A Three Hour Tour

"Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip...[The] passengers set sail that day, 
For a three hour tour, a THREE HOUR TOUR!"

This last August I went to our family reunion in Aptos, California. That’s a little town just below Santa Cruz and Capitola and north of Monterey where, back in the day, my grandparents bought a beach cabin. Being raised in San Jose, CA, my siblings and I grew up going to the beach cabin pretty frequently. This was our second official family reunion since we’ve all grown up and had families of our own.

This time we decided that one of the activities would be a whale watching boat ride in Monterey Bay. I can’t remember whose idea it was originally but I am responsible for organizing the whole thing. Guilty as charged. So when I talked to the skipper on the phone, she told me that people often get sea sick and so we may want to come prepared with the appropriate anti-seasickness meds. I informed everyone of this possibility and also purchased the meds myself (pharmacist recommended), which turned out to be plenty for everyone who wanted to take them.

When the day for the boat ride came, we all drove down to Monterey, parked, and walked along Fisherman's Wharf to get to the dock where all the boats were. Such a cool pier lined with restaurants that serve hot clam chowder and fresh baked bread as well as a bunch of other tourist shops. So far this was looking like a great idea!

We paid for our 3 hour tour and then boarded the boat. All of us taking the meds, took them then. After much instructions, which included how and where to throw up, we were off. The first 30 minutes were fine. We were all out on the deck looking at the seals on the rocks and the shoreline getting further and further away. I was on the front deck with a lot of others from our group. We started getting splashed a little too much when the wind picked up. The waves became more choppy, which caused the boat to rock and roll a little too intensely. Everyone standing in the bow of the boat was instructed to go inside the cabin to reduce this effect. So we did. But most of us weren’t sitting there for longer than 2 minutes before we couldn’t handle it anymore. Nausea hit. We all headed out to the back deck, holding on to whatever we could because the boat was still rocking so much.

I stayed on the back deck for the rest of the ride. About 50% of our group got sick. Matthew and Laura (my son and daughter) threw up over the side of the boat. Matthew repeatedly. Chris (my other son) was fine. I was sick but I didn’t throw up, probably because of the meds. I think the meds were actually making me feel worse. I was cold too. We had stopped by Walmart on our way to Monterey and bought a few heavy sweatshirts because they said it would get pretty cold out on the water. I was standing in one spot on the deck near the side of the boat in a hooded sweatshirt, with the hood up. I was shaking pretty bad and trying to deal with the constant upchucking feeling. There was nothing I could do to make this trial go away. A few others were suffering but I couldn’t help them anymore than they could help me. There were two more hours left on the boat. I had no one to blame. I’m the one who planned the whole thing. I was in fact responsible but the cause was inexperience. I didn’t know how bad it would be. I didn’t even know if any of us would get sick. I was fine on Lake Powell boats but apparently not fine on this boat.

What was going on on the inside.

I had no desire or inclination to blame it on anyone. Yet I couldn’t just exist in that terrible state without starting on some kind of conflict resolution process. My brother Will and all his kids were fine. He was walking all around the boat, changing places often. He suggested I try this as a resolution process. But moving just made it worse for me. So I just stood there shivering. But internally, spiritually I was actively reaching up to God in prayer. I told him I could do nothing to make my situation any better. I had two hours to endure and I was unable to do that on my own.  I asked him to help me. I just focused my mind on him and stayed with him. I could feel him with me, comforting me. Tears were streaming down my face, not because of the pain, but because it was so apparent I wasn’t bearing this burden alone. I didn’t want anyone else to feel sorry for me so I tried to keep my face relatively hidden. I knew that the only sympathy that would make any real difference for me would be the Lord’s. Chris came over and put his arms around me for a bit. That was soooo sweet of him. I don’t know if it’s just me or if everyone is like this, but I needed my main line of support to come from inside me—from that place where I always feel the Lord’s presence. So even as my body was racked with so much turmoil, it was like I was somehow separated from it to a certain extent, standing outside of it, removed from it. Wave after wave of nausea was matched with wave after wave of this unbelievable love. A microcosm of peace and comfort in a macrocosm of stress and panic.

What was going on on the outside.

It makes me love my Savior incredibly intensely when he saves me like that. I don’t often get myself into situations where there is nothing I can do to save myself but pray and reach for His atoning sacrifice in faith. At least I don’t often look at my conflicts like that. It was pretty much all grace and very little works. I usually am more than willing to do whatever I can when there are conflicts to be resolved. Perhaps I’m even imbalanced to that side—trying to do too much, putting all my efforts into figuring out how to actually get off the boat and out of the tough situation when faith in Christ while I have to endure the situation for a time is the answer.

We did see whales and other sea creatures. They were neat-o. But feeling like I did, I really didn’t care about any neat-o things. “Oh another whale. Nice. Okay, how long do we have left?”  

When we finally got back to the dock, we all started feeling better immediately. We disembarked and headed for the car, but lo and behold, all the restaurants were giving taster cups of their clam chowder. So we bought a bread bowl of it and all my kids and I shared it as we explored the pier. Now that was neat-o! So warm after shivering for so long. We will never forget this adventure. I will never do it again.

So there are other conflicts that have arisen in my life that are similar to this. I find myself in situations over which I have no control. Maybe I’m the one who got myself into them in the first place. That’s usually the case. But most of the time I have had no idea it was going to turn into such a rocking and rolling upchucking experience. When I compare my experience on the 3 Hour Tour Whale Watching Boat Ride with these other experiences, I am able to more accurately identify how to resolve conflicts like these.

First, I need to identify the source of comfort that is most powerful to me. This should be someone I trust and with whom I have developed a very close relationship. This is a person who knows me well and loves me so that He’s able to evaluate when I am not myself during a conflict. He knows I’m not always in a bad mood. He knows I don’t always respond to situations like I’m responding to this one. This is the person I go to unload all of my personal struggles, irritations, frustrations, and feelings of insecurity. I don’t take this relationship for granted by just using it as a place to dump. It’s usually a relationship of love, appreciation, admiration, attraction, respect, and Joy. So when I go through times when I have to wrinkle my nose, complain, and express how upset I am, He is well aware that the trial I’m going through must be very intense.

Second, if I do talk to others about the problem, I need to keep the communication objective. I talk to them in order to objectively resolve the conflict. But unfortunately, I don’t always keep it objective. On the boat, I knew there was no one else to whom I could go “to hear my soul’s complaint.” That was very plain. But when I have other life-conflicts, sometimes I try unloading on other people. Because I need their objective help to resolve the conflict, they are usually eager to help me deal with all of the emotional baggage I’m carrying as well. But the issue is, it ends up feeling like I’m violating someone else’s privacy when I do that. Often times it’s not a rocking and rolling boat that is making me feel like I want to puke. It’s a rocking and rolling relationship with another person.

So in order for my objective helpers to comfort me, I have to basically describe the cause of my conflict to them, which is the other person’s behavior and how it’s making me feel, how it’s making me react when I don’t want to react that way. I end up feeling like I have to justify why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling. It becomes a subjective analysis rather than an objective analysis. A blame game. A game of who is right and who is wrong. That just intensifies the conflict for me. I need someone who knows exactly what is going on behind the scenes because it is behind the scenes that I predominantly live. It is tempting to seek for comfort and support from others but just like on the boat, while I sincerely appreciate their support, it is never enough for me. I have to go to that one person I trust the most. He is the person I rely on above all others. Over an extended period of time I have developed a relationship with him that I have come to depend upon implicitly. I want to hear his opinions. I want his presence. I don’t want to do anything in my relationships with other people to make my relationship with Him rock and roll so that he would rather be anywhere else than with me. I don’t want him to be counting the minutes left before this whole Boat Ride Relationship with me will be over.

Oh, it’s so hard for me to give “just the facts!”

“O wretched [wo]man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities. I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me. And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.” ~2 Nephi 4:17-19

The cool thing about trials is if I can just shut up and take it, let others evaluate me in Pride and Envy despite my sincere intentions to do good to them without turning and reviling again in Pride and Envy, and go to my Savior alone for my comfort and support, I will be able to feel his love in that intense amazing way that I did on the boat.  And that love is more intense than what I experience when everything is hunky-dory.

"And now my beloved brethren, I would exhort you to have patience, and that ye bear with all manner of afflictions; that ye do not revile against those who do cast you out because of your exceeding poverty [or because of your reaction to whatever weaknesses and sins which do so easily beset you], lest ye become sinners like unto them; But that ye have patience, and bear with those afflictions, with a firm hope that ye shall one day rest from all your afflictions." ~Alma 34:40-41

You Are My Hands

Each one of us has personal Saviors who act in behalf of our general Savior for us. It is most common that these Saviors are within our own family, ward, or community. It is a total blessing for us to have someone right before our eyes, face to face, talking and listening to us and imparting the Lord's word to us for our specific situations. When we can share our hopes, dreams, frustrations, and true feelings with another person who understands us, supports us, and guides us, this interaction makes life better and more manageable, not worse.  We have a place to "lay our head." We have a personal Savior who is operating through the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ who has our best interest in mind and heart.

“God does notice us, and he watches over us. But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs.” ~President Spencer W. Kimball

There is a statue of Christ that was damaged in a war with missing hands and a sign at its base that says, "You are my hands."

“A story is told that during the bombing of a city in World War II, a large statue of Jesus Christ was severely damaged. When the townspeople found the statue among the rubble, they mourned because it had been a beloved symbol of their faith and of God’s presence in their lives. Experts were able to repair most of the statue, but its hands had been damaged so severely that they could not be restored. Some suggested that they hire a sculptor to make new hands, but others wanted to leave it as it was—a permanent reminder of the tragedy of war. Ultimately, the statue remained without hands. However, the people of the city added on the base of the statue of Jesus Christ a sign with these words: ‘You are my hands.’” ~Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf

When God allows us to be his hands, he gives us the opportunity to develop sustainable relationship of Amae with our family, friends, and community. These are like the covalent bonds we learn about in chemistry. If we all relied directly upon God for all our needs, we would not be able to establish bonds with each other. We would all bond directly with God but not with each other.

Family Bonding
Because we are all separated from God and his immediate love to a certain degree, we all have the need for Amae. Our spirits need spiritual nourishment to live just as our bodies require physical nourishment to live. God designed families as the primary way we receive both physical and spiritual nourishment. Functional families successfully provide this nourishment and thus bond with each other. Dysfunctional families struggle with the ability to provide it and that bond can't be formed. Most families fall somewhere in between totally functional and totally dysfunctional. Because we may not be able to provide the level of nourishment our children need or because our parents may not be able to do that for us, God provides back-up resources. Back-up Redeemers. 

The Fall
Sometimes the inability to provide Amae may be ascribed to purposeful negligence and abuse but other times it may be ascribed to objective random reality. The imbalanced relationship that results in dysfunction may only be a result of random circumstances. In other words, we can probably safely attribute the overall cause of dysfunctional conditions to the conditions of the Fall. Sickness, death, natural disasters, lack of maturity, generational neglect and abuse. The list of inherent weaknesses and misfortunes goes on! All of it can be categorized under the Fall. One dysfunctional condition causes another dysfunctional condition and like dominoes we all go down.   The Atonement of Jesus Christ redeems our AGENCY. It gives us the power to overcome the conditions of a dysfunctional upbringing. It provides us with Amae where we didn't have it. If choose him (and his back-up resources) as our Redeemer these Fallen imbalanced conditions can be corrected.

My Specific Adversity: What Happened?
What exactly happened to me as a child? As is the case for all of us, God primarily provided that needed spiritual nourishment through my family. That was my first-line resource growing up. Because that was dysfunctional to a given degree, I also had dysfunctional behavior before I learned to turn to my Redeemer for re-functionalization. Thankfully, part of the Atonement of Jesus Christ includes giving each of us Time to find Him and recognize how to turn to and rely upon his Redeeming love.

My parents divorced when I was really little. I barely even remember my dad. He thought it was best to completely sever ties with us so I didn't grow up knowing him. In my teenage years I had some positive interaction with him. He was very kind. But I never had that father/daughter belonging relationship with him that would fulfill the purpose of family for me.

I’m not sure why my biological father did what he did so I don’t want to go into that. I’m only sure that it was a combination of the Fall and his own choices. So he left our family early on. He left us to the care of my mom and eventually to my step-dad. My step-dad was born and raised in an abusive culture. I know he was verbally and physically knocked around a lot by his parents and siblings. So that was passed along to him and then to me and my siblings. 

From his family line, he learned that the solution to get children to obey was to force them to obey through physical pain or threat of it. The imbalanced character trait went like this: If children do not do what you say, you should increase their physical pain. In Behavioral Psychology--Operant Conditioning--this would be called Positive Punishment. Increasing or adding an undesirable stimulus like whipping a horse to get him to run faster. It is hitting a child after she has done something wrong in efforts to create a fear in her to not repeat that behavior again. If you consistently train a child like this she is going to assimilate those character traits, whether she would choose it or not.

These imbalanced methods of training children can indirectly promote other imbalanced character traits in a child when they are the primary methods by which she learns to make her choices. If she did not know she was doing wrong in the first place, punishment was used as a teaching method, and if this training was repeated throughout her childhood, what would be the consequence? What would she learn? I know what I learned—a fear that whatever I did could possibly be wrong. No space for trial and error. No time to make mistakes without the hammer of swift and painful judgment coming down on my head. It was not okay for me to be imperfect in any way. I developed an ultra-self-correction mechanism almost like an auto-immune disease and a major self-defensiveness against anyone who attempted to correct me. I will correct myself before anyone has a chance to punish me. That was my unconscious attitude. As I grew older, I grew angry. And this is probably the same process that put such intense and virulent anger into my step-dad before me. The results of the Fall--generational abuse and neglect. Lack of Amae.

Neglecting to Protect
The problem is not just in passing on dysfunctional love and character traits but it’s also in NOT passing on functional Amae and character traits. What does a child become when she is not protected by her parents? What happens if the very ones she should go to for safety, comfort, guidance, and support are the ones she has to hide from? How does she develop faith in the Atonement of Jesus Christ? Where does the vital nourishing love come from? How can a child learn how to be merciful if she never was given it? The answer is that she doesn't. Instead she learns to protect herself. She learns that no one has her back. She believes there are no Back-up Redeemers. She learns to Turn and Revile Again.

I share this story knowing that almost everyone has experienced generational abuse and neglect to some degree. And if we see it in ourselves, we may be tempted to evaluate ourselves in Toxic Shame or to evaluate our parents in Toxic Blame. My goal is to objectively see these things as the product of ignorance and the Fall. There may also be sin involved in the mix but it is not my business to be the judge between sin and ignorance. All that I need to understand in reviewing these facts is the objective fact that these specific conditions are the result of the Fall. When I recognize them as such, I can get to a place where I understand how the Atonement of Jesus Christ can be implemented to resolve the conflicts that the dysfunctional relationships have created for me. These are the resultant conflicts that I may still be struggling with today. Therefore, to resolve my present conflicts becomes my purpose for seeking to understand the past.

Back-up Redeemers
When the level of love and training our parents provide for us is not enough, the Atonement of Jesus Christ operates on our behalf. God knows what is going on. He works to put into place subsequent levels of resources that redeem us--compensate us. Our siblings may step in to help us because of their mercy and God-given abilities. They can be a resource for us especially when our parents are not. But since they are usually still learning and growing, as we are, and are receiving the same level of dysfunctional training, they often are not capable of playing this role for us. Yet mine did to a certain degree. My older sister was a beacon of light for me. She consistently read her scriptures, prayed, and went to church, which gave me a clue that these resources might be valuable to me as well.

We are all only required to do what we are willing and able to do. Love and Amae are about voluntary sacrifice, not forced sacrifice. We can't force people to love us. If we are willing, we can increase our ability to sacrifice over time in order to provide Amae for others through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. But if a parent is not aware of this chance to improve or is not willing to develop his ability to sacrifice for his children, our Savior knows about our situation and will send alternative resources. Others are called into action. Those others can be extended family members, friends, and members of our church. 

I had a few other Back-up Redeemers growing up. My grandparents, my best friend and her family, and my church, its programs, and many of its members. These resources retrained me in important ways to learn how to obtain my desires and resolve my conflicts using higher skills than I was raised with. I discovered for myself that the prophets, scriptures and personal prayers were a vital resource for me. But it wasn't until I developed the faith to really depend upon these resources, and specifically upon Jesus Christ who my church and the scriptures were pointing to, that my Amae needs have been completely redeemed.

I Learned to Communicate with God

I needed to communicate.  Really, there was no getting around it.  And I needed to communicate with my New Parent about my kids, about my life, about things I couldn't talk about with anyone else.   I decided to start writing letters to him.  I would figuratively send my letter out and then forget to check the mailbox.  I would even forget that I even sent the letter…until I ended up in major conflict and wrote another letter much like the first.

Finding Nemo

“Checking the mailbox” is like this game I once played with my primary class.  I showed the class a gift wrapped box and explained that we were going to send a child out of the room and then hide this desirable item.  When the child left, we hid the gift and I told the rest of the children that our job was to be her guide to help her find it.  I invited her back into the room and instructed her to find the gift.  When she got closer to the location we had hidden it, the rest of the class and I tapped our fingers on our chairs.  The closer she came, the louder and faster we tapped until she found it. 

After I learned that I needed to be searching for a response to my letter, I realized the responses were coming and they always had been.  It was just me who didn't know how to receive them.

As communication improved, my letters and their responses transferred to emails.  My ability to identify his response increased in speed.   

 

Finally communication became very rapid much like text messaging.  As I was writing the question in my journal, the answer would begin to come.  I didn't know the answer before I wrote the question.  Sometimes these answers would come in the form of songs I had heard, stories I had read, verses of scripture, or the words others had written in books or that I had heard spoken. 

More on the Concept of a New Parent

In past posts I’ve spoken of my need for a New Parent.  Because there have been many who have written down or spoken of the parenting structure they have found works the best, I have been able to be specifically retrained.  Dr. Glenn I. Latham, Stephen R. Covey, Grant Von Harrison, and Dean Hughes are three of those people who have influenced me like fathers.

There are specific fathers and there are more general fathers.  The specific fathers I choose to listen to are those whose words are attended by a specific feeling that I have come to know as my General Father’s signature (John 10:27).  In this way, I choose to be parented by my General Father and no one else.

I have noted in my blog post Responsibility and Choice that, “While we want the state of happiness, we don’t want the secrets to obtain it just handed to us.  We want to figure it out on own.  I think we're okay with clues but we are intelligent beings that love solving a good mystery.  We love progressing through a story.  We don’t want to hear the ending until the end.  And we can’t really feel the joy of the solution unless we’ve had to wait for it, solve it, sacrifice for it. ” 

I believe that my General Father knows this about me.  That’s why he hangs back a ways.  He wants me to answer the question myself having studied all the facts.  So he interacts with me via clues; the clues in themselves become my facts.  When people act as specific parents, their actions and words are like clues.  I can sense the figurative taps in my heart or lack of them.  The energy I feel there is not under my control except my controlling my thoughts.  If I think a thought or consider someone else’s, I can sense his opinion of it.  He gives his opinion because of the letter I sent him requesting his response.

So that means if I read a book and a story is told in it that applies to my own situation, I can feel it.  If I listen to a song and the words in it strike deep within my heart, I know my General Father is responding to my letter.  If I’m reading someone’s ideas on how to be a good parent and I feel a sense of peace or even excitement wash over me, I know I’m being answered.

That feeling cannot be mocked.  People have tried but it always comes out flat or sharp.  The real feeling is the most powerful, the most beautiful, and the most lasting feeling I have ever experienced.  I know it.  I love it.  I am allegiant to it.  He has won me hands down.

Revelation and Inspiration

Fasting

We know that drugs and alcohol numb the senses.  But I have found that when I turn to substances that are imbalanced to even lesser degrees for my peace and energy, my ability to sense my General Father’s texts decreases.  Occasional fasting  has enabled me to regain sensitivity for a period of time.  Since I desire a more continuous presence, I strive to fast on a more continuous basis from anything that disrupts the level of communication I desire to maintain.

Structure:  General vs. Specific

Before I started writing my prayers, I could only plead for general help.  “Please help me.”  I had no idea what I needed.  I only knew I didn’t like where I was at and somehow needed things to get better.

Star Wars: The Deathstar Battle

I’m sure I heard the directions from many different sources that I needed to get more specific—identify what I needed that would in actuality help me.  But the proton torpedo that finally penetrated my shields and caused a chain reaction of amazing events in my life was Grant Von Harrison’s “Drawing On The Powers Of Heaven” that my mom sent me.

Proton Torpedo #1:  Identify my Specific Desires

“When a person chooses not to use his free will in directing his thoughts, he leaves the dimensions of the mind that control his desires wide open to suggestion….So you have the choice of deliberately directing your thinking, or allowing other forces to dictate your desires and attitudes” (pg. 17).

Proton Torpedo #2:  Identify the Processes within my control to obtain my Desires and resolve my Conflicts

“The powers of heaven are governed by spiritual laws; their receipt is always predicated upon obedience to law.  When you understand and learn to comply with these laws, you will be able to consistently call upon the powers of heaven to assist you in your endeavors.  The scriptures tell us very clearly that we must be obedient to specific laws in order to receive blessings from God (D&C 130:20-21).”

Proton Torpedo #3:  Communicate my Specific Desires and Commitments to my General Father

“In order to draw on the powers of heaven, you must systematically decide what you want the Lord to help you accomplish.  It is impossible to exercise faith in the powers of heaven at your disposal without having a very specific end in mind.  The most serious failing on [our part] with respect to faith as a principle of power is [our] failure to make specific decisions regarding things [we] want the Lord to assist [us] with (Mormon 9:21).

Camhi Lane

A good friend of mine, Camhi Lane, wrote the following about how it does take effort to establish this communication relationship with our General Father:

“Work begs structure. There is a scheduled time and a place for work and there must also be a scheduled time and place for prayer. Try making an appointment with the Lord. Show up to that appointment. Don’t be late. Don’t be under dressed. The Lord will be there on time and ready and so should you. Are you going for a walk with the Lord? Good. Tell Him when and where to meet you. Would you like a standing appointment on Sundays at 8pm?  Great. Be there, and be ready to take notes because if you ask the Lord to show up, He will.”

Just as I need to have a time and place for Kid Report, I also need to have a time and place for my own Report.  I’ve needed to take the relationship seriously because I have wanted him to seriously help me.  Keeping these appointments is the core level of my commitment.

Imogen Heap “Can’t Take It In”

At the beginning of this journey—developing this communication relationship with my General Father--I really wanted my desires badly.   My life, my situation, had come to the point where I was motivated to do all I could to obtain them.  But at the same time I would not, could not deviate into using greater imbalanced methods to obtain.  Sink or swim.  The course I was on needed to be corrected.  I made the course corrections—kept my commitments continuously (and usually not perfectly).  Snail mail developed into text messaging.  Within 6 months, my life changed forever, the boredom I was experiencing leaving me, excitement moving into a predominant position, happiness, "how-can-it-be-so-beautiful" experiences one after another.   

Yes, there are refiner’s fires, hard times, things I would prefer not to have to go through.  This is definitely not Candy Land.  But overall has been a steady progression towards the best place I have EVER been in.