirt, with the hood up. I was shaking pretty bad and trying to deal with the constant upchucking feeling. There was nothing I could do to make this trial go away. A few others were suffering but I couldn’t help them anymore than they could help me. There were two more hours left on the boat. I had no one to blame. I’m the one who planned the whole thing. I was in fact responsible but the cause was inexperience. I didn’t know how bad it would be. I didn’t even know if any of us would get sick. I was fine on Lake Powell boats but apparently not fine on this boat.

What was going on on the inside.

I had no desire or inclination to blame it on anyone. Yet I couldn’t just exist in that terrible state without starting on some kind of conflict resolution process. My brother Will and all his kids were fine. He was walking all around the boat, changing places often. He suggested I try this as a resolution process. But moving just made it worse for me. So I just stood there shivering. But internally, spiritually I was actively reaching up to God in prayer. I told him I could do nothing to make my situation any better. I had two hours to endure and I was unable to do that on my own.  I asked him to help me. I just focused my mind on him and stayed with him. I could feel him with me, comforting me. Tears were streaming down my face, not because of the pain, but because it was so apparent I wasn’t bearing this burden alone. I didn’t want anyone else to feel sorry for me so I tried to keep my face relatively hidden. I knew that the only sympathy that would make any real difference for me would be the Lord’s. Chris came over and put his arms around me for a bit. That was soooo sweet of him. I don’t know if it’s just me or if everyone is like this, but I needed my main line of support to come from inside me—from that place where I always feel the Lord’s presence. So even as my body was racked with so much turmoil, it was like I was somehow separated from it to a certain extent, standing outside of it, removed from it. Wave after wave of nausea was matched with wave after wave of this unbelievable love. A microcosm of peace and comfort in a macrocosm of stress and panic.

What was going on on the outside.

It makes me love my Savior incredibly intensely when he saves me like that. I don’t often get myself into situations where there is nothing I can do to save myself but pray and reach for His atoning sacrifice in faith. At least I don’t often look at my conflicts like that. It was pretty much all grace and very little works. I usually am more than willing to do whatever I can when there are conflicts to be resolved. Perhaps I’m even imbalanced to that side—trying to do too much, putting all my efforts into figuring out how to actually get off the boat and out of the tough situation when faith in Christ while I have to endure the situation for a time is the answer.

We did see whales and other sea creatures. They were neat-o. But feeling like I did, I really didn’t care about any neat-o things. “Oh another whale. Nice. Okay, how long do we have left?”  

When we finally got back to the dock, we all started feeling better immediately. We disembarked and headed for the car, but lo and behold, all the restaurants were giving taster cups of their clam chowder. So we bought a bread bowl of it and all my kids and I shared it as we explored the pier. Now that was neat-o! So warm after shivering for so long. We will never forget this adventure. I will never do it again.

So there are other conflicts that have arisen in my life that are similar to this. I find myself in situations over which I have no control. Maybe I’m the one who got myself into them in the first place. That’s usually the case. But most of the time I have had no idea it was going to turn into such a rocking and rolling upchucking experience. When I compare my experience on the 3 Hour Tour Whale Watching Boat Ride with these other experiences, I am able to more accurately identify how to resolve conflicts like these.

First, I need to identify the source of comfort that is most powerful to me. This should be someone I trust and with whom I have developed a very close relationship. This is a person who knows me well and loves me so that He’s able to evaluate when I am not myself during a conflict. He knows I’m not always in a bad mood. He knows I don’t always respond to situations like I’m responding to this one. This is the person I go to unload all of my personal struggles, irritations, frustrations, and feelings of insecurity. I don’t take this relationship for granted by just using it as a place to dump. It’s usually a relationship of love, appreciation, admiration, attraction, respect, and Joy. So when I go through times when I have to wrinkle my nose, complain, and express how upset I am, He is well aware that the trial I’m going through must be very intense.

Second, if I do talk to others about the problem, I need to keep the communication objective. I talk to them in order to objectively resolve the conflict. But unfortunately, I don’t always keep it objective. On the boat, I knew there was no one else to whom I could go “to hear my soul’s complaint.” That was very plain. But when I have other life-conflicts, sometimes I try unloading on other people. Because I need their objective help to resolve the conflict, they are usually eager to help me deal with all of the emotional baggage I’m carrying as well. But the issue is, it ends up feeling like I’m violating someone else’s privacy when I do that. Often times it’s not a rocking and rolling boat that is making me feel like I want to puke. It’s a rocking and rolling relationship with another person.

So in order for my objective helpers to comfort me, I have to basically describe the cause of my conflict to them, which is the other person’s behavior and how it’s making me feel, how it’s making me react when I don’t want to react that way. I end up feeling like I have to justify why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling. It becomes a subjective analysis rather than an objective analysis. A blame game. A game of who is right and who is wrong. That just intensifies the conflict for me. I need someone who knows exactly what is going on behind the scenes because it is behind the scenes that I predominantly live. It is tempting to seek for comfort and support from others but just like on the boat, while I sincerely appreciate their support, it is never enough for me. I have to go to that one person I trust the most. He is the person I rely on above all others. Over an extended period of time I have developed a relationship with him that I have come to depend upon implicitly. I want to hear his opinions. I want his presence. I don’t want to do anything in my relationships with other people to make my relationship with Him rock and roll so that he would rather be anywhere else than with me. I don’t want him to be counting the minutes left before this whole Boat Ride Relationship with me will be over.

Oh, it’s so hard for me to give “just the facts!”

“O wretched [wo]man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities. I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me. And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.” ~2 Nephi 4:17-19

The cool thing about trials is if I can just shut up and take it, let others evaluate me in Pride and Envy despite my sincere intentions to do good to them without turning and reviling again in Pride and Envy, and go to my Savior alone for my comfort and support, I will be able to feel his love in that intense amazing way that I did on the boat.  And that love is more intense than what I experience when everything is hunky-dory.

"And now my beloved brethren, I would exhort you to have patience, and that ye bear with all manner of afflictions; that ye do not revile against those who do cast you out because of your exceeding poverty [or because of your reaction to whatever weaknesses and sins which do so easily beset you], lest ye become sinners like unto them; But that ye have patience, and bear with those afflictions, with a firm hope that ye shall one day rest from all your afflictions." ~Alma 34:40-41